Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Nothanks (43225)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, October 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NapaDeb,

I'm glad you found us. This site is a great source of healing and support.
This is all very new for you and, believe it or not, the day will come when you're not just reeling from it.
Take time to let it sink in. Ask the questions you need but be careful you really want the answers. I tended to sleep on certain questions to give myself some time to figure out if I really wanted to know (did it help me in any way) or was I simply picking at the wound.
I would recommend you get yourself counselling if you haven't already. A counsellor with some experience in this area can certainly guide you through figuring out where to go from here. In the meantime, I think your demands are quite legit. before determining if you allow your husband back home. One of the toughest parts of this is feeling so unsafe...so anything you can do to get that sense of safety back and realize that you can rely on yourself is a good thing.
Hang in there. Post with any questions -- we're all here to learn from each other, share our experiences and move forward.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NapaDeb, I had a list of 26 items I needed to feel safe when I discovered this mess nearly a month ago. Some of those were things I needed to do for *me*, some were things I needed from *him*. But, I needed to feel SAFE again and I most definitely did not feel safe.

One of the first things I did was assume control over the cell phone account, the bank accounts and the internet usage. I put a Net nanny program on the computers with a keystroke logger. I flat-out banned all websites he used to do his business. And if he tries to mess with the program or visit banned sites, the system texts my cell phone. I put internet controls on his cell phone for teens so he can't access the sites there either.

But, everything I did is nothing but a stop gap measure. Yes, it makes *me* feel better but it won't truly stop him if he wants to do it again. My 2 main goals were so slow him down as his sobriety is so new and long-term to make him stop and think before he throws our lives away again. Since not thinking at all seems to have been a common theme of WH's.

The one thing I'm learning quickly is that with SA recovery is only going to come of the addict is ready to get help and stop the addiction. Mine will hit 1 month of sobriety on Thursday but won't get to trade his chip in until next Monday at his SA meeting.

I don't begin to know what the future holds. I have hope that if my WH continues to seek help, continues to fight for sobriety and for recovery that we might have a future together. But, if he walks down that path again, he'll do it alone.


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, October 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: Checking

We check because we don't trust ourselves and we don't trust our spouses.

Once we learn to trust ourselves, then, IMHO, the checking stops.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost,

You've made some really good points re. sobriety. Keeping tabs on our SAH can help in the short-term the way an alarm wakes us up in the morning. My mother took antabuse (sp??) when she was trying to stop drinking. It was enough to make her stop and think before proceeding. That's often what SAH need in the early days when, even if they've committed to a recovery program, they may still be deluding themselves that "it's not too bad" or "I could stop on my own". By putting things in place that force them to stop and think before they do something, it might make them stop long enough to allow true sobriety to take hold.

IRN,
Very good point. At a certain point, I realized that I couldn't control my husband. That if he chose to engage in his addiction, then he would find a way. But by then, I had regained my own footing and felt confident that my own boundaries were firmly enough in place that I could handle the fallout.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the newbies -- sorry for the reason you're here. I don't give advice very often because I still feel like I'm in the thick of it --

Today is my first antiversary.

I really had hoped to be much further along in my own recovery by now. I have made some good steps -- am trying to get back to myself, am doing things that I enjoy and am really trying not to dwell on the M all the time. I don't feel the need to monitor WH -- his recovery is *his* -- and frankly, if he really wanted to relapse, he'd find a way around all my verifying anyway.

But, I sure do miss the fantasy -- and I miss the relationship that I had with the part of WH that I knew. I miss the person that I used to be. I miss laughing and joking around. I miss having a teammate -- that feeling that as a team, you could deal with whatever happened.

Welp, pity party over. I intentionally invited a dinner guest over tonight so that I'd be busy around the house and in the kitchen -- I know, I'm avoiding feelings by "doing" -- it just seemed better for today.

Hope the rest of you are doing OK -- updates anyone?


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH went to SA again last night. His 1 month sobriety date is on Thursday so he gets to trade in his chip next Monday instead of this one (gotta get there to actually earn it).

They didn't have a white book for him to purchase yet, so he borrowed someone's and started reading it. He's also going gung-ho on Recovery Nation.

But, I got playful with him last night and he nearly took my head off. Big time trigger for me. I explained to him that for YEARS he rejected me intimately and physically and I told myself it was his low libido and lack of wanting even non-sexual physical contact. But, that wasn't the truth. It was *me* and the fact that I wasn't illicit.

I was then subjected to nearly an hour of ME conversation from him. Yeah, I get he has to fix himself. But you know what, I'm TIRED of it always being about HIM. It was about him for the last 5 years while I cried because he was withdrawn from me and I didn't understand why. I don't want to hear about HIM right now.

When he accused me of lying and not really loving him (a common accusation of his which I know stems from his low self esteem but dear LORD I wouldn't be here if I didn't love him) I finally told him to get OUT. He declined to do so. But, I did tell him if he ever accuses me of lying again I'm DONE.

I've been strong for a month. I'm willing to work on this marriage because I love him and I truly think underneath the nightmare he has created there is a man WORTH fighting for. But, I'll be darned if I'm going to continue to be accused of the very things HE did to me and this marriage simply because he cannot understand how I can love him. For heaven's sakes, I offered him a Plan B if he cannot overcome this addiction (or even if he simply chooses to not do so) that allows him to essentially have his cake and eat it to, to live under the legal protection of marriage but co-habitate. I darn well didn't offer THAT because I'm lying and really hate him. I offered that because I strongly feel that would protect my heart and my health if he's sleeping around while still protecting the children (I have a crazy abusive mother who would fight for grandparent's rights if we disolved the marriage and 8 children who worship the ground their Daddy walks on.)

I'm here. There are a lot of days I simply don't understand why I am anymore, or why I'm insane enough to be willing to subject myself to a permenant, legally wed roommate if he cannot remain faithful. But, I AM here and I don't regret being here. I'm simply tired of the accusations that I'm lying, don't intend to really offer this to him and am merely waiting for the opportunity to kick him out.

Yeah that is precisely what he would have done if the roles were reversed. But, its not what I have choosen. And, I darn tooting don't need to wait for an excuse to toss him out. He already gave me that! Quit accusing me of lying. I'm dead serious, if he does it again he's out the door unless and until he can stop making that accusation.

In the end, it turned out okay. He had a LOT from his SA meeting he hadn't discussed and he needed to process. And, he really needed a swift kick in the teeth that while fixing him is vitally important both to making me feel safe and to R, fixing himself will not by itself fix the mess he made of this M. R will only come with a lot of work on the actual M and not merely work on himself.

Oh and yes, I'm going to my spouse's support group tonight. I had the flu last week and didn't have the emotional energy to be sick and work on any of my stuff, journaling, Recovery Nation nor my support group workbook. So, I'm working on those today as well.

In short, I'm here and I still think I'm crazy for being here. But, I didn't stop loving this man. I really didn't. And, I do think there IS a good man underneath this nightare (who says his new anti-psychotic is actually working cause he's now not cycling but also not having compulsive nor bizarre thought processes he always thought were normal and I told him were not).


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, forgot to add!

Despite having the flu, I cut my hair and henna dyed it red again this weekend. Its about 2" shorter than what I wanted cause the 2 year old was "helping" me cut it. I wanted it a tad longer for winter but its still short and sassy just the same.

WH commented again that he likes my hair long as he was fixing the hack job I did with the 2 year old helper around. And, I flat-out told he he has NO right to an opinion on my hair right now. But, I'd let him know if he earns that priviledge back in the future.

Sadly, I had to cancel my appointment for my nose piercing though. They didn't want me coming in with Swine flu. Said its harder to autoclave off their equipment than anything else they encounter. So, I re-set the appointment for Halloween day


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, I sure do miss the fantasy -- and I miss the relationship that I had with the part of WH that I knew. I miss the person that I used to be. I miss laughing and joking around. I miss having a teammate -- that feeling that as a team, you could deal with whatever happened.

I'm over 3 years post D-Day. I don't miss the fantasy anymore. Because it really was just that; a fantasy. The person that I was, was not me; it was the woman who was struggling to show normal, actually above normal (we had the best marriage in the world, don't you know!), when there was nothing 'normal', or better stated, nothing healthy, about me, about him and about this marriage. In hindsight, it was all a big lie. Even H now says the same thing; the man that waxed poetic about this great love we've had, even years post D-Day. He now says this marriage was screwed; that we had a very dysfunctional relationship and family.

You'd think recognizing this, we would just call it quits and walk away. But here we are, still living in the same house and generally operating, for all appearances anyway, as a unit. We are broken but not horribly unhappy. In fact, I for one, am not all that unhappy. I don't think I love him (as a spouse should) and haven't for a long time if I was really honest, but I really like him and I enjoy his company. I also believe I can love him again or perhaps really love him in a way I never have.

I honestly don't believe I'm still here simply because of that hope, however. It's more than that, I think. I'm certainly not deluded. I know what he is and I know what we are. I understand the hopelessness surrounding 'curing' this thing. At the moment, I am here because it's really quite convenient. I'm busy at work. I'm finishing up a Master's degree. Like most middle-income couples, we have a fair bit of debt. We are both loving having a new daughter-in-law and a wonderful new grandchild. We talk about the latter ad nauseum. Really now, what would a divorce do for me at this time? I have no desire to EVER re-marry. I honestly do not want the stress of working out finances that come with a split. I'm not in the mood to deal with a kid who would be absolutely devastated by a divorce. (The other kid would handle it just fine; he knows all about us.) And I don't want the hassle of moving. I HATE moving. I want my next move to be in a box!!

In a sense, I guess I'm just settling for now. I feel like I've healed from the infidelity for the most part; I have started to learn how to separate the SA from the man. I've come a very long way in my own recovery. Oh, there are times when I blame him and his inability to talk about this thing and really show his love for me by some action, not inaction. But for the most part, I'm done with the blaming. I'm way done with the checking. That's his deal. And I really, really mean that. If he does it, he does it. I will find out; I always do.

Like I said, it's been over 3 years. It's just now that he is really 'getting it'. He finally understands he needs to deal with the FOO issues. He hasn't been able to do much of anything about this marriage because of those issues. He is working Recovery Nation.

I'm really happy for him. He is such a broken man. I don't know if this will heal our marriage. I do know without it, there was no hope for it. But I will not say I hope this gives us our marriage back and we will return to normal. The thing is we were NEVER normal and I do not want to go back to what we had. If this marriage is healed, it will be something new; something neither of us has ever had. If not, I'm still going to be okay. He may never be okay. I may never be okay. But IT'S gonna be okay! KWIM?


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I went to my SA spouses' support group tonight and its the only gig in town for SA and I really don't feel comfy with Al-anon. So for now its this or nothing.

But I mentioned that WH feels he's doing everything he can to work on him (and he is) but he wants me to give him a checklist to work and 'fix' the marriage.

Now, this came up after an arguement where I pointed out that yes fixing him is necessary and yes he is working on him and yes that was mandatory for me to feel safe and willing to try R. But, fixing him will NOT automatically fix the M.

I told him I don't have a checklist for what will 'fix' the marriage. I need to feel safe, and he has provided that with full disclosure, total honesty and addressing himself. Only time and consistency can do the rest for that issue.

But, I also need to feel cherished and beloved. And, I most definitely do NOT feel cherished nor beloved at this point. I cannot give him a checklist for what will help me feel that way.

We worked through Surviving An Affair and addressed emotional needs and the need for each spouse to fill those. And, I am trying to fill his emotional needs and I can tell he feels that by his responses.

But, his attempts to fill my emotional needs is really hit and miss. I can tell him what he has done that hit the mark to make me feel beloved and cherished but that is the best I can do right now.

OKAY, so I shared all this in group. And the feedback from the leader is that its not necessary to work on the M at all. She says if he does his work for recovery and I do my work for recovery, then the M will fix itself......

Thoughts on this because I'm not at all convinced of this suggestion, but maybe I'm wrong here?


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, October 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost2chaos,

Maybe he can never make you happy. Maybe only you can make yourself happy. He can't change how you feel any more than you can change how he feels.

Possibly you are feeling grief over the loss of trust and still need to work through that. Possibly you haven't forgiven him.

Forgiveness means we realize and accept that nothing and no one can change the past. It doesn't mean we can forget what happened. We can recognize that the limits of trust have forever changed and that we need effective boundaries. Boundaries that we may not have had before to feel safe. When we feel safe we are ready to allow love back in.

You can feel the peace and serenity of not depending on your husband for your happiness by creating a life that allows you to be happy with or without him.

I don't know if my wife and I will ever reconcile. Frankly I doubt her ability to control her addictions and be who I need her to be. I am working on building a life that allows for that but will work for me no matter what she does. I am adding people and activities to my life that do not require her presence or require me to trust her.

My intent is to make myself happy and never again let her become my "drug of choice"


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, October 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OKAY, so I shared all this in group. And the feedback from the leader is that its not necessary to work on the M at all. She says if he does his work for recovery and I do my work for recovery, then the M will fix itself......

Thoughts on this because I'm not at all convinced of this suggestion, but maybe I'm wrong here?

I agree with the leader, more or less. I long ago stopped being concerned about getting marriage counselling. I felt there was no point especially if both of us were not moving along nicely in our individual recoveries. I actually got tired of people suggesting this counselor and that marriage seminar, yada, yada, yada, but I kindly informed them there was no point in any of this until Mr.1F1B was well into recovery. It would be wasted time.

I do work on the M in some ways, however. I try and respond to him more kindly and not to react in anger when he upsets me. IOW, my communication with him is much more mature and kind. He has done much the same and has come a very long way in stopping some of the unacceptable communication that become part of our relationship.

But overall? No real work on the marriage. No point until we are both well into recovery. And even then, I may decide I don't want this relationship after all. I've let go of the outcome and concentrate on recovery.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For my husband and myself, fixing ourselves was enough to fix our marriage. Don't get me wrong, we still have communicating issues. But now, at least we handle them by saying "Gosh, I wish we could figure out how to communicate better." rather than by him acting out and me being a b*tch.

We also have not been married that long, either-less than 10 years. I think that plays into our recovery as well.

As for emotional needs-have you worked through the 5 Languages of Love? I really like His Needs, Her Needs as well. Both partners take a written inventory of their top emotional needs and share this information with their partner.

My husband got that he really neglected me, actually, without me having to do much. It took a LONG time, though, for me to accept any gesture he gave. Really, sometimes I still don't. But I don't say anything, because it's my issue to work through, not his.



Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I don't look to him for happiness. I never have. I thought we were partners in this life but apparently I was wrong about that.

No I have NOT forgiven him. I am not holding a grudge nor throwing things in his face, but I have not forgiven yet either. Since I'm a month into this, I really think that's a normal part of this journey right now.

I have refused MC until we have both worked further in our own path to healing mainly because I think unless and until we go longer on this journey, MC is not going to work on the pain and damage until its not an ongoing issue.

But, I DO think that MC is somethig we are going to need. I DO think there is a lot of damage to our foundation that will need repaired. For now, we both worked through Surviving An Affair, written by the author of His Needs Her Needs and we both committed to his 4 rules for marriage as well as filling out EN questionaires for each other.

My thinking was that doing that would make sure we don't trample on the M while walking through our personal healing. But, I just don't think personal healing is going to cure the M.

Two months ago, I would have told you that WH adored me. What little, tiny oddities that might have clued me into this nightmare that hid below the surface were not even strong enough to warrant mention. I might have guessed something was amiss. I honestly thought he was cycling and not being honest about that. I would have thought anything amiss was related to his mental health not an addiction.

He was never abusive. He was never more distant that he always was, and that was a wall around a part of his heart that was always there. I had full access to his sccounts (that I knew about) to the finances, he always accounted for his whereabouts. He was an active and devoted father.

Every person who knows this man was blindsided but this discovery. It was NOT just me. (Blindsided my closest friend who is actually living a mirror life except her SA walked out on her, trust me SHE knew the signs.)

Which unfortunately leaves me feeling that my wonderful life was a lie...fantasyland as someone else put it. So, for me, I don't think merely fixing our personal selves will fix the marriage. I had the marriage and H that everyone envied. And, 2 months ago he would have sworn that was our life.

When he finally disclosed, he had to personally walk me through HOW he hid this for 5 years because he was GOOD at this garbage (oh the waste of a genius IQ and a comp sci degree).

The M is not 'fixable' imo. What existed is DEAD because it was never real. To survive this, we have to start over now. And, that will require work from both of us, work niether of us is ready to do yet because we have to deal with his nightmare first.

So, I guess I'm disageeing with the leader because I had the 'perfect' M and that 'perfect' H and the truth is that nothing is eve truly perfect and we are going to have to start over, not repair.

WH wanted a checklist to repair and I can't give him that. Right the focus does have to be us as individuals. But I really feel like when we are stronger, we are going to have to intentional and deliberately wor on the M together.

But, I'm known to overkill things. We did 3 different programs for pre-marital counseling before we married and look at the good that did me.


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,

I am sorry I have been absent from this site for a while, but I do check in periodically. To the new members, you have found a group of compassionate and selfless men and women here, who have gone through or are going through your same ordeal. You are not alone.

lost2chaos,

I have been reading your posts with much compassion in my heart. You are only one month out of D Day. Please know that this is a long journey, and my guess is you are still in shock. Do slow down. It's important to feel all your emotions. One never heals by walking around or away from one's feelings. This is the time to grieve fully.

I tend to agree with you that you and your husband have to gone through your respective healings first, before any talk of re-building and strengthening the marriage. For example, if your husband is unwilling or unable to admit he has a problem or commit to recovery (therapy, etc.), and/or if you are so hurt, angry, disillusioned, and insecure as a result of recent events that you are not healed, coulple's counselling will be of little benefit.

I am a year and a half out, and I have just given up on couple's counselling, for now at least. We have been attending one session a month for the last 6 months, and the sessions were not helpful. They only deepen my husband's shame, guilt and rebellion, and my anger, self-righteousness and helplessnes. I believe it's because neither of us are fully healed as individuals. I am still haunted by anger, at my husband, at the OWs, and at this cruel and unjust world. My husband still has unresolved issues from his previous marriage and his loss of identity as a human being from the SA.

Finally, I want you to know you are not alone in many other respects. Like your husband, mine is highly educated and intelligent. Like you, I feel rage when I look back and think I made a mistake by looking for a mate with those qualities - because he has used those qualities against me!

Also, like you, I had no clue all the time he was cheating on me for 7 years. Sure, 20/20 hindsight now offers some glimpses of "discrepancies" with his activities, but they never would have added up sufficiently for me to be alarmed. Do you feel duped, stupid, angry with him for using his smarts so successful to lie, angry with yourself for not discovering such long-term betrayal? If you do, I assure you that you are in good company.

And yes, the irony is that my husband has also always loved me. Even when he was cheating, he still loved me and he still paid a lot of attention to me. He would introduce me to all his family and friends, take me to work functions, hold my hands and kiss me in public. It is not a situation where he had emotionally or physically abandoned me for years and I did not know why. Again, my dear dear friend, you are not alone.

Hang in there. Give yourself permission to slow down. Grieve fully. Focus on yourself first.

My thoughts are with you.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, October 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And yes, the irony is that my husband has also always loved me. Even when he was cheating, he still loved me and he still paid a lot of attention to me. He would introduce me to all his family and friends, take me to work functions, hold my hands and kiss me in public. It is not a situation where he had emotionally or physically abandoned me for years and I did not know why.

This is also my situation in some respects. I honestly believe my H has always loved me, no matter what he was doing and even though his behaviour would shout to the world he felt differently. He has always 'talked me up' to others and in fact, I heard this all the time; how he talked about me as if I were his goddess.

However, that was the problem in some respects. He has admitted that he has thought of me like a Madonna; the Virgin Mary kind, not the singer. :-) As a result, our intimate life was hindered. He had to imagine me as some other woman, often one of his porn favourites, in order to have sex. And then he would feel guilty for 'defiling' me by thinking this way. Eventually the sex just stopped. He simply couldn't perform with this woman on a pedestal.

He has been talking about his horribly skewed vision of women. On one hand, he is the consummate gentleman, treating women like fine china. Women who meet him consider him a giant among men for this reason. On the other hand, he considers women as objects; objects to be used for sexual pleasure. He became more and more addicted to porn that degraded women. He admits to not liking his mother because she was 'dumb'. She wasn't dumb really; she chose to remain that way in order to survive. It also suited his old man for her to be this way.

Anyway, such convoluted dynamics in all of this. It will be absolutely amazing if he comes out of this with even a small measure of understanding the marital relationship as it should be. Where we will end up in all of this is still not determined.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch and 1step,

Thats very interesting hmmmm. My wife bragged me up for 22 years, to the point her friends and relatives thought I walked on water. (I never have by the way :))

within 4 months after she started her acting out I became the "same SOB you have always been"

go figure.

Of course since I am an SOB she has somebody to blame for her behavior. Pretty handy coincidence imo. :)

[This message edited by Stop at 8:07 PM, October 22nd (Thursday)]


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is VERY interesting to me honestly.

WH has long and continues to deny requiring any fantasy replacement to have sex with me. I have wondered in the past and again after this came out but he says not so. I've choosen to accept either he speaks the truth on that point, or it is a truth he will be able to bring to me as he recovers his own health and healing.

BUT, last summer I actually hit a crisis point. We had 6 children, several with special needs. We brought home a child from the fostercare system far more needy and intensive than the other 6 combined. Ultimately, we discovered in addition to the Cystic Fibrosis, Liver Disease and mental retardation we knew about he was also a violently aggressive Bipolar and a severe Autistic. BUT, we only began getting answers to what we were dealing with starting *this* year. Last year, we were overwhelmed and lost and I was drowning in all of it.

In the midst of this, my IUD failed and we shockingly found ourselves pregnant with an extremely high risk pregnancy (we went with the IUD because I nearly died in the birth of our 6th child and we weren't supposed to EVER do that again).

Anyway, in the midst of this nightmare, this child we had just adopted made false allegations against *me* claiming I was abusing him.

Now, this is not truly *his fault and today I understand this. He doesn't know truth from a lie and can be walked into claiming anyone is abusing him. But, our adoption case worker went off the deep end and we had to involve sevral of his specialists, the family doctor, his therapist AND the child's psychiatrists to defend us and point out that this child showed NO signs of abuse whatsoever.

The insult of being beaten up by this child daily while being threatened by our agency because of ludicris allegations made by walking this child into the complaint was simply too much for me.

I shut down emotionally. I quit caring about anything and I quit trying. I was like that for approximately 2 months honestly.

Okay, so in the middle of this, WH called our sons therapist frantic. He had NEVER seen me like this and had no idea what to do. And, I remember the therapist told him because it stunned him and it shocked me to see that it stunned him so much.

Therapist told WH that maybe I was not the superwoman WH thought I was. Maybe I was human like everyone else and I too had my breaking point. He suggested that WH support the work I normally did in the family that I was not doing, and to give me time and space to recover from this incident.

So, there are 2 significant things about y'alls discussion that related to this. First, WH was stunned that I was NOT a superwoman. Second, fully half of his entire 5 years of acting out occurred while I was emotionally and physically shut down.


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, there are 2 significant things about y'alls discussion that related to this. First, WH was stunned that I was NOT a superwoman. Second, fully half of his entire 5 years of acting out occurred while I was emotionally and physically shut down.

Wow, lost2chaos, you certainly had your plate full in the last while. I have to give you kudos for doing the work that you do, with foster children, etc. I could never do what you do. I'm just not made of that kind of amazing stuff. I am in awe of folks like yourself and I cannot express my admiration for you in words.

I do understand the whole concept of my SAH escalating when I shut down. I got very ill before and even more so, after our son died. I honestly believe my susceptibility to chronic illness was in large part to living with an SA, added to by my unresolved baggage with FOO issues. I really was the 'perfect' choice for a mate for my broken, then fiance, and eventually husband. We really did seek each other out, albeit subconsciously. We were perfect enablers for each other. We really were the only ones that could tolerate our respective mates: at the same time, we made each other sicker. KWIM?

What I really wanted to share in this post, was a statement my SAH made to me a few weeks (months?) ago. My rambling above seems necessary, in my convoluted little mind, to set that one little statement up. I asked my H why he did not seem to be concerned with the real possibility I may just walk away from the marriage at some point. To preface this by even more rambling......Many months ago, I asked him if he would 'fight for me' if I did leave. His response was 'no' he would not. Why? Because he would feel that I had made my decision based on careful thought and he believed trying to change my mind would be futile. At the time, I was close to devastated by his response. I so wanted to believe he would fight to the death for me and my love for him. Now I recognize that was manipulation, something he has used with me/us our entire marriage; survival, pure and simple.

Anyway to finally hit on my point...when I asked him why he did not seem to be all that worried that I may just up and leave at some point, he responded with, "I have always had faith in you." Now seriously, what the h*ll does that mean?

If I did not stay, does that mean his faith in me was misplaced? Doesn't that attitude put the success of this relationship all on me? Would he resort to disappointment in my core character if I made a different decision than the one he felt my *superior* moral fiber, if you will, would have made?

I'm not in a snit over this any more and have not been for some time. This is one of his emotional survival techniques. He does not, or at least did not, have the maturity to understand at even a basic level, how manipulative such a statement demonstrates/ed.

He used to constantly confront me with my tendency to feel guilty for so many things I thought, said and did. He would counsel me to quit feeling so guilty and work towards feeling confident with myself. Yet in a paradoxical twist, he used this very weakness of mine to survive; to control the situation so he could avoid his demons.

Oh boy, this relationship stuff, especially when SA and co-dependency are involved, is so complicated. It's interesting when it's happening to someone else, like those whom I discuss with my students in the work I do (mental health). However when it's you in this game, it's a different kettle of fish, yeah?


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Silla
♀ New Member
Member # 23443
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost2chaos
I am so sorry for what you are facing; one month into discovery, your pain and confusion is very fresh. It has been 13 months since discovery for me and I am still learning and discovering a lot about this traumatizing SA thing. Keep writing, there are a lot of wise women and men in this forum who will support you.
birdwatch said ďAnd yes, the irony is that my husband has also always loved me. Even when he was cheating, he still loved me and he still paid a lot of attention to me. He would introduce me to all his family and friends, take me to work functions, hold my hands and kiss me in public. It is not a situation where he had emotionally or physically abandoned me for years and I did not know why. Again, my dear dear friend, you are not alone. ď

Now my SAH tells me that he has always loved me and desired me very much. He says he never had any intention to find someone to love or to replace me with another woman. He truly believes he wasnít hurting me when he was acting out because he didnít love these women and he merely used them as sex objects period.
Before the discovery I truly believed he loved me because he made me feel that way, he was very expressive about how much I meant to him and how his life would be incomplete without me and the kids. He gave me no reason to doubt his love for me.
But now I donít believe any part of that, because he lied about a lot of things so there is no way to know what the truth is other to know from his actions and behaviors.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I am new on this particular board. I just keep finding out more and more about WH. I now suspect that he is a love/sex addict. I have found evidence of his continued obsession with the OW (who dumped him) - he sends her daily messages even though she doesn't respond. And, I just found evidence of him looking for hookups on Craigslist and Yahoo Messenger.

My question is this: is it typical for the LA/SA to be just horrible to their spouse/partner when they are using? WH has been downright mean lately about my appearance, my clothes, etc. He's been saying some really weird things - like I have bangs and I should've gotten rid of them when they went out of style in the 80's - WTF? I guess I didn't realize he was now a style expert - must be reading my magazines or something. LOL.

He never, ever said anything about my appearance in the past. If he said anything, it was always complimentary. He was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, etc.

I don't take his comments personally because, 1) I don't believe what he says to be true and 2) the comments are just stupid. I have come a long way building up my self-esteem in therapy and his commments probably would've ruined me two years ago.

Any words of wisdom here?


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.