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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

moreroses - can you PM me the information. I have a very personal reason for needing to know this.
Thanks


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
moreroses
♀ Member
Member # 26283
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, there is horrible things out there, the porn world is not an innocent place.


BW;Me
DDay;2-14-08 when former ow decided to enlighten me about previous A
marriage rebuilt, felt rebuilt at 2 1/2 yrs out
long marriage with 4 kids

"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong


Posts: 1399 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone understand sexual anorexia and if so can you explain this. My FWH is doing EVERYTHING RIGHT and is working so hard at healing US. He is loving, attentative, non judgemental, supportive (although gets scared when I bring it up that I am reverting back to old thinking) Happy, hopeful, giving, excited to see me etc..however
He can't keep his hands off of me when we sleep, and he always wants to be close to me physically but he has no sexual desire and he is actually having trouble touching me sexually. I am wondering now that it has been 5 months since 2nd d-day if there is something I can do to help and what this might be. He is def. indifferent to OW now and I know affair is done. He is Def. out of the fog.
I need help as I miss our intimate times so deeply but I don't understand his rejection of it. We talk about it and it just pressures him so I am asking anyone out there that may have experience this to help!
Thanks so much


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itspersonal, have you read Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sexual anorexia is a total distaste or fear of anything sexual. It is totally avoiding sex, in any form. Even talking about it may make one uncomfortable.

I researched this when I was going thru my stuff with my SA, as he had absolutely no interest in me, for years and years. But, he was not sexually anorexic, as he was acting out and masturbating in private.

He was just plain sexually addicted, preferring sex with himself or strangers in order to avoid the emotional intimacy that sex with a loving partner usually demands.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to jump into this conversation, there are, unfortunately, so many of us traumatized by this illness. Referring to the REASONS that SAs find to cheat, whether with real people or virtually, I'm reminded of info given to me when I was quite young and trying to make sense of my mother's alcoholism. "An alcoholic will find a reason to drink whenever and wherever they want" Same with every addict. They don't need a real excuse. It is an illness, a disease, but the impact it has on the partners is so much more damaging than any other addiction.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just ordered the book today. I feel so confused because in every way thru the years we have had wonderful sex. Then affair enters and no more. He wants to hug, snuggle etc like I am his best friend but no sex or real kissing etc, He loves me I can tell. I think he has been an addict in one way or another for years (sex addict i mean) however his affair crossed the line for him and he shut down. I am ready to begin the process of giving up and I am so sad. I believe I love him and he me but I cannot/will not live a life of celibacy and it has been over a year since we have had real good sex..,,other then that 4 times in this year and it wasn't close it was uncomfortable. Something has changed drastically and I hate this new way of living. I want back what we had but I think it is really gone. How can he shut down like this? Every week that goes by I am shutting him out more and more and i have told him I need that closeness but he just isn't interested. Every other way he is wonderful but this is big for me. The reason I think he is an addict (porn,calls to sex lines, singles stuff, swingin stuff, etc etc all our marriage, rubbers in car, I could go on and on but the line he crossed ruined him and that was the affair). I saw it progressing but never wanted to really see it until now., I have so much compassion for him but I cannot live in a world alone and without intimacy of the most important kind. I believe his shame has shut him down,,he tries to blame me but it isn't me,,I finally realized this,,,it is him. I am so so sad...any comments would be appreciated. Is there anything I can do to help him in the anorexia? I work my 12 step program on this and I am doing my best to not be co dependant but I am getting desperate for that closeness....help!

[This message edited by itspersonal at 12:36 AM, December 12th (Saturday)]


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
moreroses
♀ Member
Member # 26283
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspersonal: This is a place to share and to share support and ideas. I have to say something here. It's extremely important you work this out and become sexually active together again. During our 'dry spell'. and that is what I'll call it, 2 things happended to me although I did not know it then. First, I started to become less sensual. From the lack of sex I was becoming more asexual.And you don't feel good about yourself when this happens.We started to argue about stupid stuff.Someone is absolutely right when they said,'I was not happy. " That's SO TRUE no matter what hour age is sex is important for our sensuality, our sexual identity. Secondly, as the years went by, after that period was over for us. I came to feel resentment of having been deprived of a sex life for YEARS. Sex is important for our identity, our self worth. Even if you are busy or having other fun don't neglect your sexual side, it's so important. I can only say this now as this is over for me and we are having wonderful relations now. But this is something you 2 have to work out and the sooner the better, FOR YOUR HEALTH!If someone had told me this way back when I was so busy with the kids and our sex life had petered out (for whatever reasons) I may not have believed them. BUT NOW, as I have this resentment about what I was deprived of......I just wih I had know back then. This HAS to be worked out for you and soon. Also, I just wanted to suggest maybe changing the atmosphere may help. Instead of he approaching you try approaching him and add other dimentions to it. For us we do things like go shopping for sexy things for me together, he picks out things for me, we make a date of it, have a martini out after we go to the mall on our sexy date. We go shopping for little things lke intimate oils or candles together. We discuss and make a big deal of it. These things all act to enhance our sex life.

[This message edited by moreroses at 6:27 AM, December 12th (Saturday)]


BW;Me
DDay;2-14-08 when former ow decided to enlighten me about previous A
marriage rebuilt, felt rebuilt at 2 1/2 yrs out
long marriage with 4 kids

"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong


Posts: 1399 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itspersonal,

Has your H been diagnosed as SA? He sounds like one. Is he willing to explore the fact that he may be a SA with a CSAT? Is he in counseling? This sounds like something that needs to be explored there. SA is definitely a cause for sexual anorexia, but not the only cause.

I can definitely relate to the things you are saying. When my H was acting out his addiction, he always wanted to cuddle and hold hands, but sex was off the table. He just couldn't perform. I felt that resentment about living in a sexless marriage, too. Are you sure he isn't acting out with porn or any other outlet? Wanting to blame you sounds like he is acting out. If he is a SA and is not sober, he may not be able to be intimate with you, as NaiveAgain stated.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An update to my situation.....

While my H was at his SAA meeting Monday, I snooped in his computer and found a slip from 2 weeks ago that was directly related to our d-day in September. I hadn't been checking up on him, but just had that feeling. Part of it may have been my own bad day at work, and that I went back into an old co-dependent habit of checking up on him. I engaged him in a non-confrontational manner and we talked pretty extensively about it. I was pretty upset, but I tried not to react emotionally as I might have done in the past, and stated that I was not shaming him or trying to control him, but simply setting some boundaries to protect myself.

As a consequence of our discussion, he ended up giving me a full disclosure. I think I handled it very well. My imagination was far worse than the actual facts. Yes, there were a lot of bad things that he has engaged in over the years, and it was hard to read some of it, but I am a person who likes the truth, so for me it felt better to just finally get it out there and start over. I told him not to hold anything back, that I was a big girl and could take it. I also told him that no matter what has happened, if he did not give me the full truth, I would leave him over trickle truth or lies of omission. I did ask him specific questions, and he did answer them truthfully. I know this because there have been things I have found out through the years and not told him that I knew. When I asked about those situations, his answers lined up with the knowledge I already had. He also told me how he was able to get away with some of the things he has done, to destroy the secrecy. He had very elaborate methods to ensure his addiction remained hidden. He told me that he has been manipulative and a liar. When he saw his CSAT later on in the week, he was amazed that he had attempted a full disclosure on his own, because he usually waits and guides couples through that.

On Thursday I met my new IC. I liked her a lot. In January I am going to join her therapy group for wives of SA's. We talked about my H's SA, where I was in my personal life, and what I thought I needed to do next. I told her that the most important thing I can do now is to take care of myself, and she was excited that I picked that answer. So, for the next 2 weeks, I am going to work on getting adequate sleep (more than 5 hours a day) and getting some exercise. I have felt so empty and numb for so long that I know it is time to start working on me. She also told me that there are not any good 12 step groups for codependents around. I asked about Al-Anon, and she said that I should try a couple of meetings and see what I thought.

I think it was a pretty productive week.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your ever so helpful responses. No he has not been diagnosed however the signs are there.
Am I certain? No but then it is up to him to name it not me. He does not want counseling,,,he thinks it messes him up more. The affair changed him. He became so upset with himself and his "failure" that he has shut down. I think he wants terribly to feel the feelings but the longer time goes on the worse it is getting for both of us just like you said. He is losing me and I can't help it. I feel it! I am slipping away and he says he doesn't understand why "sex" is so important to me,,,hearing that from a man that almost lost everything to have affair sex is very confusing. I am into self protection mode so I am backing away. I am shutting off all feelings and I am so sad. I am loving and warm but daily I see "me" leaving "us". I will try to be sexual with him again but the rejection after dealing with an affair and such pain is very very difficult. He does whatever it takes to make seduction hard. ie: and this may sound bizarre but he will pass gas when I get too close in that AREA or whatever it takes. It is weird to me,,,he pulls away and avoids my body parts that are sexual,,,he denies it but I feel it. i an a very sensual person ,,,that is my love language and he isn't giving me that so I am shrinking.,sad and sorrowful...I don't show it on the outside but inside I am melting. I will try again,,but I am giving up ,,,if I could just understand and if he could speak truth. He may be doing himself what I could do for him,,,it wouldn't be the first time but he never took from "us" in the process. I know he isn't Asexual,,,that is not who he is. I haven't found evidence really but I feel that he is happier keeping it simple and doing himself. It is a gut instinct from history. If there is any other advice out there,,,please help! I am not sure if I can do this much longer and truthfully am waiting until after christmas..I have my own timetable for change and healing and it isn't happening. It is sad because
he says he is being loving and doing everything right yet he ignores his lack of desire,,,he pretends that what he is doing (hugging, loving words etc) is enough but it isn't and he says he doesn't get that but I think he does. He is dead to me in this area I think,,,he either left that part of him with the AP and has lost it for me or he is really messed up and I can't understand...either way,,,it is killing me/us.
Thank you ,,,all of you for being here.

[This message edited by itspersonal at 12:56 PM, December 12th (Saturday)]


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA:

I researched this when I was going thru my stuff with my SA, as he had absolutely no interest in me, for years and years. But, he was not sexually anorexic, as he was acting out and masturbating in private.
He was just plain sexually addicted, preferring sex with himself or strangers in order to avoid the emotional intimacy that sex with a loving partner usually demands.

True. I first thought my partner was sexual anorexic,too, in the beginning. Turns out the ex was satisfying himself so much he couldn't and din't want to be with me (mentally and physically tired I suppose). The book will make it clear sex addiction and sexual anorexia are not the same even though they may hold some of the same core beliefs.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itspersonal,

Ok, IF he is SA (and for now we will just go with the assumption although the diagnosis can only be made by a professional), and he is masturbating then he is acting out his addiction and he is not going to be intimate with you. Honestly, I focused on the lack of sex and how I could change it with quantity and quality and all the ideas for seduction. Guess what? If he is SA, it doesn't work!!! It is just focusing on a SYMPTOM of the disease, and doesn't change it.

SA is VERY different from situations where a man has a mid-life crisis affair. SA is a compulsion that usually begins in childhood, is progressive in nature, and shrouded in secrecy and isolation. The majority of SA's had traumatic and abusive childhoods, and the SA became their coping mechanism. There are some good books by Carnes out there if you want to know more about it.

You need to decide what you can and cannot live with and what the pros and cons are of staying with a SA (if he is one). If he will not get help, he may manage his addiction, but will not break free of it. My H thought he didn't need help and that he could deal with it too for years. Well, he was wrong! It was not until he got into some legal trouble in September and almost lost everything that he finally decided to get help. I have known he was a SA for 7 years, and that something was wrong for even longer.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So if he is an SA why was sex life so great prior to affair and now it is void?,,,he had a MLC affair so it is confusing to me. I am lost as to what I am dealing with. any thoughts?


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspersonal - you are right, intimacy is a very important part of a love relationship. Otherwise, you basically have a partnership.

He may simply have too much guilt from his acting out to be able to have sex with you, but from reading several of your posts, I am suspecting he is just being a sex addict. And it is hard for them to have intimacy with the one they love.

You said he won't get counseling (good counseling will NOT just mess him up more, sometimes things get worse before they get better, as people start dealing with the trauma that started this vicious circle.) Plus, he needs a CSAT. Other counselors may not be equipped to address the very specific illness of sex addiction.

You said he is blaming you. That is "blameshifting/projecting". He is in denial, and not willing to admit he needs help.

Also, he is using the affair to keep the emotional distance from you, and not deal with the true issue. All those other things, dating sites, sex lines, swinging stuff, that is all just as bad as the affair. (Maybe not in your eyes, but in the eyes of a sex addict, they are one and the same.) They call acting out like that something like "porn with the skin "

If he is true SA, he did not have an emotional connection with his AP. He may have made her believe they did, as they can be very manipulative to get what they want. Or, there is a chance he may have a love addiction as well as a sex addiction. Sometimes, those two can occur in the same person.

Your H is not getting sober, he is not seeking recovery, he is still in denial.

What is important right now is you. Keeping working your 12 steps. Decide what your boundaries will be, and then stick with them. As far as intimacy with your H....that is your decision. Since he is not in recovery, any time you are intimate with him, it would be a good idea to use protection to protect against STD's. I would not have sex with mine when I found out he was still acting out. That was my decision, and yes, I did miss the intimacy, but I realized, I never really had it with him anyway. Educating myself opened my eyes, because my WS was terribly selfish in the sex area, if we had it, it was all about him, and I could tell he was fantasizing. That did not make me feel good, so I quit with him.

Hang in there!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
PixieDust
♀ Member
Member # 21842
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi...thought I would update, even though it hasnt been very long.
Mr Pixie made an appointment with a CSAT. She wants to see both of us together at the first appointment. There were only 2 CSATs on my insurance and the other one had a full practice. I hope we like her. The appointment isnt till the end of Jan though, b/c she is having knee surgery this week.
Mr Pixie also went to a SAA meeting tonight. He plans to go again, but didnt really talk about much. I guess they arent supposed to talk about what other people share at the meetings, which I understand.
He is limping through Out of the Shadows. He isnt much of a reader, truthfully. But he doesnt have school until Jan, so I hope he'll read it.
I have been doing some of the recoverynation exercises and reading Mending a Shattered Heart. I am thinking about going to a COSA meeting.
I know all of this will take time...but its hard not to secretly want Mr Pixie to come home and say..."I went to the meeting and Im cured! Lets go get coffee." I hate not knowing how all this will turn out. And even in the best possible ending...its like being an alcoholic...youre never really cured.
Just wanted to update.
Pixie


Me(38): FWW/BW
Him(33): FBH/WH
Married: 6 years
DD(2), DS (8mo)DS in heaven
Status: Learning a bunch of new letters: SA, SAA, CSAT and COSA. How fun.

Posts: 150 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know all of this will take time...but its hard not to secretly want Mr Pixie to come home and say..."I went to the meeting and Im cured! Lets go get coffee."

Pixie-
I know. The first year I was in lala land because we got pregnant. The second year was in interesting one. Everything hit right at the 1 year mark. Then I was pissed..We're STILL dealing with this crap? Then at 18 months I was able to forgive my husband. At two years, we pretty much had a new relationship. In February of 2010, it will be 3 years since d-day. (March of 2010 my husband will have been sober for 3 years.) Now, MOST days it just seems like a bad dream. (But I was also "lucky" in that my husband's addiction had not yet escalated to physical cheating.)

I hate not knowing how all this will turn out. And even in the best possible ending...its like being an alcoholic...youre never really cured.

I know. It was an adjustment to go from thinking our marriage would last forever to our marriage is good for today, only, and tomorrow can bring something else.

I think of living with my husband as taking a calculated risk. I'm always doing the benefits and costs of living with him. So far, the benefits outweigh the costs. Should we get to the point where being married invites too much risk into my life, I'll rely on my boundaries to get me through.

My husband had a real hard time getting through out of the shadows. He isn't particularly a "textbook" addict. (Ie, his parents were emotionally cold to him, but there was no abuse, etc.), so he had a hard time relating to it. He also had a hard time figuring WHEN to read the book. It wasn't good for him to read it by me...I'd be looking over his shoulder. Reading it in front of our oldest was not an option (a beginning reader). And it's not the sort of book one reads on the bus either..But, my husband did finish it.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for your posts. I am not sure what it is I am dealing with but I am also not sure I can continue with a sexless marriage. I guess it is time to reevaluate my own life and decide what is acceptable to me. Thanks again


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this question in General but thought the experts here might be able to help me too :)

I struggle with this daily, sometimes hourly. I think STBX has a personality disorder and a sexual addiction. He refuses to continue counseling so I don't have a firm diagnosis.
We are separated and divorce has been filed. Just waiting until after Christmas to finalize it. He tells me he wants me back every couple of days or so. I am not interested in returning to the relationship. We have 2 small kids together. He had an EA a couple of years ago and there are probably other things that I don't even know about.

The problem is I cannot stop checking up on him. It is so not healthy. I have all of this e-mail, phone passwords, etc. It is like I want to make sure that I am making the right choice by leaving him and so when I find items that contradict his "desire" to get back with me I can tell myself I am doing the right thing.

This morning I found a series of Facebook messages between him and this girl he met while he was in the psychiatric hospital a couple of months ago. The messages discussed how they were going to meet up to get stoned and have sex last night. This woman is married with three kids and is an unmedicated bipolar (her message said she was waiting for her Medicaid to kick in so she could get her meds). I looked up her husband and he has a criminal record and he looks kind of scary to me. STBXWH has a high-profile, political job and getting caught doing something like this (by the cops or, even worse, the husband) will ruin his career if it doesn't land him in jail or the hospital first.

I know that I should just detach and realize that I have no control over him. He is going to self-destruct if that is what he wants to do. I have been such a rescuer in the past that this is tough. I know he would not listen to me if I said something about his current antics - it would be my fault somehow - my fault that I was checking up on him.

My question is, how in the world do you detach when you've been with this person for 14 years and have kids together?

I have been doing the 180 and doing well with it - I don't contact him unless it is about kids or money. I do not feel any romantic love toward him anymore. But, I can't stop this checking on him. I want to ask him to just change his passwords but I don't want to deal with the drama that will ensue when he knows that I know all of his dirty secrets.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommyblonde,

I think these words of yours sum everything up:

I know that I should just detach and realize that I have no control over him. He is going to self-destruct if that is what he wants to do. I have been such a rescuer in the past that this is tough. I know he would not listen to me if I said something about his current antics - it would be my fault somehow - my fault that I was checking up on him.

It is hard to know what we have to do, and then even harder to actually do it. I think reading some books on co-dependency might help. It is co-dependent behavior to check up on our spouses. I have engaged in it many times over the years, and in the end, I am always sorry when I do. It will serve no purpose for you right now, except to hurt you. I am sure you have already suffered enough hurt.

I am only in the beginning stages of freeing myself from co-dependency, so I am not a lot of help. I am sure others who are more experienced in this area will come along to help, too.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
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