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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nostalgic memories are alway recalled in a fond light.

Do you guys dwell on nostalgic memories/thoughts? Do they even exist for you? Is this maybe a gender based notion?

I ask because I really do not wax nostalgic (become more nostalgic) as one so often hears said, at any point. I do have fond memories but I do not want the situations back. I have a strong desire to create new memories surrounding current, more favorable realities.

Just curious. Thoughts?


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont. But I know my WW does.

I think most women do. They are the ones to keep all the photo albums and momentos and stuff.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often think us guys are just fucked.

I look at my wifes LTA and it has hurt me in a way I do not think i will ever get over.

But at the same time she has done nothing to undue the message of the affair and has never changed at her core who she is. I am almost two years out and still deal with lies and BS.

I stay for my DD and I almost think if our spouse doesn't change we have to become an actor much like wincing has stated he does.

It is a very tenious existance. You get the kids and family but man oh man are you alone and no longer have a partner or a friend. You have a cooperative which is devoid of any deep connection.

I often believe us LTA BH's get a duel edged sword as well. Besides the absolute PTSD fucked up thoughts we had they reinforced their pre-existing disposition for mental issues and so so so few have the strength to confront themselves.

They are fucked up always will be and that is set in granite.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stay for my DD and I almost think if our spouse doesn't change we have to become an actor much like wincing has stated he does.

IMHO if you stay in your M for your kids only, you can rest assured another A of some sorts is bound to occur with your WW. When you stay for your M and invest (both of you) into a new relationship with a remorseful (and willing) fWW then the odds of another A are almost nil.

This is the reason I am not pro R... at least not in my situation. I had a unremorseful ww and thus I feel/felt that my kids are better off with happy divorced parents than with two miserable parents who are faking it. And nothing that has materialized during this whole process has changed my mind. On top of all of this, I have my youngest DD (13yo) living with me full-time. She is doing very well.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are just a ray of fucking sunshine today!!

I believe it's true, that women hang on to the past more then men. I also believe they are better at A's theen men. Then again, they hold the pussy card. Any woman, at any time, can find a man to fuck her. She can be, fat, stinky, and rude, and still find some drunk at a bar to fuck her. A man, well, that boys is why we truly are the weaker sex. We can go through a thousand rejections before we get one lay. We were definitely dealt the wrong hand.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya and it kind aplays into me.

Thinsg wi;ll never be right at all with my WW the way things are.

I just take solice in seeing my DD everyday.

Really is their a right choice? The minute it started the A everything was done.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cheating killed most good memories (of her) for me. I got rid of all most all photos of us during our M(17 years). I have a lot of blank space on my walls. I have a lot of blank space in the happy memory section of my brain.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are young & I want to make sure WW doesn't fuck them up too badly. So I am here.
not only do I know another A is likely, I totally expect it. once a cheater, ya know.


but the thing is now I just don't care. M to me means very little now. I was totally brainwashed into the "M as a team", or "us against the world". This happened after the kids were born, I honestly thought WW had my best interest always in mind. I honestly(& stupidly) thought WW had my back, not plunging a knife there.

boy was I stupid-I guess that is the kicker-I really knew better than to trust a woman, but I did.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64 we ALL are there. If trusting some one you love that has sworn before God and Family and all your friends to be faithful is foolish THEN we are all fools.

After Dday#1 I also stayed for my kids. I knew that if we D then WW would have all kinds of nasty boy friends hanging around and I just did not want my kids exposed to that. These boy friends could be dangerous or perverts or anything. And I choose to not put my kids in danger.

The way the laws are WW could have been whoring herself out for years and she still would have got custody of my kids. I would then have to give up more than half of what I worked so hard for (while she was screwing around) AND have to pay alimony and child support. So for us guys there are allot of reasons we are forced to stay in the M for.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

boy was I stupid-I guess that is the kicker-I really knew better than to trust a woman, but I did.

No -- I think you should revise that to "trust your wife". Not all women are the same.

The way the laws are WW could have been whoring herself out for years and she still would have got custody of my kids. I would then have to give up more than half of what I worked so hard for (while she was screwing around) AND have to pay alimony and child support. So for us guys there are allot of reasons we are forced to stay in the M for.

I hear your point but not always true - I have my DD. xw gave her up so she can chase her dreams -- currently a guy the same age as our oldest DD.

I have a lot of blank space in the happy memory section of my brain.

Not me! Fill it back up bro!


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T2G is right. We can be bummed out about this shit we've been handed, or, we can be happy about the shit only being on our shoes, and not on our heads.

I'll never trust like I did before. I think thats a good thing. My marriage will never be the same, well, thats good because she cheated before.

I can get up in the morning, and after that great first piss of the day, look in the mirror and smile. Thats all that matters!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

xw gave her up so she can chase her dreams --

you are lucky-WW has sworn to fight to the death over our kids-the same ones "we would not have if I hadn't stuck my dick in her" according to her. WTF?

I had a small chance if I had filed immediately after dday, I could have proven "habitual drunkeness" & gotten custody-now that she is sober I haven't a snowball's chance in hell for custody.

she did see a headshrinker yesterday, he said to up her AD's, like that will help-just means more $$ in his pocket from the drug manufacturers, but prolly no real help for her.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
remotelyou
♂ New Member
Member # 25787
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, October 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be in court one week from today, right now in fact, getting our divorce. It has been a long journey. Finding her in our house with another man. Piecing together the story of when it all started (four months). Determining my role in it, the role of depression (still not so sure about that), her role over the years. In the end, I was me, I did the things I always did. Wanting to do counseling, flowers for mothers day and then her birthday. Sending her an oil paint kit (always said she wanted to learn), donating money in her name. Saw her Monday and offered the olive branch, it had been 30 years afterall and she is furrious. From her side it was my fault -- I was mean and abusive for 30 years, his fault (OM) -- he was a preditor, his wife's fault -- she was a terrible wife. Every time I tried to move on and she found out she was furious. Whenever I said kind things she went right to my buttons and got me angry and got the response she needed to make herself feel like she was right.

I know now that she has been blaming me for her life for years. I know now that every time she felt depressed, she would go after me and get the anger from me that she needed to get her through another day.....and in the end I felt it was my fault, for years. There's knowing and there's the ability to deal with it all. All I see in her now is anger. If you saw us together, you would wonder who had the affair and who didn't. Driving into work today I know that I never would have left on my own. I would have continued to suck it up and try and love her and honor my commitment. I feel a little ashamed of that now. I picked a girl and I built a life for us, for our children and for our families; an incredibly successful life and now I feel like an abject failure; like I always have. She is the only person on Earth that can make me feel like this and none of this is new.



Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2009
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW has promised a bitter D if it comes to that. This makes me worry because her temper and angry tirrades are the stuff of legend. So the prospect of D looks like the same as Armageddon.

Remotelyou. My WW also blames me, the OM, her mother, her sisters and brothers, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny for her A. Every one and every thing is to blame EXCEPT her own self.

You know when they are at that level of denial and throw up this much anger to keep there denial justified. There is just no way to get thru to them.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, remote-everything is always my fault, 9/11, tornados, global warming, you name it.

a coupla months ago WW said she was "gonna throw shit away"(referring to the kids' toys if not picked up), my then 3 y/o said "don't throw my shit away", WW told me I need to watch my mouth around 3 y/o. WTF? I had said NOTHING!!!!!

also WW told me I needed a better job so she could quit hers. WTF? Just because she hates her job I need to hate mine too?

I just hope I make it another few years w/o killing her.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, October 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeh this blame thing gets very worn and tiring.

It is very rare that I get mad and raise my voice. WW is far better at the screaming and ranting with monkeys climbing out her ears than I am. So I have learned to play it calm and rational. This ticks her off all the more tho.

I did raise my voice to her a week ago or so. She was on one of her tirrades of oh poor me. Every one abuses me. Every one takes advantage of me. Its not my fault. Yes I was bad and you are just punishing me forever. What I did was you fault any way. And so on.

I said in a calm but forceful tone that I would GLADLY change places with her. That if she thinks her lot in this is tuff she should try it from this side. That she got to have a vacation with OM for YEARS while I worked my job. Kept the kids clean and fed and entertained and in school. And kept the house clean and maintained.

My work unknowing paid for there weekend get away vacations. For there motels. For everything. I worked and suffered with her angry outbursts while she enjoyed more sex. More attention. And care free vacations with her OM. And now she says she feels bad but has admitted in the past to many happy memories of her and OM together.

Yeh I would trade places with her in a fucking second. I would like to have some happy memories to.

So she had a great time. And now that there are some consequences to what she did I get the blame. I really hate this shit.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, October 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome remotelyou -- sorry you have had to join us.


From her side it was my fault -- I was mean and abusive for 30 years

No, none of her affair choices are your fault. She owns it 100%. You are responsible for you effort (100%) in the marriage, but she owns all of the A.

an incredibly successful life and now I feel like an abject failure;

It is quite interesting that in the end, material things mean nothing.

To quote Sheryl Crow's song:

It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

I am glad you found us.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, October 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's an interesting tidbit about my process: I've realized that I really don't give a fuck about the slippery slope with regards to how my wife talked about me (or might still talk about me) to other men.

This was a big deal in the immediate aftermath of D-day because the whole infidelity thing just felt so personally disrespectful to me. It was sort of a "How dare you tell lies about me as a way of working your way up to dropping your pants! For fuck's sake, if you want to slut around, just admit it to yourself and slut around instead of hanging it around my neck."

I've known for awhile that I'm much more likely to get pissed off about gratuitous serious sexual talk than merely standard EA "talking about marital problems to members of the opposite sex" bullshit. In many ways, the typical EA elements of my wife's infidelities only bother me in the context that they led to a PA/LTA. If they'd never gone physical, I probably would have never lost a minute's sleep over it.

I find this to be an interesting development, likely encoded into my thought process from all the gratuitous sharing I did about my abortion of a marriage after D-day. Is this a guy thing, do you think?

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 4:38 PM, October 11th (Sunday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this a guy thing, do you think?

It probably is. We have all heard how EA harder for BW and PA harder for BH over and over here at SI. All seem to agree.

Like you WW EA bothers me less than the PA.

I think it comes down to capitalism. Men and women barter for what they want from each other. We trade some thing we value less for some thing we value more. Women trade P for E because the P is valued less in they mind than the E. Men trade E for P because P is valued more than the E.

So when women have a PA it hurts us more because we value that more. In our mind PA is the ultimate form of intimacy. That is why it hurts so much when they give it away to some other guy.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
kingfisher
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Member # 21861
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Women trade P for E because the P is valued less in they mind than the E. Men trade E for P because P is valued more than the E.

This is my FWWs A in a nutshell. She said after the first time, the sex was not good at all. I found this difficult to believe as it carried on for six months! Her reply was that if she didn't let him him have sex, he would sulk. She enjoyed the talking and the 'dates' but in the end was trying to avoid being alone with him, as he would always want sex.



Me BS 50
Her FWS 49 - Joystring
M 26 years
2 grown-up children - one hers, one ours
D Day 20/04/2007

Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: London, England
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