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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There will be no venting ABOUT officers, as we have several BS's here that are officers and it would be hurtful to them.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
kluelesskat
♀ Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could this also include those who are married or attached to law enforcement?
I am interested in hearing from those in this line of work. I think the job can have some serious impact on your life. Its not an easy career to deal with.

ETA: I absolutely support those in the field. People have no idea how much your life is affected by protecting the community

[This message edited by kluelesskat at 12:45 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We added Spouses to the title

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Tranquileyez
♀ New Member
Member # 25239
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, My WS is a Philadelphia PO. He just became a PO though, graduated academy 2 months ago. His A came 5 weeks after we were married and less than 2 weeks of him being on the job. I think a good part of the reason he actually had an A was bc he never was really "in the public eye." Besides being stressed about the new job, the hours and having a poor self image, he never really was a "go out" and meet someone guy. He met the OW at the end of his shift, told her he wasn't married and allowed himself to become emotionally and physically involved. Before being a PO, he worked at a newspaper and was attending college classes. After we met and had our first child, he worked for a very very small handtruck company where he had no interaction with women. He happened to meet a very attractive woman who was very interested in him. I'm almost thankful it happened so early in our marriage b/c if we had been married 6 years instead of 6 weeks, there would be no coming back for him. I'd love to hear other PO spouses or PO themselves comment on either side of the fence.... I blame his job for having this happen but we all know the "blame game" is pointless.


My own quote: "We will not break and we will not sink to meet the lower perspective, we will rise up. We will take the pain that they have wrought upon us and we will turn it into COURAGE, STRENGTH, KNOWLEDGE and possibly a DEEPER LOVE."

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Philadelphia
foggybottomboy
♂ Member
Member # 25037
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a PO and a BS. There is so much infidelity in this line of work, you wouldn't imagine. I prided myself as being a faithful husband but after over 11 years and two kids, my wife decided to have an A at her work. She obviously had to quit her job and now I'm having to support the family on my salary (and we all know what that amounts to lol). But we are in reconciliation and I am giving her a second chance although at times I question why. It's only been 4 months since I found out and then I found that before she quit her job she was still carrying on an EA with him. I want so bad to beat the f out of him but would lose the only income we have. Oh well, life goes on I guess...with or without the WW.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a firefighter. Don't leave these guys out either. D stats are right up there with Law Enforcement.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
sufferingalot
♀ Member
Member # 20890
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, thank you, thank you, thank you SI staff for this thread!!!!!

Brief history - I am the BS of a PO. We've been married almost 25 years, he's been a PO for 18 years, and I found out last year that he was having an A. Through trickle truth, found out he had 4 A's over about a 10 year period. Had a couple of false R's and have been in true R (I think) since the new year.

While I do think some of it has to do with the stress of their jobs, I think a bigger part of it is the KISA syndrome and the adrenaline rushes. They "save" the damsel in distress and the damsel is so grateful she just wants to sleep with her KISA. I also think it's a power trip for some of them.

Alarmingly, there are SO many women out there that will do ANYTHING to be with a cop - badge bunnies. Personally, I don't see what the big attraction is - they work long hours, weekends, shift work, and low pay - oooh baby! But there they are, just hanging out at known cop hangouts ready for any cop who will have them


Me: BS (45, Him: WS (49)
Married: 24 years
Kids: Ages 24, 23, 18
D Day 1: 8/17/08 D Day #2 12/6/08
D Day #3 12/25/08
OW - 4 (One LTA)
Status: Trying to R

Posts: 2649 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: State of Misery
Tranquileyez
♀ New Member
Member # 25239
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Badge Bunnies?? I'm sorry but that almost sounds adorable... the kind of adorable I'd like to scratch the eyes off of.

I'm really sorry to hear that your PO WS chronically has A, sufferingalot. That has to be very disturbing, disgusting and painful (to list a few descriptors).

And this is where I start to REALLY think about what is going to happen to me and my WS. I would say that for being a month outside of DDay, I'm doing awesome (which is still REALLY crappy compared to the rest of the world). But my WS was working the beat less than 2 weeks before he had found someone with which to have an affair. And she might have been very attracted to the Badge but he told her he wasn't married at first so I can't even blame her for being some sort of fowl temptress. And were happy, the vast majority of the time anyway.

Is this just the start of a long and illustrious career of serial A?? He's so sincere about his NEVER going to do it again, but I have no faith and no trust. I believe that he loves me and that he always has, but not having enough love for each other is rarely the issue in matters where the relationship is suffering.


My own quote: "We will not break and we will not sink to meet the lower perspective, we will rise up. We will take the pain that they have wrought upon us and we will turn it into COURAGE, STRENGTH, KNOWLEDGE and possibly a DEEPER LOVE."

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Philadelphia
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS ended up having and EA that I believe turned into PA from April to July of this year with someone he works with. He has been a PO for 8 years and has worked very hard for what he has accomplished and believe he is one of the better PO out there.

My biggest worry and problem with it is that whether it is OW or someone else down the road I feel like they can always relate to my H on a much deeper level when it comes to his job than I will ever be able to. That is very hard to come to terms with.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
AlongForTheRide
♀ Member
Member # 24912
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you dealing with crazy LEO work shifts, do you feel that dealing with the A/reconciliation is taking/has taken longer simply because of the LEO's availability and/or energy level on days off?

Sometimes I feel that some of our discussions about the A have to get postponed until WH and I are home at the same time AND he is not recovering from a 12-hour shift. It's also harder to get that quality time together I feel we really need, and definitely more difficult to schedule MC on a regular basis. When he IS home, the kids are all over him because they miss their dad so much. That sort of leaves me at the bottom of the priority list.

Any thoughts?

[This message edited by AlongForTheRide at 10:58 AM, August 31st (Monday)]


Me: BW
DDay: 2/1/09
S - 4 months

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2009
whoishe?
♀ Member
Member # 24312
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when I was in my early twenties I dated a policeman who I met in a bar. I found out several months into our relationship that he was married. Police have a lot of crafty ways to cheat. You may wonder how we could date so long and I not see any signs. You would be surprised how clever they can be. I found out through a friend of his who didn't agree with his cheating that the apartment I thought was his was shared by five cheating policeman who would take turns working security for the apartment complex in exchange for the rent. Whatever officer had the apartment for the day would switch out a few simple pics on the walls and personalize it to make it look like his home.About the time I found out he was married I also found out he had given me chlamydia I told him if he didn't tell his wife I would, her health was at stake. I ended the relationship and he told me that if I said anything to his wife my father would find me in a shallow grave on the side of the road.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Oregon
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alongfortheride-

I completely feel that way. I feel like his job is taking priority over our M and our healing and that is very hard to handle and makes it that much harder to get past this!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
daneck
♂ New Member
Member # 25325
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a PO and have only been one for a little while. but i see and have seen that men and woman in law enforcement accept and almost encourage EA within the force and outside. its almost like its ok because all the other cops are doing it. and it isnt just the cops doing it, a good friend of my brothers recently killed himslef after finding out his wife was having an affair. The long hours or bizarre shifts make it easy for either the PO or the spouse to have the EA. We were warned in the academy that woman will almost literally throw panties at you. I dont know what it is about the uniform but some woman fall for it. I also know several men in the force that have beautiful wonderul wives that i KNOW they love and adore, but they still do stuff on the side, laugh and joke about it with other cops, i never thought id fall for that stuff but i did i guess, i love my wife more than any other woman on the planet, she is beautiful and incredible but i fell for the same things that other PO did. I think though once they get caught they are brought back to reality. Ones that do get caught get made fun of for getting caught and laughed at behind there back, the other guys dont seem to care very much about the emotional pain he must be going through.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: philadelphia
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW... just wanted to say thank-you BIG time for this forum!!

My FWS is also a PO and has been for 30 years. Yes, there is alot of infidelity among the ranks, but infidelity is high in alot of professions. The PO work shift work and some even have to work part-time jobs as well. They are overworked and under paid, but most love their jobs and they are there everyday protecting all of us.

Having said that, it is a profession that creates strong bonds between the PO's and alot of stress on marriages.

My FWS also had an A. They met on the job. It started as a friendship, and proceeded from there. It lasted a little over 2 years. Sure could have used a space here specifically for law enforcement, but we still survived, and are in a strong R. Just another victim of the streets and lucky to have survived!

I look forard to reading here and being of help if possible!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
guarded
♀ Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a prison guard and again, infidelity there is very high, I'd say higher than cops on the beat. It is as if the jailhouse mentality gets into their heads. The OW also works in the same jail and has had several jailhouse affairs although I am certain this is my WH's first.
I think that officers are taught to compartmentalize their lives in their heads to keep job-related stuff on the job, but this allows them to build another world where their actions don't feel like they affect the outside world.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 441 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
jrjr
♂ Member
Member # 7175
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xWW is a LEO & so is the OM.
They work at the same sheriffs office.

My story is in my profile.
We were married for almost 4.5 years & dated 2 years prior to that.

It's been 5 years since the divorce. I can't believe it has been that long.

I've made the mistake of still finding info about her....see her on facebook, myspace etc. I don't know why I do it. It just stirs up pain for me.

From her avatar photos, she seems happy & content with her life. She finally got what she wanted...to be 'tough person' & to wield a gun to show her power.

At the beginning, I can definitely see that she was attracted to the uniform. She always was. Her dad was in LE for many years. So I guess that's where it may have started...a little girls admiration for her dad.


I wish her all the worst in life.

At our last day together, she saw me break down like I never have before. She really didn't have any empathy at all for me.

Then I saw her one last time. She stopped by for about 20 minutes. We talked...just small talk. We didn't talk at all about what was going on, the separation... the obvious divorce. Then I saw her drive away in her car.
That was the last time I saw her. It was like a scene from a movie.
What a sad day that was.


Me BS-33 now 37; Her xWW-27 now 31
Dated 7/97-6/99 M 6/3/99
MC 3/03 D-day 1/17/04 Sep 2/3/04
I Filed D 4/13/04 D final 5/26/04
2 month after, she co-signed prop mortgage w/ OM
She works for Walton Co Sheriff FL; He works there too.

Posts: 296 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Tallahassee, Florida
KLinNoCA
♀ Member
Member # 22195
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, BS of a LEO here, too. His affairs started shortly after the birth of our last child (12 years ago). He was seen kissing a dispatcher in the back parking lot of the station, then was "working OT" when he was really at a party with her. Next A happened when he worked out of town and had to live at another cops house--would come home on his RDO's and brought me a "present" in his suitcase (he didn't realize she had stuffed it in there)--it was another woman's panties.
Was on single dating websites while at work trolling for skanks online--

I've had so many "red flags" thrown in my face, but was completely manipulated and convinced by him that I was "crazy" for thinking he'd ever cheat on me....

you know what makes me SICK now? He's in a high position in the dept. and COUNSELS new recruits on cheating and infidelity

[This message edited by KLinNoCA at 9:17 PM, August 31st (Monday)]


BS (me):45
STBXH:53
M 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
2nd D-Day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, as well as a former BFF OW--I was in an "open marriage", I just never got the memo.
Divorcing his ass

Posts: 1191 | Registered: Dec 2008
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a prison guard and again, infidelity there is very high, I'd say higher than cops on the beat. It is as if the jailhouse mentality gets into their heads. The OW also works in the same jail and has had several jailhouse affairs although I am certain this is my WH's first.
I think that officers are taught to compartmentalize their lives in their heads to keep job-related stuff on the job, but this allows them to build another world where their actions don't feel like they affect the outside world.

My H is a correction officer also. We also live in NY. My brother who was an officer in the same jail at the time said, don't be suprised NET when all the guys shake their head for a minute then go about their business. He said it is disgustingly prevelant.

The OW also works in the same jail and has had several jailhouse affairs although I am certain this is my WH's first.

Us too....


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
guarded
♀ Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also worked in another jail for a few months as a civilian, so I watched it over and over. Also, had other close family working in various jails, so am very familiar with the atmosphere.

I knew that the job changes people, but I never thought that it would happen to my husband because he had been an officer for ten years already and I had never seen any of the "cockiness" that seems to become part of the CO's persona after about 2 years on the job. However, when the relationship with OW began, I could see that all of the sudden, my formerly mild-mannered husband now had a temper and no patience. Also, he started to lie about things that had nothing to do with the affair. He also started becoming involved at work, whereas before, he never went to anything: ie, retirement parties, xmas parties, etc.

Coworkers knew about the affair and offered ways not to get caught!


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 441 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the A, another officer warned H to make his choices carefully. FOW was known for looking for the next conquest and fellow worker had told FOW to stay away from M Men.....She asked h if he knew FOW married an affair partner that left his wife for her...Of course he didn't have that little tidbit from FOW. She had just said that it was his second M.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
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