Only those in a same-sex relationship or marriage dealing with infidelity should post to this thread.
To all the same sex BS's and WS's - do you think the experience is any different for us? Do you think expectations of monogamy are different within the gay community? And do you think that directly or indirectly affects our relationships?
Does she want to save the relationship? Or is it past that point now?
She needs to quit cake-eating. Either she will agree to NC and see a MC with you, or you have to put your foot down and tell her you're leaving. And mean it. You need to take care of you...there's only so much pain one person can take.
Do you have kids together?
The players of my story are not the usual suspects as mostly seen on this forum, but nonetheless the pain of betrayal has been devastating.
I am gay and my female partner and I had been together over 11 years. We were committed, rings, owned a home, animals, you know, the gamut of a mutually committed long term partnership. Now let me preface by saying we were having our issues. Nothing terrible, (at least in my eyes) but what most would consider very normal for being together so long. Communication breakdown, bedroom breakdown. In January on our 11 year anniversary, I gave her a journey necklace. She was gushing. 2 days later she went out of town on business. When she came back home she was distant, claimed she was busy with school, work. I was getting tired of the no kiss goodnight, the going to bed without a word and finally I sat her down at the beginning of February and declared, "I'm unhappy" I also said in that same conversation "before someone comes in between the middle of us, we need to do something. We have hit a major crisis in our relationship." She agreed and said she too was unhappy and wanted to "process", you know like most women want to do. 2 months later and the air was thick, just miserable.Here's the funny thing, my cat started peeing outside the litterbox in her office and my X started keeping her door closed. Fast forward to March and home life simply sucked. I got a new job, she barely supported me and told me she was going to NY to finally fill a lifetime dream. She came back from NY still completely not wanting to deal with us. She had a weekend school camping trip planned (yes for real, the lying is going to start in a second) and while she's away I went on her computer because an incident had occurred when I walked into her room unexpectedly and knew something was up. There it was, he (yes he) was coming into town in 2 weeks for a rendevous, the same week she told me that she was going to "visit a mutual girlfriend doing a yoga retreat". I know you can all relate, the sick feeling, my heart racing, reading the emails so quick thinking maybe I misunderstood... but I hadn't. Because there it was. They loved each other, she was going to change her life. I didn't say anything for a week, watched her walk around our house wearing the ring I gave her in Rome 6 years ago. I kept the facade up until one night after I went out with friends, I confronted her. I basically set her up in the conversation and even asked if she was having an affair. She denied it. Then I let her have it, spilling all of her secrets, his name, where they were staying. She sat there and stared at me. Long story short. She had no interest in counseling, staying or doing the hard work. She never really even apologized, she just wanted to point the finger and lay blame. But I was going to have none of that. Any talk was unfair to our relationship since she was on a cloud nine, was not going to end the A and it was not a fair playing field. She thought we should talk but again, it wasn't purposeful, in fact, she had the nerve to say something like the A was really the only way to get out of the relationship. I looked at her incredulously and walked away. She then had the nerve to go after me saying "I didn't mean that, and see you get so mad" I mean what the fuck!!!!!! Ya think I should be mad or should I make it easy for you. No, go right ahead, pull the wool over my eyes, the rug at my feet, and while you're at it, stab me in the heart. Funny, how talking is so easy when you're the one getting laid. I can only imagine if it was me having the A, thinking I found "love" with someone else after I only slept with them one time. Yes, one time and she's acting like a lovesick 14 year old. She has given up everything and as a therapist friend said to me "affairs are like addictions, you'll sell your soul to the devil for the fix" Yes, I think they were having an EA, because I just found out that her trip in January (he's a co-worker) is where it all started and they talked for 5 whole hours. (Yes, that was sarcasm.) He was the easy choice. It was like hit the magic button and POOF, new life. He didn't live with her and deal with all the daily bullshit, power struggles, nasty communication. He doesn't even live on our same coast and I guess thank god for that. Within 2 conversations it was clear she did not want to break it off with him, so I told her to get the f out, and she moved. When we met at our attorneys office she had the nerve to tell me I made her move, and as calmly as you please I said "I didn't make you move anymore than I made you spread your legs and have an affair. Don't pull the victim bullshit with me". Even though she told the A she would change her life, I don't really think she thought it through on our end because next Wednesday she's quit claiming the house and I'm buying her out. And maybe the Universe does work in mysterious ways, because I was only able to buy her out because our property value HAD dropped. She also had the nerve to suggest we keep the house, rent it out, and sell it when the market went up. I looked at her and said "you must be fucking crazy, I don't trust as a lover, you think I'm going to trust you as a business partner?" Our friends, gay and straight are absolutely dumbfounded and shocked. We were (and I'm sure many of you also were) the couple that simply would be together. We were just right for one another. I guess not right enough because within 2 weeks of moving out, A was in town and X was running around trying to introduce him to friends and telling everyone how happy she was. While she was getting laid, I was in despair, gutwrenching pain, not eating (loss of 10 pounds) little sleep, the physical symptoms has been beyond difficult. I have been reading and I will recommend if I can two books After the Affair, and Private Lies. I have journaled, try to find support groups, but what I realize is that I'm simply alone. Few friends, and the ones I have, really don't want to hear about it. But all that aside, it was what she said to me 11 years ago when we first met. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. She vehemently made clear that cheating was her hot button, and that if I was going to cheat, I would do the moral and integral act by leaving the relationship first. Great, another one who just loves to hear themselves talk. In fact 11 years ago her roommate was sleeping with a married man and my x told the roommate she wanted nothing to do with meeting him and that she disapproved of the A. That was just one of the things I loved about her so much. She was different, had the same sense of values of commitment and had a great sense of self and wasn't afraid to tell her friends what she thought. She was nothing like the others. That was probably the most painful part of all of this is the hypocrisy. She enrolled friends (mostly hers but friends who know me) to lie about her trip to "palm spring" These same friends are feeding her ego and telling her "well, if you were unhappy....." Of course they only hear a very slanted side of the story. My X is also telling people why she left and who I am and why it wasn't working. Does she think people are fools? Or am I the fool? We've both done several self help programs which she can't tap into any of that right now. I can't stand her "looking good" while she boasts about how integral she is. Disgusting. But I will tell you this... her new man and please don't anyone take offense because this is my hell....he's twice married, twice divorced with a 6 year old kid. I know my x and she would never get involved with someone like that. She even made a comment during her out of control periods shortly after she moved out and prior to him arriving in LA, about his past to a mutual friend so she already sees the red flags but, hey not my problem. I can't wait for her day of comeuppance, because when you start something based on lies and deceit, it rarely lasts. But for now, she's happy as a pig in shit, and I'm left with a pooper scooper in my hand, and pieces of my slivered self on the ground.
There is NC at all. It's like our long term relationship never existed. She already has pictures of him at her new home, and pretty much left everything to do with us at our house. It seems like most people on this forum have WS that were remorseful and wanted to try R, but not in my situation. My X has completely dismissed me, our life, and our community. Even if I wanted to try R, she's so deep in the fog, I just don't see it happening. In fact, I think she knows this OP is not right for her, but she has to keep going with it because it helps to justify her horrendous behavior and for her to turn around and try to R, it would betray the rescue fantasy and of course she would have to face her reality that she may have f'ed up the best relationship in her life.
On top of that, she couldn't even handle the house issue on her own. A had to involve himself and stick his 2 fing cents in regarding the property agreement. As alot of you know in your divorce papers it cites "irreconciable difference" I mean the divorce papers are self evident. In our settlement property agreeement, it also has the same language and has had that language for over a month. I mean isn't that why we have divorce/settlement papers because the relationship is over? Two days ago, she emailed our attorney and wanted to add a sentence which I'll paraphrase hers "this concludes any all claims....and the dissolution of their relationship." I emailed my attorney and was like yeah whatever, is she going to pay the escrow fees? It was weirdly childish and out of place. Then I found out why.... A pushed for it. The emotional beggar that he is. Can't find a woman on his own coast, has to troll work. What a loser But I guess that's typical, as it is "them against the world." syndrome for the WS and the A. Let's see how she is when the romantic love dies down and A replaces me in a relationship and ordinary life begins. I can only think he'll end up leaving her because well, he won, he rescued her from her awful situation and now he'll move on. I mean seriously, how many times is he going to fly coast to coast to get laid. He can't find that shit in Jersey? And when I do the math I have to think his 6 year old was the product of an A with a younger woman on his 1st wife because not many women are having kids at 37 or 38. And my X is so stupid and desperate that she wants to be wife #3? Oh and I can't forget he got himself so (inappropriately) involved with our business, but I don't know what kind of escrow experience since........... he bought his house for a dollar!!! from his parents. That's right folks, 4 quarters, 100 pennies. Oh I laughed my ass at what a shitty pick he is, but no, it still doesn't take away the shattered dreams, and hopes for the future
I had, but it give me hope that Karma really does work.
Thanks all for listening. I'm glad I have someplace to vent and read other peoples f'upd situations. I also pray for all of you and know we will all emerge from these very dark days and on the other end are amazing adventures awaiting us all.
kids-3 cats and dog (yeah I know it's not the same, but damn I miss the dog!!!!!)
X moved out 4/23/09
6/10/09-hopeful quit claim deed signing goes smoothly
reconciliation-hell no, I don't want sloppy seconds.
I've been on here since February, a couple of months after I found out about my ex's affair and "limitless love" with a woman she works with across the country.
After six months of mind-fuckery and her trying to find herself, she just very recently moved out.
Now, I'm dealing with the dual hurts of being left by my partner of 18 years, and being left by the woman I turned to in my sorrow (dumb move, and I really don't recommend getting reinvolved too early!).
Meanwhile, since we co-parent, X is over frequently and is constantly being 'friendly' -- suggestive glances, kissing me, pulling me close, inviting me to spend the night. I'm confused and tired, and she says she doesn't understand herself. That's supposed to make me want to stay the night?! After complete and total heartbreak?! Knowing you're no closer to recommiting than ever?!
Take your CONFUSED ass away from me! And MAYBE, just MAYBE, if you get yourself figured out and come crawling on your hands and knees, I'll consider forgiving you and taking you back. Although, as time wears on, despite our kids, the possibility that I could ever trust her or truly love her again, gets more and more remote.
Geez, I was just gonna say 'hi.' Guess I needed to get a little off my chest.
I ended up scouring her office for clues and it didn't take long before I found emails that validated I was right.
Knowing hurts. Knowing is painful. But knowing is true. I don't know how you can ever move on personally -- or potentially as a couple -- unless you deal with what is in front of you.
Ask. And if you're not satisfied she's telling the truth, FIND the truth. You deserve it.
I'm so sorry you're here...
Oh, and I'm not around that much any more, but I'm a female FWS, fully recovered and reconciling. We've been together 12 years (8 at the time of my EA) and have two kids. Feel free to PM me if I don't see something here promptly or if you are someone who doesn't feel comfortable posting on the open board.
[This message edited by reality101 at 9:47 AM, June 14th (Sunday)]
You have had a really awful experience. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.