So, I decided that I should-but I am not going to anytime soon. His SA is all about looking at porn. He said he barely ever m-bate. (this bothers me for some reason).
His CSTAT didn't recommend it and his 12 step group didn't FOR HIM. In fact, I think that if we go forward the number one warning sign that he is slipping into addiction is-a lack of intimacy in our relationship-the physical too.
One frustrating thing about SA for me--unlike alcoholism-there aren't really any set guidelines. i.e. "don't drink." He isn't looking at porn. But that's was just a part of it.
Oh, I am not going to anytime soon b/c he treated me crappy this morning=buzz kill!
[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 2:30 PM, September 11th (Friday)]
fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009
We began MC- but WS would not open up in the sessions. Eventually, our counselor brought up the idea that she thought he was a SA. I began to monitor the computer (he was always online) and was completely shocked at what i found. He was viewing porn almost daily. I confronted him, we continued counseling, and he swore to never do it again. Sounded so believable. The history on the computer always looked clean.
After 3 months, my WH quit going to MC with me. He said we couldn't afford it. I told him he had to get help of some kind- he always said "i know". In January 09 i put a computer monitoring program on our PC. The very first night, I discovered he was looking at porn. I did not disclose my sources, but just had a good heart-to-heart with WS that night. Told him he HAD to get help to stay in the marriage with me. I told him he had 6 months to get a good program going which included IC, SA meetings, and a CSAT evaluation. I told him we were adults, that i wasn't going to nag him, but he had 6 months. Period. Meanwhile, I just sat back and watched. And got sick
Every night when I would go to work, WS was logging on to porn sites and looking at inappropriate Facebook profiles and photos. Two separate occasions I found photos of girls that he printed off our computer. We would often times make love- then he would wait until i fell asleep, and be on the computer looking at porn. I waited 6 months. I can't believe it-but I did. And of course he never sought help.
Now- I have consulted an attorney. I have built up a wall around my heart. I have resigned myself that he will never change. I tell him i want a divorce- and he flips. Cries, makes more promises, genuinely acts remorseful. He has acted remorseful before. I love him- but i don't want to live this way!
How in the world do you know if they are sincere?
[This message edited by happyending at 9:04 PM, September 11th (Friday)]
How in the world do you know if they are sincere?
By their actions. I don't doubt that he's sincere in wanting to stay in the marriage and that he loves you. As for being sincere about changing and stopping the SA behaviour?? He's shown you that he won't -- no matter your threats, timelines and ultimatums.
You have set very clear boundaries and now need to make it clear that you're going to take care of you. If you back down, you're sending the message that your boundaries are negotiable or changeable. If that's the case, then they serve no purpose to you or him. I'm not trying to take a hard line with you or encourage you to do something you're not ready to do. However, if you were sincere in your boundary setting -- that you simply cannot stay in a marriage with someone who won't go into recovery for his SA -- then it's time to respect yourself enough to maintain that boundary.
You can't force his recovery. You can, however, up the ante enough that he just might be more afraid of losing you than facing his own demons (which can be terrifying for addicts). In the meantime, have you been tested for STDs? Are you taking steps toward your own healing?
We're all here for you. Keep posting if you have other questions. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. We all know how painful this is...
Been there, done that, have that t-shirt.
Been waiting to see what happened for 10 months after my world blew up last October. WH had a 4 night stand while on business out of country. Then I find out he bought a laptop for his daughter in July, (Long story) and kept it from me. (Not a good idea to rebuild trust after being an admitted sex addict and recovering alcoholic) Then made only one voluntary promise to me after attending workshop for sex addicts that he wouldn't rent R movies with nudity. Guess what? Strangely I found out. That was it for me. I think something big or little can happen at this point where you hearts door just closes. I asked him, "Do you want the secrets and the lies and nudity or do you want a relationship?" There will be no rebuilding if/when you keep doing this stuff. So I moved. Shocked the hell out of him. I think he thought I didn't have the money or wouldn't do it. Plus didn't share where I moved to. I just found out it's driving him crazy. I now have peace and love my new home. Is it what I wanted? No. But he wouldn't stop. And my sanity considering he has been hiding a porn and alcohol problem for 12 of 13 yrs of our marriage is unthinkable. And the circumstances of the A I can barely handle even 10 months down the road. He is a prick. He is detached. Maybe with more sobriety that will change. But I tell you gather your strength and get some peace....
Im sorry to all of you that are sharing in this frustrating "addicted spouse" club!
I sometimes just feel like giving up! He is doing NOTHING! NEVER mentions counseling, recovery groups or anything! He is NOT transparent. I don't trust him and I believe I NEVER will. But, things are going along JUST FINE! That's because I am not asking questions, nagging about CSAT, or anyother help for him. Just like Tnkrbell23, and happyending, Im just waiting. I haven't set a time frame. Just know that when Im done with nursing school, and feel I can support myself, I may look into GPS, VAR and anything else I come across, to PROVE to myself....HE WON"T EVER CHANGE! I feel no HOPE. Unless I want to live a LIE for the rest of my life....
Am I sounding rediculous???
[This message edited by whatnowaz at 1:15 AM, September 12th (Saturday)]
They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!
I second guess myself constantly. I think because I love him so much and I feel like I must have been able to have done something to prevent this. I know that's not the truth, but sometimes it feels that way. I know that is the condependent side of me. Ugh, I had no idea life could be this painful and that my STBXH would be the person to cause this pain.
I don't know if it is the drama, the fact that it gives me a "project" or something to do(and I am really busy enough, I don't need another project), or just that when I first get with these guys, they all actually seem MORE emotionally available, all 4 that I have been with started out talking really deeply with me, about life and feelings and problems, where it seems like the more normal guys that want to date me are just more interested in hobbies and work and stuff, and I like the deep stuff. But the funny thing is, with the addicts, after I am "hooked", they clam up emotionally. It is like they know they need that to pull me in, then they quit.
I'm still working on this one and currently reading Codepedent no more, so I hope that will help!
I so identify with what you are saying. I could have written it myself. Even though I have made the decision to file (at least on some level), I keep worrying that I might be messing up. I keep thinking "what if this IS the time he changes". It makes me so sick......so hard to let go once and for all.
Yes, it IS very hard to let go! That's why so many of us stay. DO NOT beat yourself up! You are ONLY HUMAN!!! This is all a part of the process...hang in there! We are sending hugs!
[This message edited by whatnowaz at 12:04 AM, September 13th (Sunday)]
You know, I've begged my WH to come clean with all that he has done so I can get my health in order. He swears that he was only physical with others early on in our M and that the rest were EA's. I don't believe him. How could someone lie when they see the health problems their W was having and knowing it might be from their acting out? I will never understand that.
I got numerous UTI's at one point in my life, simply from a course of antibiotics being used to treat strep throat.
My question is, am I seeing what I think he is or is it possible that some SAís are in some ways mentally immature or they donít see the world d the way most of us do? I also question myself how come I didnít notice anything like this before?
I would appreciate any feedback or sharing.
Yes, yes, yes. in fact, after my H had been with his CSAT about a month, H noticed the same thing about himself!
He said, emotionally, it is like his development arrested at about the age his SA developed, maybe 11-13ish. And if you think about it, it makes sense. SA is an intimacy disorder, an unhealthy way of coping. The age they develop that as a coping mechanism is the age in which they stop trying to develop other, more healthy, more mature coping mechanisms. So emotionally, they quit maturing, in a large part.
With sobriety, working the program and working on new skills with their CSAT, it does get better.
My H is coping with some major league shit right now, in healthy ways, and it simply amazes me the progress he has made in just 6 short months with his CSAT. He is by no means finished with that work, but the progress has been astounding.
I have the simple hope that H can maintain his progress to date for the next 6 months until chemo is done, and then resume his progress emotionally and physicaly.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I too have had multiple vaginal infections over the years. BV is what they called it...bacterial vaginosis. Some Dr.'s said it was STD related, others said my body could naturally cause it. Funny I did NOT have a single one when I was PG with my last child, and for atleast a year after I had her. But, in the past two years they came on and off. So, I DO believe you could have been having infections because of his infidelity! Also, I'm sure your Dr is going to check for HPV. I too contracted this, but not sure where. It is very common. Unfortunately, mine caused pre-cancerous cells, at the highest level and I had to have surgery in the hospital. HPV would not and cannot be detected by anything other than the lab.
I don't mean to scare you, but your concerns are valid. Every year I went in for my Pap, I asked for all the routine std tests. I always made the excuse " I know I'm married, but you never know". Then the last time I go in, I find my WH gave me herpes...I was devaststed!
Today, I just feel done! I just want to walk away. He isn't doing ANYTHING we have talked about, not recovey croups, or CSAT. I'm barely speaking to him. I'm definately NOT sleeping with him. I have dreams all of the time, about him cheating....I just don't know what to do!
[This message edited by whatnowaz at 1:43 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]
I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and frustrated, though it's understandable under the circumstances. If you can, try to focus on you...rather than on what he is or isn't doing.
He's clearly not working on himself but you can work on yourself so that you'll stronger and less affected by him.
Take care of yourself, do things that make you feel good, start carving out a life without him in order to get your balance again. It's hard, but worth doing.