On page 1 of this thread, there is a great list of resources for folks at the beginning of this journey. Please take advantage of as many of the resources as you can.
I responded to your thread in JFO, so I won't be redundant, except for one point that many of us here need to hear again and again in order for it to sink in -
MAKE YOUR OWN RECOVERY FROM THIS YOUR PRIORITY - his recovery is his responsibilty.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I remember those days clearly..
Your password idea sounds good, although I would just be the one that had the password, personally. Also, I'd install a keylogger without telling him, and all that other good advice that is somewhere on SI. Be sure to go look at the healing library, and read everything that everyone tells you to!
Also, if he truly is a SA, the therapist is right about the liar part. From my experience, and all that I've read, it is common for the WP to leave out details or make things sound not so bad.. they think. They don't realize that more lying makes it all worse.
May I give a word of caution? This is just my experience talking, and what I've read about other people involved with SAs.. it is not uncommon for them to say it was "only" oral or "only" a drink... That is not always accurate, although it is certainly sometimes true. I was surprised to learn, before I was on SI, that my now X would lie when he confessed. But it happens.
Not saying your partner did, but just to be aware that happens.
you will make it through this.
There is an S-Anon meeting not too far from me tomorrow night but I have this silly shyness about going into places where I don't know anyone, and couldn't get myself to do it last week. I hope to be stronger this week.
I put a 2nd call into a therapist that is an CSAT and works with the co-addicts.
No call back yet.
I'm having a rough go of it. I sort of lost it the past few days - forgot to take the necessary supplements I need to keep my calcium levels right and plummeted down. I have been on attack - emailing X over a hundred emails and texts in the last 3 or so days. Just asking that he talk to me - and tell me the truth.
I was ashamed of myself, until just now when I realized, what the heck. So what if it annoyed him. (As long as he doesn't sue me for harassment). I mean, I'm still feeling the pain of his actions. Why shouldn't he? Not that this is really an excuse, but he certainly is good at running away from consequences.
Ugh. I hate what this has done to me. I guess I should be glad to welcome the healing I will surely experience once I figure out how.
So, x finally answered my barrage of emails. he was pretty mean at first, but then i asked him what i could do to get him to help me. and, surprisingly, he agree to meet today and talk for an hour to help me get to a better resolution. he was actually ok about it. he did say he can't just "run over to see you" but has to arrange it. which means his girlfriend - of course. But he said it was just so he could "put his thoughts in order." Needs seven hours!
But none of that matters- what matters is that when he stopped ignoring me or being mean, I felt ok. That's something to work on, right there- my need for his validation.
But, then he wrote, "You had better get things in order on your end because this is a unique event and if it doesn't help you, God knows..."
So I started thinking - I do want some questions answered. BUT, if he refuses, I can't push him to answer. I don't want to get angry or have this feel bad. He might not be ready to be honest. Now or ever. Take that off the table. And maybe I am afraid I can't handle any new truth right now.
AND, I thought about wanting him to apologize for the cruel way he has treated me since he moved out - and about the nasty things his girlfriend has written. As well as the whole relationship. BUT, the very fact that he agreed to come talk is sort of an apology.
AND, since I'm still in recovery from surgery, and my brain chemistry is still off, I'm pretty fragile now. I worried that watching him leave and go home to FOW might just be too much. I don't want to end up so low that I can't function, or worse.
SO, I wrote him and said that his offer was peaceful resolution enough.
Phew. That was hard to do. But I think it was right. It feels right. I miss him too much. Seeing him can't be healthy. Right?
I am a lot like you, I hate to just show up at meetings where I dont know anyone. Esp when the topic is so personal. But I determined to go to a COSA meeting on Monday night. So...you go too. And we can both know that somewhere out there this week, someone else was thinking about us. I hope that doesnt sound corny.
Moonchild: So sorry you find yourself here. I second JustWow...you need to find your own healing. I have been working with a mostly remorseful spouse who really just cant help himself...When I de-activate or monitor one email address...he just makes another one. I have a keylogger on his computer, and I have decided to start locking mine on parental control...but it doesnt mean he cant make up a yahoo account at school...I highly encourage you find a S-Anon meeting...or a COSA group. And you both see a CSAT. SA isnt somthing that just goes away by its self...
More later...at work...I have to medicate a patient. :)
The most important thing you can do...is heal yourself. Become the healthiest person you can be. I have been genuinely suprised at how much of who I am today is a reaction to living with an addict. (double addict really since he is a gaming addict as well as a SA.)
For WH and I...this is the last chance. He gets therapy and attends 12 step programs and gives it an honest effort...when it comes time to have our "full disclosure" with our CSAT therapist...it better really be all of the whole truth about his SA and his financial infidelity (he has siphoned $2000 or so from his unemployment and Student loan cards that I accidentally found out about).
If after full disclosure I discover even 1 tiny thing that he tried to hide or minimize...and thats it!.
I'll be frank and say the only reason Im still willing to try is b/c we have a 2 year old daughter and a baby on the way...
Please post here often...I have just started my healing journey really in the last month or so...before that I was living in denial land.
More later...at work...I have to medicate a patient. :)
I had to laugh at this, because here I am at work (looking at charts), lurking on SI.
We attended a 2nd RCA meeting. The group was a bit smaller, and it went ok. I think I will give it a little more time. We are also going to start Recovery Nation. I have seen a lot of positive change on my H's part, and am feeling pretty optimistic that this time it is for real. He really is doing the hard work and focusing on recovery. It is hard to describe, but his personality is different. He describes it as clarity, that he doesn't have all the extra "noise" of the addiction in his life. I like him a whole lot better lately than I have in many years. I don't feel any need to try and manage his recovery, because he is owning it himself. That in itself is huge for a co-dependent control freak like me, lol.
I also feel so much calmer than I have in a long time. Both my H and our kids have noticed this. I have been working on me, setting boundaries, and taking back my life. I separated from my FOO. It was difficult and caused a lot of anxiety, but I was enmeshed in a very unhealthy relationship with my parents. Ahh, the beginnings of codependency, the FOO. It is a long story, but my parents were unwilling to respect my boundaries to the point that it was causing my own kids anxiety. I have been working on issues with my IC. I still am not involved in a group of any kind, which is kind of disappointing. I would like to get involved in a group like S-Anon or COSA; there just aren't any in my area. My therapist is supposed to be starting a group for partners of SA (from the CSAT's practice), but just keeps putting it off due to scheduling conflicts of the other women involved.
I really learn a lot from all of you sharing. Even though I don't post a lot (slow nights at work are rare), I do lurk, and appreciate all the good advice and fellowship on this thread.
Hehe...we dont get too many slow nights here either. Its been a bit slow in Mother/baby land the last week.
I have done some of recovery nation and have found it helpful. I am kind of slow. I try to really think about the questions in the lesson part. I got hung up on one question recently. But some of them have really made me think.
Glad to hear your H is having some good progress. I guess I am too close to the most recent/perpetual Dday to feel like my H is ever going to recover.
I realized tonight that I find myself hoping he'll really screw up big time so I can leave him and not feel guilty...and other times I really really want him to get better b/c I hope there is some of the person I thought he was in there, somewhere.
But I promise I'll got Monday Feb 15. (which is also the day of my next OB appointment where I have to do the GTT and drink that nasty orange stuff. I hear the grape flavor tastes better, but my OBs only have orange.)
[This message edited by debbied at 5:22 AM, February 14th (Sunday)]
I mean... when did all of this become NORMAL! This is my normal life...what does he have to do before I will consider that he really screwed up? Bang some Whore on the balconey while the kids watch through the window?
I think somthing that scares me, is that as I become healthier, I will realize that only Co-addiction is keeping me married to him. How does a healthy person want to be with someone who does these kinds of things. And even if we both get healthy, can I really even forgive him for the emotional hell I have been through in the last 18 months-2years.
Sigh...it just makes me feel like as I get healthier, I just wont be able to stay in such an unhealthy relationship. And it breaks my heart that my kids are likely to grow up in a divorced family.
Any...just felt like sharing.
I feel the same as you. In the last few weeks I searched unsuccessfully hoping to find that final betrayal that provides me with a get out of M free card. I just want the pain to be over with. In December I decided to give my husband a chance to recover for the sake of the kids. Only time will tell if I'm just postponing the inevitable. In the meantime I'm working my recovery. In resonse to one of your earlier posts, I love my COSA group. You'll never have a more supportive and inviting group than those who know just how you feel.
I am planning to go the COSA group in my area on Monday, though it still feels weird. I was very shy as a kid, and some of that still lingers. And I am planning to take DD to church with me Sunday night. (I work nights and need an evening church.) WH can come if he wants, or stay home or go to SA meeting...dont really care. I have been really wanting to go to church and its been a really long time since I went regularly.
My latest JFO post with all the gory details is here:
After discovering a "traditional" affair that had gone on for over a year, I went into PI mode and was shocked to disciver a 4 year old AFF account as well as a secret yahoo acct in which he was having very explcit chats with women, men, TVs etc. He is also texting some of the people he I meeting through this site.
There were not any signs H was either a SA or gay that I could see. He was as straight as an arrow, a cop, never a hint of any homosexual tendencies - I still am like "this can't be true, he can't be gay" but then I read his chats with men and trannies as well as other women and I just start shaking uncontrollably. During one of his chats with a cross-dresser s/he sent my H photos where s/he was wearing nothing but a loose knit fishnet body stocking. The next day I saw a women in the cafeteria wearing a perfectly normal pair of netted black tights with her business suit and I almost collaspes on the spot. I can't get the images and the graphic converations out of my head - I am not sure I ever will. I thought the triggers I had when I only knew about his LTA with a female coworker were bad, but nothing compares to this...The worst part is that I am collecting more evidence everyday and plan to confront him next week and begin the D process, so in the meantime I am having to act normal and pleasant, as if I was still trying to R, sitting down at the dinner with him and my 2 kids (4 and 1 yo) and making pleasant converation. I must be doing what they call "compartamentalizing."
A few weeks ago, I told him that his A with his female coworker was the worst thing that had or probably ever would happen to me in my life...how wrong I was.
Get yourself a copy of Mending a Shattered Heart by Stephanie Carnes. It s a good resource for partners of SA's anyway, but there is an entire chapter (#9 I think) that taks about straight men SA's acting out with other men and how they arent gay, aren't attracted to men, but act out in their addiction this way.
On the first page of this thread, there is a post by 7yrsbetrayed that has a list of really good resources for "newbies" to SA, to help you learn and most importantly, to help you take care of yourself.
Get the book. It'll help with a lot. If you H is SA, it is likely he has been since adolesence, and probably has a whole life of m-bating and acting out that you could not have begun to know about. SA thrives because the addicts are masters at secrecy and preserving their addiction. Its pretty dumbfounding when you realize how reality has been so different than you have perceived. Don't let that make you doubt yourself. All his behavior was designed for you never to perceive it.
Welcome to our little corner of SI.
[This message edited by JustWow at 1:12 PM, February 11th (Thursday)]
My IC (our CSAT) made the comment that many spouses of SA require that the SA take a polygraph after the formal disclosure. I was wondering if it worked for you. And just b/c you decided that he was telling the truth up to that point (if he was...)how on earth did you trust him in the future?
My H has lied to from day 1. (his first lie was "Im divorced...") (Yeah...that should have been enough...but until you put all the pieces together...its just a random solitary messup.) (He WAS seperated...his wife was 8 hours away...but still...)If you have never been given the truth your whole marriage...how would you ever beleive your spouse again? Even with a poly...you cant take a poly every night before bed...
If my WH is SA Does it mean that he can never say no to sex.
My reason for this question is because the last OW I know my H saw.He didn't have sex with her.He could have but because he says he was starting to feel bad he couldn't.They had oral prior to this and it seems that she did complete the act on him.
Also with some of the OW he found it difficult to get it up with.