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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2br02b, that is some positive progress, there. RN seems really interesting. Glad he's doing it.

Still, I can't help but notice that he DIDN'T come to you with it, and he DIDN'T own it right away. Not to take away from your positive feelings, but just because I have let things slide and now I'm too aware, too vigilant. So, forgive me if this is totally out of line!

The rest of it all sounds good, though!


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz, what will you do about him not going to SA? Sounds like he is hoping you'll forget.

I can't believe how big and deep those lies can go. I assume it must be the same for other SAs? X has an unrelenting capacity for hiding and lying. He simply can't see how hurtful it is, and still thinks it was my fault that he acted out recently, even though he continues his scary downward spiral even now that we've ended the relationship.

I assume they tackle this in SA or SLAA. It's so awful to live with. It affects all my interactions. I'm watchful and quieter.

Today was ok. Really. He stayed over, on the couch, last night, after a lot of arguing and disagreeable attitudes from both of us. I recognized, finally what was happening -- he was closed off, and it first scares me, then I get frustrated and anxious, then angry. And then he shows total lack of empathy and treats me like an annoyance.

It all started because I told him, Monday, that I could not be friends since he violated the two things I asked for as a friend - respect and honesty. It seems silly that we are trying to be friends, I suppose, but we are very isolated and both struggling, and sometimes it feels like we need each other. And really, I prefer a happy breakup.

After I told him I was going to treat him as he treated me - silence and ignoring, he texted me a few hours later saying his life was over. Said I was right so often. That he had nowhere to turn and didn't know what to do. He said he wanted to run.

Of course, I let myself take the bait. I told him he could ask to talk to me if he wanted. He did, he texted back, but wanted to talk over text. I said no, he could call me from the privacy of his car if it was important to him. I wasn't going to deal with him being distracted by others in the room...

He didn't call again for hours, and then it was from my driveway, right after I got in the tub. He came in and talked to me from the hall. He seemed squirrelly. Said he would talk "a little
about the HUGE CRISIS text. THen he left soon after, not telling me - just leaving a note. I was so ticked off. Wasn't in the mood for a roller coaster. I'd been totally worried since he texted, and didn't like the stupid game. I had worked hard to not call or text him, after sending him the text about taking time to go to his car for privacy.

He did drive back, which amazed me. I told him I thought he was afraid to tell me what he had screwed up. He disagreed. I told him it was rude to walk out like that. He said "I left a note!" I pointed out that I was less than 10 feet away when he did that and it would've been normal to just raise his voice and tell me.

Anyway, he never admitted much of anything. Revealed another lie - he told me earlier he just had been hanging out with his music friend all day, and that the prostitute who lives with his friend was there, but with her boyfriend all day. Really he had spent time out at the bar gambling with the prostitute friend. Again. And he's been taking her to this bar where he went last year and picked up prostitutes and took them to the motel next door, where they simply took a hot tub with him, for hours, and answered giggling every time I called.

That was one of the most painful episodes from pre-D-Day, and he and I had been going to go back there and retrace his steps. The fact that he had been taking the new prostitute, T., there really felt like he was extending his middle finger at me. He disagreed. It was just near their friend's house. Hmm.

I pointed out that he had lied, and he said, "The majority of my day I was with D., playing guitar. The bar part was a very small part of the day."

He also said the boyfriend was with T all day, but he didn't get there until 5:30, about the time that X wrote me that frantic text... hmmmm.

I again brought up the text he sent T a few days ago, the one that said, "when can we talk." He maintains that it was simply sent to get her to open the door, because he had knocked and she didn't answer. I do not believe that is the sort of text one would send for that request.

I pointed out he was vague about that entire day. The timing didn't make sense. He said he had told me but I hadn't listened. Hmmm. That's not like me.

Didn't get any closer to figuring out why he sent that text. He said he really had nothing to say and that he realized he can't come running to me whenever he falls down/ But how did he fall down? And isn't that what friends are for? And he rarely comes running to me at all when he's in this binge mode. He becomes cold and quiet and irritable. Resentful even.

By bedtime I was fed up. I had had a really crappy day, and the previous night was bad. He was in the liv. room and I went out and just started talking. I asked him why he told T. the other day, that she has a sexy ass. I said, I've got a nicer one and you've NEVER told me that (given me 5 or 6 compliments, that's it, the whole time we're together). He told me it was because I DON'T WEAR THE KIND OF PANTS SHE WEARS. I wear plenty of tight jeans. But I am not a hooker. And he already has my love and attention, so he didn't need to compliment me. Waste of breath. I pointed this out to him, but he had no reply.

It then became evident that we would not get anywhere, and he truly seemed to tired to drive. He went to sleep on the couch, and I went to bed.

Around 6 am I got up and missed him too much. I went and got him, and we slept longer, without sex, but comfortable and snuggled. It was nice. When we woke up he brought me breakfast, and it was regular him again. Sweet, warm, more open. He talked about getting help for his problems, that he was at rock bottom. I told him of the difficulties I'm having, and cried a bit. He offered some help he won't ever follow through on.

He kept staring at me with a surprised or something look. I didn't know why. He said that I was very sweet and he liked me when I wasn't angry. I thought to myself, "Me too. That's why I asked you to leave."

We talked about losing the relationship, and what a sad thing that was. I told him my secret desire was that we both got healthier and got ourselves together and came back to each other with our best selves.

It was all really nice. I was ready for him to leave anytime, and then his friend, the music guy, D., called and asked X if he could put T., the prostitute up at his new place for a few days. X sat down and explained it to me, a bit sadly. BUt he clearly wanted to do it. She would clean for her room and board, and the place he's staying is filthy, he says.

I was apalled. We had gone over, 2 or three times, recently, why I found his attitude towards her, and his actions with her, to be alarming, and that this was a big part of why I ended things. He seemed to totally not understand, as if he were a dog and I was explaining the Theory of Relativity.

I knew instantly what I had to do. "I love you, I want to be your friend," I said calmly, with no emotion but warmth. "But, I cannot be your friend while you are hanging out with these people, and pursuing that woman. It is bad for me. It would be better if you didn't lie, but every time you do something with her, you lie. And she knows more about your life now than I do. That triggers bad memories, and the lies trigger more anxiety."

He looked shocked, hurt, offended. I was sane, quiet. firm. I offered to explain it again. And he said he got it, but not more than ten minutes later, he asked why I was saying we can't be friends. I felt like his SA part of him was not letting the logic of my words in and that he was trying desperately to understand.

I ache for him. He drove away and I was so very sad. Huge part of me gone. Wrenching. Felt like he was close to being dead, he's being so self-destructive, and may well be dead to me, as far as I know. But I had to close that door while he's in this Binge state. He is truly blaming his actions on me or my looks, which are FINE.

I thought my night would be awful. My son came home from out of town but then went to a friend's. My housemate/friend took me out for a drink but then had to go see his GF. And that's my world!

But I asked my housemate/friend to take my cell phone. That way I could not give in and text or call X. It worked. Put him out of my mind. I did write two short emails, but kept them simple. I regret that I wrote them, actually. I have an email account I set up a year ago to send my emails to, when I wanted to write to him.

I feel strength the more time passes that we are apart.

It is tragic and sad, but the longer he is out of my sight and mind, the more I start to see how messed up this whole relationship was.

[This message edited by imtrying at 6:46 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imtrying,
You said:
Still, I can't help but notice that he DIDN'T come to you with it, and he DIDN'T own it right away. Not to take away from your positive feelings, but just because I have let things slide and now I'm too aware, too vigilant. So, forgive me if this is totally out of line!

Not out of line at all and the point is not lost on me or my husband. However, as we learn in Recovery Nation; the patterns of compulsivity run deep. It's an immaturity thing - they are emotionally immature. That fact that he was after just 5 minutes (instead of the days/weeks/months/years before) admiting he screwed up and shared with me that on his Values List from RN;
Item 1 - is being honest to me and don't lie even by omission and to tell H when ex-boss or excoworker email or call is encouraging in itself. Then to have him realize he has an emotional attachment to the secrecy is HUGE! That's real progress.

It's all baby steps and my husband took some very important baby steps thanks to me not being reactive but proactive.

I am extremely encouraged.

[This message edited by 2br02b at 8:31 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)]


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When confronted with some of his SA acting out behaviors recently, STBXH switched from holing up in his room, to following me around the house interrogating me on what I knew and how I found out. Never was there an apology or acknowledgement for hurting and disrespecting me. It was all about him and how to preserve his image and make me the "bad guy" for "snooping" on him. Finally had to tell him to leave me alone and that I was done discussing it.

Anyone else go through something similar?


Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
1 day at a time
♀ New Member
Member # 24787
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question...

What are everyone's thoughts on entering an inpatient facility for SA treatment? I attended my first S-Anon meeting the other night and 2 out of the 8 women there said their husbands went into rehab. I am curious if anyone has any experience with this.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Philadelphia
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH also spent a lot of time in the bathroom, more than any other guy I've been with, and always with the water running also. Ich.

mermaidsd - He is trying to find out how you know what you know so he can hide it better. Don't give up your sources!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post!

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 1:13 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
OneTooMany?
♀ New Member
Member # 24672
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 day - my H considered a 30 day treatment center, but our health insurance only covers about 5 days of the stay for addiction-related treatment, so it would have cost about 30,000 out of pocket. We simply could not afford it. Right now, he's attending 3 meetings a week and calling 3 SA people a day as part of his recovery and seeing his IC weekly - I'm hoping that is enough. We're also doing 90 day abstinence contract, which is one of the things they will suggest in the inpatient center.

Hope that helps!


Married 13 years, betrayed many times. Have two wonderful kids and hoping we can still make this work.

"To love is not just to look at each other but to look together in the same direction." ~ Antoine de St. Exupery


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2009
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's so great, 2br02b.
It must feel like new light and hope with each step. And really, from where I'm standing, each baby step is a huge step.

I don't know how someone ever stops the lying and hiding. I know it seems to cause my X as much or even more anxiety when I ask him to tell the truth as it causes me to know he won't. So, yes, these baby steps are GIGANTIC.

It really amazes me that I can have FACTS in hand, and he'll just maintain, No, not true. Nothing there.

Maybe this new phenomenon he has - of blushing when he's got something big he's hiding is a positive sign - like he can't hold it in so well anymore.

UGh. so hard to deal with.

And then there's me. I am acting on my addiction to -not being able to keep to zero contact with him. I sent him 4 emails today? lots of links and copy and pasted stuff about Sex/Love Addiction.

At least I forced myself to read the stuff with an eye on myself - because I'm right in there.

It's all hard. And I can't sleep much or at the right time. And I feel so weak.

But it will get better, right? Right!

Honestly, I think inpatient would be fantastic. I'd go for sure, if it were in the realm of possibility.

But for him - to be away from porn, and porn stores, and loose women, and all that tempts him, but with support and therapy and learning from his peers. It would be so much more effective.

I don't know how he'll ever stop, out in the jungle. But, not mine to worry about.

I DO worry though about all these men in the bathroom running water... what the heck???


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, crazy and insanely busy. Keep trying to catch up. Have done a few fly by posts around here and there. But alas I'm off again...

Things should calm down in the next couple of weeks...

I do check PMs and I *try* to reply there if anyone needs me.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about denial

I'm not talking about denial to the BS to keep their truths from being found out. I'm talking about the SA being in denial with HIMSELF.

Recently FWH was diagnosed as "borderline SA" (which of course he took to mean he's "just fine"). I was talking to my CSAT (who works closely with FWH's CSAT) and told her that his acting out is very odd. He doesn't know I have a keylogger on the computer and he goes Incognito (meaning his activites won't show up in history) so he really doesn't know that I can tell what he's doing. He thinks he's secretive and getting away with it.

But even thinking he's "safe" from being found out, he doesn't go to regular porn sites. He's taken to viewing "unintentional porn". He goes to a torrent site (where he downloads shows for our kids) and there happens to be ads for AFF and random still shots of women. And last night I caught him on tshirthell (tshirt site) which seems to have a section where they show customer-submitted photos of women in their t-shirts. He NEVER clicks on anything on those sites. It's almost like he's convincing himself it's not porn and he's not doing anything wrong.

My CSAT said it sounds like there's a lot of denial there. And then she mentioned maybe using a polygraph to get to what's the truth (both for him and for my own sake).

Is it common for the SA to have that kind of denial with themselves? Any hope of him EVER getting it? We've been seeing CSATs for 5 months now.

[This message edited by hoping2heal at 7:02 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping2Heal,
My SAH has struggled with his abstinence since October. (Just to give you an idea how the denial is so silly for him.)

For months a big part of his problem has been that he will open things like celebrity articles, such as most sexy best dressed etc, and get just enough thrill. Sports Illustrated has no full nudity, but it was enough for my SAH. These things for him he has finally after all this time, learned ARE acting out for him. Women at walmart can be enough to bring on fantasies. Hell, some commercials are too much for him now.
Yes, I think it they can be in denial to themselves about that level. Look at the people around him; no one else thinks it is much of a "big deal" either, so denial is that much more comfortable.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h2h;
The lying to themself, the distorted thinking, the rationalizing and justifying are extremely common. As is the bargaining about what is and isn't acting out, trying to hold on to some "stash", some way to keep a supply for their fix. H's was scanning. All guys look, right, surely anyone who tried to tell him this was acting out was crazy, huh? Heck was he supposed to walk around looking at the ground all of the time. Nobody was going to control him to that degree.

See, he's not going to regular porn sites, he's just stumbling across these harmless picture (in a systematic and calculated way - oops he forgot to tell himself that part) - he's even doing the work of getting himself to buy the lie.

Yeah, h2h, it is common.

(((((h2h)))))


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought of something funny in relation to this denial they are so good at.

As I said, SAH is just now getting real about his abstinence and hopefully sobriety. (I need to write it all later to share)
In short, he has been unable to make it past 45 days with his abstinence. Since October?!
Around the end of April, after another resetting of his time, we were talking. He said something offhand about recently "still wondering" about whether he was SA or not. I could not stop laughing. 5 times of seriously acting out and unable to resist, and you still wondered?

The obvious escapes them.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
MoonLitSmile
♀ Member
Member # 24746
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

posted this in general, but thought someone in here may be able to tell me if I'm over reacting???

Found on accident last night that my FWH ordered an ADD med on-line, something he has not been prescribed. He is a rSA so I'm concerned because of his addictive personality, not to mention all of the other issues with taking prescribed meds w/o a doctor's supervision. Also, in the order were 4 FREE viagra pills which he claimed he didn't know about. A few minutes later he suddenly remembered that yes, they are in his order BUT he didn't request them- they just threw them into his shopping cart and there was nothing he could do about it!!! He ordered this crap a couple of days ago ans says it slipped his mind and forgot to tell me. My stomach is in such a knot right now and I can not function. The two year anti~versary of D~DAY his A is in ten days. I feel like I am reliving that horrible time all over again...


Me- 40
FWH- 40 recovering SA

Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself

DDay- July 13, 2013

Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman


Posts: 719 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Southeastern PA
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MoonLitSmile,

I think, regardless of whether it was in fact an oversight (which I doubt), that he's not being honest with himself and you about his recovery. I'm not the person to be offering advice about that right now because I'm really struggling with it myself.

Which brings me to my own request: I could really use some help broaching a conversation with my SAH about his recovery. He's not really talking to his IC anymore (they always did it by phone since the IC is out of town, but a specialist in the field of SA). The IC has suggested a number of times that my husband find someone locally...but my husband hasn't. Says he wants someone covered by insurance (which won't be easy) but hasn't tried to find anyone. Says he's "therapied out" right now and needs some time off (something I said myself after I found about the SA and my mom died -- two weeks apart. Just needed to catch my breath). He goes sporadically to meetings (ie. once every couple of weeks) and doesn't really like them because of the "God" thing. He's Catholic but really has issues with the religious aspect of the meetings because of his parents "forcing" him to go to church, etc. He always has an excuse for everything -- EVERYTHING. And any time I suggest that I'm still struggling -- he won't talk to me about it, etc, etc. -- he gets angry at me. And anger is my own issue. I get anxious and "small" when people get angry at me.
I'm rambling, but I know I need to have a conversation with him. He's stopped the acting out but he's a "dry drunk" in the parlance of AA. He hasn't addressed the behaviors, I believe, that has led to the SA. He will argue until he's blue in the face that he has addressed them. So why then, don't I feel anything is different? Why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel so alone? Why is his anger still such an issue? What do I say to him? Please?????
The other issue is that he's absolutely paranoid about anyone finding out about his SA -- I feel very muzzled. I hate the secrecy. I grew up with it with an alcoholic mother and I feel like I'm going through it again. He's terrified of losing me...but simply will NOT admit that he's still the same person...just no longer acting out.

Help???


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
OneTooMany?
♀ New Member
Member # 24672
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me just preface this by saying that my SAH is so early in recovery (as am I) that I cannot offer great advice - I can tell you how I feel I would respond....

MoonLitSmile - my SAH abused a prescription ADHD medication and managed to come clean from that 1 1/2 years ago - he ended up losing 60 pounds and the withdrawal was intense. His IC told him that the Adderall and the sexual acting out both release the same chemicals in the brain. I'm not saying your H is intending to abuse these meds, but I would be very concerned about him ordering this medication without a doctor's advice - most ADHD medication is a form of methamphetamine and it is highly addictive and highly destructive to the body and brain. The Viagra along with it is just icing on a crap cake - this is a serious issue. He needs to talk to his SA sponsor about this as well as his medical doctor and IC. If he truly has concerns about adult ADHD he will need to see a psychiatrist.

Eternaloptimist - have you talked to your IC about how to have this talk with your SAH? Are you two in MC? I can TOTALLY relate to your post - I found myself rereading it and crying - it's definitely the MO of a SA to have an explanation or an excuse for everything. It also seems that while we as the BS are struggling, the H doesn't want to hear it because it makes them guilty, so they respond in anger or frustration. I too find myself muzzled (what an excellent choice of word!) by the secrecy surrounding his SA.

While I have no answers, I want you to know that you are not alone. PM me anytime. I would also recommend RCA if you can find it in your area - the philosophy behind RCA is a three-legged stool - one leg represents his recovery, one is your recovery, and one is the recovery of the relationship - if any one of those legs is not functioning 100%, the stool falls over. In regards to your situation, if he is not working 100% at his recovery, he is compromising your relationship. If you can find an RCA meeting, it could be helpful.

With regards to the "God" element of the 12 step programs - many of the people who attend 12 steps are agnostic or atheist - I've actually heard it referred to as "spirituality for the spiritually bereft". He is not required to say "God" or to pray to attend, and can talk to his sponsor about revising the 12 steps to represent his understanding of a "higher power". He may even be able to find humanist or agnostic meetings if he really feels uncomfortable. I agree with you that he is bristling about this as a way to excuse himself from going - if he cares enough about his recovery, he'll find a way to make it work.

I've rambled on enough now - I hope what I've said helps a little. I wish you both peace.

~OneTooMany


Married 13 years, betrayed many times. Have two wonderful kids and hoping we can still make this work.

"To love is not just to look at each other but to look together in the same direction." ~ Antoine de St. Exupery


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2009
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


(((((HUGS))))) to alll

Okay. Broken - you said your IC said you would probably be attracted to SA's in the future. Can you expound on that at all? I don't have another IC appointment for a few weeks, but I am a bit worried also that I may end up with another one.
Any idea what attracts us to these guys in the first place? And what to look for? I mean, honestly, I really had no clue in the beginning, and I wonder if I would pick up the clues early on, or if it would take until I am quite involved again!

That's what I'm afraid of. I'm also afraid that I dated a string of sex addicts b4 the current one.

Mermaidsd said:

Never was there an apology or acknowledgement for hurting and disrespecting me. It was all about him and how to preserve his image and make me the "bad guy" for "snooping" on him. Finally had to tell him to leave me alone and that I was done discussing it.

That sounds pretty textbook for an addict-serious blameshifting. That's always been an issue since I found it. It was never his fault for doing it, it was my fault for finding out. They don't want to face reality that they have a serious problem.


Just an update-SO and I are currently living in separate states. He's in a hotel for now, but he was talking about renting a room in a female's house. I told him I'd be upset, but I'm not sure if I really care. He's been going for about a week, and I feel a lot better about myself. I feel like I could almost bring sexy back lol.

He wants me to go out and see him...I'm not sure if I care to.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OneTooMany,

Thanks so much for your response -- and support. I haven't seen my IC in weeks (no childcare with kids out of school) but I'm going to try and get to her this week. I'm getting clearer in my own head about boundaries. My hurdle is that I feel like I'm trying to control him -- even though I know that setting boundaries is healthy for me. And it's increasingly clear to me that he's only doing the bare minimum and that the issues underlying his SA (his stress, his anger) are still there. He's shifted his focus to work -- in his family "workaholism" is an admirable thing (as long as you're making a lot of money). This is all so exhausting sometimes....but the more I read about those of you whose husband's are seriously in recovery, the clearer it becomes that my husband is NOT.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh, yeah, I realize now that one of my past boyfriends almost had to be SA. He had told me that he had visited prostitutes, he had a stack of porn in his room, and he never had a long term relationship.

He usually preferred women that were emotionally unavailable, as a married woman, and an alcoholic. He told me I was his first "normal" relationship. Whatever that means, anymore.

Oh, and the guy I am attracted to right now, he seems to know an awful lot about the Hugh Hefner party lifestyle, and the girls that hang out in the playboy mansion, and playmate of the month and all, so I am guessing he may have some issues, or maybe I just freaking paranoid these days.

He is single, after all, but who knows. I haven't dated him yet, I am too scared.


So, is your SO away for a job, or have you two decided to take a break for a while? I know, after my WS left, it was lonely for a while, but also, there was a part of me that felt relief.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

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