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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChooseJoy:
I'm sorry your H is deciding to manage/enjoy/wallow in his addiction. What ever his rock bottom is, he apparently hasn't found it.

Good for you for defining and defending your boundaries. It takes strength to do so, but you probably already see how much more manageable your life is when it is not enmeshed in his addiction.

You might want to look for an S-Anon (the spouses group) or a COSA group near you. I really find (when I actually drag my behind there, it's been a while) that it really helps to break the isolation to talk with people IRL who have gone or are going through the same poopstorm.

Welcome to our little corner of SI.

[This message edited by JustWow at 10:01 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year - my wish for all of us.

May we know our worth.

May we defend our boundaries.

May we find serenity, peace and joy in our lives.

2009 has been an absolute doozy for us. Between the HB baby's spinal surgery and H cancer and ongoing chemo, oh, and all the SA and A recovery schtuff, I can say - bring on the new year.

We've grown and learned a lot this year, may next year's growing come with a fewer number of growing pains!!

Blessings to all.....

-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said JustWow.

Thank you!

I second your sentiment.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
Weeble
♀ New Member
Member # 27005
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I'm a new member of your club... D-Day was yesterday and I am still a mess. I could write pages right now but it's all a jumble. I have been reading and wanted to say that I am glad I found you.


DDay: 12/30/09
Mine: 39yo BS
His: 40yo WS/SA
Ours: beloved small child

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2009
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Weeble)))

Glad you found us.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Weeble.

Glad you found us.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
PixieDust
♀ Member
Member # 21842
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, January 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Weeble and ChooseJoy

Happy New Year all!


Me(38): FWW/BW
Him(33): FBH/WH
Married: 6 years
DD(2), DS (8mo)DS in heaven
Status: Learning a bunch of new letters: SA, SAA, CSAT and COSA. How fun.

Posts: 150 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
ChooseJoy
♀ New Member
Member # 26955
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome----

I am going to see if there is a support group in my area. I am in a very rural location, and so the teleconference book study worked very well for me last year, and I did have the company of others who are in a similar situation.

After finding this group this past week, and re-reading "Codependent No More", I have resolved to do whatever it takes to separate myself from this muck.

My WS has not been able to "pay his way" for nearly the last year. I--in my co-dependent fog, have found every excuse possible to enable him. I gave him grace due to the fact that he had lost his father, was locked into an apartment much too rich for his lifestyle after he lost his job, and just didn't want to face his wrath if I withdrew financial support....etc. etc. etc.

This morning I told him that I had set up my own bank account.......hardest thing I have ever done, but as many of you have said, I must abandon the outcome, and in my case, I am ready to turn it over to the Lord, and know that all will work out for the best.

How wonderful to have a place to voice challenges, frustrations, and ultimately-victory in finally making choices that will benefit our families, our health and peace for our souls.......


Me:52 definition of co-dependent
Him:56 born for self indulgence
Married 34yrs
3 grown children
porn/dating sites/im other women, etc. etc. etc.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Texas
Weeble
♀ New Member
Member # 27005
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. Hope everyone is doing well. WH has agreed to go to counseling and told me more painful truths this morning. I'm glad he did but is still hurts. He has also been over to Carnes' website and taken the tests. So far it's confirming what I already knew. I've been reading Codependent No More while I'm waiting for Mending a Shattered Heart to arrive.


DDay: 12/30/09
Mine: 39yo BS
His: 40yo WS/SA
Ours: beloved small child

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2009
Weeble
♀ New Member
Member # 27005
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, January 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question. Everything I am reading about infidelity is that for reconciliation to work they have to give the BS open access to everything - keyloggers, passwords, phone records - all of it. But everything I know about addition says that the person who loves an addict needs to detach. Stop looking at what they are doing and focus on yourself. How does this work for us?

I don't trust him and based on his behavior, I shouldn't. But yet, I suppose I have to make the choice to trust him so that I can focus on taking care of myself and our child. if he then screws this up, we will all live with the consequences - he will leave.

This stuff is really hard.


DDay: 12/30/09
Mine: 39yo BS
His: 40yo WS/SA
Ours: beloved small child

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2009
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, January 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have total access. I don't choose to look very often. But I do from time to time and he knows I can at any time. You have to do enough to feel safe, but keep the focus on you. You cannot control what he does. He has to choose sobriety.

For instance, you have a small child, who eventually will be using the computer. You have to make sure there will never be a time that the child will be exposed to inappropriate images. So you either choose to do without internet access, or have a STRONG filter on that computer and it is kept in a very public place.

If you can, get to a 12 step program. The support you find there is valuable. We aren't all about blaming the "coaddict" or even the addict. It is about healing the wound that addiction causes in the family. And you need support to do that.
Hugs to you and your child. That's where your focus needs to be.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weeble - this is all really hard. I personally have told WH that he must give me all his passwords and such (I have actually given up on checking them), and do not give him access to all of mine. The reason I don't give him all access is b/c (1)He uses it against me. (2)I have done absolutely nothing to betray him or our M.

My actions may be wrong however he has not shown actions that he is committed to R or committed to healing his addiction which he has self diagnosed.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
Weeble
♀ New Member
Member # 27005
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your replies. ScardyCat - I was pretty much thinking what you said. I offered my passwords, he has never used them against me, but he says he does not need them.

There are SA groups here and he says he will go. There are no Anon groups, so I will go online. I will also be getting an IC.

No matter what happens, my child and I will be okay. I can do this alone. I don't want to, but I know that I am strong enough to.

Thanks.


DDay: 12/30/09
Mine: 39yo BS
His: 40yo WS/SA
Ours: beloved small child

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2009
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weeble;
Recon is where two healthy people try to rebuld an M into a healthy, fullfilling, mature relationship. Doing this takes TWO healthy people. Most SA's aren't realy ready for the work of recon, until they have made substantial progress in their SA recovery program. They just don't have the sobriety or the healthy coping skills necessary to do it.

The trick, IMO, to stay with them until they are ready to R, is to assume they aren't trustworthy. Its a bit safer and probably more practical. You keep yourself safe from ore harm, and your M safe from more harm, if you detach from the disease - sometimes that means the person, too - that realy depends upon your relationship dynamics and what level of involement is safe for you to have with your SA before he gets sober and into recovery.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
PixieDust
♀ Member
Member # 21842
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have keyloggers on our computers more to give WH a little backbone, so to speak. He knows they are on there, and he knows if he looks at porn or emails a prostitute, that I will see it. We have our first counseling appointment on Jan 20. The keyloggers are helping him to be strong when he hasnt started aquiring the tools to be strong by himself.
Of course, really all he has done is fall back to his OTHER addiction, which is computer gaming. He is off school now, till Jan 19 and as far as I can tell, he plays Dragon Age 8 hours a day. which, yes is better than sex with random strangers, but any addiction is hurtful to a marriage and family. We'll address that in therapy too, at some point.
So anyway, I try really hard to be detached from the outcome, but its hard. Im 21 weeks pregnant, and I work 12 hour shifts. Im exhausted all the time, so I tend to have to rely on him more than I want. but I am detaching from his SA outcome as much as I can. As far as I know, he hasnt read any books, nor has he gone to a 2nd SAA meeting. But at least he is seeing a counselor. And I have made it clear that its up to him, but I dont beleive that he can cure this himself, he tried and failed already, so if he doesnt see a counselor and go to meetings, then I will assume that he is still a practicing sex addict.

Pixiedust


Me(38): FWW/BW
Him(33): FBH/WH
Married: 6 years
DD(2), DS (8mo)DS in heaven
Status: Learning a bunch of new letters: SA, SAA, CSAT and COSA. How fun.

Posts: 150 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
Troi
♀ Member
Member # 24513
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello.

From all my investigating, my gut tells me I belong here even though our MC said FWSO is not SA. According to the form she had him fill out. Which i think he lied on. After all he is still lying about everything he has done in our past together.

Currently he is not doing porn, sex sites, or other women. Since I think he is SA without being treated it is possible he will fail in his self-imposed "sobriety". He denies he is SA.

I am going to learn what I can from the wonderful people here and I will keep watching what he does. There is no way he will get "real" help unless he falls down the slope again and I catch him. I cannot prove without a doubt what I think he did in the past, therefore without proof he will not believe me. Just like all the other lies I caught him in.

Deny deny deny.

Thank you in advance.


me BS-39
him WS-42
2004-2009 our relationship was a lie
D-Day 2/25/2009
R..is going great!

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: St. Louis, MO
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I hope your New Year brings you healing and joy to some degree.

So update: Hubby has displayed every level of sex addiction that I can see...he has been hiding his blackberry again and I searched (lost my own sobriety of codepend)and found it in the garage in an OLD jacket pocket. He hid it there that evening as he had it earlier in his possession.

I couldn't think that it was anything more then "OW" again and then I opened it and he had deleted most everything except his internet and I found tons and tons of Men looking for threesome ,,,married woman,,,,one night stands,,,,exotic sex encounters etc.....

I figured he was at something again because he has been :acting out, with me if that makes sense...like we are having sex again but not intimate,,more playful, he brought toys in and stuff like that...

he can't seem to be close to me in bed any more ,,,emotionally like he use to. He is all about filling his need so to speak and although he takes care of me ,,,it is as though he is acting out?? He isn't "loving me" if that makes sense to anyone.

So I didn't tell him about the blackberry as I broke my healthy process,,,,I did get an addiction (sex) counselor to see ..told him that I was going to heal and that HIS sexual acting out bothered me and it was My problem to fix and he didn't deny and he didn't get crazy,,,

he tried to blame me once and I told him that if he has a problem with me then it is his problem to decide what to do about it just like I am doing so basically "if someone else is my problem, my problem is me",,,

that means I can fix me and feel better,,,he was blown away,,,,,he said if he was "honest" can you imagine, that my 12 step recovery group was ruining our marriage and I said well if we are speaking honestly,,,

your acting out sexually is doing the same so we are at a crossroads. He was stunned. He still didn't deny. He then proceeded to go off on how he wants to see this counselor to tell her how torutred he was by living with me and what he has had to tolerate with my family,,,etc etc and

I told him that he needed to address that with someone else as I didn't hold him down with a knife and force him to stay and if he had anyone to blame for it, it was himself and he had to take his own responsiblity just as I am doing for staying with a man who acts out sexually,,again blown away,,,then he tried the YOU HATE ME thing and I said no I don't hate you I love you,,,

I hate what you do,,,so we ended it with that,,he went on his trip,,,I am having a hard day because my head wants to take off with the what ifs but I am trying not to...I am seeing the Sex coun. tomorrow and we will go from there,,,she is also in 12 step recovery/God I married a sex addict,,,

NOW WHAT? I am so afraid and am having trouble staying in this day,,,I keep thinking oh my god he is acting out and I have to leave but that isn't the case,,,right?

I can get well first? Today I can just fix my own brokenness yet I am terrified and am full of anxiety....once again,,,,,yet I feel numb and I am not afraid of the acting out like I use to be,,,I dont' care like I use tooo,,,I actually have some compassion for him and his disease..although I don't want him to do it,,,I can't help him,,,and it isn't so threatening to me today,,why? I just don;t care as much maybe,,,,indifferent a little maybe ?????? I am not even threatened as much by her possibly being around or being fooled again..who cares,,she isn't the problem,,,,if not her,,,someone else..she just was the first to snare his emotions a little,,,
he is so scared,,I can feel it,,,he keeps telling me he loves me and holds me and says he is afraid I hate him but he WILL NOT admit he has a problem,,nor will he deny,,interesting crossroads,,it is like I realize that i can end it whenever I am ready! I am not trapped any more then he is....... ANYONE????????

[This message edited by itspersonal at 3:25 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well ladies I'm back. I'm sure most of you don't remember me from the Fall 2008 but some of your names look familiar to me.

In short my H is a SA period. He doesn't see it but there's no way around it. He can't get away from the internet porn and contacting women. It all began again about 2 months ago. All the sudden the internet history was getting erased again. I knew something was wrong. But he kept saying it was for my birthday present and then Christmas present. And you know the story. After 5 times of these excuses it was too much for me and I exploded. Then it was my fault and he wasn't doing anything wrong. So I figured I was going crazy and let it go.

Then on New Years Day I was surfing the web and went to go to my favorite craft website and noticed a site in the address bar. The site was for internet video chat.

I quickly stopped dead in my tracks. I could feel my heart racing. I swallowed and said to him that I wasn't snooping but that I had innocently (and it truly was innocent) came across this site. He said he had no idea where it came from (again I'm sure you all know this story). Then I decided to dig deeper in to the history. To find that he has been spending hours upon hours surfing porns sites.

He's gotten good at leaving the history alone but deleting individual entries in to the history. And even on the address bar. I have had Google Chrome installed for months and knew that I could import the history and see the dates and times of each visit.

I was so shocked! Why was I shocked? No idea. I shouldn't be so stupid. Then the topper came for me when I noticed he had been searching through personal ads on Criag's List (again) and on Yahoo! personals.

I lost it! Completely. He begged me to stay. I agreed to stay for the weekend. Then I agreed to stay for now.

Now I'm reading a new book (Hope after Betrayal) which is helping me to see what I need to do for me. I'm just feeling so out of control, empty, angry, and well just about everything but happy with my life right now.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to see that you are back but glad there is this place for you to go. I have no words of wisdom but I do know that I found out that my hubby was searching craigslist on his blackberry,,,pages and pages,,,I must be an innocent here as I don't know what they would do with that but I guess call and do the deeds. How do you find out if they post etc if they are using blackberries? You can't!,,,my hubby also went to payphones so there you have it,,,if they want to do it and they cannot face it,,they find a way,,,they are masters at hiding! I am so sorry,,,,take care of you


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspersonal - Your right they will find a way to act out any way they can. I considered shutting the internet off at home but seriously he'd just find another way to act out. This is nothing new to me or to him. I just have to take care of me and the rest will fall in to place.

I'm sorry you and all of us are facing these issues. I wish marriage was like it is on TV or in books but it's not like that. Not really for anyone but it would be nice if it resembled it at all right now.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
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