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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mommyblonde)))

That kind of behavior is straight out of the SA handbook. My rSA did the same thing to me.

He went from loving everything about me to saying things like...

...you don't groom your pubes right.

...you don't kiss right.

...you don't look at me the right way.

...you don't turn me on anymore.

A few weeks before he disclosed--right after I had filed for divorce--I intercepted an email to his mother that contained this gem:

"She tries to be sexy but she just isn't. It hurts me to watch her try."

That kind of cruelty is fueled by the SA's self hatred. As horrible as it is to experience, it has nothing to do with us. It's the addiction talking.

Sending hugs...


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mommyblonde, sorry you are here but happy tyou seem to have it right. His attacks on you are designed to make thin excuses to himself for living outside his own moral code and to deflect the attention away from his behavior (starting an argument can do that. COngratulations for not attending every fight you are invited to and for valueing yourself and your self esteem. I went from best husband in thw world (her rating for 22 consecutive years) to "the same SOB I have always been" in the two months following the time I presented her with what I knew :). Hang in there you sound tough enough to make it !!!!

Certain parts of my anatomy "not big enough" and I am too judgemental. Old Testament morals lots of stuff that is bogus just to make herself some excuses. meh, I don't have to call her a slut, she already knows it :)


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. The stuff I find just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I have now found a secret e-mail account where he has been looking for hookups with men. OMG!!! I don't even know this man. What in the world is going on?? This man has a high-profile job he is going to lose it because he is acting like a complete fool and is going to get caught.

I am trying to gather all of my evidence and stay quiet so that I have all the ammo necessary if he decides to be nasty during the divorce. I had put the divorce on hold but now it is full steam ahead again.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mommyblonde, sorry to hear you have been brought onto my boat. My SA husband has been meeting up with men too. He has no idea I know about this, and it is going to come as a big surprise after he is served. My SAWH also has a high profile job, and is a leader in the community. I am quietly gathering information, printing up everything, and putting it in a safe place. He will get copies when the papers are filed, along with his screen saver changed to one of the lovely pictures from his gay porno site. T think he'll get the idea. Protect yourself. Save some cash and gather your evidence. FM


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just when I think I never have to come to this site again, I always do.

Some of the veterans here probably know about my H's sexual addiction from which his 2 A's resulted from 2 years ago. Those who don't know can just check out my profile.

Well, my husband is in the Army and he's deployed in Iraq. Though he hasn't cheated on me in over 2 years and he hasn't looked at porn in over one year, today I found out he sent at least 2 emails in response to a "w4m" craigslist ad. The worst part is that I had to catch him. I wasn't even trying to check up on him, I just wanted to check his "Army MyPay" account so I could see how much was his paycheck going to be next week. During his last slip up he came forward and that was over 6 months ago. This slip up was 3 days ago!

I'm convinced he isn't going to change. I'm sure he isn't going to physically cheat on me but I know he is going to act out from time to time. Since he can't go to SA meetings in Iraq, these slip ups will become more common occurence. I can see it.

I don't care if his slip ups are few and far between. That is not enough, I want NEVER.

The worst part is, I'm in Hawaii. Living off base costs an arm and a leg and I can't afford a ticket back to the mainland let get by on my own with the kids.

My H is supposed to be home for R&R next month. For now, my intentions are to continue with school as planned, whether he is here or not. I was going to request time off but he doesn't deserve me sacrificing time off for him. If anything, he has strengthened my drive to pursue my dreams of being a cosmetologist (hair, makeup, etc) and a photographer.

He needs professional IC but I'm not sure if he's willing to let the members of his chain of command know. The only way he can get time off for IC is if he goes through the chain of command, then everyone in his unit will know about it.

If he doesn't seek IC, I'm going to do my very best to save up some money so I can at least get a descent apartment off post. I want to leave now but not if it means having to move into a bad neighborhood and have to rely on welfare. I'm not bashing those of you who are, since I've relied on welfare before, but I don't want to be in that situation again.

Sorry for the vent but this is the only place where I think I'll be understood.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my H responded to my confrontation about those emails. He says that wasn't him.

I'm inclined to believe him because he usually steps up and confesses within 24 hours and yet this time he hasn't. He's also never lied when confronted.

I'll believe him this time, I think at this point my schooling and my kids will be taking priority over my H.

For the past several weeks I'm at the point where I lovemy H but I'm not "in love" with him. It's mostly because of issues not reloated to the A's from which addiction stemmed from.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 1:45 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all ! XH and I are no longer together. He is in Thailand fulfilling his addiction. I'm finally ready to work on how living with man for 27 yrs and not knowing has affected me. I'm moving sometime in the future and will seek a group there. I have questions about how the SA was in the M before knowing the truth.
He blindsided me for years and just trying to sort the addiction from something else.
1. Did anyones SA spouse have chronic ED problems with you ? XH did and I blamed it on his poor health but thinking it was more SA than other health problems causing them. I know he used pills for ED problems with the many OW.

2. When there was intimacy, did the SA satisfy you also ? ( before you knew of the problems) It was all about him in the last years and before it was about me (many years ago)

Hindsight is giving me many questions lately. He will never think he has a problem but thinks its macho to live as he is. I'm working on myself so I can recognize problems in a future relationship and not make the same mistakes. NEVER want an SA in my life again ! It was too painful.
. gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH brought his one month chip home last night.

He told me last night his new Psych med is working. He's stable, no compulsive thoughts, no impulse control issues and he LIKES the peace and control going on in his mind now

He's also a bit scared because he does NOT miss all his behaviors now and everything he reads says he's supposed. He's scared its going to hit him like a MAC truck at some point.

Right now, I see real growth and change in WH. For today, I feel like he is on the right path and in geuine recovery.

And after surviving the nightmare of his 1 month that triggered in me, I feel stronger than I've been since d-day. I still don't know how to get back to who I was before all of this. But, I don't think I'm supposed to be there either.

I told WH today that for the first time, I can see a point where I could forgive him. And for me right now, that is HUGE.


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Did anyones SA spouse have chronic ED problems with you ? XH did and I blamed it on his poor health but thinking it was more SA than other health problems causing them. I know he used pills for ED problems with the many OW.

Oh yes. He started having ED problems a good 20 years ago. He was still young and relatively healthy then. But he was an active SA (porn and compulsive masturbation, no affairs, AFAIK). When he finally crossed the line in 2005/2006, he double dosed on Cialis and Viagra in order to perform. But he couldn't 'do it' with me, even with Viagra. That did a whole lot for my self-image as you can imagine.

2. When there was intimacy, did the SA satisfy you also ? ( before you knew of the problems) It was all about him in the last years and before it was about me (many years ago)

No, it was actually the opposite. My husband is a woman pleaser. He had no desire to satisfy himself compared to what he had to do for his partner; me and his ONS and A partners.



Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, October 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has ED too. I think it may have started with the escalation of his addiction. It came on very suddenly, so I do think it is emotionally related. He also has health problems, so that could be a part of it. In My particular situation, he would complain that I was not adventurous enough, and was too puritanical. (I did not want to have sex with others). So, we all have our wounds suffered at the hands and twisted libidos of these people. This is a sad club, and the support we get from each other is invaluable. We must always remember that now, we have to see to our own futures, and take care of ourselves. Sometimes these toxic people need to be left behind.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what consequences do you all have for slip ups aside from withdrawing physically/emotionally?

That is on my list of consequences but there are times that I feel that by doing that I'm punishing myself even though I find his slip-ups disrespectful.

I've finally learned that the consequences are not about punishing our SA spouses, and that they're meant to guard ourselves. However, I'd like to know what consequences do you all have just so I can have some ideas.

The only time I'll leave is if he cheats again unless I am able to financially survive on my own and his slip-ups become consistent again.



H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momofthree2007 -- sounds like you're in a tough place right now -- also sounds like you've got a good game plan to protect yourself. Good for you!

gma56 -- yes my WH has had long-standing ED problems. After D-days, he magically didn't need the meds any more, until recently (past month or so). What a coincidence -- I found links to porn pics on his computer over the weekend.

did the SA satisfy you also ?

Yes, and in fact, I would have said that our sex life was very good (with the meds).

lost2chaos --

I feel stronger than I've been since d-day. I still don't know how to get back to who I was before all of this. But, I don't think I'm supposed to be there either.

It looks like you're really doing well with all of this -- I do think it takes a long time to get back to "ourselves." Good for you for the progress you're making!

Short on time today -- good luck everyone!

GTT


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
February1970
♀ Member
Member # 25711
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the story on ED and we spouses? My SAH has been telling me for several years that it was my overweight-ness (is that a word? ) was the reason for his lack of interest and that his medications were to blame for his "equipment not functioning like it used to".

I have spent way too much time not being loved. It makes me sick.


Me 39
STBXH - SA 39
3 kiddos 8,7,2
S moving toward D

Posts: 285 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Texas
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momof3,

I'm adding this in hopes that one of us will help you come to a boundary that you can enforce and feel good about. I have a friend who is also an SA spouse. When he acts out, including viewing porn, she leaves for a couple of days; no ifs, ands or buts..no negotiation. She has friends she has set up to stay with and her parents live within driving distance.

Now her kids are old enough to take care of themselves, so I don't know if that would work for you.

I don't have anyone close that I could do this as a boundary. So as I tried to tell you in PM, I detach more for a couple of days. I spend more time by myself, reading or going for a spa treatment or something like that. I do not spend much time socializing with him.

Mind you, in a way I also make his slips about him. If I tell him I found a slip, I am very caring about it. I try very hard to no longer blame and shame him. I will tell him I know this is really tough for him and I wish him strength. But he has to do this on his own and I gotta do what I gotta do; withdraw from him a bit more than usual for a couple days.

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 11:45 AM, October 29th (Thursday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no family where I'm at and none of my friends have an extra place for me and my 3 kids. Even if it was an option, I don't think his slip ups are bad enough to constitute that.

I'm considering physical withdrawal without having to withdraw emotionally. Neither of us benefit from both physical and emotional withdrawal.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Target  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From Flowermom
Sometimes these toxic people need to be left behind.
XH is out my life. Thank the Lord for that. I'm dealing with the past and trying to understand some of the issues we had. It's like going through a maze blinded.

From February:

I have spent way too much time not being loved. It makes me sick.
Me too and I don't want to attract the same type of man again ! I don't want to carry the garbage either.

Also from February :

My SAH has been telling me for several years that it was my overweight-ness
I have gained a huge amount of weight over the last years and just realized my selfesteem was crushed .I think it was self protection too. Since I'm no longer with him , I'm feeling so much better about who I am and ready to tackle the weight issue for me. It took along time to get to this point. I had no idea this was why, I blamed most of it on many deaths in my family and menopause ! The light is finally shining in my face. I never had a selfesteem problem or weight problem until 12 yrs ago. Now it is a huge problem but finally recognizing for what it is. Hugs, gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just peeking in this thread again, haven't been here for a while, but, on just the past few posts, I find it kind of funny that I had a weight issue when I was with my SAh also. I was pretty skinny when I met him, but over the years, as he totally ignored my physical and emotional needs, I gained about 25 pounds with him, trying to stuff down my needs and unhappiness. Now that he is gone, I lost it all and have no problems at all keeping it off.

And my outlook on life is so so so different. Hard to explain it.

He was sick, and I was sick with him. I don't know how things would have been different if he had gotten help, because he didn't, and probably never will, but I know staying with someone who is sick was not healthy for me.

ETA: Oh, what I read from the top of this page, my personal experience. My WS SA made me feel terribly dysfunctional and ugly. (Although he would tell me I was beautiful and his friends thought I was hot, his actions belied his words, as he would NOT touch me, and made me feel like a total nympho for wanting sex once or twice a week. Or even once or twice a month. "Can't you just drop it, don't you get that I am in pain here, you're weird sexually, you talk too much, blah blah blah blah. Why do you have to analyze sex (When I would ask him if he liked a certain move I was doing for him). "

I have moved on, had sex with a new guy, and he was more than satisfied and happy with what I had to offer. (Got him going 3 times in one night)

It isn't you girls. (And guys also, with SA spouses!)

It is the illness.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 3:47 PM, October 29th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have spent way too much time not being loved. It makes me sick.

One day I was thinking the same thing; again.
That was my lightbulb moment. The moment I realized what all of the statements about taking care of yourself and learning about your part of the SA life that wasn't healthy.

All of a sudden the question popped into my head: "Why did I think that was ok??"


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momofthree2007

As far as "slips" go, maybe I think differently from a lot of folks, but I don't even buy the term "slip". It is like "trickle truth". Trickle truth implies there is some sort of truth intended to be shared, but it comes out slowly. IMO, trickle truth is about concealing truth, and any truth that comes out is usually extracted.

"Slips" are similar, IMO. They are acting out, using addictive behavior. The term itself tries to minimize that fact, IMO. And a slip to one SA may in fact be full blown acting out to another, and it really doesn't matter much because the end result is the same - the addict is using.

The literature will tell yo as the spouse of an SA to expect such things, they are expected in recovery. Well, you may tell me to expect them, but you cannot tell me to tolerate them. If I have already determined for myself that I will not be engaged emotionally or physically with H while he is not sober, and not actively and progressively working his recovery program, then to compromise my safety to accomodate his slips would be co-dependency at its finest, IMO.

One of H's addictive behaviors was scanning. He was constantly looking at women and imagining all sorts of stuff. This didn't involve talking or engaging with these women at all, just scanning their images into his brain and creating scenarios. I could tell by how he related, or rather didn't relate to me, that something HUGE was off. He was withdrwan, uninterested in me or the family, quiet, detached. He was using.

Now, some guy who used to actively engage prostitutes who stepped down his behavior to scanning, might have his spouse convinced that this is an improvement. Its not, really, in terms of the ADDICTION. Maybe in terms of degrees of distatefulness, sure, but the botom line is the guy is still addicted, still trying to find ways to enjoy and manage his addiction, and he is still not a sober or emotionally intimate partner to his wife.

Like the alcoholic who binges on beer instead of whiskey, using is using, IMO.

So, what are my boundaries? I will not be involved sexually, but especially not emotionally with my H unless he is sober and ACTIVELY in recovery and making progress that he has demonstrated he is capable of sustaining for a period of time.

For me, I believed it was safer to assume he was NOT going to recover, and made it incumbent upon him to prove me wrong. I refused to put my neck out there, and my heart out there, and my body out there in the hopes that this time, it would be different. I told H I was no longer committed to this M, I wasn't going to file that day, because it was not in my best financial interest at that point, but I was no longer "in". We co-existed for about a month and a half under the same roof.

In that time he truly began his recovery. WORKING THE 12 STEP is crucial, IMO. Sitting in a CSAT's office for an hour or warming a chair in an SA meeting aint going to change anything, and can in fact create the illusion to the SA that they are actually diong something when they are not. The 12 steps require lots of honest self assessment and lots of hard work, and the group and CSAT can help with them, but IMO, that was the meat of the recovery process. And once they begin to work them earnestly and sincerely, the difference in them is astounding.

I will not engage emotionally with him unless he is in recovery. In the short term, when I detached before, it was hard. But even a week or so into it, my life became so much more manageable and peaceful. I really believe it hurts you more to be emtionally involved with them when they're active than physically involved. But maybe we're different that way, or maybe you're looking at short term vs long term.

Detaching not only lets you heal and get your own poop together after this trauma, it also puts a "time-out" on any more damage being done to the M while you are detached. And that is less crap you have to heal from later on at whatever point it is you begin to heal from all of this.

Okay, I'm way too long winded today, and I need to go frost HB Baby's b-day cake before naptime is over.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great show on Sexual Addiction. Sex Addiction with Dr. Drew. The first episode is now on Vh!. I hope that this show can help to remove the stigma of this disease. Compassionately done.

http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?id=1624841&source=mp_carousel


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
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