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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it weird to still feel protective of your WW who has left you? As much as I hate her and want this silly fantasy relationship to fail miserably, I also don't want her to spend the rest of her life as a miserable, lonely person. I don't want to be married to her, or even be close to her, but I know she is a damaged person and it does make me feel sorry for her.

I know I am much stronger than she is, and this isn't a new realization. I'm going to be fine. I'm already feeling like things will eventually better for me than they were when I was married.

I think that the OM was very unhappy in his marriage (as my WW apparently was), and is using thre situation to escape an unhappy marriage. I think he will move on, I know the OMBW will eventually move on. The person I see with the longest term damage from all this is my WW. She won't have me anymore, and he will leave her. I know this should make me happy, but it doesn't. Aside from the obvious harm it will do to my daughter to have an angry lonely mom, I feel pity for her and am a bit worried.

What's wrong with me? Am I a sucker? I'm not talking about R in any way, at all. I'm just talking about feeling protective of this person who has betrayed me in the worst way possible. Is this normal? It can't be.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper,

I feel that way. I could get really tough in the D process, but so far have withheld out of concern for her.

However, I'm slowly starting to harden, especially as it becomes clear that she will try to milk me for everything she possibly can.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's wrong with me? Am I a sucker? I'm not talking about R in any way, at all. I'm just talking about feeling protective of this person who has betrayed me in the worst way possible. Is this normal? It can't be.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I have similar feelings from time to time. Our WWs hurt us completely, but it doesn't mean our hearts stop caring for them completely. You spent a large part of your life w/ this woman...and she is the mother of your children.

TBH...you seem to be getting close to accepting the sitch and "moving on". You are still close to dday and you most likely will waffle between the stages of grief for a bit, however, your head seems to be in the right place.


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude, I am waffling all over the place. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I feel like I should be angrier all the time. I mean, I go through seriously angry phases, but then I start to freak out a little when I feel tenderness or protectiveness for WW. She fucked me over so badly, but I know she isn't evil. And I'm realizing this is going to end better for me than it is for her.

I guess you're right. This is probably usually the case. The cheaters are the weaker ones, and more prone to disaster. The betrayed are usually the stronger ones, so we are able to move on productively.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way with my WW. I think the problem is we are all good guys (reason why we are here) and have compassion and class. Our WW do not feel anything for us and they are hollow shells of what they were when we met them. I was starting to feel bad over the weekend about how much work need to be done at the house and I used my 2 days off to do a crap load of work and what did I get in return, she stopped helping me doing the work and met OM at a motel. I wish I could just be a cold hearted bastard but I am not wired this way.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you care about someone deeply it's just not human nature to suddenly stop caring.

I am now six month in to the second A situation of my life and struggling desperately. Now matter how much you know these things are impossible to navigate without immense damage and pain. I wish I walked away right at D but I didn't and now I am deeply mired in this. We all give advice but it's important to remember there are no perfect answers to what is by it's nature a fucked up question.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude, I am waffling all over the place. I'm glad I'm not the only one

Jasper between us in here we got more waffle than a damn pancake house...

I dont think its unusual at all. Yes your WW hurt you but lets be honest.... youd have to be a pretty cold SoB to be able to turn your feelings off completly overnight.

In fact i think it shows a very healthy attitude that despite everything you are still able to show enough compasion to be concerned about her. After all as you say she will allways be the mother of your kids... and so whats good/bad for her is good/bad for them too ...

Just be carefull to make sure that she doesnt try and turn this natural compassion/concern to her advantage.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a lot to say and am way farther out than most.

I am two + years out and we are not R but am still married.

I am paralyzed by the kid situation.

But despite this I am learning a lot and some hard facts.

The affair had NOTHING to do with me at all. It was all her. This was VERY hard to accept because I made human mistakes. Their is NOTHINg I could have did to stop the affair. We bought a house had a child (thank god for DNA testing). What more could I do? be kind to you.

Part two and this is really IMHO why R never happened. My wife has borderline type issues and basically is INCAPABLE of feeling true empathy for anybody but herself. Not my issue at all but her fucked up childhood coping mechanism which she needed to survive still exists today. She is the same person sans active chetaing (that I know of). Without IC dealing with her issues nothing will EVER get better.

For those of you oin early stages really read up on the 180 and if I could go back I would have 180'd in a heartbeat and just cut WW out of my life completely.

One last thing I wanted to ask becaus eit really is the part I struggle most with is you guys who instigated D with children. I just cannot bring myself to do it. I have my less than wife wife who makes me ill to be around and that is balanced by those meoments I have with the kids that I know I would not have otherwise.

I wish you all strength my unfortunate brothers.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostcause.

Dday#1 was 13 years ago. Dday#2 was 3+ years ago.

Me WW like yours is not capable of feeling empathy. She has no remorse other than feeling bad for her self. It was a LTA and I never got the hole story. She continues to this day to blame me for her cheating. And she also say to me that her A was a wonderful thing to her because it was fun to get all the attention. She say that any WS that say other wise is just lying to make they BS shut up.

So we never R.

I stayed for me boys. I did not want them being raised even in part by some OM. I did not want them calling him Dad. I did not want OM laying he hands on me boys.

I stayed.

How did I do it?

Other than the A. Me and WW have the same world view and sense of humor. We like to do the same things. And generally enjoy each other company. So I focus on that. I enjoy what I can in me life and 180 the rest.

Now me boys are on with they lifes. They are all M with houses and careers of they own. They no longer need me. So now I am looking seriously at D.

All that remains is to get finances in order so I can survive on 1/2 of what I work so many years for. And then I am gone.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I should be angrier all the time.
jasper...Our sitch's are different, but I did not fully hit the Rage Stage for about 5-6 months out from dday. It will come...and be prepared. It is cleansing in a sense because it really helps you let go of WW emotionally. However, it can bring out an ugly dark side to your personality....or, at least a dark side to your internal thoughts.

During the first few months post dday, I was a foolish fixer. That's what I do...I fix things. So, I figured I could just fix this by 1) paying more attention to WW, 2) reading books on how to recorver from an A, 3) arranging MC, 4) setting up "date nights"...LOL, hell I even sent love notes. WTF was I thinking...I mean it was truly comical. Anyway, my point is, during the initial weeks post dday, it seems that emotions are all over the place...the waffle factory. I was cycling through the stages of grief hourly/daily...Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance. Being confused is pretty much par for the course following dday.

epiphany? I am writing this post and wondering where I am in the grief process??? I thought I was way past this, but I think I'm stuck in the bargaining stage. I just keep thinking, "If WW would only show some empathy, remorse and true caring...I might be able to love her again". Stuck in the limbo of the "bargaining stage"...hmmmm?

I am two + years out and we are not R but am still married.

I am paralyzed by the kid situation.

But despite this I am learning a lot and some hard facts.

The affair had NOTHING to do with me at all. It was all her. This was VERY hard to accept because I made human mistakes. Their is NOTHINg I could have did to stop the affair.

LC...I can relate to a lot of what you're saying...sucks.

Part two and this is really IMHO why R never happened. My wife has borderline type issues and basically is INCAPABLE of feeling true empathy for anybody but herself.

Seems like my sitch.

jc


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
fossilburner
♂ Member
Member # 28122
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

after reading jasper's story and following your post it is good to see you are feeling better.

I know it is not easy but it is encouraging...


"The love for the AP cannot be real, when all you see are the best of them, in secret moments. You don't see the real person. The love is "romantic love" - not the kind of love that lasts." - Mrs Panda

Posts: 57 | Registered: Apr 2010
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to feel the same way. I started losing the protective feelings about a year after the divorce. I think once you start detaching then you will no longer feel so protective


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost the protective feelings long ago, & we are still M'd. I simply don't care anymore if she were to float off of the planet.

I did the same shit, JC-thought I could fix this-how stupid of me.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Cause,

You asked about divorcing when there are children. In my case, I knew I'd be *so* unhappy staying married to my so-called wife that it would affect my parenting badly. In my case, divorcing is better for the children. My wife will clean house on me financially, but she has agreed to 50/50 custody. I'm sure my time with my kids will be so much healthier after divorce.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Finallyawake
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Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Cause,

I am there with onceinalifetime. I am a year out from my D being final. I tried to be that good guy and be supportive and try try try until I nearly broke apart from trying so hard. It didn't work. There are some people (borderline types) where everything is all about them, not you. Your feelings are belittled and all that matters is how something makes THEM feel.

I knew that I would not be a good parent staying married so I filed for D. She agreed to 50/50 and life is so much better now. I am absolutely a better dad to my kids because I don't waste any more energy on a lost cause. All my energy is spent on me and the kids.

And as for concern over your WW and how she will cope. Yes, it does wear off. I don't wish any harm to my XW but don't really care anymore when she tells me her tales of woe about how hard her life is now. This is actually a good topic for IC. It's OK to have empathy for people and hope that they do OK. But it is not OK where that forms the central dynamic of your relationship. That she relies on you to take care of everything and rescue her from herself. You are the knight in shining armor. That isn't real and some people are very adept at pushing those buttons to get what they want.

In either case if you move forward with D I would bet you find yourself caring less and less over time. I did


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's "borderline?"

Also, this is very reassuring. The only thing that makes me think that life will be better for my DD once WW and I are divorced is that I believe we will both be healthier, and won't be tied together by a relationship that isn't working. We will be joined by our DD, but we will be able to develop our own separate relationships with her.

This hurts because, since there are only 3 of us, she has always gotten a ton of attention from both of us, and we have always spent a ton of time together, as a family.

I'm worried about how that will affect her. Deep down I know that if WW and I do what is best for us, it will make us better people and better parents (well, at least it will make me a better person and parent), but I worry constantly about how my DD will be affected.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

You can worry equally about what affect it will have on your daughter if you stay together. But of course you know this already.

By the way, what's DD stand for?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD is something about daughter. Maybe "Dear Daughter?" "Darling Daughter?"

I learned it here but I can't find the post where someone educated me.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Borderline" is short for borderline personality disorder, which is a serious mental illness, and very difficult to treat. Here's a link:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. Familiar. WW exhibits a few of the less-serious of those symptoms. Yikes.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
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