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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you guys sure we didn't marry the same person?

they really are all the same.

my buddy's W is faithful, but has the same blameshifting attitude as my WW.

ya'll know the old joke right?

If a man is speaking in the forest & there are no women around, is he still wrong?


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ping: tputer

My PM inbox is next to empty. Don't know if you're reading or not, but if you are, feel free to PM me.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty/Resigned,

I know exactly where you are coming from. I had evrything planned out so perfectly for my life right down to the new house we were building just down the road from the new school my kids were going to attend. Then WHAM! I get hit by a freight train and have been trying to pick up the pieces ever since.

One thing I just realized (I'm kind of slow) is that the pieces I am picking up won't fit into the same puzzle. I have been trying to pretend that the life I had is still possible to have again. I am still struggling with accepting that this is now my NEW life and the old one is dead.

Kind of like the character Bruce Willis played in the movie "The Sixth Sense" who didn't know he was dead. Maybe a funeral is in order here.

[This message edited by Ready_to_run at 10:29 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ready.

I had evrything planned out so perfectly for my life right down to the new house we were building just down the road from the new school my kids were going to attend. Then WHAM! I get hit by a freight train and have been trying to pick up the pieces ever since.

One thing I just realized (I'm kind of slow) is that the pieces I am picking up won't fit into the same puzzle. I have been trying to pretend that the life I had is still possible to have again. I am still struggling with accepting that this is now my NEW life and the old one is dead.

Kind of like the character Bruce Willis played in the movie "The Sixth Sense" who didn't know he was dead. Maybe a funeral is in order here.

Exactly right. WW A changes us on the most fundamental level. SInce Dday Ive had some strong personality changes and have become a very different person. That old life is GONE because the person living it died.

I hear BS and WS claim they want the old M back. The standard reply is that the old M was one where infidelity could happen. So saying that the BS should try and build a new M with the WS. Now that I write this it bothers me. Because it sort of hints at that the M was the cause of the WW A. And when I hear this I hear that the BH is the one to blame. Because the M was bad so the WW acted out. And if the M was so bad that the WW had to find happyness in that way and the BH didnt. Then the BH must be the cause for the bad M.

And this whole blame the BH for the A is just really old for me. I am so sick and tired of hearing that I am to blame for me WW A. I am tired of being called at fault for the single most hurtful thing that ever happened to me. I am just really tired of it.

Sorry. Kinda got off topic there.

The truth is the old M is not possible because one of the people in it has died. We (our old selfs) were killed by our WW. A murder occurred but there will be no penalty for it. And probably a funeral is in order as you say.

Every one wants the WS to change they self so the M will be safe again and another A will not happen. They change I guess. But we change more I think. And not allways in good ways. We are more cynical. Quicker to anger. And (for me only) more remote from me WW.

The old life and M will never return. It will never be as it was. It will never be as good as it could have been. That is the plain truth. Pure and simple.

Our WW may well cheat on us again. They fix they self become better people. Blah blah blah. They promise not to cheat again. Blah blah blah. But they promised before didnt they? And there is nothing that will keep them from breaking that promise again. This is more true when the M is called at fault for the A. The M is at fault so the BH is at fault. And even if the M is improved the bar just gets raised for WW satisfaction in the M. The harder we work the more they want. And soon they will be unhappy again. And then they will have again a excuse to cheat.

And if you D and find another W? There is nothing that will prevent this same thing from happening again.

We our selfs will be different. Left scarred and battered and half blind. We are left to make our way thru what remains of our life. A emotional cripple jaded as to M and relationships. Bitter and angry. And isolated.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what Razor wrote, x2


what really kills me is I actually bought that 'you & me against the world forever' shit.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another real life example for why the lollipop should be sniffed before being eaten:

Just discovered my distraught STBXW, who so desperately wanted to stay married, who professed undying remorse to the depths of her soul, is back on the whore bus. Welcome to the club, OM # oh hell who's counting any more.

Let her get comfort where she needs it. I am completely checked out now. In a way, finding this out is a blessing for me. I can finally let go of all the guilt and pity. Good riddance, chumps (talking to those emotions, not you guys).


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,

I just found this thread and though I would post. I have only started reading some of the post, but my computer is really slow so I apologize in advance if I ask questions which have already been covered. I do not get much time to myself these days and so I make the best of it.
Here is where I am in the shortest of versions I can give, my journal is open to anyone wanting the full nightmare.
For several months in late (09) I felt my wife of 14 years was having an affair. We have a 10 yoa son. I caught her meeting OM (I will fall F(*& nuts - FN) for the sake of this post on December 23 2009. She denied having an affair even when confronted with evidence. I then informed her brother and father and they both help me confront and get confession on 17 Jan 2010.
She agreed to call and tell FN no contact and agreed to no contact. She called him on the phone and told him we cannot talk to each other right now as I am waiting to see what happens with our marriage (I figured this was the first flag something was wrong). This notice of NC was not what we agreed to, I told her no contact none at all. FN delivers to her work and she told me someone else (call her V) would handle his paperwork as she would tell V about the affair.
I then began to ask WW about the affair, she would not answer questions, and would become very defensive. I asked her to attend MC with me and she refused. I then asked her to go to IC she refused.
I began to suspect they went underground and soon found out they still talk daily but I cannot give up my source as my WW is in charge and could make things very difficult or fire this person who feels for my situation. I promised I would not use what I was told. My WW has been acting like nothing ever happened and has been trying to do anything to make me happy except do what I need to save our marriage. This act has been going on for months now. I told her I know she was having an affair because of lack of sex, no hand holding and no kissing. I should of added no BJ's because she has been having sex once a week not once every 2 month and has been kissing me at every opportunity. What I did not tell her about the kissing was the way she kissed, now while she is kissing me often she might as well be kissing her brother.
I finally decided to move onto D. I found an apartment, opened my own bank account. I plan on telling her I want a D next week. I just need to get some other things in order first. I do not plan on moving out till June at which time I will tell our son. I do not want to upset his schooling as he is already having some difficulty in math classes.
I am just asking for suggestions and insight as to what she may be up to.
Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post. I feel as though I lost my best friend and confidant and a big part of my life has been hollowed out. P.s. The affair lasted over a year and I am finding evidence this maybe number 3.
Thanks all.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome shocked!

I don't blame, she's still in contact. Maybe actual D papers will knock her off her fence.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shocked.

Some times life serves you a shit sandwich. And you have the choice of either taking a big old hearty bite or walking away from the table and leaving it on the plate.

FWIW. In hindsight I wish I had walked away. But I took a bite (the first of many) instead.

This sound like a pattern with you WW. And she will continue the cheating as long as you let her. She probably feel justified in what she does. She probably feels like she is entitled. That she some how deserves to do this.

Every one here has BTDT.

Draw hard boundaries and stick with the consequences you set when there is a violation. We all teach people how to treat us. Remember that.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked,

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. You WW's MO sounds a lot like mine...pretend nothing happened and treat me like I am the one with the problem because I can't get over it.

Looking back now it is easy to pinpoint the times she was involved with OM for the same reasons u listed...lack of sex, affection, eye rolling, ect...

I would be surprised if even 10% of us BM have gotten the whole truth. I sure don't think I did.

You need to list the things you need in order to stay in the M and then be prepared to act if she cannot or will not do them. Don't allow her to cake eat. She sounds like a typical head-up-her-ass selfish WW.

[This message edited by Ready_to_run at 9:17 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have already gotten an apartment and will be telling her on April 11 I am leaving. I canot tolerate being treated like crap anymore. She has clearly chosen A over me. I want my son to have one final happy easter as a family and then I am packing my bags and moving on. I am not sure which WW I will get when I tell her as many of you have already experienced. I could get the I am sorry and want to work it out. The I will tell police you hit me or some other crap or the venomous WW who will do everyting in her power to make my life a living hell, well more so than she already has.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry shocked...fucked up shit.

You seem to be on the right path. As for telling WW, however, I would change the locks and pack her bag and send her packing. Why do you have to move when she cheated and continued to cheat. Just a thought.


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well first off neither one of us can afford to keep the house so we will have to sell. 2nd I found a great apartment owned by my best friends brother, the rent is all inclusive and is cheap. I will have access to a pool and my friend (has many kids) are next door. So my son will have the pool he has always wanted and his friends are next door.
3rd. If I leave I can take what I want and leave the rest for her to deal with as far as cleaning the house for sale. If she can find a roommate or whatever to help her then she can buy me out. Either way I do not have to worry about the house upkeep or cleaning out if we sell cause I will be gone.
And finally, this house has too many memories both good and bad but everywhere I look I see the OM and 3 years of my life I cannot get back. I think of all the work I did in the house, and the man hours I put in and want to cry. I truly thought this was the house I would grow old in and die in.
After this Sunday dying here is a possibility if the wife goes psychotic.
I could not pass up the apartment it was perfect, 2 bedrooms and in a very nice quiet area I could not possibly afford to live in otherwise and is about a mile from my current house so I can see my son often.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds perfect shocked...well thought out.

Just love that kid of yours and keep him out of this crapstorm. At least as much as you can.

Take care of yourself.


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
PSUBIKER
♂ Member
Member # 25717
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just amazing how the blame gets placed on the BH. It was a shock to all family members when exWW asked for a divorce - it was even more of a shock three weeks later when I found her in bed with her much older, homeless, unemployed, carless 2nd cousin.

Yet, despite years of them observing exWW treating me like crap, they bought into her bull shiite of me being "abusive". In fact, my exSIL said it was "my fault" for allowing POSOM to move into our tenent house. How was I supposed to know her sister was going to leave me for a realative?


BH 34
exWW 35
DS 6
DD4
Found exWW in bed with her 50 year old 2nd cousin!!!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: DE
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked-- I can tell you stories about xww skipping over the edge into psychotic violent episodes... yikes... hope you don't end up dead in the house. I also understand the loss of home... I was SAHD for nine years, that house was immaculate, I made all the repairs, built the fence, laid flooring, painted... the usual. now-- xww is getting a new wood floor, paid for by xfil, because it is so hard for a divorced woman with an angry x husband... asswipe cheating POS himself. Anyway.. she paid me for it. Doesn't change the connection.

The kids will be fine-- just make sure they know how much they are loved and supported. Much research in this... and from direct evidence know it is true.

Keep your lines and don't move them. You (us BHs) don't deserve to be minimized this way.

I agree with Ready to run, it is our death-- and the killer blames us for the kill'n. I am real tired of hearing how it is all my fault, not her choice (of course) but everything else...

Reason I stopped by: xww explained over weekend how the A was part of the past and that we needed to not dwell on the past- just learn from it and apply those lessons to now. Ok, I agreed, that means you can't bring up any old M issues, either, because, you know, they are from the past and we are learning from them. Then I gave examples of how she relies on rewritten history. She went blank, like a pinball machine tilted too much, and then tried to back track. I left it to her. She invited me to dinner with the kids later (not my week). haha


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, April 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate all the support I have received from you my fellow brothers in arms. As Sunday approaches i become more and more stressed out. I just want it to be out in the open. I have been slowly talking things to the apartment, I should of moved some things sooner because of all this rain my basement flooded and I lost some of the things i was going to take, oh well things happen for a reason.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@shockedandstuned,

If you are concerned that she might go balistic, or that she might claim you attacked her, then ensure that there is a witness with you when you tell her.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
BrokenBadger
♂ Member
Member # 9278
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím just done with the whole drama. Itís all just smoke and mirrors with her. I can see she is in heavy contact with ex-bf, yet plays me like everything is fine. I know she wants to leave and be with him, she just wants it to be my fault so she can tell everybody she knows thatĒ I tried my bestĒ. Really hard not to be completely cynical with stuff she says. Iím finding itís best to just not respond. Just leads to more manipulative behavior. She was trying pretty hard to get me to say I wanted to be with someone else the other day. So far I just stay calm and tell her Ēno, that was you that said thatĒ. Of course she knows what is going on in her double life but tries to play the part that she is innocent and true blue. OMG what did I do in a prior life to deserve this? Crazy. With all her drinking and double-lifing I figure itís only a matter of time before there is a complete breakdown in some manner. Anybody else out there living like this? Maybe sharing some coping strategies could be helpful, until that time when we can thankfully move on to a better life.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Hell
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB.

No good advice here. Basically I just suck it up and try not to get emotionally involved in her crazy shit.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
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