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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
Glaucon
♂ Member
Member # 18582
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On reflection. The best revenge would be to simply hand me WW over to him. And wish them a happy life together.

That's a good thought, but we're way past that. The OM was just a fling. My STBXWW is two guys past him already.

My record is squeaky clean and I'm not too worried about the legal aspect.
The ideal situation would allow me do dump a beer on him in front of his posse and ask him what he's going to do about it. The problem is that he'd most likely be to scared to hit me, which would complicate things.

Thanks for indulging me guys. Anyone have an idea on how long these revenge fantasies last?


Instead of waiting for the right circumstances, create them.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: USA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glaucon.

How long? 13 years and counting.

I think if I ever ran in to OM in public. I would walk right up to him. May be invade he personal space a wee bit. And say *Hi ***** How are you doing?* It would be fun if he squirmed but I doubt he would.

He is a tiny little man. But is well armed with a lawyer. WW tell me one time that OM sued he neighbor and got $50000 because the neighbor punched him. I wonder WHY he neighbor punched him?

I know OM is a serial cheater so I have my suspicions.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hoping to get a little insight from guys on here.

I feel lucky to have a fww who seems to be doing everything right. I have no grounds to complain about anything in the R process. She seems to totally get it and is willing to do anything to repair the damage. I also feel she has dug to her core to indentify issues that put her in a position to make the choices she did.

What I'd be curious about hearing from others in similar situations is this: what are the personal struggles you face that are really your own responsibility if you choose to stay in the marriage?

I have to say that 2 years out I'm frustrated with myself at how much I dwell on their 2 month relationship. For some reason even though he is long gone I dwell ( threatened maybe) on the details of their relationship. This includes being bothered about the things they shared together and that she enjoyed them with another man. I also still try to figure out their relationship. The details of how it progressed just make no sense to me. I think there is a danger in looking at an affair relationship through the eyes of sanity. She acted insane and I think I am obsessing at figuring out how this fits into my picture if who she is.

I also struggle with this idea that this other man and relationship changes forever how she sees me as a man. You know, now she has something to compare me too. It feels like I have lost some of my masculinity in our relationship.

I just see so many guys struggling with wives that just don't get it that I'd like to hear a little from guys who are struggling with their side of the work required to Reconcile.

Thanks!


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you tim-two years out I still think about that asshole & my WW daily. I know it probably ended on dday, so it was like 2 months also, but the damage was permanent.
I do feel like much less of a man-I mean, I am a cuckold no matter how you look at it, it will never be a positive thing.

I just hope I can stay in my kid's lives as long as possible, I'm not really looking for any type of reconciliation-I gave up on that abt 2 yrs ago.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64fleet

Do you think you have given up on reconciliation because of anything your W hasn't done post dday or is it truly something you can't accept as a part of your marriage's past?

Is there anything your wife could have done differently?

I do want to reconcile because I believe in many ways now I have the perfect friend and wife with the flippin exception of the affair in her past.

The point is I don't want to believe it's hopeless because I want to stay with my wife.


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anything your wife could have done differently?

most definately-it was continued lying well after d-day, in fact I remember the day well-she looked me straight in the eye & lied to my face.
Something inside me died that minute, & I knew I could never believe another word she said-it also meant all the other bullshit I was 'sposed to believe was untrue also.

I mean, I already knew she was a liar(I overheard her talking w/OMM, she did not even respect me enough to end the call), but to lie while looking me in the eye was just too much.
I still don't believe her "story", & I never will either.

how can you R with someone who doesn't feel you are worth the truth?


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to believe it's hopeless because I want to stay with my wife.

It is not hopeless, if I could find it in me to R, then anyone can. The question is if we will be successful or not.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in saying hopeless I am referring to my own personal struggles in dealing with what has happened. At this point if R were to fail I put myself to blame. Yes my wife's terrible choices put us on this path, but now we are here and I have my own shit I have to own since I want to stay in the marriage.

The being a cuckold point by Fleet64 is interesting. I mean I'm not really a cuckold as I understand the definition since it stopped as soon as I found out and it is not currently happening. I do think however that one of my struggles is that I DO feel like one since it did happen. How do us as guys get past our wives having past sexual encouters while in the marriage? I know it's all in how we frame up those thoughts in context in our minds but I'm looking for advice on that front.

[This message edited by Tim3167 at 3:12 PM, January 14th (Thursday)]


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tim,

My wife was married before me, had plenty of boyfriends. She had sex before she met me, if I die or we get divorced she'll have sex after.

The lies and lying were far more hurtful.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies and lying were far more hurtful.

x2-I could get over the A, I was very willing to R, it was the continued lying, even after she knew how I felt about the lying-she still lied.

yeah, it ain't happening right now, but it still happened, & will happen again.

She had absolutely no regard for my needs/feelings/etc., no respect, hell she would not even get off the phone w/him, right in front of me telling this guy how bad she wanted him.

[This message edited by 64fleet at 3:42 PM, January 14th (Thursday)]


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lies. Blaming me for her A. More lies. Half truths. Lies by omission. Breaking NC. And really her just not giving a damn about me and what ever pain I am in. No empathy. No real remorse. Just its over so get over it allready.

It is not the having sex with other men before me that destroys me self image. It is having sex with other men AFTER we said our vows. Also the sex she had with other men after I THOUGHT we were exclusive with each other. Thats the real problem.

Tim. As to you situ. I can give you very little. Unlike you WW mine did every thing wrong. Blame. Lying. Breaking NC. Hell I could write a book for WS about how to repair they M after the A based completely on doing the OPPOSITE OF WHAT ME WW DID.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies and lying were far more hurtful.

Yup... that's the part that kills you. It's really not so much what they did before D day so much as what they do after. Unfortunately, D day is usually only a turning point for the BS, not the WS - they are often still in the fog and not dealing with their problem, they try to keep having things both ways and in the process they do far more damage than the original A.

The last time I saw my XW, who never "defogged", I had just nothing left to say to her... we just finished the appointment with the lawyer, walked out, and never talked to each other again.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's really not so much what they did before D day so much as what they do after.

Unless you WW had a LTA. Then allot of the M pre A and during A are called into question. Add to that all the lies and blaming afterward and you start to see you whole life with you WW is nothing but a total cluster fuck.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
GWGWGD
♂ New Member
Member # 26874
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glaucon and others,
Thanks for getting this discussion out. These thoughts have been rolling around in my head since DDay, and they had no where to go. Thanks for getting them out there in such clarity. It's somehow different if the guy doesn't know she's married. But when he obviously does, it seems like it should be a obglation to society to punish him for all the collateral damage (kids, families, spouses, ...).

[This message edited by GWGWGD at 10:00 PM, January 14th (Thursday)]


BS(me)47 WW(Her)45
M = 15yrs; 3 Great Kids
DDay 08/13/2007
She refused to R/MC/D.
I File for D 01/22/2010

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA, Midwest
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tim,

My WW desperately wanted to stay married. Said she'd do anything. But she cheated like crazy (over 12 OM), and I simply can't get past it.

I've always struggled with guilt about wanting to end the M. But I've just had to do my best to try hard to shove that emotion aside while we go through the D process.

So, I'm similar to you in that my WW, given the opportunity (which I never gave her), may have done everything right in R. But the trust is gone, so D it will be.

Do you now trust your wife? Really, really trust her? If not, it's impossible to not be haunted by her past actions and to continually feel like the fool while you're with her and trying to R.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 11:21 PM, January 14th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Low man
♂ Member
Member # 26141
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of my problem is that while I may have not done alot of things my FWW needed earlier in our M. The one thing that for me was the hardest is the PA. One time I was close to this earlier in our M, I was ready to end my life because I had let myself down so much. The PA cut me deeper than anything she could have possibly have done. I know I am probably in the minority but my FWW is the only person I have been intimate with.


D-Day Aug 09
BS 52
FWW 49
3 yr LTA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: midwest
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tim, My WW and I are still miles away from being Reconciled, but that is the goal that weve both expressed to each other.

For myself there are a couple of things that i strugle with.

one is Appologising when i realise that ive done something that hurts my wife. I am a perfectionist and i am also reasonably competant at most things i turn my hand too. This makes it hard for me to admit that ive made a mistake, or that i was less than perfect in a certain situation.

Another thing i strugle with is bringing up a difficult topic. If something is bothering me or if i am feeling upset, It seems to cost me a herculean effort to start the conversation. Once its started im fine....

Something that i am finding relatively easy at the moment is to hold my own with my wife when we are talking....previously she could talk me into the ground, now that doesnt happen. I suspect its a combination of me uping my game a bit and her feeling guilty and insecure.

In the furture i know that there will be a couple of big hurdles to get over. One is almost certainly the process of givig her my trust again. Some one may well be doing everything correct to earn your trust back but only you can give it. Its going to take many small acts of extending my trust in certain circumstances (and not have if abused) before i can say that i trust her again.

I also think there will be a big mental barrier to actually telling her that ive forgiven her...(assuming i get to that point)


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SourCherryDrops- I also struggle with the notion of forgiveness and it is especially difficult with my wife in full denial.

When I justified my inability to forgive (talking with my IC) I said "how can I forgive someone who not only isn't repentant but doesn't even admit her actions? Even Jesus only forgave those who repented."

My IC said there are two types of forgiveness an the first type, the kind that comes from an authority or diety is not the type I can give. That being since I have no control over her or anyone else's actions.

The type of forgiveness I can give is the type that I admit to myself that neither she nor I can change the past and I have to let it go to heal. This whether we reconcile, divorce or what ever. Forgiveness in this situation simply means letting go of the past for your own sake.

This also doesn't mean forget. You must forgive even though you can never forget.

[This message edited by Stop at 9:40 AM, January 15th (Friday)]


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop.

As a Catholic the forgiveness thing is a tuff one to get thru. I have seen many many many BS struggle with this. Often the BS redefines forgiveness to a point where they are able to do it. IMHO if you have to redefine the meaning of forgiveness you are not really forgiving. At the end I decided that I just could not do it. I could not forgive because to be forgiven a person has to be forgivable. Some one that has no remorse. No empathy. And continues to lie is not forgivable. May be some things some crimes just can not be forgiven. May be they should not be.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Low man
♂ Member
Member # 26141
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what you say Razor. Forgiveness is important. I also agree that when we try to redifine forgiveness to fit our own needs then is it really forgiveness?
Part of my problem is that I need to forgive myself for past issues in the M. I always seem to have a harder time forgiving myself than I do other people.


D-Day Aug 09
BS 52
FWW 49
3 yr LTA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: midwest
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