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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

renee21 ~
I wanted to speak to this:
It's just near impossible how someone can love you so much and do these things

As a FWW, I can tell you that it is ENTIRELY possible to love your spouse and still do what we've done. In fact, in my case, as is with alot of the other WS's on here, I never stopped loving my BH. EVER. I just tucked it away when I was acting out so I wouldn't have to feel any guilt in that particular moment. Of course, the waves of guilt would come crashing later, after I would allow my conscience to take the floor, but in an effort to silence it, I simply compartmentalized it and continued with my destructive behavior. But, that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving BH. Your WH's actions does not mean he doesn't love you. It means he doesn't love and respect himself....especially if he really is an SA....


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any WS here who had a LTA?

I still struggle with how my H could say the OW meant nothing to him.....for 5 yrs!

3 yrs since d-day, he has been the ideal H since then but... I am still hung up on this.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Relief
♂ Member
Member # 21989
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS.
If some of the WS don't mind. I have been having A VERY HARD TIME for the last 16 months since d-day. Life has been terrible and I am very uneasy with many of the things that I have said and done to my WS (lolauren). We have been at the end of our ropes for some time but have tied a knot and are still holding on, still together.
A thought that seems to be a reoccuring thought for me is WHAT TYPE OF PERSON would have an A with a married woman!!!??? A woman with 2 small kids!!! A husband at work!
Yes I know that she made the choice to involve herself in the A as well. She has suffered much for that in the aftermath of d-day. We both have. But what is in the mind of the OP that made him think it was OK for him to do this? How could he do this to another man? To children? What the F..K did he think was going to come of this? He had cheated on his wife in the past.
I just do not understand the OP's. A predator?
Just as I do not understand,still, my WW.

Is it just silly me??


Posts: 122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Chicago
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Relief -

Are you just venting?

If not, what is your real question?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Relief
♂ Member
Member # 21989
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected...thanks. I did not think it was a vent but reading it this morn it is a rather long question. I'll put it this way...What makes it ok in the mind of the OP to become involved with anothers spouse? Is there no shame? Fear? Guilt thinking of the family involved?
That is, in summary, what I was asking. Thanks in advance for past and future help...........

Posts: 122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Chicago
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Relief -

For any of us who had an A with a married person, we were both a WS and an OP. That's the perspective I'm answering your question from.

You'll see many references to the A being like any other type of addiction (alcohol, drugs, etc.). That's very much how it felt to me. An addict knows there is something inherently wrong with what they are doing and they know it causes destruction. Yet the power of the "unmet need" they have is so great that they ignore the facts of what they are doing.

So in essence, I can't say I thought much about xMOW's BH. I was so zoned into my selfish actions that I tuned out the peripheral impact.

This gets further pushed with the WS talks about all the "problems" in their M. In my case, xMOW painted a very ugly picture of her BH. All the things he did wrong. And as one who has run around with KISA syndrome for years, I fell right into the trap. I would talk about how much more she deserved in life and how I couldn't believe her BH didn't see what he had.

Was her BH as bad as she portrayed him? I doubt it. Painting the BS in a bad light is a protection method for the WS to justify their actions in their own mind. So what should amount to small things get blown up into huge issues.

Not sure that fully answers your question, but that's how the experience felt on my end.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has always been loathe to discuss his feelings. Actually, it's only since DDay that he has said things to me that I know he wouldn't have ever said to me (or anyone else) before. I am struggling with our R. If it wasn't for the doubts put in place by his A I would be otherwise happy with our relationship as we have both made changes since DDay. I am in IC (I can't say that I'm a fan), we are no longer in mc & he's not going to ic. (If I made it mandatory I'm pretty sure he would go. But, so far I haven't experienced the benefit of my ic or the mc we did attend, so it's hard for me to advocate for it). I know everyone will suggest the counseling -I just ask that aside from the counseling - what should the ws be doing to change? Long story short, we have a huge history together & have been together most of our lives. Our relationship was definitely damaged by the time the A occured & worsened over the next year as we both felt that neither cared about the other. My husband's take on the A is that he was getting attention from someone when he wasn't getting any attention at home. He thinks that it will not happen again because our relationship is better now. I do believe he is sorry, does seem to be feeling guilt still. He acknowledges that he has done a lot of stupid things & in the same breath tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore & maybe I would be better off without him. So, I guess I'm seeing the changes he has made in our relationship, in our daily interactions I see more interest, attention, kindness etc. & he's transparent. I guess I'm still reeling from my discovery 2 weeks ago that he lied to me about his whereabouts & I have to say I knew by the am he was up to "no good" and I gave him plenty of rope to hang himself throughout the day & I'm just shocked that he could look me in the face & lie to me about where he was going - even denied it over & over when I confronted him with some of the proof. (In fact, he suggested that he stay at a friend's house when I accused him of lying. He had some nonsensical explanation for this (in my turmoil I actually forgot what it was) but I believe he later admitted that it was so that I would miss him & forgive the incident. Finally, when I brought out the irrefutable proof he admitted, said he was sorry, that he's stupid. THat it had nothing to do with the ow, but apparently even before the A he had been lying to me about going out (telling me instead he was working a night shift. WHen I explained to him exactly why this had everything to do with the A & that it was a huge problem - he said he really hadn't thought of it that way, that he knew, of course lying was wrong, but he had been doing it for so long (and I have to say so many of his coworkers lie to their wives about the same stuff).
(Sigh)
Sorry bout the long post. I realize you will all say ic/mc- but I guess I need to try something else first.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:21 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Relief -

What makes it ok in the mind of the OP to become involved with anothers spouse?

I know you know the answer already to this. You just don't believe it. There are some people (including me when I was single) who did not think about the married person's family. They just don't.

Have you ever gotten mad at the customer service rep who wasn't able to help you? While you were really mad at her, did you stop to think that she might have been a single mother of three who had to drop off and pick up all the kids and make dinner and do laundry? No, you needed to get your DVD player fixed and you didn't care about that person's life.

I know this is a trivialization of an affair, but when someone is fulfilling one's own needs, the other person's life doesn't factor in.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone -

what should the ws be doing to change?

It's all about communication. He needs to talk to you. He needs to tell you how he is feeling.

Do you ask him open-ended questions and make you a safe place for him to answer? I'm not saying anything is your fault, but communication is give and take, and making you a safe place for him to emote will help him learn to do so even more.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected - omg its so hard to get him to talk. I believe I've made it a safe place for him to talk - I totally understand what you're talking about. I even tell him its ok to tell me things that he perceives as bad, etc. because then I know he's being honest with me. I ask him open ended questions & I seriously get like a 1 sentence response & I wind up having to keep asking follow up questions because he doesn't volunteer. I swear the more I visit this site & see my own pathetic entries I just want to throw my hands up - obviously he's not changed & I can't be without him. Ugh - gonna take a shower now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Relief
♂ Member
Member # 21989
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected...thankyou. But...you say I don't believe what I know the answer to be. Do I know the answer?

That he, OP, is a predator? A serial cheater on his own wife? He knew who my WS was married to. How about plain old FEAR of her husband finding out? And the possible revenge might put his actions in check? I would live in fear of the BS if it was me!!!!! Involved with another man's wife?

Turns out that there really cannot be any fulfilling "revenge, payback" on my part towards him. What do I do?, beat him up say "HOW YA LIKE THAT ASSHOLE" and risk the law? My city job?
His wife is dead. He has no ties that bind. The Mother F..er only lives 20 minutes away.

I'm told I can't unring the bell. So paifully true!

I feel so helpless to burn him, shit I want to kill him, and combined with the anger at my WS I am helpless but to live with the facts. That is what angers me. THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO. NOTHING! Yet I live to type this.
I read a post today about the hit to a person's self esteem. O my God. It is so acute and painful. Beyond comprehension. Though after 16 months I am living and learning to comprehend. Perhaps (after posting this reply) I do know the answer to my own question. I still don't want the facts to be as they are. Sad. True. so hard to live with. Thanks...

I'm working on it.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Chicago
BetrayedSAHM
♀ Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions for WSs who had longer affairs...

We are just 3 weeks post d-day. I discovered the A and confronted WH. The affair lasted almost 2 years and he tried to end it several times but he couldn't stay away. He was hoping that he would ultimately be able to end it and then return emotionally to our marriage without me ever knowing.

So far, we are trying R. I believe him when he says that he loves me. And I believe that he wants our marriage to work.

But he says he's feeling "numb" now. And I suspect that he is still fighting the urge to contact her.

Does any of this make sense? If he is still in the "fog", how long til he comes out of it?

I think we are both in denial about what he's done, but I don't know how to bring us out of denial. I'm afraid that the realization of what he's done is going to crush him, when he finally confronts it.

Tonight we are going to discuss more of the details of the affair.

Can any FWH relate to this?


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Relief -

I feel so helpless to burn him, shit I want to kill him, and combined with the anger at my WS I am helpless but to live with the facts. That is what angers me. THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO. NOTHING! Yet I live to type this.

I am so, so sorry. I hear your pain. I really do. I also know how I felt when the xOM attended an event that my husband was at. I was not there, thank goodness, and I feel like the bottom of a tar pit that I created this situation.

I know you have no practical recourse. There is no justice. It does not help to hear that "the WS was broken". It is absolutely unfair to the BS.

I am sorry that I have no answers. All I can say is that I hear you. I hear your pain.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Breathe75
♀ Member
Member # 25766
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the WS's--mainly the WH's-were you ever impotent or have intimacy issues with your BS after the A's, mostly especially after the A's were discovered?

My H swears up and down he didn't want the OW, didn't like 'em, etc. But in the two years since the A's--but most especially in the 9 months since d-day--he's had problems with everything from impotence to premature ejaculation. Things were fine between us (sexually) before the shit hit the fan so to speak and now we both end up crying if we even bother to try.

What is going on? Why is this happening?


Me/BS--35
Him/WS-51
2 great kids(13 and 10)
DDay--April 2, 2009 (2 PA's confirmed just 4 days before our 10th wedding anniversary.)
DDay #2 12/19/10 (Discovered he's on a single's website? Lists himself as "legally separated?)

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Somwhere in Hell
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed - why don't you try the long term affair thread in the "I can RElate" forum.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
flower2010
♀ Member
Member # 26889
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize if this question has already been asked. It's been over a month now since DDay of EA and I am still getting trickle truth from WS. He is never forthcoming - it's me asking questions and then later saying, 'ok - i know there's more.' It's very frustrating. My one question is - are there some things about the A that you will take to your grave? I have one specific concern and I keep asking WS about it, but he swears he is telling the truth. However I have learned to listen to my gut. I know there's more and he's probably afraid it will really hurt me but I just want the truth. AHHH

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2009
findingmyplace
♀ Member
Member # 24512
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in General and should have posted this here. Silly me!

How do the WS's find their way out of the fog? Granted, I know it is an individual process, but was there something read or said that really struck a chord with the WS?
I have a good friend who is in the fog right now. While I know I can't change her mind, I would like to give her some resources.

Thanks in advance for any help/ideas/etc.


Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2009
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this question has ever been asked, so I apologize in advance, if I missed it.

I have come to realize that as much a I don't know why my husband had an affair, I don't know why he would think there is any chance of our having a relationship after he betrayed me.

Perhaps you could give me some perspective of how a WS would think they could have a good marriage after infidelity.


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
shatteredwindow
♂ Member
Member # 27051
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had an EA online affair with and old boyfriend (I've posted this elsewhere before) that lasted between 2 to 3 months. We have had good conversations and have explored the "What" and have for the most part moved onto the “Why”.

Last night however we had a conversation about the last “cyber sex” (although she tells me that she never masturbated during or after these chats) conversation that she and the OM had two days before DDay on 12/1/09. Previously she had shared that they had talked about sexual positions during this conversation (she offered up sexual positions when he asked her to) and that he had told her what he would do to her during sex, but that she didn’t say what she would do to him because she felt uncomfortable about the conversation topics. She told me that he would tell her to “get with it” when she would not respond quickly enough. She did however, tell him during this last conversation that she had a gag reflex when oral sex was discussed. I asked her weeks ago if she had ever gotten wet during these types of conversations and she said yes, a couple of times. Last night as we were discussing their last sexual conversation I asked her if she had gotten wet during this chat and she said yes. I then asked her if she told him that she was wet during this conversation and she said yes, she had right before they signed off for the night. She had previously written a four page timeline, with details about conversations, which did not contain this, what I consider, vital piece of information about that chat.

Here are my questions WSs…Would someone, who supposedly felt extremely uncomfortable during this conversation say those types of things (especially the “wet” and “gag reflex” comments) to someone they say was berated them for not fully participating? What was the motivation to offer more information that absolutely necessary? How I am supposed to believe that she was struggling to participate in this conversation with comments like this? She also said she thought she was coming out of the fog a little at that point and that’s why she hesitated and felt uncomfortable during this last chat. How can that be?
Thanks for your help.

[This message edited by shatteredwindow at 10:19 AM, January 25th (Monday)]


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2010
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do WS protect the OW??? I'm angry that my H has never said anything bad about the OW. When I told him this, he implied that he pursued her. It's all his fault. However, she accepted, knowing he was married.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
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