Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
luv80smusic
♀ Member
Member # 17248
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if this has been asked before but I didn't read through the thread.

Was there anything anyone could have said to you that would make you stop your affair before you were caught?

The reason I ask is that I have a friend who is involved with a married man. She is in a long term relationship with a guy that would be crushed if he found out about her infidelity. I have tried to talk to her and encourage her to stop. She tries but then goes back to her married man. I am feeling hopeless/helpless.

Thanks.


Betrayed wife
D Day 9/7/07
Reconciled yes 100% trust no

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Dec 2007
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, luv80music, that's tough. I'm sure the question has been asked in a philosophical sense, but I haven't quite seen this situation here.

Was there anything anyone could have said to you that would make you stop your affair before you were caught?

You probably already know that it's just about impossible to make anyone do something they don't want to do themselves. Way back when, when I still rode my moral high horse, a good friend was involved with a married man. I argued, talked, pleaded - she often even agreed eventually. But she "just couldn't help herself". That affair lasted until they were caught. It's fairly recent that her rejection of it is more or less stable.

My point is you really can't make her. But perhaps you can give her a nudge, if she's really trying to stop this.

Perhaps let her know of your experience if she doesn't already know. Let her know about the horrible pain and the long aftershocks - and how it would help to have a wayward spouse really doing the work. She'll worry about her other man, even worry about his marriage, ugh. You can let her know that she can check up on him in ten years, after she and her relationship are healed (risky, I know...). He is not her responsibility - she is.

Try to view this as an addiction. It really does have a lot of the characteristics. Perhaps give her some things from the healing library to remind her of this. If she's really trying, acknowledging the addiction can be a second step in the right direction.

If she's not trying there's nothing you can do. If you still want to stop the affair you could only inform the betrayed spouse(s) and hope your friendship survives.

This must be really hard. I'm sorry for you.

~L.

edited for typos, mostly

[This message edited by leftoolate at 2:07 AM, October 31st (Saturday)]


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was there anything anyone could have said to you that would make you stop your affair before you were caught?

I wasn't caught, I confessed. Looking back I think if my husband had confronted my very open getting too close to my coworker behavior I might have seen the slippery slope before it got to that point. I never kept my friendship w/FOM secret, & disclosed after we first kissed. Unfortunately that didn't stop things from escalating even further. Once it got to that point nothing but my own determination to stop could help. If my husband had put his foot down too hard, I would have left him at that time because I would not have wanted to feel controlled--and quite honestly, I was at a point where I was considering leaving the marriage FOM or not (it wasn't about FOM).

I don't think we can stop anyone from doing anything, in truth. We can be good friends and warn others, but that is about it.

Sounds like she might have to experience the painful consequences for herself.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
lovedance
♀ Member
Member # 25294
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you consider this being a serial cheater?

Met and started dating Aug 1999

June 2001 - Cheated while we were dating

Broke up and he dated OW.

July 2001- Had sex with me while still seeing OW. (I was young and stupid at 19)

Jan 2002-Us back together
end Jan 2001- met girl at concert and wants to go on date with her

feb 2002- wants to date again

march 2002- wants to break up. I 180 him and he realizes - wants to BE together for good.

Dec 2002- proposes
June 2003-Married
Jan 2004 - admits porn addiction. Stops all looking, but no formal treatment.

Jan 2009-EA starts. Don't know when it turned PA, but I know it is now.

Seems he is SA (trying to just control himself with no healthy solutions), attention/approval addict and just a runner who cannot face any relational problems.

edited to add met in 1999.

[This message edited by lovedance at 10:18 PM, October 31st (Saturday)]


Me-29
WH-31
OW-21
D-day #1 3/2/09
Separated off and on until 12/31/09 when A ended, WH moved home and NC started
Trying to R...I can tell he is starting to "get it."
I left 2/10 and he filed for D 6/10. Only a few more days until it is

Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: CA
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was there anything anyone could have said to you that would make you stop your affair before you were caught?

In short, no and much was said to me to try and stop me, but I did what I wanted to do anyway. The same thing can be said for your friend and all you can do is say your piece and let it go because at the end of the day, she's going to do what she wants to do and will stop when she's either 1)ready or 2)forced to (MMBW or her BF finds out and NC ensues).

It seems like you've encouraged her as much as you can. At this point, leave it alone. She's grown, she knows the risks - all you can do is be there for her when everything falls apart because it will...

Hope this helps..

MJ


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
hideandseek
♀ Member
Member # 25802
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any WS's here who didn't want to R with their spouse and chose not to?
If you did choose to not R, what were your reasons?

I'm just trying to understand why my WS turned away from us and rejected my gift of R. I don't think my demands were great or that I am such a horrible person but he maintains that I am. We had a failed R that lasted for 8 months.

Thank you so much for your time.

BTW: The OW is not in the picture, he has chosen to be alone.

[This message edited by hideandseek at 12:14 AM, November 1st (Sunday)]


Nancy: Why is f#$@ing Armageddon always coming down on me? Andy: You do it. You do know that? You have to know that - Weeds

Posts: 688 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: ON, Canada
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovedance, would you consider this serial cheating?

Seriously, do you really need a wayward's view on this? Why? You seem smart enough to have figured this out. Is your husband refusing to consider this option? Then our saying so won't make a difference.

This is not meant to be harsh, so I'll aim gently. Perhaps you could get yourself some individual counselling, since medication alone will not help you enough. Once you have counselling, bring up the topic of boundaries (yep, good ole boundaries...). From your profile it looks like you've been working on making up your mind. We can all use some pointers with that. So, you'll know what you need and want. Next, you learn how to communicate that. No empty threats, hear? They prolong the pain and build frustration. When you get to the point that you're aware of your needs and wants, and your husband has been made aware of what that means for him - it's out of your hands.

You can work on you, whether or not it was serial, addiction, 'no big deal', or whatever. Please, look after yourself and your kids. Babysteps, looking forward.

Good luck,
~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Hideandseek,

It seems there aren't many waywards here that aren't working on their marriage. I'll try to think of a few names...

In the mean time, all I could think of was that he may not think you're horrible, he may think he's horrible, but he can't admit that. Or perhaps he's just tired. It looks like you've had tough going for a long time, and he may have given up.

Both ideas are just conjecture, I really don't know why he's not willing to live with you. Perhaps someone else here can give you some personal insight.

Good luck,
~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
hideandseek
♀ Member
Member # 25802
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, lefttoolate. He's now questioning how we got engaged, he's started to re-write our WHOLE marriage as a huge mistake.


Nancy: Why is f#$@ing Armageddon always coming down on me? Andy: You do it. You do know that? You have to know that - Weeds

Posts: 688 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: ON, Canada
cantbreathe09
♂ Member
Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question to all FW's, is that once your BS found out about the affair and wanted to R, how long did your affair last before you came out of the fog and truly commited to R and your marriage?
My WW is still involved, but she says she will not sign divorce papers. Off and on she acts as if she wants our marriage to work, then she just turns around and starts contacting OM again. She even gets pissed when she see's OM's car at his ex-GF's house. I am practicing the 180, but I can't keep living in limbo. I do want to R, but I have no idea what she wants and she says it's hard for her to end it, but she is still here, and I'm just ready to file. I do beleive she is in an addictive relationship with OM. How do you begin to help with her addiction?
Thank you.


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hideandseek,
My BH and I are in the process of R. I wanted that from the very beginning.

I can understand though how some WS would not want to. It is a tremendous amount of work, and there is no guarantee.
I know that at any time my BH could decide he is done. That what I did is just too much for him, and that is absolutely justifiable.
For me, just the tiny glimmer of hope that we can R is enough.
For some people that isn't enough, they don't want to put in the work and effort.
just my opinion here, but if he is not willing to do whatever it takes for you, then he's not worthy of you


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
hideandseek
♀ Member
Member # 25802
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThankS IDLW, I'm beginning to see that for myself.

He demands that I forgive him for all he has done to me and yet he holds the looong list of the things that I have done and will NEVER forgive me for them. I'm constantly jumping through these impossible hoops and failing in his eyes. I am done, for sure. The divorce is the only course of action, it's just so painful because I loved him for so long.


Nancy: Why is f#$@ing Armageddon always coming down on me? Andy: You do it. You do know that? You have to know that - Weeds

Posts: 688 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: ON, Canada
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WARNING SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC-------Well, I have posted before that sex with FWH is almost non existant but last night we romped so to speak. We didn't have sex but pleased each other...ok hope that isn't TMI. So, I realized that he still doesn't touch my chest,,,he doesn't seem into it really,,,he kisses VERY different and over 25 years we had a special kiss as most do and he kisses me (must be like he kissed her). It breaks my heart and I feel second. Is this normal that he isnt into it even if he is trying? Is it normal to bring his kisses with her into our life? He kissed so much better before to be honest. He just can't get all over me like he use too also. Is that normal? I feel like it is just not there for him which in turn takes it from me. The kissing thing, should I say something,,,I did mention that he kissed different and I liked the before A kissing much better and he said why do you base everything on that timeline? I was sweet about it but I HATE IT..we he ever want me and desire me totally and enthusiastically again,,,I am ready to give up ,,,it isn't fair and it is too painful...the kisses bother me the most and what is it about my chest..mine is larger could that be it? ,,,,anyone please help,,,I am goingn down the slippery slope of "why do I bother its just too dang painful"??

[This message edited by itspersonal at 1:37 PM, November 1st (Sunday)]


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
lovedance
♀ Member
Member # 25294
Happy  Posted: 2:35 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

leftoolate, Thank you for your reply. I guess what I was really trying to figure out is if my WH has an addiction or is deep down a selfish jerk. As my IC pointed out, I do know how to set boundaries (as I did when we were dating with a few things,) but don't know what kind of boundaries I can set without filling for D. He is unremorseful and with OW, yet as a follower of Christ and seeing his behavior during the first 5 years of M, I believe our M can be saved. I am looking back and seeing some red flags. You're right - I don't need anyone else's response, I see that he IS, but I guess I was looking for opinions. I appreciate you answering me


Me-29
WH-31
OW-21
D-day #1 3/2/09
Separated off and on until 12/31/09 when A ended, WH moved home and NC started
Trying to R...I can tell he is starting to "get it."
I left 2/10 and he filed for D 6/10. Only a few more days until it is

Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: CA
Buzz09
♂ Member
Member # 25971
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, lefttoolate. He's now questioning how we got engaged, he's started to re-write our WHOLE marriage as a huge mistake.

Hideandseek - My ex-wife started the same crap with me before we filed. I don't get it.


Me BH 40
WW 41

Posts: 648 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: buzz09
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question.....


My H and I went aways with a friend of mine for the weekend. It was weird doing something together after so long. But, it seemed like he had a good time.

My H has been good about being transparent, but this weekend something odd came up. His cell phones had died, so he left them at the hotel. While we were out, I checked his messages. The OW had called (possible OC) and said she needed to talk, it was important. SO, I told H about the message. I didn't want to, but I thought it could be concerning. Now, I know that OW and H have been in NC for three weeks. H told OW not to call, not to email, the whole nine yards.

Anyway, after I tell him what I did, his attitude changed. I don't know if it was concern for OC, OW, or that I listened to his messages. I ask, and he says that it's fine. He did this, he can see why I would want to check his messages. But then later today, he says that he understands why I would want to check his messages when he isn't with me, but he was all weekend. Then he tells me that our R is difficult because he lacks patience with me. With me?!

I guess my question is how can he not have patience with me when I have done everything in my power to try to R and work on our M? Is this normal? Is he still in the fog?

He had an IC last Friday, and it seemed to go well. He seemed to have a focus, and now I feel like I messed it up. He says he doesn't want anything to do with OW, so why the impatience with me? He's the one who brought this to our M. I know I did lots wrong in our M, but I didn't drift to another. Has he not owned up to his "shit"? I asked him this and said that he is working on "owning" what he did. So I just don't understand.

Any insight would be helpful. Our MC is out for two weeks! I need all the support I can get!

Thank you.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
cantbreathe09
♂ Member
Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my WW to make an end decision or I will, which is filing for a D. She says she feels pressured?
Has any FWS'S here felt pressured when your BS's felt it was your marriage or your OM/OW?


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that's a lot of questions... I'm sorry guys, I have to get the kids out of school now. Just wanted you to know that you've been read and you will receive an appropriate response from some wayward spouse soon!

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cantbreathe09 -

Has any FWS'S here felt pressured when your BS's felt it was your marriage or your OM/OW?

Well, of course I felt pressured. But it was my fault.

You should file. Waiting for her to "decide" is the same as letting her cake-eat.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hideandseek -

I'm just trying to understand why my WS turned away from us and rejected my gift of R. I don't think my demands were great or that I am such a horrible person but he maintains that I am.

Why do you want to reconcile with him? Has he stopped being abusive toward you?

In general, it is probably a strong instinct of the WS to "run away". I have no idea why he reject R, but that probably has something to do with it.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.