Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, January 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

findingmyplace -

For those WS's who are still married, were you "done" with your marriage when the A started or after it got going?

No, I wasn't done with our M. I was done with the old me, though I didn't understand it at that time. The A was an implosion of who I had allowed myself to become, not a reflection of how I felt about my BW or our M.

I needed things to change, but not by losing the M. I needed to be driven to change myself to make my own life better.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
shatteredwindow
♂ Member
Member # 27051
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, January 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxterBFF,
Thanks for posting! That does help to put the reasons in perspective. I guess what you are saying is that the pull is so great that you just say anything you have to keep the fantasy going. Correct?

I still don't understand, I probably never will, but I guess that's why I'm on the BH side of this. Once again thanks for helping out.

SW

[This message edited by shatteredwindow at 1:33 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2010
flower2010
♀ Member
Member # 26889
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you to everyone for responding to my post. I really appreciate your words and candor.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2009
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, January 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SW,

Yes, for me, maintaining that high made it very easy to say and do things that I wouldn't normally say or do. It was so weird to know what I was doing, recognize at some level that it went against everything I held dear, yet keep doing it, wanting it to to the point of wanting to leave my wife and kids for it. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't recognize it as a "bad" thing and I couldn't stop myself. Ugh, dark times...

I really hope that you never really understand it from first-hand experience.

Good luck with your WW. I hope things work out however is best for both of you.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, January 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal,

If your WH was at such a low point (might be the case based on reading some of your previous posts), then having a OW actively pursue would have been hard to resist. Yes, he should have turned to you, but he chose otherwise (OW), no pun intended.

At the time of the A, it may have been exactly what he needed, it became his truth, his reality, and it felt right. To recognize the OW for what she was (a serial cheater) would be to say everything he felt was a lie.

I don't know if this pertains to your situation, but this is what happened with me.

He may not be willing to totally accept that those 4 years of PA was a lie. He must know it, but he can't accept it yet.

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 8:54 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter....
I didn't mean to scare anyone off with my question...
I'm actually back on my emotional roller coaster today and feeling better about stuff...again...
I'm guessing that most WS would say that 3 yrs is a long time to keep thinking and talking about this mess...
my husband always says he feels attacked (no matter what tone of voice I use..)
and..I'm guessing that for him to really take a good, long , hard look at who the MOW was.... and to criticize her would be criticizing himself in a way?
The difference in my mind is that as horrible as his LTA was... it was the first time that he had ever been unfaithful.
The MOW had done this before..many times...her husband had gone through the trauma of d-day before... and here she was doing this again and again...without remorse....
IMHO... she has major issues...
I know that my husband sees this now...and I know it may sound childish... but. I need the reassurance of hearing out loud that he now understands who she is, what she is about etc. and... that he appreciates me....
I guess there still is a question in here somewhere


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal -

I'm guessing that for him to really take a good, long , hard look at who the MOW was.... and to criticize her would be criticizing himself in a way?

I don't know about this. I am totally separate from the xOM. We are NOT one unit. Criticizing me (coming from anyone, including me) does NOT imply criticizing him, and vice versa. I would never lump the xOM and me together in any kind of analysis - other than that the fact that we were both in the same affair.

I need the reassurance of hearing out loud that he now understands who she is, what she is about etc. and... that he appreciates me....

Would it be enough if he appreciates you?

The goal regarding the xAP is indifference. If he had strong feelings about her, she would still be taking up space in his mind that she should not be.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Helpless  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really hoping a WS will read this and have some sort of an answer for me.
I really need an enlightenment of sorts.
3 weeks ago today I heard the ole "I'm not leaving you for someone else, I'm leaving for myself". He finally fessed up to the A- been going on at least 5 months. He has yet to move out. Think he changed his mind when he realized all he would be losing. He still however is showing more respect to the OW than his own family. There are moments when I think Woo-hoo the fog has lifted. Then he's back to his old A foggy self. He broke N/C last week-end and I think he WANTED me to catch it. I just 180ed him over it all. My question is- was there a moment when you stopped and said "why" am I doing this to my family and am I prepared to lose everything over this fantasyland life?! I mean did you wake up one day and the light bulb went off or was it gradual?
Also if your BS was 180ing you did it help to get you out of your fog or push you closer to your OP??
We (finally) have a MC appt. this week-end and if my WH's still deep in the fog I know it won't hold much weight.


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
shatteredwindow
♂ Member
Member # 27051
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter,
Thanks again! I hope you find happiness.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2010
grace09
♀ Member
Member # 26808
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed - For me, it was gradual. Even once I realized I didn't have any feelings for OM, there was still this addiction to the A itself. Slowly, I realized how much I hated myself and didn't want to lose my family. Finally, I ended the A and it was only a few weeks later that Dday occured. There was still some contact going on at that point and by then going 100% NC was the easiest thing in the world. I've been total NC since Dday and have never looked back.

I haven't been on SI very long and I don't understand what 180 is.

I think MC may help him, even if he's still in the fog. MC should help start clearing that fog. I know our MC has said things to us that we had already been telling each other, but hearing it from someone else gives it more validation. Is you BH using this site for support?


Me - FWW
Dday 7/09
MC began the week of D-Day, but not yet forgiven

Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2009
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crushed again -

was there a moment when you stopped and said "why" am I doing this to my family and am I prepared to lose everything over this fantasyland life?! I mean did you wake up one day and the light bulb went off or was it gradual?

It's hard to describe for someone who has not felt the "addiction" that can happen in an A. While in the midst of it, I wasn't thinking about anything other than getting the "fix" I needed from xMOW. No conscious thought at all about anything that was being impacted. My BW. My family. My friendships. Even my job. Yet I was so tunnel visioned on xMOW that everything else was set aside.

I had more than one moment where my "eyes were opened", but each involved the same thing - seeing the consequences of my actions directly. On D-Day, I saw and heard the pain and hurt in my BW. Down the road I had some legitimate cell calls but with elements that made her concerned I had broken NC, and I saw it again. The latter example was the final impact that fully shook me to the core. But that was 5 months after D-day, so a lot of work have been done in IC by that point.

Also if your BS was 180ing you did it help to get you out of your fog or push you closer to your OP??

While my BW never officially 180'd me, I think it would be better to look at things a different way. It isn't about forcing a WS out of their fog, nor is it about pushing them toward the OP. The 180 delivers clear and immediate consequences for the hurtful actions of a WS. Those consequences ensure that a WS cannot continue to comfortably sit on the fence. They need to make the core decision they should have made before the A which is to stay in the M or end it.

If a 180 pushes the WS to the OP, it's likely they were never going to cleanly R with you in the first place. If the R makes it very clear what they are losing and they try to fight back to keep the M alive, then it's possible they have the strength and commitment to rebuild the M.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To grace09 and Listeningclosely:
Thank-you so much for your candid answers. And yes no matter how much I 180 if WH is NOT committed to saving the M nothing I can do will change that.
Feeling a little down today after a talk with a very smart IC. She explained that "yes, I need to face the fact that my WH did make those decisions and no matter how much I blame 'the fog' it was his choice to betray me.
Guess I'm coming out of my own BS fog and finally seeing the magnitude of it all.


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those WS's who are still married, were you "done" with your marriage when the A started or after it got going?
No, I wasn't done with our M. I was done with the old me, though I didn't understand it at that time. The A was an implosion of who I had allowed myself to become, not a reflection of how I felt about my BW or our M.

I needed things to change, but not by losing the M. I needed to be driven to change myself to make my own life better.

Best description I ever saw, this was exactly where I was at when my A happened. It really was all about me.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
floridagirl
♀ Member
Member # 24640
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know if i should ask FWH this. Things seem to be going good but i found out OW was in town a couple of times since NC and once very recent and i want to ask if NC was broke. What I worry about is if I ask and if he hasnt thought of OW will that make him wonder about her again, get interested in what OW is doing again or anything negative to our R? so i would like your thoughts of wether i should or shouldnt ask.


BW (me)41
FWH (him)almost 44
Met on Fri married Thur
Married july 2010 for 21 years
4 great boys 23 20 18 15
I THINK WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINDS AND THE STORMS OF CHANGE kid rock


Posts: 237 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Guess
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

floridagirl -

Has there been anything that would tip you off that NC might have been broken? If so, then by all means ask.

If not, it still can be a viable question though you may want to phrase it differently.

The reality is that healing for a FWS doesn't mean the OP is forgotten. Mine lived in Atlanta, GA. I find times when I have to be there for business (one is coming up in the next few weeks). And yes, she is going to come to mind when that happens.

The difference is that because I have done so much work on strengthening myself, there is no temptation to break NC for any reason including the fact I will be in that city. The root cause of my addiction to her, my own failings with external validation and conflict avoidance, have been addressed.

So I have no problem with my BW asking me before, during or after the trip about NC or any other issue concerning xMOW. Because I have nothing to hide from my BW and I have the strength to conduct myself properly.

So I guess in your situation I would let him know that you know OW was recently in the area and that naturally that would make you nervous about whether or not your WH broke NC. Then ask him if he would give you the reassurance you need from confirming he has remained NC, to letting you know where he has been during the time she was in town, to revisiting how he has done work to affair proof himself for the future. That approach would be more than reasonable to me.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, January 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

floridagirl,

I think you have every right to ask. Don't be too worried about it pushing WH to OW, because as Listeninclosely has already described, just because a FWS is working on things doesn't mean that the OP is forgotten.

In my case, I still worry about breaking NC myself. When things start building up a bit, I turn to my BW whether it be face to face, phone, email, text, IM, whatever. I let my BW know when the thinking about OW is too much. In sharing this with BW, it lessens the urge to keep thinking about OW.

This can work the other way too. If you share with your WH your concerns, it may let him know that this is all still very real for you. Don't suffer with these things alone. Turning to him in honesty will hopefully make him want to turn to you.

I dont know if i should ask FWH this. Things seem to be going good but i found out OW was in town a couple of times since NC and once very recent and i want to ask if NC was broke. What I worry about is if I ask and if he hasnt thought of OW will that make him wonder about her again, get interested in what OW is doing again or anything negative to our R? so i would like your thoughts of wether i should or shouldnt ask.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
floridagirl
♀ Member
Member # 24640
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks guys for your input i think i will ask and just be careful not to sound accusing. I have these worries alot and maybe thay will go away in time.


BW (me)41
FWH (him)almost 44
Met on Fri married Thur
Married july 2010 for 21 years
4 great boys 23 20 18 15
I THINK WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINDS AND THE STORMS OF CHANGE kid rock


Posts: 237 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Guess
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

floridagirl -

What I worry about is if I ask and if he hasnt thought of OW will that make him wonder about her again, get interested in what OW is doing again or anything negative to our R?

Go ahead and ask. If that's all it took for him to go back to her, then he wasn't really in R anyway.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Grinder
♀ Member
Member # 21322
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did having NC with your BS help any WS end affair? (ie., Plan B, LRT, or "going dark")


"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost" Dante

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Valley of the Sun
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grinder -

Did having NC with your BS help any WS end affair? (ie., Plan B, LRT, or "going dark")

Actually for us, it was the opposite. I had asked my BW about a trial separation right after D-Day and she refused. She told me directly that I was either "all in" for the work of repairing our family or the M was over. That consequence alone was enough to focus me on healing our M. I also believe that it's critical that both people are fighting together for the same cause. United we stand, divided we fall.

I know there are some others who have a different experience, but that's how it worked for us.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.