Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think that co-dependency is like a spectum; some may exhibit some behaviours now and then all the way to being fully engulfed in the SA 'lifestyle' with the SA to avoid conflict in the marriage. I figure I was somewhere in the middle. But I also believe similar to JustWow in that there is not a codependent for every addict. There are many on here that were totally blindsided by this revelation. I wasn't. I knew. I tried for years to make it stop and then I just gave up. The thing that made me deal with it in a healthy way was the real-life affairs, although H did have one while we were engaged. That one I eventually put away in my mind as a really bad decision but in reality, I never really put it away. Anyway, I also believe one can be a codependent and not a co-addict. Unfortunately, I am both. I think something in my FOO made me ripe to choose a sweet, gentle SA as a life partner and to become sicker and sicker as life went on.

Interestingly, I understood SA and how these folks think and operate pretty well right from D-Day. I'm miles ahead of my SA....I think. I hate to say even that, just because it's dangerous to think you are farther ahead than you really are.

Some days, I think my SAH has not progressed much at all. Other days, he surprises me. Yesterday, he told me how he had discussed mentally and emotionally abusing his wife for years, with a friend. He didn't get into the SA for reasons I fully accept, but he called himself an abuser. He goes farther than I would in describing this abuse, but hey, maybe he's right.

I'm working a 12 step workbook. I have been in IC for a long time: right now, I'm not, but can book an appointment for a tune-up anytime. I journal. I meet with another SA spouse for lunch every couple of weeks. I use her as a sponsor of sorts, although she is younger than me in this. I have no other choice in my area right now, because there is no COSA group. Not checking up on him is what makes me feel safe. I slip now and then, but not much anymore. That's his gig. However, knowing I can access his cell phone records (which I pay) and his email does make me feel safe as well, I guess.

Seems there's lots of RNs on here. Me too!!

icbtih8, I don't have the answer to your questions, but just keep one thing in mind. In deciding how to bring the SA issue out, you need to be careful not to manage your husband's recovery. In my case, my SA H has relied on me to 'make it all better' and by buying him books, telling him about SA, etc. I think I succeeded in frustrating myself even more. Just a thought.

ShatteredandDone, we're here when you are ready.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Icbtih8 & ShatteredAndDone,

*Hugs* to both of you. I am just a newbie here as well, but unfortunately, not a newbie to this issue. Like 1F1B, I have known for years that my H had a "problem". It is true that only a trained therapist can diagnose. My H's therapist had no problem diagnosing him as a SA from the first meeting. I have went through cycles where I have tried to control and confront, and then let go. If my husband would not have escalated to the level of deviancy that he did, we would probably still be in that place. So, even though I abhor what he has done, it did at least force change in our lives. Will the change in him be long lasting? Who knows. I hope so. In my heart I want so badly to believe, but my head tells me to wait and see.

Stop,

I know that I need to use resources. Going through this alone is killing me. I have confided in very few people, and I regret confiding in anyone at all. If my H and I go through a true reconciliation, I think that the couple of friends I have confided in will be disgusted with me, even if he does exhibit true remorse and change. I told my H today that I find that I am thinking about this all the time, that since d-day it has taken over my thoughts. I am going to Chicago with my kids for Thanksgiving, and I am hoping to let go and relax. I am not sure which group I will join. There is not a S-Anon in our immediate area, but one about 45 minutes away. There is a COSA group about 20 minutes away. When I get established with an IC, I will ask their opinion.

1F1B,

It IS funny that there are several of us RN's here. There are a lot of cliches and stereotypes about our profession, and the need to fix others is part of what makes us good nurses. (Oh, and as a side note, I too have been working on a Masters, although I am on a bit of a mental health hiatus now. Are you going for business, teaching, or NP? I wish I would have went NP. I went business, and I only have a research project and internship to complete, so a little too invested to change now.)

I see so many similarities in our stories, although you are much further ahead in the game. I don't feel like I understand his mind yet. I have been reading like crazy, and our next 2 Carnes books are supposed to arrive this week....In the Shadows of the Net and Facing the Shadow. These are books his therapist wants us to both read before the big appointment on 11/19. I think that is awesome that your husband can see and admit that he has been abusive to you. It shows a lot of personal growth, imo.

I did talk to him about the celibacy contract today. He says he thinks that is one of the reasons why his therapist is having me come in next week. He also told me "Don't worry about it, it isn't a problem anymore, I am taking care of that." I explained to him that it was meant to be a contract between us. I think that he is just acting in and exhibiting sexual anorexia, and I was a little disappointed that I didn't even figure into the celibacy equation. I shouldn't be all that surprised, because sex hasn't been something we really share for quite a few years anyways.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!
I haven't been on here for several months now. I needed an emotional break from SI as I struggled with getting SAH to accept his reality. Just wanted to give everyone an update about where we are.

First, (and I think this was the most important thing) I worked on MYSELF. Not the marriage. Not him. But ME and my extreme co-dependency problems. I saw a CSAT who helped me understand the addiction process and helped bring me out of my codependency. It wasn't until my head got on straight that I was able to fully see myself and him and I was not liking either one. Doing this work allowed me the strength to say NO MORE and I gave him an ultimatum that he sees a CSAT or we D. He truly didn't think I was serious until I told him the name of the lawyer I talked to and some listings for houses.

Finally seeing that I was SERIOUS that I wasn't going to take it anymore, he agreed to see a CSAT. Reluctantly at first because after all he "didn't have a problem". He was blameshifting everything onto me. So he went once a week to see the CSAT and went once a week to a SA group (run by the same CSAT). The third week in he came home white as a sheet and teary-eyed and said, "I'm a sex addict". He was DEVESTATED by this realization because he's run from coming from an addicted family.

He's working hard and I can truly tell a difference in him. He's open and honest (as far as I can tell) and he's eager to overcome this problem. He even admitted to me that since the age of 8 he's been using masturbation as a release from stress and his porn use was just to enhance that. He THANKED me because he said if it weren't for his love for me he has no doubt his addiction would have progressed more than it did.

NOT an easy road and I'm taking it one day at a time, but I can truly see a difference. So for you "newbies" just starting here, I cannot stress enough the importance of seeing a CSAT vs. just a regular therapist. There is a HUGE difference.

Anyways, I'm going to try and catch up with the posts so that I can respond to some of them.

Good to be "back"!


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
Dupedtoo
♀ New Member
Member # 26164
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a spouse of an SA. Newly dicovered. New to this forum. Searching for understanding and the strength to keep living with this knowledge. I think it would be easier to die. I am so lost. He moved out of teh house about eight weeks ago and

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: South Florida
Dupedtoo
♀ New Member
Member # 26164
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a spouse of an SA. Newly dicovered. New to this forum. Searching for understanding and the strength to keep living with this knowledge. I think it would be easier to die. I am so lost. He moved out of the house about eight weeks ago and I am wandering around it the emptiness wondering if my I will ever be happy again. Will I ever laugh again? I want so badly to comprehend

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: South Florida
Dupedtoo
♀ New Member
Member # 26164
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a spouse of an SA. Newly dicovered. New to this forum. Searching for understanding and the strength to keep living with this knowledge. I think it would be easier to die. I am so lost. He moved out of the house about eight weeks ago and I am wandering around it the emptiness wondering if my I will ever be happy again. Will I ever laugh again? I want so badly to comprehend what has happened to us. I feel hopeless. I am reading some books about this addiction but it doesn't seem to be enough to pull me out of this abyss. I have cut myself off from my friends because they just don't understand. I made the mistake of telling them too much so now I feel judged by them. They think I should just "GET OVER IT" and move on. I feel like an open oozing wound. How do I move forward?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: South Florida
kaliptus27
♀ Member
Member # 8201
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I hate that I'm even here. Back at SI, and worse yet, in THIS forum for a completely different man, 4 years later. i did some other searching online for Spouses of SA support groups, but didn't find too many.

I suffered a terrible betrayal with my brand new H's infidelity in 2005. He started his affair a month and 1/2 before our wedding, and continued on with it, through the beginning of our marriage, and up until D-Day which was just less than 4 months later. I was COMPLETELY devastated. No one in the world would/could have EVER suspected my XH to have done something like this, especially over the course of the actual wedding. It took a ton of therapy and years to confront this pain and deal with it - lucky for me I found SI. My saving grace, and healing place.

in 2008, I started seeing a new guy and immediately had trust issues. They seemed to just "appear" out of thin air, with nothing to "pin them on." I went back to therapy again, and was told that I was having PTSD and was reliving certain hurts in my new relationship. I was prescribed Celexa and was told to do everything possible to not blame my new man for my XH's sins. And to STOP CHECKING. I checked everything....his computer, his phone, etc...I was NOT going to be a victim of infidelity again! Sad thing is, once/if you find something, the dastardly deed is typically already done.

The Celexa helped immensely: It completely muted my GUT. Things that before would ruffle my feathers or having me snooping in his things instead were like feathers on the wind, and the next moment, those feelings would pass, and I could just enjoy the relationship and everything it had to offer.

This relationship was by far the best relationship I had been in. He is a successful, beautiful man with 3 gorgeous children from his previous marriage - and comes from a really tight family with good morals, etc. I fell madly in love with him, and his kids too. We had a TON in common - from our interests to how we liked to spend time, to our food likes/dislikes, to the little things that we so often take for granted. On top of all of this, we had the best sex life I have EVER had with anyone in my life. I was so in love...

But certain things did NOT add up. There are so many...but the top key ones are:

1. I found Mac PhotoBooth photos of himself - provocative ones - in his computer trash. There were a TON of them. I questioned him and he said he was just having fun with the camera one nite. He said that he was embrarrased I saw the photos, but he wasn't mad. His reaction and how he explained it made me wonder if I wasn't overreacting.

2. He would erase his computer "history" all the time.

3. Sometimes he was just plain unreachable.

4. He would have (very rarely, but they did happen) these HUGE panic attacks that came out of nowhere that I'd have to nurse him back from.

5. One time I *thought* I noticed "stains" on the bed sheets - in a place on the bed we hadn't had sex. Seemed very very peculiar.

I wanted nothing more than to believe that my therapist was right, and that I had the BS PTSD, after enduring betrayal from my XH. But then at Christmas 2008, I was sitting next to him when he was checking his email and an AFF (Adult Friend Finder) email popped up into his inbox. It was just an advertisement "ad" type deal - not a contact email, but disconcerting nonetheless. I brought it up and he denied ever having been on AFF.

I came to SI and posted in the IT Forum to see if anyone here had an AFF login/password I could use to check to see if my boyfriend was in there. Someone did, and I looked. I found nothing. Our relationship was great, and so I had no reason to punish him for something I had no proof of. Days and months went by and I was deeper and deeper involved, with him, his kids, and still...something did NOT feel right.

June 1st I got laid off of my job, which was very stressful and time-consuming. I all of a sudden had all this free time on my hands, and like a robot that was programmed to snoop, I started perusing the CL boards to see if he was placing any ads. I also went back here to SI into my PMs and found that link for AFF, and sure enough the login and password still worked. I wish I could tell you I didn't find anything, but sadly...I did. And it was very surprising WHERE I found the ad: He had listed himself as a Bisexual Male, interested in group sex with men and women - BOTH. And yes, the ad, albeit old, was still active.

2 weeks after I lost my job, I left my boyfriend. I have left a man before (read my profile) due to infidelity, but this was different, because there wasn't an AP, there was just betrayal on all sorts of other levels. I knew he'd deny the ad (which he did) and I knew he'd NEVER admit to having met up with anyone in person (which he hasn't to this day) so at that time, I just left. Having to say goodbye to him was fast (not painless) - but realizing I just cut myself off from our life together, his kids who I LOVE dearly, his family, etc. - I was devastated in a way that I had never experienced with my XH.

We didn't speak all summer. I missed the kids something fierce, and I wanted to open up the lines of communication between us to see if it would be possible for me to ever see them again. When I contacted my XBF, I learned that just THAT MORNING (timing?) he had found out his sister has cancer and it's grave. We were in touch again. And it was touch and go for a few months, including me being able to take the kids once to the mall so I could see them. When the two of us finally had a chance to sit down to talk, he admitted to me that he is an SA. He told me about his CL postings, etc. - but still would not come "clean" about the bisexual/homosexual leanings he had/has. Nor will he admit to having met anyone in person - he says it was all fantasy life. I find that hard to believe, because all the ads that were posted were about hooking up. But, I never had any proof.

Here we are now, another 2 months from THAT conversation, and he has informed me that he is in counseling - an admitted SA, and misses me horribly and wants to get back together. Nothing rash - just "starting the conversation." He says he loves me and the kids love me, and that he had it so good with me, and he doesn't want to live in that dark place anymore. I should also mention that he's dually addicted - he's had a pot problem for YEAAAAAARS and has been start/stop with that more times than I can count. It's currently on "off" right now, apparently, along with the SA stuff.

So here I am, yet again out of yet another relationship that ended due to lies, betrayal and infidelity. Except in this case, my XBF is extremely willing to go to whatever lengths necessary to make it work again, including counseling, and has admitted to me he's a SA. The most my XH could ever do to explain away his infidelity with the OW was that it was "the perfect storm."

I am so confused here. I know there would be a ton of SIers that would tell me: "You're not even married! Geez....run! Run!" and even more SIers that would hear that this is my 2nd time through the ringer and prob'ly be pointing me toward Al-Anon sooner than posting a comment back to me. My family would FREAK if I said I wanted to give this another shot, but I also know there have been success stories, and I so truly love this man.

Am I in the fog?


"I love you, Samantha..."
"I love you too, Richard...but I love me more." - Sex and the City

Posts: 2402 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Midwest
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward, I just had to make a comment when I read what you posted re:"I'm miles ahead of my SA...I think" because ironically my WH & bipolar SA
used to say "I'm 3 steps ahead of everyone"... (but he thought I never was gonna key log him... )
IC thought his bipolar caused him to "act out", to want a man one day or a woman the next, etc.
Whatever!

Huge hugs to everyone dealing with this devastating roller coaster.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kalyptus- Sorry for your pain. Again. My counselor has suggested strongly I learn what type of women I am attracted to and why before I start thinking about getting involved (that would be AFTER my divorce if divorce is the outcome...so thinking down the line) Anyway I sure wouldn't marry another sex addict on purpose. Your choice may be different. Might be worth exploring what attracts you and why.

Dupedtoo- Yes you will get past it, whatever the outcome. Yes you will be happy. Your friends who say just get over it don't understand the grief process. Time is an ingredient in that recipe. I suggest the "The Grief Recovery Handbook: by John James may be useful to you and take the time you need. You will learn that only you choose whether and how to be happy and that is a process. Do you really have to give up your friends or can they or some of them help you on your journey of self discovery? Pamper yourself learn what you enjoy for yourself only and immerse yourself in your happiness.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

klatypus

I am so confused here. I know there would be a ton of SIers that would tell me: "You're not even married! Geez....run! Run!" and even more SIers that would hear that this is my 2nd time through the ringer and prob'ly be pointing me toward Al-Anon sooner than posting a comment back to me. My family would FREAK if I said I wanted to give this another shot, but I also know there have been success stories, and I so truly love this man.

Well, you could take a wait and see approach. It takes couples 3-5 years to heal from sex addiction. For us, at the two year mark of sobriety and recovery, things were really much better.

So, can you take a wait and see approach for several years? What's your pupose for the relationship? Do you desire marriage? Are you happy with simply being a couple? Would you be happy with casual dating? Have you considered what your boundaries are? Are you in a position to follow through on those boundaries? You also don't mention if you've discussed the last time your BF was tested for STDs. Have you thought about that?

I think it is possible to enter into a relationship with a recovering addict. HOWEVER, I also think you need to make sure you have every "i" dotted and "t" crossed before you do so.

Love is wonderful, but one shouldn't make decisions based on emotions in a relationship where dysfunction is present.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 9:32 AM, November 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome Dupedtoo -- there are a bunch of us here who know your confusion and pain. How do you move on? Well, are you seeing a counselor? How about doing an online workshop like Recovery Nation (Recoverynation.com)? It's really important for you at this point to regain your sense of self -- rebuild your life from the inside out. Feel free to post here and use us as lifelines when you need

Kaliptuse -- it's amazing how manipulative and effective these men are at minimizing and denying. It's great that he's admitted to SA -- is his counselor experienced in addictions (specifically SA?) I think IRN has a good suggestion about taking it slowly and keeping your eyes open -- and also establish your boundaries and consequences firmly.

Welcome back hoping2heal! Sounds like you are doing well --

I'm finding the co-addict/co-dependency discussion interesting, also. I tried reading the Pia Melody book on Codependency, and ended up getting so angry and frustrated that I just tossed it into the recycling bin. She seemed to put everything into categories -- "perfect/ideal" vs. "codependent". As though there were no healthy, middle ground. I also think there are continuums for all kinds of behaviors and it's a really fine line between working on a M/relationship and being a co-something. And that line may be in different places for different people.

Personally, I don't think that I became a co-anything until after D-day (I was totally blindsided), and then I've just been trying to survive. I'm much more fragile and stressed now than at any time in my previous life.

Hello RNs!! I'm a PT.

the need to fix others is part of what makes us good nurses.

I totally see what you mean. Ironically, when my patients tell me that they want me to "nurse them and care for them," then I know that I really have my work cut out for me -- they want their rehab to be passive, instead of the active work that they absolutely need to do.

At the risk of sounding like I actually know something, I think that can be a good analogy to SA recovery (at least in my twisted mind). While there can be "passive healing" for some people through effective doctors, nurses, procedures and medications, there is really no way to effectively regain strength, stability and balance passively. It requires an active commitment and continuous effort on the part of the person -- daily "exercise" for lack of a better term. And we, as spouses, can cheer them on, support them, etc. but the real effort has to be theirs. We cannot infuse them with stability or balance. What do y'all think?

Have a good day, all.


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
Dupedtoo
♀ New Member
Member # 26164
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STOP Thanks for aknowledging my post. I am glad to know there is now a place I can go to when I am feeling overwhelmed and just want to vent a little. Also, it is comforting to know I am not in this alone. I feel so bad for all of us who have found ourselves so badly betrayed. But ... I am grateful there are people who will understand the pain this causes each indiviual who experiences this particular type of betrayal by someone you trusted to always have your best interests at heart.
I talk to my H everyday and I ma of the opinion that is not good for either one of us. Maybe, if I come here often, I can replace the conversations I have with him with writing and sharing my thoughts with all of you. I need to realize I can't control his aproach to his problem.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: South Florida
Dupedtoo
♀ New Member
Member # 26164
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettingthrutoday:
I am seeing a counselor an I am reading a few books. One is Mending A Shattered Heart. That book seems so focused on helping women who are continuing on in the relationship. I am trying to accept the reality that my marriage is over. I need to teh find strength to move forwaedinot a future that does not include him. It's ot that I do not want the restoration of my marriage but it is obvious that he does not. He has aknowledged his addiction but he is not willing take the necessary steps or ready to do the work that would lead to his recovery. I need to find a way to give it up. I am hoping this forum will give help me grow and discover my strength. Thank you all,

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: South Florida
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the newbies. I'm so, so sorry you have to be here. But happy to tell you that you won't always need to be here. You will heal. You will grow. You will find your way back into the sunshine. BUT...it will take time and, if you're smart, a lot of work to determine how to grow better from this experience: wiser, more compassionate, and -- most importantly -- better able to take care of yourself and protect yourself. We can't stop people from hurting us, but we can learn to create boundaries to ensure we're better protected. Perhaps the most important lesson of all...at least for me.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello RNs!! I'm a PT.
And I am going back to school for social services. I am planning on being an abuse advocate.

Funny how so many of us choose helping professions. And I truly think that is what is at the core of why we choose these types of people. We see something vulnerable and broken there, and want to help. It isn't even always on the surface, but something I think our unconscience or our inner being seeks out. Because my SA WS definitely did not show any vulnerability, as a 21 year cop/firefighter all around tough guy.

And I am still terribly attracted to the alcoholic at work. But I think the difference now is, even though my heart and soul wants him, I KNOW I can't fix him, he would only disappoint me again and again, and so I choose to remain just good friends, support him as a friend, but look elsewhere for the romance!

I also think these types of people consciously or unconsciously choose partners that have that caring/helping gene; it is an unhealthy dance, but it seems when one partner starts trying to get healthy, it throws the other one off, and they either need to get with the program or get left behind. When I was going to COSA, several of the senior members told me that they started their recovery first, and once they stopped enabling their mates, and strived towards mental health for themselves, their mates woke up! (Didn't work for all the women, but did for several)


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to all of the newcomers.

I feel like I never have enough time to say what I want to say on here!

In regards the sex/no sex/celibacy issue:

I, too, felt like I was waiting for my SAH to let me know what was going with the abstinence plan, when we would have sex, what would b ok and what wouldn't, how long, and on and on.

I was extremely frustrated when he didn't really discuss anything with me. The idea of this being an agreement or contract with us, never came to be.

I struggled with identifying my emotions for a few weeks.

Ours was a relationship that experienced very infrequent sex. Of course I internalized it as I was not desirable. Or on other days, that I was "weird" that I wanted my husband who seemed indifferent to sex. (he was sneaky) So after the devastation of the affairs, the confusion once I realized he really did want sex, I felt he "owed" it to me.

It is hard for me to articulate, because I never really thought I saw my self value or self worth in our sex life, but I had to have, at least in part.


SO after my SAH's second attempt at abstinence and his expectations that we would have sex until HE was ready to start again, I learned how to share and express my first real boundary.
I let him know I would not have sex until I felt "ok" with it, that it felt healthy, intimate and most likely LOTS of therapy and healing.

I felt very empowered, but not bitchy. I felt like for the first time I decided when and with whom I would be having sex. Granted, I made the decision NOT to, but that protects me to this day from hurt feelings, confusion.

I really began to see how much of my "icky" feelings were tied into our sex life or lack of. Once sex was not even an option, I got to know me. I didn't feel rejected. It really helped the next few months as SAH struggled to get past 45 days. It took from Dec to June for SAH to really learn and take responsibility. I didn't take his relapses personally.

It has been since last Dec since I have had sex with my SAH. He has hit about 130-140 days sobriety now.

We decided together to continue this abstinence until we work through intimacy issues and we can both feel like we have an idea what healthy sex really is.

I think for our own sanity, we spouses should be encouraged to have our own plan for abstinence.


I will try to share more of my experience, it is just difficult to find quiet moments.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 10:43 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too Trusting,

Thanks for the information re. sex. I, too, had relatively infrequent sex with my husband and took responsibility for it. Now that I understand it was his issue, I still struggle with the feelings it generates in me. We've had sex a handful of times in the past year (or two) and it's something I plan to work through with our MC. I don't even think I know what healthy sex is anymore...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, November 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternal,
We have started working on a book together, "Open Hearts."
It is co-authored by Carnes.

I believe it is based on the principles of Recovering Couples Anonymous.

It has really opened up some intimate communication, although not of a physical realm yet. I will try to keep posting on our progress with it. I like it so far.

I think the big moment for me last year, was during a conversation in which SAH repeated that he did not really know what intimacy is. He didn't feel it during sex or any other time.

I felt bad for him, as well as insulted that during the infrequent sex, he wasn't really present.
Well this time it clicked;
Obviously I didn't really have a clear grasp on true intimacy or I would have noticed the absence!

DUH for me, I felt so dumb and so insightful at the same time. It is part of what has fueled my conviction that we are BOTH not ready for sex until we both work on our own issues.


Just a side note for the new ones; We have only just begin a tiny bit to work on ourselves as a couple. Without a year of regular group, COSA, IC, and his recovery, we wouldn't get anywhere together in my opinion.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's an update on my situation. I have been to the lawyer and paid the retainer.(Ouch!!!) WS has no idea that I have done this, and I am not going to tell him, until final confrontation. I have done some real soul searching, studying and investigating about his problems, and realized that SA WS has a real personality disorder. He is a narcissist, and emotionally delayed. When I started reading the thread about NPD here, It was if I was reading about my life. What an eye opener!!! I am getting stronger in my conviction that I am doing the right thing, and that the possibility of his changing is very remote. There is too much damage and too many wounds to take that bus again.
No one deserves to be saddled with a sex addict. Until they are truly ready to change, life is a miserable existence. Take care of yourself- you are important.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flowermom,

Yes, I think narcissism is pretty much a given with aprocess addict, or at least thats what I observe from mine. Glad you are acting on your own behalf and heres hoping the rough spots aren't too rough.

I expect I'm not far behind you. I expect I could forgive but I don't look for her to get to the point where I can go there. For my money she would have to acknowledge her problems, be sorry for her actions and genuinely work on herself with a qualified professional and group therapy. Given her actions and words to date I think I am more apt to see pigs fly.

I can't even imagine a scenario where a female sex addict crashes and burns enough to get her attention. meh, we'll see, I need to resolve my financial issues before I decide so a few months down the line I may get to where you are.

Good luck flower mom and keep us posted.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.