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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just Crushed:

It may take your wife awhile to snap out of it. Fantasy Land is like a drug and it is hard to give up. She may also be experiencing depression, so watch for that also. The longer NC is kept in place the better things will become. How long has NC been established and who established it?

I definately would say either MC or IC, which ever you feel would be better.

[This message edited by Sandcrab at 12:24 PM, October 26th (Monday)]


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
patch44
Member
Member # 18672
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some advice from WS that are\were 'emotionally challenged"

I am the emotional navigator in this R, heck in our M and I get tired of it. He will talk about A and M if I bring it up. Serious talks to be had, IF I start them. I almost feel like a therapist. I literally had to explain to him how to write a letter to me explaining how was feeling.

I want HIM to initiate these types of conversations and actions on his own. I have told him this but he still struggles. I am going on the premise that he wants R, he has been doing everything else needed to R except this one thing.

So, the question is, to the emotionally challenged WS, how did you overcome this? How did you start feeling comfortable beginning a convo?

He is reading 'The Seven Levels of Intimacy'.

Thanks in advance to all the wonderful WS for your responses.


me- BS
him - WS
m-14 yrs
d-day - 6/30/07

Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustCrushed -

Unfortunately, she is not upfront w/ me about her lingering feelings for OM.

What do you do when you find out about her "lingering feelings"? After being slammed by my husband twice for telling him how I felt (because he told me I was to tell him how I felt - if I wanted to contact the xOM, etc.), I resolved never to tell him again while I worked on "getting over" the xOM.

I'm not say I was right, I'm telling you my frame of mind. If you are not a "safe place" for her to tell you of her "lingering feelings", she probably won't be telling you.

The thing is, I wanted to get over the xOM. It's not like I wanted to hold onto some romantic pining thing with him. I just didn't want to be slammed over and over while I was working on it.

How the hell do I snap my WW out of this fog/withdrawal stage???

I don't know if it is possible to snap someone out of the fog. I know that some people do - on their own. However, people are people. Even if what the person is doing is wrong - hell, going outside a marriage is as wrong as wrong can get - it takes time to get over a "breakup".

My husband was mad, too. He said, what's one insane month compared to 10 years together? And he was completely right. What is one stupid month of my affair compared to 10 great years together?

But, unfortunately, feelings are feelings. They don't turn on and off. In the same way that yours for your wife didn't turn off the moment you found out.

It took me time. Again, I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying it takes time.

If you want to hurry the process up, offer her a divorce, tell her you'll take her kids away, and mean it.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Patch

I have never been comfortable starting a conversation about the A, my husband is the one that usually brought it up.

The way I was able to bring it up was to read here on SI and ask questions. The information I got from here is what I used to start conversations and it would always lead to something in our world that needed to be discussed.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx SC and US for your replies.

US,

What do you do when you find out about her "lingering feelings"? After being slammed by my husband twice for telling him how I felt (because he told me I was to tell him how I felt - if I wanted to contact the xOM, etc.), I resolved never to tell him again while I worked on "getting over" the xOM.
TBH, I haven't done anything. I've found out about her lingering feelings for OM by seeing chat with her GF. I have not confronted her. I just hope they go away and she returns to M.


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
2stickinthere
♂ Member
Member # 24439
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

any ws's get frustrated and depressed to the point that they wanted nothing more than to just give up and start over? i fear me pushing mine she has gotten to that point right after she got introble at work and everybody know's what she's done and all her friends there are talking about it behind her back. her entire world is falling apart, and she's pulling away from me.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jun 2009
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2stickinthere

I saw your post this morning and thought maybe someone else could give you a better answer so I left it alone. I just wanted you to know that your post was read and I will try to give you an answer.

any ws's get frustrated and depressed to the point that they wanted nothing more than to just give up and start over?

Yes I got depressed, I am still on anti-depressants for depression and sucidal thoughts.

I didn't think about starting over I just thought about getting out.

But I got help before anything bad happened.

Is your WW showing signs of depression? If so I would get her to the doctor to have her evaluated for depression.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
2stickinthere
♂ Member
Member # 24439
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, after talking to her and deciding to ride things out longer, discussing our conditions getting help was one of mine she agreed to. i'm going to remind her of this decision, but things are too fragile for me to push her fast than she feels she can do it.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jun 2009
MissesJai
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Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

patch ~

So, the question is, to the emotionally challenged WS, how did you overcome this? How did you start feeling comfortable beginning a convo

well, I'm not the emotionally challenged WS - BH is but to answer your question, I rarely ever start a conversation about the A because honestly, sometimes we both get sick of talking/thinking about it. he will tell you the same. it's not that either of us are trying to stick our heads in the sand and pretend it never happened, but neither of us wants the A to be the driving factor behind what we think, do, say, feel, etc. BH is usually the one who brings it up but only after I share an introspection or ask him if he has any questions for me. In retrospect, I guess that is starting a conversation about it, so that's how I go about it. That said, I will echo Song's statement about the need for the WS to feel safe when sharing information with the BS. Previously, my BH slammed me when I shared details he had asked for and when I shared an introspection I had when I started IC. At that point, I shut down and stopped telling him anything. I wasn't going to be punished for being honest - especially after all the years of being dishonest. Like Song, I just got over xOM on my own. She might have to do the same...

How the hell do I snap my WW out of this fog/withdrawal stage???

You can't. She has to do that on her own. It's up to her to determine when that will happen, if it ever does. IMO, the fog and withdrawal stages are different. I immediately snapped out of the fog after BH confronted me. But the withdrawal stage lasted long beyond that. I got past the withdrawal stage on my own as well. While BH had changed his reactions, he still didn't handle my sharing well. Anytime he asked me questions about the xOM or the A, he would usually be fine on the surface, but it would result in him experiencing nightmares later. This may no longer be the case, but I'm not 100% sure. I've seen it happen too often to believe it's not like that anymore - which makes me hesitant to share with him, even when he asks.

any ws's get frustrated and depressed to the point that they wanted nothing more than to just give up and start over?

many times. The most frustrating part was that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't run away from what I had done. I HAD to face the depths of my betrayal. I HAD to face my issues. I HAD


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
MissesJai
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Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate post...

[This message edited by MissesJai at 1:37 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, the question is, to the emotionally challenged WS, how did you overcome this? How did you start feeling comfortable beginning a convo

well, I'm not the emotionally challenged WS - BH is but to answer your question, I rarely ever start a conversation about the A because honestly, sometimes we both get sick of talking/thinking about it. he will tell you the same. it's not that either of us are trying to stick our heads in the sand and pretend it never happened, but neither of us wants the A to be the driving factor behind what we think, do, say, feel, etc. BH is usually the one who brings it up but only after I share an introspection or ask him if he has any questions for me. In retrospect, I guess that is starting a conversation about it, so that's how I go about it. That said, I will echo Song's statement about the need for the WS to feel safe when sharing information with the BS. Previously, my BH slammed me when I shared details he had asked for and when I shared an introspection I had when I started IC. At that point, I shut down and stopped telling him anything. I wasn't going to be punished for being honest - especially after all the years of being dishonest. Like Song, I just got over xOM on my own.

How the hell do I snap my WW out of this fog/withdrawal stage???

You can't. She has to do that on her own. It's up to her to determine when that will happen, if it ever does. IMO, the fog and withdrawal stages are different. I immediately snapped out of the fog after BH confronted me. But the withdrawal stage lasted long beyond that. I got past the withdrawal stage on my own as well. While BH had changed his reactions, he still didn't handle my sharing well. Anytime he asked me questions about the xOM or the A, he would usually be fine on the surface, but it would result in him experiencing nightmares later. This may no longer be the case, but I'm not 100% sure. I've seen it happen too often to believe it's not like that anymore - which makes me hesitant to share with him, even when he asks.

any ws's get frustrated and depressed to the point that they wanted nothing more than to just give up and start over?

many times. The most frustrating part was that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't run away from what I had done. I HAD to face the depths of my betrayal. I HAD to face my issues. I HAD to do these things if I wanted to save my M and help my BH heal. The problem was that I was accustomed to running away when confronted with something I had done so wanting to give up and run away was natural for me. It took some strong words from my best friend to get me to "man up" and face the consequences of my actions. Anything less would be cheating myself and my BH.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 1:38 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2stickinthere -

any ws's get frustrated and depressed to the point that they wanted nothing more than to just give up and start over?

All the time. Even without frustration, depression, all my coworkers knowing, friends talking behind my back, whatever... I know what I did. I would like nothing better than to run away and live as a nun (be like Guinevere) and have H be with someone who deserves him.

But I can't leave my kids.

(Part of my issues, though, are due to family of origin issues. I have wanted to run away for so long that that's my default solution to any problem.)


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

patch44 -

How did you start feeling comfortable beginning a convo?

How is your husband like usually? Before the affair, before you got used to each other, what was he like? Did he always ask you about your feelings and emotions?

It may not be his style. If it's something you really want, you just have to tell him that that is a requirement. And maybe give him words and a schedule. Something like, after the kids go to bed, we have to spend half an hour talking about our day and you need to start by telling me something else you thought about the affair.

Or if speaking is not his forte, would email work?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
2stickinthere
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Member # 24439
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


dp

[This message edited by 2stickinthere at 2:38 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 96 | Registered: Jun 2009
2stickinthere
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Member # 24439
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MissesJai

my WW is the same way. always ran first cried later after too late. her family warned me of this, and told me not to push but i have been. reading whats expected on these forums makes me expect those things from her so i pushed. now i may have ruiend it all, and she was trying so hard only a month back and i kept pushing.

a coworker of mine told me to forgive is really hard and you know when you have when you react and treat them exactly as you did before knowing anything. at this point, i thought i have forgiven, but i keep watching and trying to suggest how i want her to act. i need to back off and let the smoke clear.

UnexpectedSong
my WW just started talking to friends, but they are not mutual friends (coworkers) and they are suggesting she's unhappy so time to move on. not supportive at all........


Posts: 96 | Registered: Jun 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2stickinthere -

my WW just started talking to friends, but they are not mutual friends (coworkers) and they are suggesting she's unhappy so time to move on. not supportive at all........

Believe it or not, these coworkers cannot make your wife move on if she herself already did not want to move on. No one can make anyone else do anything. Including you. You cannot make her do anything. So stop trying.

What you need to do is focus on yourself. Eat right, exercise, go out with friends. Be cordial with her, don't beg her. Let her see what she will be missing if she leaves.

The more you cling to her, the more she will want to run away.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
cantbreathe09
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Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW wife has agreed to go to IC. She is currently living at home, but has not established NC with OM . She is cake eating, fence sitting,...ect. I told her to get away from here and stay with her parents. She wants to bring the kids(6&4) with her, because she said having them wth her will help. She also says if I insist that the kids stay with me, that will only make her pissed at me.
My WW says the marriage is important to her that's why she hasn't left, but can't establish NC with OM. I told her it's bull, I am practicing the 180, and I do have a lawyer.

My question is have any WS's been in this position?

Have any WS's gone to IC at this stage, before you were able to commit to R and your marriage?

To all, is me letting her bring the kids with her to her parents the right thing, if it will help her?

[This message edited by cantbreathe09 at 2:15 PM, October 28th (Wednesday)]


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
Listeningclosely
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Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cantbreathe -

While I was NC when I started IC, things were still very shaky in my foggy brain. Neither one of us was able to guarantee anything other than a commitment to put everything we both had into the R process and see where it led us.

The problem with your WW still having contact with OM during IC is it lessens the chance she will be honest with her IC. IC does nothing until you tell the full truth to them. They aren't human polygraphs. They can pick up on some things, but if a WS wants to snow their IC they often can. In which case, IC does nothing to help.

So the success of the effort depends totally on your WW opening up to the IC and at least telling them the whole truth.

As far as the kids, what is in your kids best interest? If they have to be away from either you or your WW, which environment will they say makes them feel safest (in relative terms)? Sometimes we have to place the needs of our kids above those of ourselves.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all the WS's I have two questions. First, when my FWS's father passed on this year, my FWS called my brother's ex-wife (divorced seven years because she cheated on him) and told her that it would be okay if she would like to come to his fathers funeral. Is this to make him feel like less of a bad person for cheating on me?
Second question, how long did your BS want you to call home and let them know if you were going to be late? Do you feel there's a time limit to asking this of ones WS?? Thank you in advance for your helpful answers and thank you for all the past help you've been so kind to show me.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere -

Is this to make him feel like less of a bad person for cheating on me?

I'm thinking this is a bit too analytical. He may be in more of a "forgiving" mood toward his former SIL hoping that if he can forgive her others could forgive him. And there's no doubt that through R your perspective changes dramatically in terms of understanding what is important in life and wanting to make sure that you don't have too many regrets when your time is over.

Then again when I lost my Dad earlier this year, that was the reflection I had based on his death at way too young an age (64). It had nothing to do with my A.

how long did your BS want you to call home and let them know if you were going to be late? Do you feel there's a time limit to asking this of ones WS??

The fact you have to ask this is a little concerning. For my BW's healing, I probably had to call her if plans changed for a good year plus in order for her to find some comfort. But the reality is I still do it now. It's common courtesy just to let her know what's up.

Your WS should be doing this for you voluntarily, not because you ask but because it's a sign of respect toward you.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
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