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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just Crushed,

reading your post was like reading something i wrote. I did everything you posted, trying to fix things. My D day was 1/17/10 and the Rage hit me on Sunday 4/25/10. I was frightened, I did not thing I was capable of such rage. I was able to keep it together but now I cannot find any compassion for her, it makes me physically ill to look at her.
I am relieved I told my 10 yoa son we are getting a D. It was a tough few days but he has adapted very well.
What can I expect from here, how long will this rage last??? any suggestions???


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are scaring me about the rage. I know my emotions are all over the place right now, but I thought the rage was over. Last thing I need is for the rage to hit me next month when I have a lost weekend with college buddies, or in June when my DD and I go to the beach with my family. Crap.

Shocked, I'm glad to hear that your D plans are out in the open. I'm sure it was difficult for your son, but maybe not as unexpected as we might think. They pick up on everything, I'm learning.

Learning your story, through the advice you've given me, I've been frustrated on your behalf by the fact that your WW is so unremorseful, and seemed to use your child's feelings against you. I'm glad you got past that, and I'd love to know how your son is doing now.

I'm interested because DD (only 4.5) is clearly aware and freaking out. Big episode tonight and I was furious with WW. Not because of anything specific, but just because she put us in this situation. I don't want to use DD's feelings against WW because I don't want her back for those reasons. I do want my DD to feel safe and comfortable with the situation though. I want it to be blameless, as far as she knows, even though WW and I both know where the blame belongs.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the rage hit a level I had no idea I could feel during this D process. Here goes my tired old rant again...

I live in a state that punishes breadwinners. I'm told it's the most child-support and alimony-friendly state in the nation. And fault is not considered. She cheated with over a dozen men.

I will be her work slave, and murdered financially. I will have shared custody, thank goodness, but my state makes it a financial disincentive for me to do so (and rewards her for sharing custody).

I'm on the hook for lifetime alimony after CS ends, enough to equalize our incomes. I don't get it, I just don't get it. But until I accept it, I will be consumed by rage.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper,

My son is doing very well, much better today and is coping well. I guess i was underestimating his ability to adapt. He is actually excited to see my new apartment. He said GOD BLESS HIS LITTLE HEART
"Mom, how long before you are living alone" I said son you are staying with mom and will visit me at the apartment. He said, No DAD, I will be living with you and visiting with mom. I just started to cry that he would rather be with me.
I only hope he is not keeping it all in, but he seems to be coping well. I have alerted his teacher and a friend of mine who works at the school and they are monitoring him.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So haw many of you guys out there feel totally emasculated by your wife's A?

I hate this part of the thing. I feel like I am being a pussy by giving her another chance. I feel like a wimp for not telling her to go "F" herself.

I have kicked her out, I have ended it and she came back, practically on her knees both times.

Deep down I know it is tougher and *More manly* to try an R. My self respect tells me this. But my sense of pride tells me that I am being a wuss. It's not true but I find myself judging myself through macho glasses.

I want to do right by me, do right for my kids.

I love my wife, though I am furious at her for being so selfish and reckless.

Now I have to eat shit and pick up the pieces and bite the fucking bullet and fight the good fight for my family.

Another odd reflection. Even if we succeed at R part of me wants to write her out of my will to prevent her from starting over with her POSOM and also to send her a letter from the grave.

This is so vindictive that it scares me. I don't know if I could or would go through with such a plan but I seriously consider it.

This can't be a good sign, can it?


Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Alex, I struggle with this, still, after 5 years. Every now and then I get the feeling I've been short changed. It's like any other hurdle, just get past it, whatever it takes.

Just remember, and I don't mean to offend anyone here; anyone can walk away, it takes a man to stand and face it.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alex1, I feel totally emasculated by the WWs A. And it feels even shittier that she keeps trying to stay friends, even though we are over and pursuing D. "You're still my best friend." Frankly, that makes it even more emasculating. Like she's got the OM to take care of the manly stuff, and wants to keep me on the side like one of her girlfriends. I've made it clear we can never be friends after what she's done, and that her desire to remain friends is actually offensive to me. She doesn't get it. She's a different person than she was 2 months ago. It sucks but I've got to get on with my life.

I was not even given the opportunity to try R, so I can't speak to how difficult it is. I will say that, the closer I get to D, the better I feel about the fact that I will be free of her. The A will always be tremendously painful, and it will be a long time before I get my self-esteem (and manhood) back, but once the D is finished, I have no doubt I will find myself in a good place again. And I don't believe my WW will. Maybe good living will be the way I recover from the total emasculation and humiliation of the A, and of WW choosing to be with the OM.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked, glad to hear your son is doing well. They ay that kids are resilient, but it feels so terrible and irresponsible to cause them this kind of pain. He clearly understands your situation, and will be better off with you and your WW living separately, without the tension in the house.

I'm very worried about my daughter. She has started acting out, and has told a number of people (teachers, friends, in-laws) that my WW is moving out and that it makes her sad. Of course it's normal for her to be sad, and she'll be fine in the end. It just kills me to be part of something that causes her so much pain.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper, Sorry to hear about your situation and thanks for the feedback.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Have you done the 180 on her? I have heard that going NC (as much as poss) with The STBX is a good idea. It aids in regaining the powers you feel you have lost.
Anyway thank you guys for answering.
Alex

Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Alex1,
I've done 180, with fairly good results. I lapse every once in a while. WW is at my house every day to help get our daughter ready for school and spend time with her at night, so NC hasn't been possible yet. I do try to engage as little as possible with her when she is there.

She is supposed to move into her apartment on Saturday (and out of trashy hotel), so our daughter will be spending time at both residences, and I will be able to see far less of WW.

I do feel I have made things too easy on WW, but I want her to be as agreeable as possible as we embark on D proceedings. She is talking a lot of shit about what she is willing to give up, and I plan to hold her to what she is offering. We'll see what happens in the end though.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another odd reflection. Even if we succeed at R part of me wants to write her out of my will to prevent her from starting over with her POSOM and also to send her a letter from the grave.

not odd at all, I quit paying my life insurance.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
arctic
♂ Member
Member # 27617
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate this part of the thing. I feel like I am being a pussy by giving her another chance. I feel like a wimp for not telling her to go "F" herself.

I have kicked her out, I have ended it and she came back, practically on her knees both times.

Alex1: At least you had the guts to kick her out, and maybe shake her up a bit. I feel like I have been paralyzed for almost a year now - wish I at least had the guts to show I meant business.


Posts: 422 | Registered: Feb 2010
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember, and I don't mean to offend anyone here; anyone can walk away, it takes a man to stand and face it.

No offense taken. But it depends greatly upon your personality. That statement could be reversed, and seem true to a great number of people:

Anyone can stay in the marriage, it takes a man to walk away.

Neither choice is more manly than the other. The choice depends on so many factors. For some with the KISA or "doormat" tendencies, walking away is the hardest thing in the world.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:08 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least you had the guts to kick her out, and maybe shake her up a bit. I feel like I have been paralyzed for almost a year now - wish I at least had the guts to show I meant business.

This seems to be true for many cases. If you make a stand. She will respect you. IF there is a chance at R showing her you are not afraid to move on will wake her up. If she is already gone than nothing you do matters. Work on you.
When I told her I was through and wanted her out she came back to me with a vengeance. She realized she couldn't use me as a door mat. In fact the two times I have told it was through she reacted almost as if I had given her an aphrodisiac.
Making a stand and drawing a line in the sand is about the only thing I have done right so far. Now that she is here I keep self destructing. I know I can live without her. I want her though and I do love her. Looking at her kills me because she is so damn gorgeous. Hate to admit to being so shallow. But the truth is she is without question the great love of my life.


Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
Neverinamillion
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Member # 28155
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know for me that even though I know she chooses me, I still want to get a piece of the POS OM. I hope that he fears me walking into his office everyday.


Me-35
WW-35
D-Day-Jan 15 2010
Kids: 16,12,10,7

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Southeast
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point taken, OIAL. I guess my sitch made it weird for that.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Finallyawake
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Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an interesting thread on this forum. The contrast between staying and fighting for your M or just bailing and going on to D. I don't think there is a one size fits all but I'll share something that has always stuck with me from MC.

First some background. My XW had an affair and I stayed and fought. We went to IC and the counselor said that it is possible that people don't realize what is happening until they are in the A. That things just ran out of control and before they knew it they were in an A. The key is what they do afterwards. Are they contrite? Do they work at it? Do they demonstrate a desire to fix your M and fight for it. If so great.

But then my X had another A. And I was crushed. She was immediately contrite and ended it. But my IC was adamant in saying that any excuse of "I don't know how it happened" is complete BS. They knew and they still made the choice. I stuck around and fought and was rewarded two years later with a third affair.

That was it for me. The interesting part after the first affair was that I told her if it happened again I would file for D immediately. After the second A I didn't file. I stayed

So for the next couple of years I felt emasculated just like many of you. I rolled. I basically told her by my actions that she could do whatever she wanted and I would still take her back.

After the third A I bailed. I have to say that by then I think she had lost respect for me because I stayed no matter what. And don't think that I wasn't angry and did not say anything. We had many brutal discussions about moving forward.

But it had become one of those slippery slopes where you tell yourself that one more tiny concession will make it happy again. Because it's only one tiny concession. The problem is that you make dozens of them over 5 or 10 years and now you find yourself a long way from where you started. You aren't you anymore.

That was when I bailed. After the third I chose me over her. Nobody is worth that. And you know what? I am pretty close to being the man I was before I met her. Much much happier.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
cuckhold
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Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper, I know the feeling of being 'gelded." i saved my wife's life by having a vasectomy at 25 years old, (Long medical story)when doctor told her NO MORE birth control pills. She never quit pill as she was having affair with the towm "gigilo." Yep, hung like a horse and fucking half the wives in town. (Wives are safe, won't get the clapp) Used to be my friend, I thought, but I was just the conduit to my wife's pussy! Enough about me. You're doing exactly the right thing. She is still DEEP in the "fog." So deep she is willing to give up her child for this fuckstick! In a few months the fog will begin to lift when it becomes life as usual with him. She'll be cleaning up behind the slob that he is (she didn't realize that!) picking up his skidmarked stained underwear and smelly socks. Doing his laundry, cooking smelling his morning breath and arguing over the late rent payment. She'll be wondering if he REALLY had to work late or...is he really at the bar with his buddies or...then she'll remember her life before fuckstick. At this point she will remember how pleasant it was to have a REAL life with her husband and daughter. A husband she could trust. A husband who loved her and just didn't use her for sexual gratification. A real family! Enjoying family things together. The thoughts will become obsessive and whatever unpleasantries there were in her marriage before fuckstick came on the scene, she will forget. She'll make a small overture to see how receptive you are to her. Her desire now to cheat on fuckstick, with you, hoping to rekindle the old fire. Of course you have moved on. Found a woman of integrity that loves you and your daughter, so you reject her advances. Now YOU have become the fantasy and she will know she had it all... and flushed it! Oh, if only she could do it all over. How different she would have been. You'd still be a family. The depression that follows that thought will become deeper and deeper until it becomes her own private hell on earth. Was fuckstick a great lay? Was he THAT great?

Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cuckhold, I love the picture you just painted of WW's dismal future with the OM. Good story, and hopefully an accurate description of the next few months.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cuchold,

I love the annalogy makes me feel much better. Thanks for the words of wisdom.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
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