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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love the emotional boby condom comment. Very descriptive.

Sorry that all of this is on you, if she is receptive to work on these isue then there is promise possible, but it is a very hard road.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT my w chased me. She is very good at hiding things. Yo yo weight problem. Are these SAB traits? I don't want to end up in a relationship with an SAB survivior.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shyguy I dunno if there is any real hard and fast traits. I know my XWW's one sister would shut down for weeks at a time, in depression. I guess her and her husband are in the process of getting a D themselves. She has been in IC for almost a decade working on her issues. The damage is that deep.. That makes 8 divorces for the 5 daughters of that family. You simply can't fix people, they have to do that themselves. Its a journey they have to take on their own.

I don't mean to say never date someone who was SAB. Its just a personal choice for me. I can only talk from my own personal experience.

I guess for me I see the error in myself; I liked being chased, I liked being the object to someones desire. So for me I overlooked stuff that in later life I have knowledge of. By the time there were chinks in their armor, I was already in love with them. I guess I was past the point of really listening to my gut. I didn't know them really well enough because their was a whole nother layer hidden from me. Not talked about in a box in the back of their minds. When the right set of circumstances happen they slip into the box. Could be an argument to a passing glance from the opposite sex. The yo-yo weight didn't bother me near as much as the moods that went with it. All I ever really wanted was them to be actually was the people that I feel in love with. Instead they really were who they always had been, ya just didn't get to see the other side of the coin till it was too late.

My IC told me the problem I have with the whole situation is I get into "fix it" mode. Like ding theres a problem, I must fix it. Its all on my shoulders to suck it up and carry on, make it work. Instead of being able to voice my problems in the relationship, which I know in those relationships would lead to confrontation. I was so busy in not wanting to rock the boat, that I isolated myself from my own feelings.

One of the strengths I have now is saying no more. I now understand myself better. I stick to my boundaries of what is acceptable in a relationship. I had to relearn what a healthy normal relationship is.

Neither way is going to be easy, should you stay or should you go. Especially with children involved, makes the decision that much harder. But in my mind I think it best for my children that I wasn't in an unhealthy relationship.

3 years ago I joined this site. Writing that first JFO post, the day I got that email, sitting at my shop. It went from normal to devastated. Confronted with the double life she was living, to making the choice. To a bitter divorce where I found out she was pregnant and didn't know who the father was. A drawn out custody battle, that it was my XWW sole purpose was to make sure I'm punished, by using my son as collateral. Because she was mad at me. Mad because instead of taking any ownership of her own actions, just point the blame at me. I had to stop engaging her in any way, keep it all business.

But at the end of the day now. It simply doesn't matter. I really don't care anymore about it. I just don't really the need to visit it on the emotional level. Its life, your gunna have some of that.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy, Resigned, I sure can relate to what you are saying. My wife was a SAb victim at an early age and I really do feel like it stunted her ability to grow emotionally. It's like I am dealing with a 37 yr. old woman with the emotional maturity of a 10 year old. Very frustrating to try and have any kind of a conversation with someone like this unless it is all superficial stuff.

Like you I didn't really notice this too much until the time came when we were forced to have to deal with some very emotional issues and she just couldn't do it. I really mean she literally COULDN'T.

Because of this I feel like I have hung on longer than I probably should have. I feel sorry for her that she was abused and how it obviously screwed up her head. I went through stages where I even felt guilty because after all she is just a child in a woman's body and I felt like I was abandoning her. It's taken me a long time to reconcile all of this. It really does complicate things for sure. We are getting divorced. But, about once I week I still get a fleeting thought that maybe I should go home and try and work it out. But, then I realize that I would be doing all of the work and I would never be happy. Boy, is this tuff.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
caretoomuch
♂ Member
Member # 12625
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guys. Here I am just over 3 years out. What a road travelled.
What have I learnt......Anyone can betray you to some degree. Knowledge of this will allow you to expect the unexpected such that anything that is harmful to you will become predictable. It helps a defensive posture on the road.
Also I have learnt that anger is self defence and that other peoples actions , if offensive are always about them. Self defence is not needed if you are unassailable. Everything else is fluffy detail of no consequence.
As you see WW was SAb survivor. She too is really incapable of any deep discussion . Defence is raised then anger. I really think that when they see what they have done it just creates a black hole in their mind that eliminates the last vestige of self esteem thaey had between SAb and betrayal.
Hence the blame shift and the aggression.
We show that when we are first confronted by our wives choice of sexual partner.
The defence anger etc.
But as many have discovered its of no consequence.

[This message edited by caretoomuch at 9:17 AM, March 6th (Saturday)]


2006..Me 48
WW 47 OCD/ Sex Abuse by brother
Married 21 years,together 27
Teenagers
PA when engaged and now 3 1/2 yr PA with best friend
Dday 10 Nov 2006
Dont feel too bad ,people destroy the ones they love all the time.Its n

Posts: 640 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: floating, 2012..going
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my stbx's case, it was ALL hidden, and denied. Still is. I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for the next victim she ropes in with sex-on-a-platter.

TT's post is me.

My wrong in this was enjoying myself physically and ignoring the psychic/emotional/spiritual toll. Dday hit-almost 3 yrs. ago too - and since then, I've had to do my best to make sense of things, and boy have I become different!

I want to believe better, stronger...
I understand more than I ever imagined could exist about seriously messed up, personality-disordered people.
Got a raw spot that starts to ache when I encounter such now, it's opposite now - it's a "RUN!" signal, whereas before it was....'hmmm, interesting, maybe I can help this'

No. No. and No. No canna do, boyo!

I think the damage involves them walling off a part of themselves that gets ossified. They really do not know how to feel, and they become experts...
(I'm telling myself that, right? After all, I don't want to go around thinking I was bamboozled by a mere amateur!)
... but they become experts at ACTING appropriately in situations...they only know what sadness looks like in others, so they mimic that.

The only real crying sadness she exhibited had to do with her not getting her way. Mainly, the only real emotion they exhibit is anger, frustration...other than the yuk-it-up shallow partier.

I'd say a good rule would be to look for how self is referenced, as opposed to others. Is there real understanding? Empathy? Shame for past wrongs?

I can't imagine the strength alot of you have, bending, bending, bending - trying to fix this.

I can't. It broke me.
Now, although I'm all bent, I'm pretty sure I'm still pointing the right way.

May you have peace brothers!



Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Howsosoon
♂ New Member
Member # 26516
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WW got pushed off the fense yesterday by the OM and now I feel like I am second choice. hm


BS-Me 27
WS-Her 27
D-Day 16 Nov 2009
Married 10 mnths
together 16 mnths
Expecting
1 Step hers
no pets

Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2009
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a tough one, HSS. My WW got pushed off the fence 2 weeks before my 2nd d-day. OM who was engaged at the time (nice huh?) dropped her like a bad habit after his fiance' found out.

Just could never shake the idea that if he had wanted more she would have left me for him. She, of course, told me she would never have left me. Who knows. I still felt like I was her second choice.

The question is can u accept that. I couldn't. Some people can.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
SadStorey
♂ New Member
Member # 26701
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT I'm Mr. Fix-it as well. Been so my whole life. Probably stemmed from some of my FOO stuff too. I've been the KISA all my life. For friends, women, family etc.

I had this response to the affair as well. It wasn't till xWW hinted of SAB that I know it was over. I'm a Sp. Ed. Teacher and see so much of this in my students. It was then I knew I was "helpless" in the situation.

I as well have made this a deal breaker for the future dating as well. I should have realized what she was hinting about when she told me she lost her virginity @ 11.


Me-BS 28
Her-WS 24
Dated 3 years, then engaged a year.
Married 7/18/09
Dday(my bday also) 8/27/09
Divorced 12/14/09
Began affair prior too and during the marriage.
No kids...just my Doghter

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Michigan
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know most lads like to think were pretty dab hands at DIY restorations/fixups....

but i cant help think there isnt something to be said about moving in where everything is already in working order.

I mean after all.. then you can get to concentrate on actually enjoying things... as fun as fixing the plumbing is... a bbq on the deck is better.

[This message edited by SourCherryDrops at 8:13 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
StuckinMud
♂ Member
Member # 27831
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I deserve a couple ONSís.

For 23 years I have been, faithful, devoted. I have bottled up my temptations, opportunities and fantasies. WHY.

Do I have more self control them WW, or did I take our vows seriously.


Posts: 52 | Registered: Mar 2010
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn HSS, I'd have to run away from that one-8 mos? no kids?

run far far away my friend...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck... You don't want to go there... You throw a mess of a ONS into the mess your WW made and it's magnified by 50...

Keep the high ground... If you want to have ONS's get divorced first...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck.

I agree with wb about getting a D before looking for a ONS. I know its tempting. Like we are missing out - and there is no reward for the high road - and the low road gets all the perks.

But for the brief fun of a ONS you would stir up a shit storm of epic proportions. Not worth it IMHO.

Howsosoon.

Only M 8 months and no kids or pets.

Run man. Run like the fucking wind. You WW have shown you what she is all about. LEARN FROM IT. Run. Find some one else. Some one better. Some one that will respect you.

Some one you can trust.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck, I took the high road. I had the opp for a ons before the D. Thanks to the SI crowd I did not go there. There is no reward other than self respect.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
SadStorey
♂ New Member
Member # 26701
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HSS, you and I are in a very similar boat. Young ages, recently M and D, no kids, etc. However, mine didn't get pushed off by the OM or myself for that matter (truely not enough time to do it), she just left me for him.

I will say this, I'm only 7 months out from Dday and 3 from my dvorce, but I do know that is no way I wanted to start a marriage. Seriously, not even a honeymoon phase? Jump right into this? Thats just now way to start...


Me-BS 28
Her-WS 24
Dated 3 years, then engaged a year.
Married 7/18/09
Dday(my bday also) 8/27/09
Divorced 12/14/09
Began affair prior too and during the marriage.
No kids...just my Doghter

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Michigan
Workin It Out
♂ Member
Member # 27473
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck....I'm sure it's tempting, but you're better than that.

Think of how you felt when you found out. Hopefully your WW felt guilty about what she did.

If you had a few ONS imagine the pain and guilt you would feel inside. Could you honestly hide that for the rest of your life. It may feel good during the hunt and the act, but the aftermath would likely drive you nuts.


I believe there's a ghost of a chance we can find someone to love....And make it last - Rush

Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Between here and somewhere else
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck in Mud,

I think most of us have asked ourselves that very same question.

Id reckomend waiting until after the D...then you can go wild for a while...get your mojo back... or if D is a long drawn out process where you live ...then wait until you are at least fully seperated...

These days instead of thinking that i deserve to have a few ONS myself i think that i deserve to have some of that excitment...that passion, that my wife exhibited with her OM during the A's...

we used to have sex in tha back of the car...in the changing rooms... during a walk in the forest.... but over the last few years if i suggested or even hinted at something like that ...all i got was rolled eyes...

If she had put the same effort into me as she did OM then I wouldnt be here....


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So does anyone think that it is possible to reconcile with a survivor of childhood sexual abuse?

Our current plan is for me to wait while she does IC, and then we will do MC.

Am I fooling myself?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So does anyone think that it is possible to reconcile with a survivor of childhood sexual abuse?

anything is possible.

Likely? dunno about that.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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