Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Forsook (43154)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
mickey321
♂ Member
Member # 25725
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to take his arm and twist it till I heard the cartilage pop and crack as his shoulder left the socket. That way the puss-nutted bastard would think of me every time it got cold or rainy.


BH 44 Me
WW 39
DS 9 years old
D-Day 03July2009
R - Trying

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Midwest
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a relief to know that others have had the same ideas. Mickey, I was like you in that I'm a very non-violent person but I had thoughts of things that actually scared me.

One thing that helped me get over the most severe part of this stage was remembering that he did pursue her but she never fought back and she is every bit as responsible as he is. If he deserved this kind of punishment then shouldn't she? I am upset and un-trusting of my WW but I couldn't begin to think of anyone hurting her especially like I thought of hurting him.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say the WW is more responsible than the OM, our OM never made any promises or commitments to me.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mickey, I had thoughts that would make the Saw series look like childs play! Man, if the thought police had seen any of it........

You're normal, man, it's all part of it. Just remember, if he had raped her, you'd be justified, anything else andf he's just an act in the play.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
dontknowwhyme
♂ Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to hurt OM because he is exactly that type of person. A hunter looking for prey. I understand that it takes two. I hold my wife responsible too. The difference is I know so many good things about my wife. I am not sure the OM has ever done a good thing that was not for the wrong reason.

ETA I had to change want to hurt OM to wanted to hurt OM. Those feelings fade.

[This message edited by dontknowwhyme at 1:01 PM, November 6th (Friday)]


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
mickey321
♂ Member
Member # 25725
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I take a step back, I know dispite anything the OM said/did, nothing would have happened without her say so.

I'd say the WW is more responsible than the OM, our OM never made any promises or commitments to me.

And Yeah, I'm transferring some of my anger with her onto him. It's easier right now. I'm still attached to her and wouldn't give a warm squirt of piss for him.


BH 44 Me
WW 39
DS 9 years old
D-Day 03July2009
R - Trying

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Midwest
lostbroken
♂ New Member
Member # 23940
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah, I was very tempted to beat the crap out of the OM. I had the chance a couple times, and one of them would have been full on ugly and he would have really gotten hurt. But in the end I didn't pursue him and I didn't avoid him either, I just let things happen. Turns out I never did run in to him and now with some time distance it's probably for the best for all the "right" reasons. In my situation he's not the focus at all, as a matter of fact, he's nothing and beating him up would have been more an exercise in stress relief than any kind of revenge. The consequences for me could have been bad as well considering I am sure he would have gotten very hurt. The OM is a fraud and a scumbag but it's not my responsibility to "out" him to the world. As long as he stays out of my way forever then that's fine by me but if I ever bump into him along the way, we'll see what kind of day I'm having. Oh but we did let his wife know he's a lying piece of crap, felt too bad letting her get scammed.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2009
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, November 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had to many OM's it wasn't worth it. The key part of all of it was the WW. She was the one to put full blame on, she was the one that I Married, and had the legal obligation to uphold her end of it.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Buzz09
♂ Member
Member # 25971
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to hurt OM because he is exactly that type of person. A hunter looking for prey. I understand that it takes two. I hold my wife responsible too.

I held my WW responsible. But, this prick was a private coach, where a lot of Mom's were the ones taking them to lessons. How many other married women did he take advantage of? I was in the car on the way to his business. Then I saw a police car and it made me realize he wasn't worth going to jail over. So, I called him. To this day I regret not outing what he did to the league and community.


Me BH 40
WW 41

Posts: 648 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: buzz09
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually think its the healthy choice in the long term to transfer the anger we feel towards our WW's onto the OM.

If we let it out on our Wives i doubt that the M would survive...

Ive been bad mouthing the OM and her Friends that knew about it... From what i understand she didnt confide all the details to each friend rather told some friends about one relationship and others about another....but still some of these 'friends' have sat in my kitchen and smilled at me and acted normal, asking me how i am, knowing that my wife was screwing around behind my back...

and the OM...Maybe she cant recognise them for what they are yet, but i can, the phsical affair partners were exactly that out looking for a soft target for something on the side....the EA/PA...for him she was probably just another in a long line of OW...as soon as thing sstarted getting too intense he broke it off...only to string her along again for another year sometimes recoupling the A other times letting it slide.

OM are all Bastards and deserve to have there balls served to them on a platter..

Of course in reality theyre simply not worth us getting inot legal troubles over giving them what they really deserve.

So as long as it stays inside your head...helll i say enjoy it...


What scared me is an image i had of myself with my wife...She has asked me if i felt like killing her or sometimes tries to joke about how i might feel like ringing her neck...Ive not once even though about anything like that...its much much worse...because i know that i would never do any of those...but the image that i did see i could imagine myself doing....thats scary.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An update

It's time for an update, starting with what my wife has told me, what I've found out, and future plans.

What she's admitted to

She told me that she told her old bf they can't talk any more, it wasn't what she wanted. She told me that she got angry when he posted a pic of he and his wife on FB, and she realized a few things, one she was lying to herself about this "friendship" and two, he was lying, he was happy pretending to be happily married while looking for action on the side. He admitted to cheating before with the mother of his judo student, and he was grooming my wife with all the talk about "keep this between us so no one gets hurts".

This weekend we visited her sister, and her sister let her have it. The SIL repeated that he was a stalking slimeball (every time my inlaws saw the exbf he would ask about DW, what she was up to, if she had email or a cell phone). The SIL thinks it was an ego thing, he go dumped and now he had to win, even if it broke up our marriage). The SIL also said I should have kicked DW out, I said that was step 3 or 4.

DW also admitted that exbf asked her to visit him in a close city after a trade show this week, I'm glad she came out with that.

She also admitted that coffee with an old bf is never just coffee, and she understood why a different brother_in_law wouldn't let a different sister go. She met old bf last month for lunch, he bought her a hot Italian Sausage sammy (how Freudian, exbf is Italian).

She also said she told exbf that I know what was going on, hopefully he's in fear of a big fat envelope going to his house, and that will keep him from restarting contact.

What I've found

I found out about the visit after the trade show, I'm glad she admitted that he made that offer, and she has no plans to take him up on it.

I looked up her minivan on ez-pass, no trips on the Thruway.

I installed a keylogger, and go the pw to one account, there's been activity since the "NC" call, and no emails since. I'm still working on the other email account.

Future plans

I need to get into the other email account, I'll try different things every day. I need to enable keylogging on our old firefox.

I also need to have a hard talk with her about why she got lusty, I liked that change, but I don't like her to get that way from talking to other men. We need to rekindle that passion between us.

[This message edited by Lonerider at 10:21 AM, November 9th (Monday)]


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was pissed at OM & OMM, until the phone records clearly showed WW calling THEM first.

I focus my anger onto WW since then.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really sucks that she's done this Lonerider.

I do think it's a good thing that she came to you with this though. It's not perfect, but it's something.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35297 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to keep an even keel, wh5. Somedays I have to remind myself that I knew she was effed up when I married her.

It is a good sign that she's admitting stuff, and decided on NC with little input from me. It's a much better sign than four years ago.

A longer term issue is finding out why it takes attention from other men to get her libido going, it probably all goes back to the SAb.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tend to go with wincing on most of this. My WW in particular is way more messed up than I ever was. I will take no blame anymnore for ANYTHING that went wrong.

Lonerider - She may have been messed up but that almost is like a blame of yourself. Maybe you did pick a bad apple but it never makes it your fault. It is not and above that it is not your job to fix herself. She does or doesnt.

I think us BH take too much blame in all of this and need to get our own lives straight M or not.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lone Rider- I agree with you that SAb is probably root cause. My situation is almost exactly like yours and I have done a lot of reading about SA.

It is a damn hard, cold choice. I question whether my wife, even if she gets to the point yours is, will ever have the guts to face her problems honestly and work honestly with an expert counselor.

I sure can't help her, anything I do or say works right into me being the problem A**H*** that makes her behave the way she does.

So I am working on taking care of myself and preparing for what seems inevitable. I say inevitable because I can't see her ever being able to earn trust.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sure can't help her, anything I do or say works right into me being the problem A**H*** that makes her behave the way she does.

So I am working on taking care of myself and preparing for what seems inevitable. I say inevitable because I can't see her ever being able to earn trust.

same here guys- my fav sitch to rant about to my buddies is the following actual conversation a few weeks ago:

WW-"kids you better pick up all your toys or I'm throwing shit away"
3 y/o-"don't throw my shit away"
WW-"64 you need to watch your mouth around these kids"

I had only been home 10 mins & had not said ONE FUCKING WORD!

it was then I realized it is always my fault-no matter what the issue. It's the same with many of you-its your fault.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
whatnow09
♂ New Member
Member # 25704
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"SAb is probably root cause."

That really touched me, and I am sorry for everyone that is or has had to deal with it. You can't rationalize with crazy. There's a "trading down" thread on the general forum that also seems to touch some of these feelings.

Be well, all.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: midwest
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WW blames some SA also.

dunno how it gets from SA 40 yrs ago to all my fault today, but it does.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64fleet,

In a couple of semi rational moments my wife has said to me that I verbally abuse her. She cites the fact that I have told her she lies to me way too much and about things that are way to impoprtant.

I told her she was committing adultery and infidelity with perverts she met on a porn website and she should be better than that. Later she swears I called her a slut and a pervert. Perhaps she heard that but I didn't exactly say that.

My counselor (yes, I am in counseling for copendency even though she won't go because she is not the problem :)) says my wife hears the voice of the people who abused and accused her growing up. She was gang raped when about 11 or so and later at 19 her psychiatrist raped her under the influence of the drugs he gave her. Her family always said maybe it was partly her fault (WHAT!!!) , or at least thats what she heard. So according to my counselor she hears all of those things in her mind.

Sets up a bit of a catch 22 for me because I see myself as plain spoken, direct, logical and not inclined to silently tolerate infidelity.

So my options appear to be to watch the fire, try to put it out with kerosene, or walk away from it. Seems like I would prefer another option :)


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.