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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has now been gone on his trip to another country for over 10 days. I am LOVING being home alone. He is missing me so much, he can barely stand it. He writes email every day and needs to hear back from me. I could manage just fine without it. I'm up front about it and tell him he misses me a whole lot more than I miss him. He understands it, but it makes him sad.

At the same time, I'm looking forward to joining him in a little more than a month. I do enjoy his company, but it's hard living with an SA day in and day out.

He's in an environment surrounded by all kinds of women, and I don't worry one bit. I cannot control what he does. That in itself is so liberating. I think this separation is very good for us. It's interesting how I could barely stand him being out of my sight after D-Day and now after 10+ days, I'm loving the alone time.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
savvyhippie
♀ New Member
Member # 19238
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the last 12 months since posting my life has been improving. My SA husband has owned up to his addiction and is attending 3 meetings a week of SA and SLAA. I attend an S-Anon meeting. We have been travelling for 4 months in a caravan and you can't get much closer than that. I know that I am still "punishing" him and am too scared to let myself go in case he hurts me again. I know that I am still feeling so stupid for not seeing who he really was. Even though I know he fooled his wife of 27 years before me.
It is just not women that worry me but men and I am so angry with the whole of mankind. I am concerned for grandchildren and what they might encounter one day in a public toilet. I fully get that this man is recovering and doesn't ever want to be in the same place.
I will work the 12 steps over and over and over again until I get it. Some days I think that I have better things to do with my time than attend a conference or meeting. Then I am reminded that I would never have met these wonderful, amazing women if not for the SA. I would not have known that I have work to do on myself to understand how I attract the addicts.
We are wonderful, strong people and an addict cannot survive unless they find partners like us. You are all fantastic. Know who you are, why you became and who you are going to be in your future.
Love to you all. A


DANCE as though no one is watching you. LOVE as though you have never been hurt before. SING as though no one can hear you. LIVE as though Heaven is on Earth ... Souza

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NSW, Australia
living4hope
♀ Member
Member # 27556
Sad  Posted: 6:07 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, today is my first post in this forum. Although I have suspected it for a while, my H and I saw a SA counselor on Sunday and got the official "diagnosis" of SA. I am not sure what I feel - scared of a lifetime of dealing with this enemy! I also struggle with looking at the big picture of our almost 17 years together. I realize that I was not strong enough to deal with it in the past, however, am so afraid of the future. Our SA counselor is focusing on helping my husband create a complete disclosure and I am so afraid of what my future holds for me. Wondering every minute of every day - what am I going to do?


BS(Me) - 44
WH - 49...died 8/28/2011
DDay1 - 11/27/2009
Dday2 - 2/2/2010
Dday3 - 6/25/2010 - 3 PA - 1+ years each, 1 year EA
Married - 14 years
Children - boy 13, girl 10

Posts: 69 | Registered: Feb 2010
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Living4hope- you go forward one day at a time. You watch, you listen, you learn. Eventually, you start to heal, and realize that life goes on. The ball is now in your court. This site is full of people who are staying with their spouse as they go through recovery. There are also those who had to let go. You will choose the path that is right for you. Not necessarily for him, but for you. I am so sorry you are here. There are some real differences for those who have a sex addict in their lives compared to those who have affairs only. Both are extremely painful, and haunt us daily. The addiction has other layers that affect us, all in very unpleasant ways. This is probably the most devastating thing we will ever endure. Stay strong, and create your own happiness.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted here before. I also post on LTR and multiple partners. My WH is a Sex and Love addict. I just wanted to share with newbies that it took a long time for my WH to come to terms with his addiction. My WH has repeatedly repented, only to lie to me all over again. I thought there was only 1 OW, but found out in Dec '09 that there were 3, with 1 main one.

After every single dday (there have been 4) he promises me he will go to therapy, straighten up, and so forth. It has been over 1 year and he has never kept his word.

I've been able to retain my sanity through the strength I receive from my COSA group. I've lost faith in us and sadly look forward to our separation; ironically he seems to be trying harder than ever.

I don't know what will happen. If I've learned one thing, its that I can't control him, just me.

This last year I've been in the fight of my life, trying to save my marriage. It turns out I needn't have tried so hard, for what good it did me.

Hopefully you'll fare much better than I did.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Concerned  Posted: 12:45 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5 years.

5 years ago today was Dday #1.

It still hurts.

It's still a trigger.

I wonder if it always will be?

Look how far we've come.

But it still feels like yesterday.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7, I'm sending you huge hugs.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7-

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

I know, well, I almost know. We passed the 4 year antiversary of dday 1 last month.

It actually helps a little to hear you say this. Sometimes I struggle with thinking something is wrong with me that it still hurts in spite of all the wonderful work he's done, I've done and we've done.

Hugs, hun, I think of you often.

-JW

[This message edited by JustWow at 10:00 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
findingpeace
♀ New Member
Member # 28492
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,

Did I do the right thing? I was celibate for about 6 years. I was pretty okay. then a man at work appeared. He kept asking me out. Finally, I agreed. We were very compatible, the attraction was electric, the relationship progressed very rapidly. He told me he loved me! Well here‘s the catch.....what he didn‘t tell me when he asked me out was....he was married. So he then told me he was seperated and was going thru a divorce.....not! I wrote to his wife to find out the truth...of course she blamed me! He was a bit abusive towards me, and very jealous! I had nothing to hide, but he did! Anyway to make a long story short...I walked away after a year. He left me 45 voice messages, and over 50 emails professing his love. After 30 days I went back to him. I caught him cheating. He was very sneaky. I broke up again. He is a huge Liar, he watches porn constantly, masterbates.numerous sex partners, unprotected sex, cycber sex etc. was with who knows how many women while married and with me. So now four years later, I still talk to him.....he has sex on the brain...so I realized he is a Sex Addict.....it all made sense, so I read all about it, because as we have been talking, he now says he doesn‘t want a relationship, but would have sex. He won‘t ever tell me he has a girlfrined. Anyway....I just wrote to him explaining to him that he is a sex addict, not to hurt him, but because I believe he needs help! I realize that I am a co-dependent....did i do the right thing in telling him he is a sex addict and i attached all the behaviors.

Please help


Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2010
findingpeace
♀ New Member
Member # 28492
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I am posting so that I can heal from this ordeal. I know he is a sex addict because of all the behaviors, the lying, betrayel etc. but he doesn't realize it, and so I just came out and emailed him, with the list of a SA, all that he engages in. Why am I in such pain over this still.

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2010
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

findingpeace, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am new to this journey since discovery of my SO's SA only 4 weeks ago. I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Sending you peace and strength.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 Years, I have known for a long time about my H's SA (9 years ago he wrote a suicide note in which he said those words). I have known that the problem was there for most of our 18 year relationship. I don't know if the triggers ever go away. Sometimes I feel so damaged. Not just him, but FOO stuff, too. Granted he has only been in recovery for months, not years, so I don't know. Maybe the longer he is in recovery, it will get easier.

I have to say, it is pretty cool to see you posting. When I first joined SI, I learned so much by reading your posts.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

findingpeace, ultimately it doesn't matter if he is SA or not at this point. Emailing a list to him is not going to help him realize anything. I understand that you want to be helpful, but addicts need to get to the point where they are realize that they must seek help. For many addicts, this takes a crisis event. SA's can KNOW they are SA (my H has known for most of his life), but until they hit rock bottom won't do anything about it. My H tried to white knuckle, go to IC, limit himself, etc. for years. It didn't work.

Work on yourself and why you want to be with this man. You stated you were co-dependent. Start there. Go to IC, read, do whatever you need to do for yourself. His SA is not your problem at this point. Good luck.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 11th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs, JustWOw,

Thanks for saying that.

Sometimes I feel like I am just being "negative" with my SAH, when I say that I will always feel the effects of this ordeal. He feels so hurt when I say this, like it will just someday be completely invisible and gone. I just don't see that it would even be healthy to ever expect it to be "gone."

I know what you mean about that feeling that we still have even after all the work. While I can see the huge changes in my SAH, there are some areas that are still so difficult to be patient with.
Then once in a while I get that slammed-in-the-chest feeling reminding me of the surreal and painful realities of my SAH's past actions.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
living4hope
♀ Member
Member # 27556
Sad  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 12th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so thankful for having this area to post in - dealing with SA seems so much different than anything else. As I become more knowledgeable about SA I truly see my own co-dependent behaviors in the relationship! My husband has only started to break, I realize he has to be completely destroyed to begin recovery and it is so hard to be a part of.

He continues to tell me how hard he is trying and had the nerve to ask me why I can't start trusing him when after "six months he has done exactly what he is supposed to!" Well, I reminded him that for 16 years he didn't and six months is not going to fix things!

We are working with an amazing CSAT who won't accept any BS from him or me! She is working with him to create a complete disclosure of what he can "remember." She has explained to me the compartmentalization and is working at breaking down his walls.

There are many moments in a day when I just wonder why I should go through this. I do love my husband and we have two amazing children but can you EVER trust them again? Do people really recover from SA and have normal, functioning, emotional relationships? I wonder if I am not just wasting my time but I also believe that I will know if I am supposed to leave and I do not have that freedom yet.

I also realize that I have to learn to focus on me. It is so hard to look at me and not see him though. I have given everything I am to him over the past 16 years only to find it was all a lie! I believed in our marriage and was at, what I thought was, such a great place! I am struggling with the long term big picture and would love some insight from those of you who have walked this path and made it out the other side in recovery and reconciliation. I have also heard that 9 out of 10 SA's will re-offend after they start recovery - have any of you found this to be true?

Thanks for your insight and help!


BS(Me) - 44
WH - 49...died 8/28/2011
DDay1 - 11/27/2009
Dday2 - 2/2/2010
Dday3 - 6/25/2010 - 3 PA - 1+ years each, 1 year EA
Married - 14 years
Children - boy 13, girl 10

Posts: 69 | Registered: Feb 2010
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

L4H,

I've heard that 'slips' after recovery begins are common. It happened to me. WH earnestly swore that he was done with OW, how he would begin recovery; how he was determined to save our marriage. He made some efforts in that direct but then was back with OW within 6 weeks.

I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for my COSA group, 12 step work and my IC.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAH still has not hit bottom. He is still trying to say how so many things I did in our marriage hurt him deeply, and that I was not understanding of him. He has been labeled as an aggressor by his therapist, but rather than focus on that issue, has chosen to focus on my issues as the "victim" and blame my behaviors. He continues with the heavy use of porn, although I do believe the sexual contacts have stopped. It really doesn't matter. I have filed for divorce, and am no longer living with him. Every contact is excruciating, as he seems to want me to take the blame for divorcing him. Again, for him it is all about how he feels and not about the pain and trauma I have had for the past several years. Why would he do this with so much evidence about his problems? I guess he is the master of denial.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, May 24th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who don't know me, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 3 years ever since my ddays. We're R'd for the most part but we have our days where we fight over the past and I get triggers.

I've been posting on this thread on and off for the past 3 years. I've had net nanny installed on our computers. My H is in the Army and is currently deployed. He'll be coming home in a few months and I switched cell phone carriers and I have to get a cell phone for my H when he comes back. I own an iPhone and I was thinking of getting him one. To my knowledge, Net Nanny doesn't have an iPhone app. I found a parental controls app but I'm not sure how good it is. Do any of you who own an iPhone know of a good Net Nanny equivalent app? If so, I'd appreciate the info.

For obvious reasons, I won't get him an iPhone if there isn't a NN equivalent for it.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 1:06 AM, May 24th (Monday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
a13049
♀ New Member
Member # 28392
Question  Posted: 9:22 PM, May 24th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a hard time understanding a recovering SA...alcoholics are told to stop drinking entirely, but as a SA we aren't asking them to quit sex completely, right?

I first had thoughts of participating in his online cyber chats, so that I was included and it could be blended into as foreplay and not be his dirty little secret anymore...making it not shameful and still getting a healthy "fix."

I am a very sexual person as well, we haven't had a dry spell, a dry spell for us would be intercourse only once a day, plus we exchange loving/sexual email, text, and phone calls through out the day. I can't understand how he need MORE! Does all of this need to stop, how much is too much, how much is filling into his addiction? Have I been an inhibitor without knowing?

Right now we have agreed on nothing outside the relationship, ie no chatting, texts or porn unless its with me.

What measures should I be taking to help him with recovery, but still maintain my own recovery alongside him? I have so many questions, and no one to talk to!


Posts: 45 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Missouri
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not new to this forum but don't post very often...

So far my husband is doing everything that he should and I have seen drastic improvement since December.

I have met a couple of women who are/were married to SA....one just recently shared that a friend who's husband was in recovery for 5yrs just acted out again...

I have been sick since I heard that...I know it happens...

How many here have a spouse that was actively involved in recovery, doing well and they still ended up acting out?


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
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