Move her and all her stuff out of the marital bedroom, maintain a separate bathroom if possible-- this is a good boundary for you emotionally. Also-- do your own laundry and don't allow clothing to mix with hers(I know it sounds odd, but this helped me much on an emotional level)
Make sure you do nothing to help out her "space." If she leaves things in community space-- pile it in her space.
Set and maintain a specific schedule in your house: specific dinner time at table (alone or with her), scheduled television, computer, music time, specific bed time that you don't alter if possible. Include in this specific schedule for just you-- work out, hobby, movie once a week. Keeping this schedule is a good boundary to protect you mentally--
Set up and keep discussion times with spouse once or twice a week. Otherwise do the ole 180 hard and serious. If she bails on established times-- have a back up activity just for you-- treat type thing or get a bag and beat the shit out of it. This should be a good process mentally and emotionally.
Also, don't bail her out of any trouble or situations (car problems, money issues, people problems, work issues, anything) and refuse to discuss them outside of specific talk times.
I wish you well.
[This message edited by blue day at 6:02 PM, October 23rd (Friday)]
M 25 yrs
my first and only love,it sucks!
Sounds like you're not quite sure if you want to D?
I don't know if my wife is a sex-addict per-se, but the cheating was outrageous (well, any cheating is outrageous, period).
When I discovered her true nature, I just stopped giving a shit about fidelity. She can go fuck every single bottom-feeder in the world, for all I care. She's never getting back into my heart. That's a boundary she will never pass. There was no sex since D-day either. The thought repels me. So there are two impenetrable boundaries.
We're still living together and have children. I sleep in a separate room. For the last year I've just been trying to get up the nerve to D. Blocking me were feelings of pity for her. Yes, I must admit I still care for her in some fashion. But not in the way a H cares for his W. It's taken me time to come to terms with the fact that a M cannot survive based on pity alone, and that the kids are NOT going to be OK in an environment laced with poison.
After the huge emotional meltdown of D-day subsided, we've had nothing but a business relationship. The D process has started, but I expect it will move along at a glacial pace.
I am doing codependent 12 steps, I got that way during the marriage trying to control her gambling (several years) failed :(. Thats why I am not financially ready. Now I have put significant financial boundaries in place and finally protected myself there, now this.
Sounds like you are not having much fun either, at least at home, but you have your head screwed on right it appears. I am working on doing that, my wife is definitely a classic addict. She was seeing professionals for the gambling addiction off and on but all of a sudden they got "stupid" and she doesn't need them she says. One of them must have 'splained to her she was a sick degenerate and she didn't like it idk. I know she started and left group therapy because her group kept telling her she was sick and needed to make herself well.
But yeah, I am seeing divorce as the most likely outcome by far, and it's not close. So I am getting ready. I guess if lightening strikes her and she goes and gets the help she needs voluntarily I would look at it again but I think I am more likely to see pigs fly.
Like you, I am seperated in the same house. It feels lonlier when she is home than when she is gone, go figure. Maybe there are few boundaries, except financial that will protect me emotionally, idk, but I will keep working on myself anf figuring it out while I dig out financially. Good luck to you sir. You are ahead of me and an inspiration. Thanks for your post.
The D was the best possible outcome for our situation.
We started joint C, but from the start I knew her heart wasn't in it - she was just going through the motions. Backing up a bit, we met through another infidelity board in 2001 and I moved out of state after months of talking and communicating. We had a lot of commonality - both of our ex's cheated and subsequently married their AP's. We both were fully aware of each other's pain and even after I moved in, we still had many discussions re: our XWS's. We continually empathized with each other's scars and both of us reiterated our disdain for adulterers.
That's why this is so hard for me......I hate to say it, but after having been through my XWW affair - having total trust in someone who had been through it just as I had, I experienced the darkest hopelessness I have ever felt. I wound up in the psyche unit after two suicide attempts. My spirit had been totally broken and was nonexistent. I still struggle with the will to continue on, but I know going in to the hospital won't solve it. Yes, I am going to IC, but it doesn't help too much. I'm taking AD's and they only do so much (the dr's won't prescribe anti-anxiety due to the suicide attempts).
Following the A with XWW, I read everything I could get my hands on, but just like now, I never got any answers. No closure at all.XWW was gone in 2 weeks after she told me goodbye. Nothing I do seems good enough. I'm such a giving person with a lot of love in my heart. I'm not perfect, but I assure you I did all those little things that women talk about. I did everything to make her life easier, yet I didn't lose "my" identity. I did those things because that's the way I am. In fact, 3 mos. prior to Dday, she wrote me an endearing letter- telling me what a good man I was and how she appreciated me. Since I got very little details about the OM, etc.I don't even know how long the A was. As it seems now, she was planning on getting rid of me, but waited until the majority of renovation was finished. I never got to see the other renovations which took place after I left the house. Talk about felling used.
Since July, I've neemn trying to get my belongings out of the two homes. All I've gotten thus far is clothing. I now have a restraining order "because" when I was in the hospital after the last attempt, I told the psychiatrist that I was having homicide ideation. I forgot to mention that I found out the OM moved in - this was after she kept insisting that "she wanted to do this (I don't know what this means)on her own" . Obviously more deception and lies. I also want to point out that over and above an occasional argument, I have NEVER shown any violent tendencies. I'm pretty mellow overall. And after all, she thought I was a "good man".
Since my dad is in hospice now, I wanted to get the rest of my things (I had previously offered my XGF the opportunity to buy my furniture that I brought into the relationship. After I found out about the OM, I told her to forget that offer. "If you think I'm going to let the two of you sit on my furniture, you're crazy".
I "tried" to communicate via email and then I got the RO because the psychiatrist was bound by law to advise her of my ideations. I'm sure some of you can relate to that "rage". Even with that rage, I was more sad than anything else. It took a while for it (the rage)to come out.So, I tried calling her mom (who loved me to death) and I left a polite and non-threatening plea to ask her daughter to wind all of this down - "maybe" if she could get the stuff and bring it over to my brother's house. then I could get the closure that every person I knew insisted was a priority. She still had/has this leverage and they knew how adversely it was affecting my emotional state.
Well, after that call to her mom, she called her daughter and what does she do? Called the police and I was arrested.
More humiliation when all I was trying to do is get the closure. Technically by talking to her mom, I was in violation of the RO. I was unaware that I was breaking the law. The "third party" clause is vague (according to my lawyer)so I innocently violated it. I go to court in December re: the RO - can't wait to see her and the OM. She even checked off on the RO that I have a history of violence. BS - the police NEVER came to the house and there was never a threatening situation to warrant them being there.
I apologize for the length of this - I'm so disheartened that a person whom you thought had integrity would ever bring it to this point. All that history and then cast aside with no remorse or explanation. I know that these people are broken- I'm just tired of these women who think nothing of walking away with no conscience. I see WS here who are genuinely sorry for the pain they caused. Why does it seem that I get the ones who could give a shit? I'm 54 years old- had a heart attack two years ago and I don't think I have any strength left in me. All of the horror stories I've read here- all of the pain caused by selfish children......it's not only disturbing, but disheartening to say the least. I have always worked so hard and I "know" that.Forgive me for thinking "for what?".
Thanks for listening to my rambling. My wounds are very, very deep.
In my case it was after 24 years of M. Nothing fair about this -- at -- all!
I strongly suggest you work with your lawyer and the court on how to retrieve your possessions. Maybe request a police escort??
Regardless, you will recover from all of this once you get through this. Notice I said through as you must go through it to get past it.
Bag all the suicidal and homicidal thoughts as there is no person on this planet worth doing any of that crap for. What at the time can seem like the end of your world/life is in reality just a low blip in the timeline of life.
You control only you... so do it! NC/180/abandon everything that has to do with your x's. Move on with your recovery and take care of yourself.
I hear you bro -- this crap sucks.
Hang in here and keep posting.
You are right, very unfair and very very painful. Please look into joining some kind of support group where you can identify/vent, get to know some people who are or have been where you are. The support I have been given from COSA and Al-anon (neither I nor my addict are alcoholics by the way) has been enormously helpful to my efforts to take back my life and set my goals. Obviously you mileage may vary and your needs may be different maybe ask your IC what kind of group might be helpful.
In any case I believe it is important to reach out from your despair and not to withdraw. Please search for and try something like that. This forum is great and a start but but I really recommend an in person group also.
Good luck to you man, you have been beat up enough. Time to take control of yourself and your life. Get some fun and enjoyment from it.
For one thing, I think I'm the poster boy for not getting involved until you're fully healed. In my defense, after 15 years of stereotypical M, with its bargaining-for-sex...and after 4 months of her living with her new boyfriend (I remained celibate), I found myself in a sexual disneyland... little did I know about female sex-addiction/nymphomania.
It happened over time, the slow eroding of boundaries, of self - really...and even now, I'm still discovering things about why I allowed myself to turn a blind eye to the screaming, circus-tented red flags...still, I chose.
I heard almost every one of those hateful abusive reasons and more. For one who I cried on, (in our courtship, I broke down once and sobbed like a baby - I remember it like it was yesterday) how could she then do this?
Partly, it has been the sense that I don't want to be a two-time loser, that has kept me from cutting, running. I'm getting older too (57), and she's 40, so it's also the fear factor...I AM in glacial-D proceedings...
It has been hard to accept that there is some other out there who fooled me by hiding her emptiness, her ability to lie, fuck another, and use me. And I was 'so deep', right?
For help with boundaries and abuse, I like
Refresher, I was divorced about 4 years ago. Found out about x's affair a year and a half prior and tried counseling. The deal I worked out with my ex was every other weekend friday through sunday evening and every wednesday overnight. Since I took the kids to school on Mondays anyway I was soon able to keep the kids on the Sunday nights of my weekend.
I should never have agreed to this. I started out by asking for 50/50 custody but I had been suffering from depression and anxiety for at least 2 years by that point. I was scared of trumped up accusations and just wanted to move on. This of course had me buying a house during the height of the housing bubble which I shouldn't have done. I tried to stay the best father I could be and even went over her (my old) house to help where I could just to be near the kids. I went to everything I could etc.
Of course, trying to pay a mortgage and support became brutal so I got into an ARM. During this time I also did some drowning of my sorrows and a lot of dating. Honestly, I did not want to be alone but every relationship I had lasted, maybe 2 months or so. I took a part time job a couple years back that limited how many extra-curricular activities I could attend. I just quit this.
Last year after a bad break up I decided I should've fought for equal time all along and sued for more custody. I've been engaged in that battle ever since. Unfortunately, part of that struggle was going before an evaluator. I did ok but the recommendation was the same custody I have now except Wednesdays turn into dinner visits and I get the kids 50/50 in the summer. We were going to keep fighting and then low and behold, this past March the love of my life finds me on Facebook and we've been together ever since. She accepted my proposal in August. Thing is, she lives 2 hours away from me and my kids. That said, both sets of our parents live in the same town halfway between us. My kids are used to driving. They love her and she loves them. Also, the military base I work at is closing soon while one near her is expanding. I've already gotten permission to start working there as this base closes up. So, moving there, as much as I don't want to, seems like the right thing to do.
The other day I went looking for a divorced fathers support forum, told my story and got torn apart, mostly for moving away. I think I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances and still that I've been a great father. I want to do everything I can to keep it this way.
Any advice or support is welcome. Thanks.
[This message edited by drowninginsorrow at 12:27 PM, October 29th (Thursday)]
As long as you stick to the every other weekend and 50% summer visits I do not see a problem.
Obviously, more is better but in reality most fathers only have the every other weekend gig. In my case, I now have my DD all of the time except for when xw has her every other weekend and half the summer. Her choice allowing DD to attend school in my town (where we have lives for over 20 years). Xw now lives 65 miles away because of her job.
The first step to being a good parent is being able to financially provide for your kids so make that a priority.
Make the time you do have with them, very memorable.
Congrats on the engagement.
I am still only a couple of weeks out from D-Day. I am willing to accept atm that my WW has told me the whole truth (after wavering for a few days). I will believe her on this until proven otherwise.
I have been a lot more moderate in my reaction than a lot of the advice that i recieved or that i see given too others...For the moment i just hope that im doing the right thing.
Id be interested in hearing from anyone else that was softer/more moderate directly after D-DAy and how it worked out for them.
Secondly, once I told her she could come back I thought she would see where she should be and return. All she saw was a doormat that she could walk on and come back any time she wanted.
All of the niceness I presented to her after my initial hotheaded action was brought about by me trying to do the love dare. She didn't appreciate it at all and it ended around day 33 or so when she decided to hurt me by making me think she wanted R.
She had taken my forgiveness and niceness to her and saw them as weakness on my part and used it against me.
I'm not nice to her anymore. It just didn't work out for me.
I wish you all the luck in the world that things work out for you however, I think my biggest problem was that all along my WW was a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Ive spent the last few hours reading through this thread....on each page i can see myself, my WW, our relationship repeated over and over again...
I too get the i neglected her needs, i didnt take her seriously.....ok if im honest sure i wasnt doing as much as when we were first married, buthey im not the only one that wast giving as much...she stopped partcipating in the recreational activities i enjoyed, and well...the sex dropped off ... we still had plenty...but her keen-ness waned from those early years.
I think the only point where i am significantly different to a lot of what ive read today is in my attitude to the physical side of her A's....for me thats of little importance, i did my fair share of srewing around in my youth...and she had not as many but enough partners before we meet. For me the act of sleeping with these other men is secondary...and i agree i think she traded the sex for the emotional or ego boost that she got from the exchange. For her it was almost certainly the emotional side of things that had the appeal...
What has got me worried now is that i do see so much of what you guys have been talking about.... the doubt gremlins are setting in...am i being too soft, to nieve...to willing to accept what she is telling me...
I am monitoring her PC use at home, and while there is nothing incriminating she is checking her email every few hours... i cant help wondering if she is waiting for an email from OM...(if it comes it will be in the junkmail folder...and thats what shes checking ...) and wants to get it and read and delete it before i possibly see it.
Im torn between my desire to believe what she says and trying to start resolving the issues in our relationship...and the thought that so far what shes said and done could as easily have been read from the common script that most of us seem to get.
I also read through the 20/20 hindsight Thread in the JFO forum...damn...
Its when im on my own, i start to doubt myself, doubt my decisions.
It didnt help that my wife asked me yesterday if she could accompany her girlfriend to a hockey match tommorow... My first reaction was to say...'Ok, but we talked about this and if you go out then its with me, we go as a couple' then i found out that her friend is not going to watch her current partners game (not M'd) ...but rather it is her boyfriends game...WTF!!!
Today i rang her at work to say that on second thoughts if she didnt want me to flip out on her friend that it was not a good idea for me to go....she said that she had already told her friend that we wouldnt be coming...
but really WTF...that and reading the entries here and in the 20/20 thread have really bummed me out today...
God i hope its just paranoia..
[This message edited by SourCherryDrops at 5:12 PM, October 29th (Thursday)]
a lying ,manipulating ww
You know. I dont think any one here has ANY experience with this.
For those who WW is still manipulating and lying and what ever. Do the 180. And do it hard.
The bigest mistake I made was working HARD (by me self) to save the M right after Dday. IMHO they broke it. They need to do most of the work to fix it. If they pull some shit do the 180.
Also dont fall for the pig crap that the M pre-A was the problem. AND caused the A. Sure there probably were problems. You know. What maried person can NOT point to some sin of their maried partner?
Having A because of pre-A M issues is like droping a nuke on a bad neighborhood. Causes allot more problems than it solves.
Sure. Fixing the pre-A issues needs to be done. But before you can get to that. You have to deal with all the fall out from the A FIRST.
As far as the truth goes. It has been 12 years since Dday for me. WW had a LTA. I will have to get back to you on when I ever get the truth. I doubt if any of us will ever really get ALL of it.
was softer/more moderate directly after D-DAy and how it worked out for them.
Is the om married? does she know? I made that mistake, and it cost me.