SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so confused about what my husband wants right now. I"m thinking maybe someone needs to shake me into reality.

So I found out about his one year affair one month ago. I discovered a string of online chats that revealed that this was not only a physical affair, but also that WH was emotionally wrapped up with this woman. He has owned up to the affair and says he has feelings for her.

At first he said, to me several times, and to our MC that he had ended all contact with her. That she was emailing, but that she was starting to get the point. Then I snooped and found 2 emails that he had responded to. One was a picture she had taken of herself in an ugly blouse, to which he responded that it was pretty. Another was what sounded sort of like a thanks for everything email, but it ended with him telling her that she was an original and he loves her.

In MC session this week, he said he still has feelings for her, but he is "working on it." He says he loves me. Let me also mention that during the last year, he showed very little affection for me, and our sex life was nearly non-existent. Yay, marriage.

So my question is: Is this even possible? Could he really love me, or is he just playing me? And why? Would a person bother to go to MC with their spouse if they had no intention of being with them? Or am I second best? I've told him that an A is out of the question, and that I want to be married to someone that loves me, and if that is not him, then so be it.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I can't make sense of it. This would be so much easier if I didn't love the fool, or if I wasn't really good at online research.

Beh.

hi

sorry you're here, but you've found a safe place.

I'm about in the same boat as you; I outed my wife's A about 6 weeks ago and we're in R. She also says she loves me, but has never said to me that she had feelings for OM.

I think our WSs are still a bit foggy. Has your WH ended the A? I believe (hope?) my FWW is in NC, but I suspect she is still in withdrawal--her A went on for about 10 months.

Others who post here say it takes time (definitely more than 1 month) for a WS to completely come out of their fog so I'm going to give her more time, especially if she continues to be willing to go to MC and participate.

It's not a fun ride we've been forced to go on here, but keep posting; it really does help.

good luck

kitcasey,

Welcome and sorry you are here having to deal with the after maths of an A.

This a safe place for you to ask question and vent when you need to. All of us have been through or are going through the same thing you are.

Right now the important thing for you to do is take care of yourself Eat,drink and sleep and I know it is hard but you have to.

Do not make any decisions right now. You are about to have a roller coaster ride of your life. Read in the healing Library you will read things about the 180. It is about focusing on healing your self and not about what your WS wants or is doing. start doing something you always wanted to do. the 180 lets WS know you can do this with or with out them and often times they will wake up out of that fog they are in and start doing the things they should be doing. keep posting. We are here for you

kind of slow on the weekend.

Familiar? Almost identical! Read my profile. . . . .

What do his actions say? He is still with you and he is actively participating in MC.

With all due respect for the above post regarding actions (which ARE the most important things) it should be noted that there is one more action: repeated secret contact with the OW after a claim of NC.

[This message edited by paulb at 5:08 AM, July 4th (Saturday)]

Very true Paulb.

Your story could be said to be the same as mine. Hang in there and really think about what you want and need for a healthy marriage. You can't control him, and he is extremely confused right now too. My WH says he loves me and can't imagine life without me, is doing MC, but he still hasn't successfully gone NC either. Take care of yourself during this time and really think about what is best for you! ((((hugs))))

Has he done IC also? Our MC saw us separately after our initial visit so she could ask us private questions.

1 month is pretty soon for him to defog.

I don't think he is going to be able to do it though if he has continued contact, it's like a drug user...if they use a little it still messes them up.

I'm a sucker though, I think he can still love you, but you need to set the boundaries and have him prove it to you.

The non-existent sex life is not good, he could feel guilty with you for what he has done, has this been discussed in MC? Try to get him IC also.

((kitcasey))

It's been about 2 months since found out about the A. I was completly confused about whether he wasnted to stay together or not, even though he said he did. I just found out a couple of days ago that he has been in contact with her through email. So I told him that NC was the main thing I needed and he broke that rule. I told him that I was going to divorce him. And now since I said that, its like he did a 180. He is doing everything possible to try to keep me now.

Just hang in there. Divorce is what really made my WH come around (hopefully it continues. A piece of advice that was given to me was to get him to send an email that states there is to be no contact. He needs to include you on it too. If he is willing to do that, it might help you figure out his feelings.

Good luck, and your not alone.

I'm so confused about what my husband wants right now

I would have to say that this has been my biggest downfall.

If I had known then what I know now...

I know this may sound backwards... but.... He's the one confused not you, so why are you feeling confused? If you know what you want for YOU, then focus your attention on that. Leave him to his confusion. Your home will STAY confused until someone leads the way to clarity.

There is no sense in trying to make sense out of non-sense.

It takes time for the fog to lift.

Or am I second best

That's how I felt when FWH's fog lifted and he threw her under a bus and turned to me. He helped me see it in a better light... He told me that it was like, not only did he see her in a non-real way but he saw me in a non-real way too. It wasn't turning from one to the other it was more like seeing reality at once and thinking OMG what have I done?

Married men don't have girlfriends. You may want to look at the 180 in the Healing Library. It is an excellent way to deal with a fogged spouce and gaining control of YOUR life. It can sometime help bring them out of fog and back to reality too.

Best Wishes (((Hug))

Sounds as if he loves you but is not sexually attracted to you, and doesn't feel romantic toward you, and is trying to transfer those feelings back to you. But those feelings aren't there yet.

Did you read S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford's remarks about "trying" to love his wife again, even though Ms. Argentina is his "soulmate"?

That's what your spouse is doing. He may succeed if he can maintain zero contact (e-mails are like a little bit of cocaine for a patient in drug rehab - you can't have a little and expect to recover.)

[This message edited by suspiciousmind at 1:08 AM, July 5th (Sunday)]