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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hoping2heal
Wow. Just, well, wow. I'm a little stymied by any counselor who would rely on a self-test for diagnosis instead of behavior.

You are always welcome here no matter the "official" diagnosis.

My advice is that you keep your monitoring software in place so that you can be aware of escalation. Don't obsess over it and don't spend all your time checking up on him obviously but trust your gut and check when you need to. I agree that you're not safe with him and that is sad.

Stick with your IC. Work on your stuff.

{{{hugs}}}
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all --

JustWow -- how are things?

imtrying -- are you OK?

Thanks so much to all of you who have BTDT and are still "doing that" -- you help all the rest of us so much.

A quick update and answering questions that you asked, 7.

WH posted his profile on Udate and Yahoo personals -- I don't know of any profiles he may have posted on AM or AFF. And I haven't heard anything really bad about the sites that I know about.

He is seeing a male CSAT, who led the disclosure session. It was my IC who told me that the CSAT believes WH (we gave them permission to discuss us). And while most of the "disclosure" was stuff that I knew before, I did learn that he'd been to massage parlors/hookers twice before, it was an "honest mistake" and nothing happened.

I hope you don't honestly believe that? One does not call a hooker by mistake.
(7yearsbetrayed)

No, I don't believe it. But I do think that WH believes it, and that's what bothers me. I see this as a denial of reality -- so then I wonder how much else he's denying. We did live in different cities for 3 years due to job and family responsibilities (saw each other on weekends), and that's when he posted his profiles and had his on-line activity. And during that time, he definitely started having ED -- sounds like that is not uncommon in the SA men. So is he denying the true nature of that, too?

No sex at all for 90 days is the only way to get clean and sober.

No, we haven't done this -- according to WH, he and CSAT discussed this and didn't think it was necessary. Now, I know I have to take WH's word with a grain of salt, but CSAT did not mention this at all in the disclosure session. Opinions?

WH has been attending SA meetings weekly (has been to 3 now) and intends to continue, which is a good thing.

I plan to talk to my IC at our next session and discuss the "higher power" issue -- specifically ask her to keep our sessions secular. I think she'd be willing to do that, and if not, then I know what to do next!

Thanks to you all for your advice -- you're all gems!

GTT


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone -

A quick update -

H came home from the hospital on Sunday afternoon, and he's happy to be home, in his own bed, with his own shower, and allowed to EAT! finally. He's been trying to wean back on the pain meds, and doing pretty well at that.

We just got word today that the cancer was present in 2 of the 13 (or 16?) lymph nodes they removed, so he will need chemotherapy. We will get an oncologist referral next Tues. when we go back to see the surgeon for follow-up.

Keep the mojo and good vibes coming, this is going to be a long ride.

Thanks.

JW

[This message edited by JustWow at 2:25 PM, July 30th (Thursday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettingthrutoday
And while most of the "disclosure" was stuff that I knew before, I did learn that he'd been to massage parlors/hookers twice before, it was an "honest mistake" and nothing happened.

Your SA actually said during a formal disclosure with his CSAT present that going to massage parlors/hookers was "an honest mistake and nothing happened" and his CSAT did not call him out for minimizing??? I have serious doubts about this CSAT.
And during that time, he definitely started having ED -- sounds like that is not uncommon in the SA men. So is he denying the true nature of that, too?

At your husband's age it could very well be a physical problem but there will be no way to determine that unless he gets 100% sober. If he achieves real sobriety and has worked through some of his emotional issues, and is still experiencing ED, it's probably a physical problem. If, after he is sober, you resume marital relations and he doesn't not have issues, then you'll know it was a component of his SA and acting out.
WH has been attending SA meetings weekly (has been to 3 now) and intends to continue, which is a good thing.
This is good because they at least define sobriety as involving no masturbation.
No, we haven't done this -- according to WH, he and CSAT discussed this and didn't think it was necessary.
Sobriety is not necessary? How can your SA work a recovery program without working at sobriety? Ask the CSAT those questions. I'm very curious to hear his answers. Not answers filtered through your SA, answers directly from the CSAT as to why he does not hold to the same standards as all other CSATs in explaining to his clients that in order to get sober one must abstain from all sexual activity (alone or with others) for a minimum of 90 days.

Now, whether or not you want to ask for an abstinence contract is entirely up to you. But it would be absolutely okay for you to do so in order to get some distance and work your recovery. I'm not telling you that you have to, it is obviously your choice. What I will do is make sure that you understand what sobriety is and is not.

Your SA is not sober. He will never get sober unless he goes through a fully abstinent period. 90 days is the minimum recommended by the experts. You cannot force him to be sober by asking for an abstinence contract. If you ask for it, it needs to be for YOU and not a means of controlling his addiction.

That said, keep this in mind. You probably don't know whether or not he's masturbating so even if you ask for the 90 day abstinence contract, he may not be getting sober during that time. If part of the goal of having the abstinence contract is to be supportive of him and his recovery you may be wasting your time if he's still acting out alone. There is nothing you can do about that obviously it's just something to keep in mind.

This is for EVERYONE:
Info on Abstinence Contracts:
The SA's CSAT (or IC) should be advising him to seek sobriety through a 90 day abstinence. This includes not having sex with you or himself (masturbation). In order to get fully sober he needs at least 90 days of NO sexual activity so that he can go through withdrawal and have the chemicals in his brain normalize so that he is not running everything through his distorted addict thinking. It is better if the 90 day abstinence is agreed to by both partners and discussed beforehand. After he goes through the initial withdrawal you will need to work on building emotional intimacy with NO sex. This is very important. SA is an intimacy disorder and he doesn't know how to have REAL intimacy without sex.

More info:
Excerpts from the books "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" and "L.I.F.E. Guide for Men" both by Mark R. Laaser

The first step is stopping sexual behaviors. This includes the three building-block behaviors - fantasy, masturbation, use of pornography - and any other behaviors addicts may have engaged in. Just as alcoholics need to stop drinking before they can be treated, sex addicts need to stop acting out before they can embark on the healing journey. {one tool to help an addict stop sexual behaviors is an abstinence contract}

Abstinence Contract:
It is vitally important for sex addicts to stop all sexual behaviors for at least 90 days. They should agree to an abstinence or celibacy contract, which states they will not be sexual with themselves (through masturbation) or anyone else, including a spouse. This contract achieves two basic purposes - one physiological and one intellectual. First, prolonged lack of sexual activity reverses the level of neuro-chemical tolerance addicts have built into their brains. Addicts may experience symptoms of detoxification not unlike an alcoholic, though not as severe. Most people really struggle with this contract somewhere between the seventh to fourteenth day depending on their past levels of sexual activity. {NOTE: From 7 and my rSA, we both have seen other literature and from experience know that the withdrawal can be difficult for up to 6 to 8 weeks! Though we agree it can START at 7 to 14 days.} After that, abstinence gets easier over time. Second, abstinence reverses the sex addict's core belief that "Sex is my most important need." Instead, the sex addict discovers, "Sex is NOT my most important need." This is why 90 days (though somewhat arbitrary) is symbolically important.

Married sex addicts commit to this contract with the mutual consent of their spouses. Spouses often welcome the abstinence contract because the addict has been continually initiating for years. Some are afraid of it because they believe if they are not sexual with the addict, it will discourage him or her from getting sober. Others resent the contract because they worry what they will do without sex. It is often wise to negotiate the abstinence contract with a counselor to avoid misunderstandings about the nature and purpose of the contract. A spouse should be aware that the frequency of sex is never a factor in determining if a sex addict stays sober.

Abstinence can't continue forever if the sex addict is married. In this regard, recovering from sex addiction is not like recovering from alcoholism. Alcoholics can abstain from alcohol for the rest of their lives, but sex addicts do not usually abstain from sex. Recovering from sex addiction is more analogous to recovering from food addiction. Food addicts can't stop eating forever, but they can learn to eat to nourish themselves when their bodies are hungry. Married sex addicts learn that sex with a spouse is appropriate and beautiful when, instead of being a way to avoid intimacy or escape negative feelings, it expresses the intimacy of marriage.

Reasons for Marital Abstinence
In addition to the neurochemical benefit, the most obvious advantage of an abstinence contract for the married sex addict is to take the sexual pressure off the relationship. For many couples, marital sex has been full of conflicts, arguments, and emotional pain. Perhaps, you've avoided sex with your wife and have preferred your acting out behaviors to connecting with her. In that case the pressure is from the absence of sex, but it's still pressure. Even if there's been little or no sexual activity in your marriage for a long time, you need to commit to an intentional period of abstinence. There's a vast difference in deliberately choosing to abstain from sex and in avoiding it because of your addiction.

Almost all sexual addicts (of either gender) are unable to be "present" during sexual activity, especially with their spouses. Instead of authentically making love with your wife, you likely are lost in fantasy about some other sexual experience, either real or imagined. You pretend you're with another partner or engaging in different sexual practices. You insist on darkening the room or you close your eyes to avoid being in the moment because your fantasies are more pleasurable than what's happening right now. In effect, you're still having "addict" sex even though the partner is your wife. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, remember? Taking a break from martial sex gives you the chance to start over in your marriage relationship and learn to be present mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before you add sexual intimacy. Abstinence provides a chance to create TRUE intimacy in your coupleship.

Excerpt from the book "Clinical Management of Sex Addiction" by Patrick Carnes, Kenneth M. Adams

{The partner} must agree to this form of abstinence and accept it for the potential benefit of increased emotional and spiritual intimacy and not as another form of abandonment. A period of 90 days has been the standard recommendation as a period of abstinence. Recently, I talked to two partners who had extended this for 17 months, slowing rebuilding increased physical intimacy until they eventually experienced genital intercourse again. Doing this, they found that they had allowed themselves the time to heal from many of their emotional issues that sex had previously triggered.

From my research and in my opinion the following things should be outlined in the contract in terms of your coupleship and marriage:
1. The duration (90 days minimum). You can set a definite duration or you can leave it open ended. Set an initial minimum duration (90 days) with a clause that if you both feel it would be beneficial, you can agree to extend the contract. Some couples find that things are going so well in terms of building real intimacy with no sex that at the end of the 90 days they will decide to extend it.)

2. A specific outline of what appropriate touching is and is not during this abstinence period.

3. A plan for building emotional intimacy in the relationship. (We chose to use the book ďThe Seven Principles of Making Marriage WorkĒ at the suggestion of our marriage counselor. Perhaps your CSAT will have recommendations or if you have an MC ask him/her.) We also ďdatedĒ and found things we enjoyed doing together to build closeness.

~~~~~~~~~~~
JustWow
Continued good thoughts coming your way! {{{hugs}}}

7


[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 1:03 PM, July 30th (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow --

Glad to hear he's home. Chemo isn't something to look forward to, I'm sure, but you can both get through this!

Thanks for the comments again, 7 -- I've been puzzled myself about those things. I can't figure out why the CSAT doesn't challenge him over the hooker/honest mistake crap.

I do think we need to do the 90 day abstinence period -- no matter what the CSAT supposedly says. Thanks for the information --

GTT


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow,

Sending lots of positive thoughts and energy your (and your husband's!) way.

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hoping2heal~ I am so sorry! That is beyond frustrating. That would be the last thing on earth I'd need to hear from his IC..."No, you are NOT a SA" That is why I am pushing so hard for him to see this CSAT I called the other day. He lives quite close to us and does appts. from his home office. I really wish you the best and hope you can find the peace you deserve!


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow - thanks for keeping us updated, I hope they get them all!

Sending healing thoughts your way....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't all that surprised that he didn't get the official SA diagnosis. From what I know he only looks at porn once a week for less than 10 minutes (of course I don't know what he does outside the house, but don't think he looks at porn at work). There was one week two years ago that he joined 6 married dating websites within one week (didn't contact anyone that I know of) and said he realized how DUMB it was for him to even entertain those thoughts so he quit and hasn't looked again (true as far as I know). So no, he doesn't meet the typical definition of a SA.

BUT, he comes from an addicted family (drugs & alcohol) and has that warped, distorted thinking that goes along with it. He just may not act out like someone else might. So regardless of the official diagnosis, we'll stick with the CSAT to treat the addictive personality.


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
RedheadTX
Member
Member # 19079
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 ĖI am really torn about the whole SA vs. LA thing. On the one hand, when I read a description for LA, it DOES resonate more for me and seems to be more applicable than SA to him, but I also think that there is a SA component to it that he is not facing. I really donít know if heís ready to change, even though I do know he recognizes that he needs to change.

Thank you all for the feedback and for sharing your stories. This thread is such a huge help for me.

So even though he sent the email saying he wouldnít go on this business trip to the town where most recent OW is and where I busted him on last D-Day (1 month ago)Öhe is now on this business trip. He did forward me an email that verifies that this trip is actually business, and I guess that helps but it doesnít make me feel much better. No matter what heís actually THERE for, if he wants to see her, he will. I canít control that, but that doesnít mean that it doesnít hurt me. At this point (although this is certainly subject to change) I donít even feel the need to snoop or check up on him or whatever. Itís not that I donít care about what he does, but it feels like the lack of regard for my feelings and the way heís handled the situation tells me everything I need to know. Iím sick of broken promises. Donít tell me you are disconnecting your not-so-secret phone when you arenítÖdonít tell me you are going to get help when itís not a priority to you...donít tell me you wonít go on a trip when you have every intention of goingÖdonít tell me ANYTHING that you arenít backing up with actions. I told him how triggery business trips are for me, and particularly this one to this place this soon and he still went. He says he cares how I feel about it, but when we talk about it, he just seems exasperated with me.

We had a conversation last night where I said to him that I have never felt that he has been consistently remorseful. I think heís sometimes sorry he hurts me and has bouts of remorse, but never enough to actually do something about it. He does not want to be here. He is telling me that over and over with his words and his actions, but itís hard for me to accept and then I take every sign of affection from his as a sign that he DOES want to be with me.

I feel angry that him going on this business trip means that I will miss a COSA meeting tomorrow night and then I feel selfish selfish selfish for feeling that way. His uncle had emergency heart surgery this morning, and I feel so torn between wanting to be supportive and protecting myself from my feelings by keeping my distanceÖand THAT makes me feel selfish selfish selfish.

I donít KNOW how to set boundaries or how to defend them or anything else. I know that I desperately need IC and I do have my first appointment scheduled, but itís a couple of weeks away.

I did get the Deceived book and have started reading that. I really like it so far. Iíve sort of skipped around a little and there was something on p. 168 (about boundaries) that I am trying to keep telling myself. She talks about how this is not the time to ask why, itís the time to take care of yourself. I am trying, but really struggling with that.

Iím at a loss as to what to do next. I think we both agree that he should move out, but financially donít know how to make that happen.

Sorry this is so longÖI have so much on my mind lately.

[This message edited by RedheadTX at 10:56 PM, July 30th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-33
Him-WH-35 (ihatedrphil)
11 yr old daughter
Countless PA and EA
Most recent Dday-4/08 (9 mo. affair w/OW who didn't know he was married)

11/08 - Found out he is still talking to the previous OW as well as at least three others.
6


Posts: 296 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Houston
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redhead~ Girl, I SO feel your pain and frustration! I have no advice. I just want you to know I'm here for you! I was out of town for almost two weeks, and I just knew something would happen. I stated it the one night I had a suspicion, and the next thing you know my WH couldnt be reached by phone. The stupidest thing is that we have a family member living in our home, and she verified he had left. I dont know what happened that night, but he did lie to me. I just didnt have it in me to make a huge deal about it. I too have a hard time with boundaries. But, I also feel the same way about my WH acting remorseful on one level and then acts like nothing even happened another second...so annoying! I'm sorry you are going through this! I'm here and so are the other's on this forum!


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is from a book entitled Empire of Illusion...just posting it FYI:

And porn is very lucrative to some of the nation's largest corporations. General Motors, for example, owns DirectTV, which distributes over forty million streams of porn into American homes every month. AT&T Broadband and Comcast Cable are the currently biggest American companies accommodating porn users with The Hot Network, Adult Pay-Per-View and similarly themed services. AT&T and GM rake in approximately 80 percent of all porn dollars spent by consumers.

Redhead and whatnowaz,
You'll get clearer about boundaries the more you make them. And the notion of feeling "selfish" will dissipate some, though I still have some trouble with it. Your IC should be able to help you get clearer about what are healthy boundaries -- mine gives me a sort of reality check, ensuring me that taking care of myself is the most important job I have. I'm not doing anyone else (or myself) any favors by feeling resentful.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a big long post all written up with lots of comments to others so I'm not so selfish and then my computer crashed.

And now I need some support if anyone is around.

XBF is back in the house -- long story. His SA has never been more clear and I've never felt so clear. He got fired, thanks to his SA, in large measure. Now he has nowhere to live -- long story -- except here, and now money.

He got paid Monday and gambled it all away, mostly, and bought a 150 phone instead of the cheapest model. Sigh.

So we talked and talked, and had some very intense moments that felt like a breakthrough, another real breakthrough, but as soon as he was fired, the doors swung shut and he claims to not even remember things we talked about Tuesday night.

Anyway, I had agreed, with stipulations, that he could stay here until he is on his feet. And this was not easy to agree to - i had JUST promised my son that I wouldn't let X back in the house, and I don't want to be near him while I'm detaching, but I saw it as an emergency.

Then today we talked again about the stipulations and his DumDum brain told him that he didn't remember, and we had a fight, and then we said we'd talk about it and he agreed that he could do the stipulations for a month, sure, and would talk about it when he got back from emptying my truck at the dump - which he is doing to earn money to get his precious $2,000 guitar out of hock.

instead he immediately went to a dangerous place - to see a woman who is a prostitute that he's been trying to sleep with.

I found out by mistake, and i felt this is just NOT ok. I can't take this.

Just a month of good behavior? No? Not even a night?

I called S-Anon and found out the meeting time and place tonight. I told X he could go to an SA meeting tonight, and to bring me my truck and ATM card, which he hasn't done and it's been 2.5 hours. He won't answer phone.

He just has to go.

He cannot see himself.

I cannot lose any more of myself.


Two nights in a row this week he called me at 4am or, the 2nd night, he was in the house again, and sat up in bed crying - saying he's Alone and Afraid.

But he has lost his relationship, his job, and now his shelter - all in a week and a half. Thanks to the SA that he can't see.

He was alone and afraid before me. I can't fill that hole.

He will find somewhere to go and if it is dirty and infested with maggots, as it was Monday night, he will be more motivated to find a job and keep it this time.

I will not allow myself to waste more time on this person who has already taken over 2 and a half years.

I'm talking big but I'm FREAKING OUT.

Any support is WELCOME


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imtrying,
You have to change your dance with him and the S-Anon meeting is a good idea.

However, about your truck and credit card....I would call it in stolen since he won't answer the phone. Let the cops deal with him when he's angry. That's their job.


Me Ė 51
Him Ė 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 Ė 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 Ė 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imtrying;

Hon, take care of you. Protect yourself. Change your locks if you have to. Perhaps you are helping him realize he is at rock bottom, or perhaps you are simply keeping yourself from being dragged to the bottom with him.

He is out of control active in his addiction. There is no way to be safe and be near him.

Take care of you. If he finds bottom and wants to recover, great, but keep your boudaries, keep yourself from any more harm.

((((((((imtrying)))))))


-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I see that I prolong it. I don't let him learn to walk. I hold his hands or carry him.

And sadly, so do the women he charms, %90 with teenage sons. Oh- I wonder? I always thought it was symbolic of the son he abandoned (now age 20). Or of healing his family of origin.. but, he was sexually abused at 14... so, huh... So, he'll move in on someone else, maybe for a night or a month or who knows. Or cares.

Canceled the atm card. Will try to call police... Hesitate to involve them. But, will do so at some arbitrary time I set for myself.

Was SO ANGRY I thought I was going to pop. Then I just realized how nice it is without him in the house and now I'm doing laundry and working on cover letter for a job I really want but have been to stressed by MY ADDICTION TO THIS RELATIONSHIP to get in the mail.

Phew. What a relief to get go.

Weird thing is my friend who has similar BF, only for 12 years not 2.5, is going through the same stages - they have an intimate breakthrough moment, I do the same night. Today he pushed her too far and she finally got mad. Today I was pushed to the limit and I finally let go.

It's nice to have a comrade via phone.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can others read my journal? Is it better to post in there when it's SO much happening?

There's all sorts of news.

But I feel like a Topic Hog.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
DeterminedOne
♀ Member
Member # 24436
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.ldsr.org/blog/?lang=

http://www.obscenitycrimes.org/Senate-Reisman-Layden-Etc.pdf


Me: BS - born in 1969
Him: sick as ever and continuing the behaviors that made him divorced, homeless and jobless
Married for 17 yrs/together for 23 yrs
Children: 1 son born in '92, but idolizes his father & he doesn't have contact w/me


Posts: 354 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Phoenix
RedheadTX
Member
Member # 19079
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 1st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((imtrying))) Wishing you peace and strength! I donít know the protocol and can only speak for myself, but I donít think you are being a topic hog. I have found it really helpful to read what others are going through and having it hear in one thread makes it so easy!

Eternaloptimist Ė Thank you! Iím sure thatís right! I am anxious to go to IC. I know that boundaries are an area Iím definitely going to need some guidance with, because I not only donít know how to make and defend them, I usually have a hard time even knowing where/what they should be.

Whatnowaz Ė Thank you for the support! Isnít it crazy how your gut just screams at you sometimes and you KNOW something is wrong? I have said to WH several times that I trust my gut way more than I trust him. I think that has been one of the only bright spots in all of this, and even that is a work in progress, but I do feel like I am learning how to trust myself more. Sometimes it feels a little fleeting though, and I am filled with self doubt.

DeterminedOne Ė Thanks for the links!

Well, WH is driving back to town today for our nephewís birthday party and asked if DD and I wanted to return to go back and stay with him for the rest of his business trip. I am having trouble making this decision. I donít really know what the right thing to do is or what I want to do. I have to make a decision quick, because I have to pack in the next couple of hours if we go.


Me-BS-33
Him-WH-35 (ihatedrphil)
11 yr old daughter
Countless PA and EA
Most recent Dday-4/08 (9 mo. affair w/OW who didn't know he was married)

11/08 - Found out he is still talking to the previous OW as well as at least three others.
6


Posts: 296 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Houston
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 1st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imtrying

I hated to hear that you broke your promise to your son -- please, please PLEASE recognize that your loyalty and compassion and care (which you clearly have lots of) needs to go to your son, not the ass who's been playing you for so long.
You are doing great -- with each post you seem to be getting clearer and stronger about what you should do. Now you just need to do it. It won't be easy. You'll have moments of weakness but you need to treat it the same as any addict -- put a support system in place so that when you're tempted to give in, try again, give him benefit of doubt, etc. etc. you will talk to someone who will remind you of where this will end up. Again. This man is as toxic and dangerous as any drug. He has robbed you of so much. Don't let him rob you of any more of your life.

Redhead,
I don't know what advice to give. What is your gut telling you? Hope you can make a decision that feels right.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
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