I also find that level of trust not anywhere I would like it to be, and I see the lack of depth in the relationship as a partial cause to it. My question to her has be that I need to know, from her what she is going to do when the crap hits the fan in her life again, how is she addressing her need for acceptance for others. It is this kind of stuff that gets her into trouble.
I think one of the things that really drives me nuts at times is her superior ability to compartmentalize all of this stuff.
I just want to something more.
But everytime I reach out for something more it's like I'm bouncing off a brick wall. She's not mean about it, she's just not there. There's no empathy or compassion. It doesn't exist in her. It's like trying to describe a color to a blind person.
I think the SAb deprived her of the ability to develope these feelings. And I can understand that intellectually. But understanding it doesn't get my emotional needs met.
What amazes me too is that we've been married for a long time and I never before was aware of this deficency in her. I guess because I never needed the compassion and empathy from her before.
I think hurts hit the nail on the head with the compartmentalization. Another coping mechanism of SAb.
[This message edited by resigned at 9:22 PM, March 1st (Monday)]
I know tthat I can see it in my W. She so struggles with how to deal with teen boys, deep connections in a relationship and views of normal sexual relations. All are done on a surface basis.
I really agree that it is easy to understand it intellectually, but the day to day is really tough.
I don't know how you can, without a time machine, and sexual abuse makes for a very twisted family dynamic.
It's only been in the last few years that my DW's closest sister has admitted that their family life wasn't perfect. For a long time she was in denial, and saying things weren't as bad as DW was saying they were.
64, does your wife treat sex and fidelity as not a big deal? Was she slutty before you got married? Have depression? Is she a black hole of need for external valdidation? These things aren't proof of abuse, but abuse can make people act like that.
my WW claims sexual abuse as a child, although no one in her family knows of it, & I never heard anything about it until last year, so I'm really skeptical it happened at all. How can you verify?
Yeah I was in the same boat with my XWW. I found from her sister that basically disowned her own family the depths of what occurred. Her father had sexually/physically abused all the daughters from a young age. On the outside they looked like a very upper middle class catholic family. But the reality was a very dysfunctional one. It was crazy to see the timeline of my XWW's cheating. As soon as her father got cancer she started up again with a vengeance. I think on some level they get emotionally stunted when the abuse happens. Their young brain is unable to process the adult theme of it all and develops a coping mechanism that they retain for the rest of their lives. I think in my XWW's case this is how she was introduced to sex, it never evolved to the point of having a deeper meaning, no compassion, empathy. Basically she was short circuited, and sex was a way to re-victimize herself to the fundamentals of what she thought sex was.
I hate to say it buts its true with me. Now that I'm single, I ask the question early on in a relationship if they were SAB. To me its a major breaking point, just the same as if they cheated in the past.
I dunno outta the 3 longterm relationships I have had were SAB was a part of the past they all ended the same (cheating.) The excuses offered to me the same, it was my fault, I wasn't doing enough to make them feel special. But all of these were after the boundary was crossed. For them they could only see their side of it, how they justified it. Not one had enough empathy to think how they are hurting another person by their actions.
Just sucks that people have to go through this..
64, does your wife treat sex and fidelity as not a big deal? Was she slutty before you got married? Have depression? Is she a black hole of need for external valdidation?
pretty much, yeah. dunno about how she was before we met, she had just moved here(ran away from problems?)
her family was great, raised Catholic, but some neighbor/uncle molested her at some time she says, but she never told anyone or said anything.
DW has discussed trigger points in her life, one is when our daughters reached the age she was abused. Another was her mom's Alzheimer's getting bad.
The question, for 64 and TT, is what drew you to a SAb woman? For me, I would bet that my mom was, maybe I was trying to fix her life, maybe it's what I was used to growing up and found it familiar.
[This message edited by Lonerider at 2:40 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]
I think the problem is, I got to involved without really knowing there whole past. SAB victims are very good at minimizing their pasts, and painting a very happy childhood. They are very good at acting and have been practicing it their whole lives. Those deeper issues don't become apparent till later. They don't out and out say it, till after we see some damage. Then its used (sometimes) as a way to justify, or skirt their own actions.
This is why its a question early on in dating before becoming exclusive for me. My last WW fiancee told me in the beginning she was SAB. It was a red flag, but she told me she had dealt with it. Stupid me should have looked at all her previous relationships to see that wasn't the case at all. In the end she did cheat on me, and very much took the mindset of its my problem she did it.
Another thing I noticed was every single one of these women had weight problems. Sure it wasn't apparent when I first met them because they were on the bottom of their life long yo-yo diet. So they were in fact feeling good about themselves at that time. But once they became comfortable, they let themselves go, then felt bad about themselves. It was like a constant roller coaster ride.
Nowadays its my choice of who I date, I pick. I have my list, and I stick to it. I deserve the best!
The question, for 64 and TT, is what drew you to a SAb woman?
I have no fucking idea, I'm def not the KISA type, & she wasn't in distress or anything.
we met, hit it off, dated for years before marrying.
had I known then what I know now, I'd have ran away as fast as possible-now I have 2 kids learning to act just like her.
By the time all things started finding the paths, we had a little one on the way. My sense of duty has held me through so much of this. That and that I do love her so.
I know that there are several different paths to follow in these kind of deals, but I don't see any of them as anything but hard.
SAB or not. None of us have any good choices to make. There is no right choice that lead to a happy care free life. IMHO whether it be D or R or any thing else we still suffer the consequence of loving broken people. And having these people break us in turn.
My FWW likes to tell me she loves me. Which would ordinarily be a good thing. Except it doesn't jive with the lack of empathy and compassion. I don't understand how a person lacking these emotions can love someone. So, I'd prefer she just didn't say it as I think it's a lie calculated to solicit the same words from me.
It's especially troubling to me when she says it while we're having sex. It just totally shuts me down. Literally.
Does anyone else have difficulty reconciling a declaration of love with a complete lack of empathy?
I think we ALL do.
I do agree it is so very hard to reconcile, I know it is pushing me to the edge of endurance. And I am really trying to not have it distroy what I think of her. I guess I want to understand all of it, but it such a forgein thing. I love her.
When we were still talking a few days ago, my WW described how she has an "emotional body condom" on. she is in relationships, but is protected (and never fully committed). She is not sure that she can every be truely intimate and in love with me.
She has FOO issues with an alcoholic mother, some SAb, much of which I am only really learning about now.
Sorry that all of this is on you, if she is receptive to work on these isue then there is promise possible, but it is a very hard road.