Are there custody issues for a SA? My H is threatening a custody battle and is trying to use how he has made me emotional and "crazy" with the revelation and the "therapy" seem like I am an unfit parent. Does his behavior give any pause to a judge who would award custody? He has a HUGE Craigslist history posting and answering ads that goes back two years that I am aware of at this point. He has admitted to meeting and having unprotected sex with three women he met on CL but I suspect there is more. He posts for men, CD, TVs, couples, j/o buddy, panty hose play and for women. Is his self destructive dangerous behavior enough to keep him from having unsupervised visitation with two small children? I believe it is highly possible that he could bring someone into his home if they were there, or worse, leave them alone to go and meet someone for sex. All advice welcome and needed. I am in a bit of a panic, again. I hate my life so much right now.
It really is necessary for the SA to re-wire all the changes they've made to their brain through years of addiction.
You know, only 1/3 of SA's who enter a CSAT recovery program will still be in recovery and still be sober at the end of 5 years time. According to Carnes' study, the ones who made it were willing to do everything and anything they could to recover.
An abstainence period is one of those things.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
The 90 days (and recovery in general!) is NOT about the couple or the relationship.
It is essential to the rewiring of the brain of the addict.
As with everything, do your research if you are skeptical. Read up on the scientific studies and evidence as to what SA does to the brain.
If the 90 days had somehow been a last straw for our marriage, so be it, if it helped my SAH recover fully and healthily.
I was very angry about the celibacy period, too.
I will be back when I don't have an audience (kids) to state how much it helped me through the process.
Again, I am full of gratitude for how much I was given from 7yrs. Where I am in a healthy manner I attribute directly to her. Her "advice" is golden.
His IC told him she believes he is ADD....I never gave it much thought but he fits the criteria to a T. He was never diagnosed with it as a child.
Our youngest son has ADHD and it's pretty severe...and I believe my daughter is ADD but have not confirmed that with a doctor...
I was reading about the odds of a SA also being ADD or ADHD and the statistics show a good portion of SA's are...
He is a workaholic. He can't stop ever. Even on his days off, he is going and going until bedtime. And even then, he often cannot sleep.
He has more clutter, more projects, more things to do than anyone could possible ever get done in a lifetime. He makes everyone exhausted just watching him.
And even though he refuses to seek help for SA and refused to even ADMIT that he is a SA, I have no doubt in my mind that is what he is.
When I first met him, I asked him why a handsome man like him is single. His answer: "Because I'm a central magnet in a universe of clutter."
I should have ran screaming for the hills.
[This message edited by Nouveau at 5:48 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)]
H is ADHD (not diagnosed until after SA diagnosis). Both sons are ADHD.
"I am a goddess"
WOW...so the SA and ADHD thing is common like my readings have suggested...
I should of realized a long time ago that WH was ADD but my focus was elsewhere...He is in the process of getting a referal so he can go see a neurologist. His IC has recommended he pursue it and get on the medication.
We too have a million projects started and very few finished. Our computer desk is a disaster from all his business paperwork, he looses his keys, wallet, phone...stuff like that all the time...is late most of the time...doesn't seem to understand the concept of time...not paying bills, forgetting appts, every vehicle that he has had was a disaster inside...I could go on and on...
The IC told him he must drive me nuts...and she is right...he has for 15 years...
I'm sorry that we have one more issue that we can relate to but glad to know that I have company....
Thanks again for the responses...
From what I see and hear described, so much of the ADHD behavior is very similar to the shadow life, compartmentalizing of my SAH. How do these CSATs distinguish before recovery begins?
My SAH's memory has hugely improved. He used to say it worried him that his memory was so bad that he would end up with very very early Alzheimers. He is a very intelligent man, but he would not remember basic things about our day to day life, would not remember events or even a vague time period in which they happened.
Now it is completely changed. It has to be exhausting being an addict, keeping the lies of who they are straight every day. To feel their mind is confusing and out of control, then it would understandable that they try to do too much, in an effort to control their world.
I am not saying I don't agree. I am really fascinated by this subject and would love to know how to distinguish the two before recovery. The difference in my SAH is so significant from before.
In the case where it doesn't run in the family and you have seen improvement since he started seeing a CSAT, that might not be a case of ADD or ADHD...but then again I am not a shrink or MD...
tried to get to above post but keep getting re-routed to the list of forums?
What am I doing wrong?
it's all about James Hunter, now ;)
And here's the 180 link:
Trying to get to this rec'd post and am simply re-routed to forum. What can I do to get there?
tried to get to above post but keep getting re-routed to the list of forums?
My WS SA was ADD/ADHD also. He never finished anything he started, went from one job/career to another, had dozens of unfinished projects he left me with here at the house, and generally just drove me crazy with his spur of the moment ideas that never got proved out.
Are there custody issues for a SA?
So if your WS is threatening you with custody, keep all records of his "habits," any hard paper trails you have, screen shots of computer sites/dating sites/profiles of his, dates, times, where you found what, etc....in a nice neat little notebook.
[This message edited by AkKat22 at 9:45 PM, June 17th (Thursday)]
I have my own issues with depression and co-dependency. We both have emotional abandonment by one or both parents and WH was verbally abused. The FOO is facinating to me because both of my grandfathers were SA's and his were alcholics. His Dad has had one or more PA's (don't know for sure). Anyway, for me everything is so clear. But WH has lived in denial for so long that his progress is moving very slowly.
As a BS, I am soooo frustrated. With a SAWS, all the focus has to go to their recovery first and the BS is left to heal themselves. And for some reason, my city does not have a COSA group or any other 12 step group or support for SA spouses.
And while I have been learning about SA and Co-dependency, I still am stuck in the phase of "he did this because he doesn't love or respect me" even though I have evidence of love. And he simply cannot understand how to work on our communication and intimacy issues. He really seems completely at a loss. Or is he just playing me (he is very good at deception and creating confusion).
Sorry, I just needed to vent!!! Trying to communicate with my WH is impossible at this time and as we all know, unless you are dealing with SA you have no clue what the hurting person is dealing with.
How on God's green earth do you deal with all of this without going insane? And how hard is it to start your own COSA group? I desparately want to talk face to face with other women like myself!!!!!
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
You stated in your post that it was all about your SA's recovery and treatment, and it's really not. I know at this point that it seems that way, but his recovery is up to him--he has to want it for himself. Your recovery which is just as important is up to you.
You said that you found an SA.org mtg in your area. Just to be clear--SA is for the sex addict. S-Anon is for the family members of the addict. You can go to SAnon.org and look for mtgs. If there are none in your area, they can put you in touch with a phone mtg, or someone to talk to who has been down this road. (And no, it's not hard to start a mtg--somebody has to do it, or there won't be mtgs).
Focus on yourself, and work at detaching lovingly from his issues--he has to work on them himself.