Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, January 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Breathe75
How can you be with someone you don't "like" or even "want" to be with?

I can relate to your husband. Let me try my hand at an analogy. Some people eat food if they just see it laying around in their kitchen. They don't even have to be hungry. What's more, it may not be particularly appetizing food, but it's there, and so down the hatch it goes.

I once treated relationships that way.

Of the five ONS that I was part of, two were with women that I neither liked nor wanted to be with. One woman was much older than me, couldn't hold a fixed relationship, and needy. The other was younger, socially inept, self-absorbed, and if people in my social circle knew what I did, I would have died of embarrassment. Both were smokers, a habit I find repulsive (no offense to any smokers reading), and both I found physically unappealing.

The older woman pursued me agressively, offering to perform sexual acts that my wife had clear boundaries against. I spent one evening with the younger woman because I was lonely, and it felt like a conquest.

And yet I didn't like either of them. In fact, I felt self-disgust. But my boundaries were non-existent, I had no self-discipline, and all that mattered to me at the time was that these women wanted to be close to me--all despite the fact that at any earlier time I would have found the thought of being intimate with those two women utterly revolting.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH wants to try and R.

But the issue is his guilt. It's becoming toxic. And before, he recognized that he needed help from an IC. Now he refuses to go. I know I can't help him, but was there anything that helped you get help?

I am really beginning to worry about him. He so afraid of making a wrong decision about anything...I just thought IC could help him.....


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finesse026 -

What are his reasons for refusing to go to IC? If you explore those, it can help lead to knowing how to get past the barrier.

I've had situations where my BW felt I should go back to IC and I procrastinated. There were a few reasons I can think of. I wanted to feel like I had done a lot of work and going back meant that work still wasn't enough. The issues were real but didn't seem as dominant as the A was. And going to IC for me always means facing something about myself that is going to be a challenge to overcome. I've done a lot of work on my conflict avoidance, but there are still pieces of it there I have to work on getting rid of.

You could make IC a condition of R, but unless your WH commits to the IC process himself it's not likely to do a lot of good. It's only as effective as the person going is willing to be open to looking at things from a different perspective.

You can certainly challenge him and make sure he doesn't get to easily set aside the idea of IC, though.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listening...


Thanks for your insight.

WH says that talking it out with someoe else won't help him. He says he is now clear headed and understands what he did and why. He even claims he has forgiven himself, yet still has guilt and wants to make amends to all he's hurt. But I think he needs help for things not A related. Like his poor view of himself. How to deal with his frustration positively instead of pushing it down, and others.

IC and/or MC is a condition of R, which he now wants. But if I bring it up (or other related A issues) he gets upset and feels pushed. He knows it's a neccessity for me and us to R....but I don't want to push too hard either. How do I help him see?

Also, he's afraid he can't be the man I need him to be. Is this common too? Is he just afraid to step up? Or is he afraid of failing or making another poor choice?

This is why he needs IC!!

Thanks.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I help him see?

How much have you talked with him about the fact that his "self beatings" are doing further damage? It's critical that he understand the impact of his actions, including self induced ones that make things worse instead of better.

Also, he's afraid he can't be the man I need him to be. Is this common too? Is he just afraid to step up? Or is he afraid of failing or making another poor choice?

Yup, this is totally normal. I still have moments where I wonder if I've stripped away so much of the person my BW deserves through my actions that I'll never be able to be who she should have in her life. The key has been to let that thought pass through, and remind myself that she has chosen to stay with me because she believes I can be the man she deserves. I don't know if there will ever be a time when the thought totally goes away. But it has certainly lessened over time for me.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any Waywards around that had a no-strings-attached, unemotional ONS? Just had a quick couple questions...

Thanks!


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any Waywards around that had a no-strings-attached, unemotional ONS?

Yes, I did. Can I help?

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, manAscending!

I often see members saying that 99% of the time when a WS claims that the sex was bad, they are lying. While I understand how lame this would sound if a PA continued, do you think it's possible for a ONS? Long story short, my WH has told me from confession day that the sex was terrible and he didn't "finish." His story has never changed, and he's been the "perfect WH." He wasn't looking for a relationship, doesn't know this woman, essentially was just mad at the world and wanting to feel like a man again. I basically accept that it really doesn't matter whether or not he actually enjoyed it; I may never know, and it doesn't excuse his behavior anyway. I'm just curious if the "bad sex" thing is possible (WH husband has said that the idea that men can never have bad sex is a myth).

Other question: is it really possible not to remember the name of a ONS? Another thing that WH has never deviated from; he claims he has no idea what her name was, nor did he even want to know what her name was (they met in a bar, and after 20 mins or so, went to a hotel to screw. How romantic.). Possible?

I know these are just rhetorical questions, really, and if I don't have the truth now, I may never get it. Just trying to let it out here rather than ask the SAME questions to him again.

Thanks for reading!


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

manAscending.....
Thank you, thank you!
Your response to the question about not being attracted to the affair partner was so...... helpful.
Even 3 yrs post d-day..certain things about my H LTA haunt me...
He has given me a lot of information and answered a lot of questions...but, I get 'stuck' on certain things.
He always has said that the MOW meant nothing to him... that he never had any feelings for her, didn't find her attractive,yet the A continued for 5 yrs!!!
She was a very aggressive, pushy and experienced serial adulterer.So...it does sound similar to your experiences in terms of just taking advantage of a willing woman.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@just breathe.
I'm just curious if the "bad sex" thing is possible (WH husband has said that the idea that men can never have bad sex is a myth).

Yes, the sex can be bad in a ONS, definitely.

I had sex with two women outside of my marriage. My boundaries were defunct, something like, "Now that I've kissed these women I can do no harm so long as I don't have sex with them." And when it came to pass that I was having sex for the first time outside of my marraige, some deep part of me knew it was a horrible transgression, even in the middle of the act. The result was that I ejaculated prematurely. The sex was not at all satisfying, and it was actually highly embarrassing as I didn't know how to explain myself. It was an ONS. It was also over before it began.

My personal opinion is that when men say that there's no such thing as bad sex, it's done with a lot of elbow-to-rib poking and eye-winking. I'm aware that I'm generalising. Still, consider that oral sex can be bad (teeth!), and that some people who have sex are so emotionally detached from each other that I don't even know a proper euphemism for what they're doing.

Can you elaborate on what your husband meant in claiming that he was the "perfect WH?" My eyebrows jumped when I read that, and I'd like a better idea of what he means before I get up on my soapbox.

Other question: is it really possible not to remember the name of a ONS?

Yes, it is possible he knew the AP's name and legitimately forgot, especially if alcohol was involved and the ONS was a long time ago. My one-night-stands occurred 1-3 years ago, and I remember the names of the women I cheated with, but recalling them these days is taking longer. I expect there will come a day that I forget entirely.

Your husband could be hiding his AP's name out of shame, embarrassment, fear of you exacting revenge, or for other reasons. By the same token, it's possible your WH actually never knew the name of his AP and never asked. He could be telling the truth about that.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justbreathe -

is it really possible not to remember the name of a ONS? Another thing that WH has never deviated from; he claims he has no idea what her name was, nor did he even want to know what her name was (they met in a bar, and after 20 mins or so, went to a hotel to screw. How romantic.). Possible?

I don't know about ONS in the context of an affair in a marriage... but in my wild single days, there was a number of men whom I met for longer than 20 minutes (one week, one entire day) and I have no recollection of the names of the bars, hotels, towns, or whatever. If I think very hard, I can recall their names, but back then, I was collecting names...

I imagine that if I had picked someone up during my marriage, I would probably deliberately not have focused on the OP's name. I can totally visualize a nameless, faceless, soulless pickup. I know it makes no sense to someone like you, who would never do such a thing.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustBreathe,

is it really possible not to remember the name of a ONS? Another thing that WH has never deviated from; he claims he has no idea what her name was, nor did he even want to know what her name was (they met in a bar, and after 20 mins or so, went to a hotel to screw. How romantic.). Possible?

This is also what torments me about my WS's ONS. He continues to say he can't remember her name, or the name of the bar, or the name of the Apt. complex where they went to have sex. I can believe that he may not remember one or two of those things... but not remember ANY of those things? I have trouble believing that... and it torments me.


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reposting this since it seems to fit in here right now.

Oh God, I don't even know if I'm posting in the right spot or not. I've asked a similar question, but did not get many responses, and what I really want is for a male WS to answer me.
My husband has confessed only to a one night stand, and the only reason he finally confessed was that he had given me an STD. He denied it at first, but finally confessed after I went nuts on him and screamed in agony for one solid week.

Of course, since discovering that he initially lied to me over this ONS, I am having great trouble believing that anything he tells me is the truth. I doubt everything he says. He is extremely remorseful now, and trying to do everything possible not to lose me. He cries almost constantly now. He even cried in public the other day. This is a man that has never even cried in front of me before.

My burning questions for male wayward spouses are:

1: Since this ONS supposedly occurred in another city, 3 1/2 years ago, while he was working there for about 4 days, he says he can't remember the name of the bar where he met this woman, or her name, or the apt. complex where she lived that they went to to have sex.

2: He was willing last weekend to go with me to the city and try to find the bar. But when we rode up and down the road (he could remember the highway where the bar was) he said that he thought the bar had been torn down and replaced with some new shopping center.) I can't help but doubt what he is saying, but I do have to realize that what he is saying could be true. I told him I thought he was lying again, that it couldn't be possible that a person wouldn't remember ANY of those 3 things, and that if he didn't tell me the truth that I would leave him. He continued to say that he was telling the truth, and that he had no way to prove to me that he was telling the truth, and that he didn't know what to do. He begged and cried and looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown. His reaction really scared me. I have never seen him so upset. I actually felt sorry for him.

3) Is it possible for someone to contract an STD after only one sexual encounter? Has this happened to any of you wayward male spouses?

4) Is it possible that a male wayward spouse would not remember either the name of the woman, the name of the bar, or the name of the apt. complex where she lived? Or do you think he is just covering up.

5) If he's covering up, why? What would he have to protect in a situation like this if it was truly a one night stand?

I'm so confused and in such agony over this I don't know whether to let it go or not.

Help me please, I truly want to let go of this.


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear SI WSs on this thread - thank you so much for your time, commitment and emotional and intellectual clarity; as many other BSs have expressed already, it is really really helpful. Your efforts are helping a lot of people.

I'm not sure if I have a question as such, but more of a lightbulb moment, which I'd like to express gratitude for and also share by bumping in case it helps another BS.

What did register was the feeling that I was making the OW momentarily hopeful. Let me explain. After much reflection I realised that I perceived a deficiency in each of the OW--the social outcast, the one going nowhere in life, the young abandoned mother, and so on. I wasn't rescuing them; no, it was much more subtle than that. I was telling them that they were decent... that although we could obviously never be together (obvious to me because I was married), that somewhere, someday, the right person would find them interesting. Effectively, I was at once passing judgement on these women and, in my perverted misunderstanding, giving them the reassurance that they would find happiness--albeit with somebody else.

That made me feel good, that I was "helping" these women. But the situation was further confounded. With the worst possible timing, my infidelities began at a time when I felt like I didn't know how to support my wife through her other problems in life.

I did chew on many subconscious questions, and even asked, "Is what I'm doing wrong?" But the most compelling question I subconsciously asked was about my worth and validation: "Do I have what it takes to at least put a smile on somebody's face?" I was treating my saga of infidelity as a journey of self-discovery to confirm for myself that I still had the ability to help my marriage. After all, if I could make the OW smile, maybe I could make my wife smile.

Very soon after D day, after having been given passwords etc, I discovered various other OWs lurking in his emails. Despite the obvious shock, the first thing that was obvious to me was that he had chosen damsels in distress. And I said to him - 'this is really sad. They are such poor desperate souls. How could you do this?'

I don't think we ad a very fruitful discussion at that point, he just slipped into deeper shame mode.

But I then slipped into self blame mode. Having then asked for full disclosure and found out about all 17 of them, and done my own analyses of timeline significances I came up with some answers for myself (as he wasn't doing any deep digging at that point).

One answer of course was the conclusions I've subsequently had confirmed by Dbb's excellent 'Honey they always trade down" post.

But I also came to a KISA conclusion (I had to because I couldn't square the actions of FWH, who is one of the kindest people I know, as so selfishly taking advantage of these women.)

But, apart from one moment 'co-inciding' at a point when he got turned down from a very senior promotion, all the most recent occurences appeared to coincide with moments when I was having an extremely challenging time. For example, my father's terminal illness and death, for example (most recent OW), an enormous and ongoing crisis at work that I was having to manage; and maybe most pertinently started other ONSs and As -after a period of abstinence of about 7 years - at a time when I was juggling 2 kids under 5, a job, a home business and project managing a major building renovation at home.

The conclusion I drew at the time was that I can't have been paying him enough attention during these periods and so apologised for that. But the more I thought about it, I realised I HAD been paying him enough attention (well, sufficient anyway).

And so I turned to his seeming predilection for dumsels in distress and that caused me further self attrition. Because I could never be described as a dumsel in distress (just saying, not boasting).

Dday 1 I was furious with his confession just before Christmas when I was on my last legs with stress and exhaustion, and he was giving me the responsibility of fixing him, fixing his guilt and fixing it.

And so I kept going, trying to fix everything as usual - my friends begging me to stop being 'so capable and independent and to ask for help'.

But I was stuck on the damsel in distress bit. And so told WH I could see that there was maybe a femininity I was lacking in terms of my notions of independence, and so said I would try to be a bit more womanly but could never be a simperer.

And now several months later having finally acceded to the accumulation of several years' of stress and exhaustion, I am accepting help, and it's lovely. MY friends are lovely.

Sorry, this is getting long and rambling. But for too long I have blamed myself for being too capable, and yet still couldn't 'act' incapable. How to manage a middle ground?

And now I see, thanks to this post, I don't need to. FWH not being able to be properly there for me during these challenging times was not because I was too capable, but because he felt incapable, knew I had to 'deal' with these things, and so chose people he could 'help'.

That all sounds a bit screwed up and sort of justifying, and self-bigging. But it has helped me to only own what I need to own and nothing else.

All the WS answers have been helpful - another I would single out for bumping here is UNexpected Song's confirmation that "I love yous, your wonderfuls" said to an OP is simply the currency of that transaction, and nothing more.

My FWH has repeated this same over and over to me, and whilst the juvenilia of some of his messages absolutely confirm that, I continue to struggle with the effect of the lie of 'ILY' on the OW. It seems so exploitative of a vulnerable person, even if that person is selfishly deluding themselves.

Sorry, this is long!!

Funny thing now. I AM a damsel in distress, by my own and his making!

But did it have be this way???

UGG


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking for some answers...please don't sugar coat it either...I can handle the honesty...

My WH has recently admitted to being a sex addict. He had A with a young woman who was staying with us. They had sex once at our home....things stopped after that for over a month and then had sex three more times around the same week or so at another location.

What I am trying to understand or I just don't believe that they didn't plan the three other times....I don't believe that they went to that other location those other times without know what they were going there to do.....

I totally flipped out on him last night when I found out how long the thing went on...and the fact that they found a place to repeatedly do this...I just don't believe he can use the SA excuse on this one....am I wrong?

Then to top it all off...he professes his undying love for me. WTF.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
grace09
♀ Member
Member # 26808
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm assuming they both knew the other was going to be at the new location? If so, maybe they didn't discuss it outwardly before going, but chances are one, or both, knew deep down what was going to happen. Especially on the 2nd and 3rd trip. That's my thought based on the amount of information you proved. I don't know much about SA, but I don't believe there are any excuses for having an A. The SA probably did lead him to meeting the OW at the other location though.

And, as far as his undying love for you - absolutely it is possible that this is true. What do is actions post Dday tell you? Is he in IC, being transparent, NC, etc? Is he showing remorse and trying to save your marriage?


Me - FWW
Dday 7/09
MC began the week of D-Day, but not yet forgiven

Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2009
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Grace...

Yes, he is doing all of those things and more. He would bring the moon if I asked for it. It's just near impossible how someone can love you so much and do these things....the heart just doesn't allow the brain to get it...


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
just breathe.
♀ Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whew, thank you so much manAscending & UnexpectedSong. You both helped ease my mind so much.

mA - I'm sorry, I wasn't clear: WH has never actually said he's the perfect WH, that was me saying how he's been; ie: remorseful, transparent, etc.

US -

I can totally visualize a nameless, faceless, soulless pickup.

This is actually a perfect way to describe what happened as WH described it. He's said it was horrible, perfunctory, mechanical, sad...you're right, though - it's hard to wrap my head around it. Thanks again for responding.

(((painpaingoaway)))

I'm not a WS, but as you can probably tell, my WH can't remember the name of the female he had his ONS with, but he does know the bar and hotel - of course, not even a month had passed before he confessed, so had it been years, he may not have remembered either. Also, WH got an STD (thankfully treatable) from his encounter, so yes it is possible to get an STD with a ONS. I wish I could answer your other questions.


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

renee21 -

I don't believe that they went to that other location those other times without know what they were going there to do.....

If they went, they knew.

I just don't believe he can use the SA excuse on this one....am I wrong?

This is a complicated one. When you are on a diet and you do not have any junk food in the house, but you get that craving for a chocolate brownie... maybe you go look for your car keys, put on a jacket, get into your car, drive to the market, go down the aisle, pick up a package of brownies, pay the cashier, drive home, and you eat it. At every step of the way, you could have stopped and said, no, I don't want to sabotage my diet. But you don't.

I'm not trivializing an affair as cheating on one's diet... but being SA could mean that you know exactly what you should not do and there are so many steps to go through to do it, and yet you do it.

Then to top it all off...he professes his undying love for me. WTF.

Do you still love him? If you do, and he has done such horrible things... why is it difficult to believe he could have done these things and still love you?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painpaingoaway - I'm not a WH, but let me take a stab at this.

1: Since this ONS supposedly occurred in another city, 3 1/2 years ago, while he was working there for about 4 days, he says he can't remember the name of the bar where he met this woman, or her name, or the apt. complex where she lived that they went to to have sex.

There is a saying that the person who gives an insult writes it in sand, but the person who receives it gets it in bronze. To you, it is inconceivable that he broke the vows for something so trivial, so it could not possibly be trivial. He must have taken note and thought fondly of the apartment complex, or the name of the bar, or whatever. But, in reality, for him, it was written in sand. It was just some bar, some apartment.

And really, how many names of apartment complexes do you remember?

2: [...] he said that he thought the bar had been torn down and replaced with some new shopping center.) I can't help but doubt what he is saying, but I do have to realize that what he is saying could be true.

Well, you have to believe what you believe, and it is real for you. He cannot prove a negative. So, if he truly does not remember, there is no way to prove that.

3) Is it possible for someone to contract an STD after only one sexual encounter?

If I recall from 10th grade sex ed, yes.

4) Is it possible that a male wayward spouse would not remember either the name of the woman, the name of the bar, or the name of the apt. complex where she lived?

Read my response to justbreathe. It is entirely possible - for both men and women.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.