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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, WH5, here's your chance to jump in.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can honestly say that I no longer feel like a chump. My wife was a very broken person, but she's faced her demons head on, and done the necessary work on herself the past two years.

When we were both hurting badly, our MC said to me one time that she would take my pain over BR's pain. This actually makes sense if you follow the logic. She has to live with the fact that she did this. I wouldn't want that on my head.

I am proud of my wife, and the hard work she's done. I'm not exactly happy with what it took to get her there, but when push came to shove, she has shown how to heal from this.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm proud of BR too. That said, my wife seems to be sliding back to the pre-A and A her. It is getting really close to the breaking point for me, and she just isn't hearing it.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
somanytears
♀ Member
Member # 18198
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly,my BIL may be here amongst you. My sister just revealed she is an AP. My BIL is a good man and he is devastated.

I know he has been online doing alot of reading and I pray he has found his way here,please keep an eye out for him,guys. He needs y'all.


"Surviving is important,thriving is elegant"
Maya Angelou


Me--BS (54)
Him--WS (58)
Two young adult kids 27 and 22
DDay 02/10/08
Current status:31 years...sigh.


Posts: 912 | Registered: Feb 2008
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs y'all.

Drop a hint to him. He'll be warmly welcomed!


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
somanytears
♀ Member
Member # 18198
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kuwaited,hope I get the opportunity to do so. I know that you all will embrace him.


Its my sister....WTF. I just cant wrap my head around it,she
saw what FWH and I went through..sigh.


"Surviving is important,thriving is elegant"
Maya Angelou


Me--BS (54)
Him--WS (58)
Two young adult kids 27 and 22
DDay 02/10/08
Current status:31 years...sigh.


Posts: 912 | Registered: Feb 2008
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, hell, I'd rather have my pain than my wife's, too. In almost every possible way, I've healed more, better and faster than she has *because* all I had to do was get over the hurt done to me by a complete idiot.

I never had to face the prospect of *being* the complete idiot.

But like Jimi and, I truly believe, a great many -- even most -- BH's, I've never seen anywhere near the sort of effort, insight, work, etc., out of my wife that ladies like BR and Fallen, Maia and DS have put in.

I can probably count on one hand and a couple of extra fingers the number of WW's I've seen even around here who I felt at the end of the day had really done significant work to become someone better/different/non-fucked up.

How many times have we seen newly-NC'd WW's desperate to keep their husbands declaring "I've changed! It's been three weeks since D-day! Why can't he see how much I've changed and how much I'm not that person who snuck around and lied and cheated for all those years?!"

And then 3 months later, they're "mutually" divorcing because their BH wouldn't ever go all in and "it takes two to R".

Lies, bullshit and dumbasses, I say.

Most people have just enough self-awareness to realize they made a mistake and to spin a new set of lies to help themselves sleep at night. I'm grateful that my wife has taken steps to deal with her bipolar disorder (which was a significant contributor to her affairs) because it means I'm not getting screamed at every day of my life.

But my wife's solution to the affair stuff itself has been 1) don't talk about it and 2) if you can't avoid talking about it, be defensive and blameshift while still acknowledging that it was completely wrong. Add in that my wife is now even *more* jealous/paranoid about me than she was before the affairs (and she was fucking psychotic about it before), and it's clear that she's made no progress at all.

My wife actually bombed her nursing boards last month. Know why? Because she decided that if she actually got licensed and could get work that I'd probably leave her because she'd be able to take care of herself.

That's right back into affair-think.

So, yeah, most WW's aren't like BR. Most are just trying to get some sort of guarantee that the BH is going to hang around (since so many of them have massive abandonment issues), and as soon as they're satisfied, they stop working, stop progressing and go back to making it all their husband's fault (i.e., "well, he just can't get past this and won't fully commit to R...that's what our problem is").

They don't learn to self-soothe or meet their own needs and just transfer the who need-meeting dynamic back to the BH...except now they're often too afraid to bring things up because they've been a lousy cheater/don't deserve to have the needs met, so we get penalized for not meeting needs *and* not mind reading (which most of us experienced prior to the A anyway)...but we also are labeled as cruel and insensitive because we ought to know how hurt/broken/miserable they are now that the whole world knows they're a tramp.

That seems like the more "normal" dynamic to me.

The BH's heal eventually because there wasn't anything wrong with us in the first place. The WW's don't, and they either become increasingly diminished and miserable in the marriage and resolve to just life empty, hopeless, unfulfilled lives.

Or they decide the problem really was the BH all along and he couldn't/wouldn't ever meet their needs (i.e., the one's they wouldn't ever dream of trying to meet themselves...that's what other people are for!) and decide they need to be divorced.

Then they get to tell the new chump about what an awful, emotionally abusive guy you were...a guy who drove them to cheating because we wouldn't love and support them enough...a guy who shattered their self-esteem by not ever giving them the love and attention they needed ("I just wanted to be loved!!!"). And before you know it, you're all that was ever wrong with her and she wasn't ever broken and she's off sucking some other guy dry with her bottomless hole of need for validation.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right wal. And the maddening thing is, it would take such a small effort in the grand scheme of things to actually do the work


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just love the way old Winc writes, don't you?

You are right on the money, bro.

I'm se3nding the link to this thread to CM, maybe she'll get it, maybe she won't. The point that is.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just glad you caught me on a good day, otherwise I might have told you what I *really* think about cheating wives.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL!! I just spit Pepsi all over my desk!!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

somanytears ...

This thread is for Betrayed Men, please do not post on it.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192011 | Registered: May 2002
wishingitwasnt
♂ Member
Member # 20380
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or they decide the problem really was the BH all along and he couldn't/wouldn't ever meet their needs (i.e., the one's they wouldn't ever dream of trying to meet themselves...that's what other people are for!) and decide they need to be divorced.

Then they get to tell the new chump about what an awful, emotionally abusive guy you were...a guy who drove them to cheating because we wouldn't love and support them enough...a guy who shattered their self-esteem by not ever giving them the love and attention they needed ("I just wanted to be loved!!!"). And before you know it, you're all that was ever wrong with her and she wasn't ever broken and she's off sucking some other guy dry with her bottomless hole of need for validation.

WAL, you have my house bugged?


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: IA
vanman4311
♂ Member
Member # 24881
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL,

I appreciate your thoughts, especially when they describe the situation perfectly.

God Damn Perfectly.


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2009
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome Post WAL!


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL...

you must know my WW.

or could all these women have been cloned somehow?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great Post WAL. Hits the nail right on the head.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 23rd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she decided that if she actually got licensed and could get work that I'd probably leave her because she'd be able to take care of herself.

Wincing, a few months ago(?), you mentioned your son speculating on this very thing.

As you look back on it, do you think your son was warning you? or maybe more simply, your W expressed this to him...

hmmm.
IIRC,
You described this as Affair mind-set? Affair-thinking? But it seems like she's handing you the chain, and presumptuously expecting you to shoulder it, while openly flaunting her status as "the ball"...

Hope you're ok man, I have no idea how you do it (and not from your inability to explain! ) -
but how much can you lower the expectations and not eventually...I don't know, lose some part of you?

Because our WWs have similar disordered/psych issues,

I can't help but think of you having to continually "bargain down" with your expectations...
since it seems these types (forgive me if I'm painting with too broad a brush)
seem to seek? find? some new way to abuse your trust, take advantage of your basic goodness, and God help us!...
wear us down to a virtual nub of a person.

None of this may be a dynamic for you, I don't know...and sorry if I've presumed too much -

for me, I've just begun to gather up my nub-ness, yay me!, and turn a corner. It's taken 2 years, but I could no longer tolerate the abuse, and the eventual erosion of my self.

I hope you're ok. All the guys! Thanks for SI!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 23rd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, just wow... This Video was so fitting, just exactly. Made me cry...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGmrL2h8lrE


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
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