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User Topic: Codependant Support Thread
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 10th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All,

After rereading Codependent No More in one fell swoop, I realized nothing less than a full commitment to the 180 with my still acting out, lying, gaslighting WS was in order.

I have done quite well, and it helps that he is no longer physically around. However, as mentioned by folks on SI, he has ramped up his tactics to get me to engage...trying to pick fights primarily. Make me out to be the bad guy, and he gets to throw himself one doozy of a pity party.

However, his latest move has me in a quandry. He has supervised visits (supervised by me) with our daughter. He has done a no show/ no call for the last 2 visits, and bailed on the one 3 visits ago mid-visit.

At this point, I could care less about his childish antics towards me, but blowing his daughter off really breaks my heart! I will be seeking counseling for her today...she is only 4.5 years old- what a prick!

I know he is suffering too, but how do parents that supposedly love their children do this?

We have had the mommy/bad son dynamic for years and I think that he would likely love nothing more than for me to confront him on this, but not this time, mister!

What do you think? How should I handle this? Any input welcome.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bent,

I wish I had any answers...I was just thinking to myself that I have got to find reading material on co-parenting with an addict. While my WS insists he's not a sex addict, his alcoholism rings through loud and clear. I didn't want to parent my teens alone, as it's a lot of work and risky, regarding drugs and alcohol, so now I'm seeing whether I stay in the relationship or not, I've got to learn tons more about the parenting stuff.

Regarding the no-shows with your WS, since your daughter is young, can you just have the visits he does show up for be "surprises" for her? You keep her bag packed, etc., but you don't tell her he might come? It won't work later on, but right now you might be able to get away with it.

I remember years ago someone telling me how much it broke her heart that her son would be sitting on the front steps waiting for his father to come pick him up, and many times the dad didn't come and didn't call. I seem to recall she was an OW having an affair with this man. He left his long-term wife for her, but their marriage didn't last long. Not surprising!


Posts: 1050 | Registered: Aug 2010
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Compartmented, your words are wise. It breaks my heart to think of that little boy sitting on the steps.

Alcohol and drugs are part of WS behavior pattern as well, and this really does make things tricky! I am sorry you are dealing with so many issues, and wish you well in your decision...yuck!

He did show up for last nights visitation. Out of the blue he told me it was just too painful to show up. I simply stated that there is dissapointment for DD when he does a no call/no show. No judgement, no criticism, no blame....just a true statement. His response was to tell DD that if she misses him, she can call him. Yeh, brilliant, place the responsibility on a child.

No apology, no nothing from him. How do you let your pain override your own childs needs? How do you not own your misdeeds to a child?

I truly believe he was throwing himself a whopper of a pity party, and trying to get my attention. When it did not work, he showed up again. I have been in a hard 180 recently (finally).

He also told me he was "still sober if I was worried about that". He claims sobriety from sex (he is diagnosed SA), drugs, and alcohol. This would be a lie as the ONLY call he made on Mother's Day was to a phone sex line, and he does this almost daily recently.

The 180 is really helping, but when stuff like this happens, I really want to get in his face, tell him I know he is lying, and smack him until some sense makes it into his pathetic soul. I know I cannot snap him out of his fog, but dealing with him is exhausting. He just seems to be unable to find his bottom...

I will continue 180...any other ideas on how to deal with him?


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm Mangledmom and and I am a classic codependent with a SA husband! Wow, we rawk!

I was going through life, miserable, but I had him, then BAM 2 A's, and a codepndent diagnosis for me and SA/depression for him. When I read the book, or even read anything about codep., I see my life in it. I WANT a better life than this. I want to freaking life for once! I am taking allt this as a chance to really re-invent me. I am starting to try to see that I will live if he cannot get better (but I must say, he IS trying hard). I have been addicted to this man for 10yrs, and before that, it was being the "hero" of my family.

So, besides IC, where did YOU start your journey?


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
eawidow
♀ New Member
Member # 30282
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to where you are. I am a self admitted Co-dependent. I've been married to an alcoholic for 38 years.

I started AlAnon in the 1990's and that is where I discovered that it began with me. I was raised in a dysfunctional family even though it didn't seem so to me. I was destined to choose a dysfunctional partner because that is what was comfortable to me.

What has helped? AlAnon helped a lot to a point. I was at least able to recognize my problem. But I did remain somewhat codependent until the affair happened.

My WS is the one who helped me even though he isn't aware he did it

He doesn't know the meaning of the word, he just told me I was too dependent on him. He wanted his freedom to persue his "love" He wanted me to become more independent. So I did, at first because I thought if I did what he said he wouldn't leave me. But an amazing thing happened. I like being independent. I enjoy spending time with my supportive, loving, healthy friends. Maybe my codependence has switched to them for the time being but at least it's a healthy thing. I've never laughed so much in my life. We have so much fun together. They are all women, I'm not replacing WH with another man to complete me.

I dragged out Co-dependent No More (reading it in one foul swoop is good but keep reading again and again as you progress and you will discover new things about yourself) and also The Language of Letting Go also by Melody Beattie (I really like that one. I've also dug out my AlAnon daily readings, cause what can it hurt?

I downloaded break-free-from-the-affair. I wasn't sure I wanted to pay for that since I hadn't heard of it before but something just felt right about it. My gut instinct was right.

I've read every book I can get my hands on from the library. I figure if the library has them then they must be good books.

I go to IC once a week.

Am I scared? You betcha, but now I'm learning that I can do this. I've realized that my sadness and tears are a result of what I expected my marriage to be and how I saw it through rose coloured glasses. It wasn't reality. This is reality.

I've been doing the 180 for a few days now. I actually didn't do it because I read the steps, I'm doing it because it suddenly dawned on me that I have the power now. His behaviour, attitudes, actions, lying reached a point that I just can't do it anymore. I was suicidal last week. I don't know what happened. Reading the books and these boards have helped me a lot. The focus is on me now, on what I want for my future. When WS asked this morning where we stood I told him I haven't decided yet. I know he hasn't given up emailing and texting her. That was my boundary. Codependent's are very bad at sticking to boundaries but my counsellor helped me a lot. I have one. No contact with her. He crossed it.

That's not acceptable to me. He promised to move to an apartment and I want to divide our assets so if he goes bankrupt he doesn't take me down with him.


Me:60
WS: 62
OW:63
Married 37 years, known him for 44 years

2 children - adult dau married
adult autistic son

D-Day Nov 4;Nov21;Dec 8;Dec14 (it was onging but he said he'd ended it 4 times.

Status: Not sure


Posts: 32 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Canada
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Shutup  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just need to vent some...

I've been on the receiving end of some codependant behavior from my well meaning family. I guess I made the mistake of telling them how frustrated I was with my current job and how I needed to find a new one. I never asked for their help but I've had several family members tell me I need to get a headhunter. About 3 times. Now, some relatives have suggested I contact this person and submit my resume for my field of study which I went to school for. I am not interested in this field and have been looking into other options where I could transfer my skills. Last night as I am out after work trying to de-stress and enjoy the start of the weekend, I get a call saying have I checked my e-mail. Relative has sent a lead I should call and send them my resume!

Help! How do you handle this without letting it get to you! I have thanked them and probably will send my resume just in case.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Tryingtoheal61
♀ Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm tryingtoheal61 and am a co-dependent. When I first joined this website more than 14 months ago someone suggested that I may be co-dependent. I thought no way, I am stronger than that. Well, someone suggested a book and the information hit the nail on the head.

I was always so worried if I didn't do X or Y for someone that they would become angry with me or not like me. I am learning to take care of myself.

I am in the guilt phase, but recently read that that is a good place to be. That guilt indicates that I am healing.

My sister and I had a falling out a few months ago. Although I visit with she and my mother I am congenial to my sister, but I no longer go out of my way for her. It's sad that the relationship that I had with my sister was not what I had thought, but better to find out now and to learn to take care of myself.

I am looking forward to my first CoDa meeting tomorrow although a little nervous.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 24th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admit I am powerless over others ...

I wish I wasn't, but I am, and I wish I could remember this for more than a nanosecond at a time.

Having a hard time with WS. I am wanting to be hundreds and hundreds of miles away from him, but living in the same house that bit of me that thinks he will do what needs to be done to R wants to cuddle up to him and pretend he isn't feckless and faithless, think that if I just love him enough he will come back to me, completely and properly.

I know exactly how you feel...

Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
Agate
♀ New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOT to get these books. In the meantime, is there a hard and fast rule or concept that makes things a lot better quickly in terms of the co-dependency?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is there a hard and fast rule or concept that makes things a lot better quickly in terms of the co-dependency?

That's a great question, Agate. I think for me it would be to "stay on my side of the road". In other words, stop trying to do for others what they are supposed to be doing for themselves.

Even if you do know better!


Posts: 1050 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone doing lots of work on codependency? What's working for you?

I struggle with this myself. I think I need more reminders. I'm doing a daily reader, Melody Beattie's "The Language of Letting Go" and I like that a lot. What I think I am missing is some sort of visual reminder.


Posts: 1050 | Registered: Aug 2010
crickett
♀ New Member
Member # 33393
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes i am co dept and he is running for the hills with his aa friend he is aa also

i cant believe all this has happened it is so much to deal with

i have been like not thinking to well for months like i go in circles over and over

i don't get it and it makes me almost throw up thinking he did all this


me 55
WH 57
We have two grown children


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2011
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I think I am missing is some sort of visual reminder.

I have quotes all over my house on the walls and on plaques, etc. One of them is the serenity prayer, perhaps something like this is what you are looking for.

I also wear jewelry with words, I have a ring that says HOPE, one that says KEEP ON LOVING and one that says BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE as well as bracelets, one is GRACE, another is KINDNESS etc. Just another idea.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm Nature Girl, and I'm co-dependent! I'm working hard with my IC to break these chains and be free.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8740 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oy, I'm J's Girl and I'm codependent.

I'm goin to my first CoDA meeting tomorrow night, and I'm actually excited! I have been so DAMN focused on WH (undiagnosed bipolar/SA/whatever) and knowing I need to focus on me that to *actually* feel like I can do something that doesn't originate with him (hi, thanks alcoholic mom) feels like liberation. My WH is a planet I've been orbiting, and with him trying to figure out if he's SA or bipolar- no matter that *he* was the one with numerous anonymous ONSs and an "i'm in love with her" A- that hasn't ended- he has been the center of everything and I'm frigging OVER IT. *I* want to be healthy. *I* want to function properly. *I* want good relationships. My H may be a shit but my boys will learn how to treat a woman from ME. I am embracing my flaws and will learn from them and be healthy, no matter WHAT H does.
And seriously, Melody Beattie's books are GOSPEL.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
turningtables114
♀ Member
Member # 35054
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I know if I'm codependent?


BSO - Me (25)
WSO - Him (29)
One super spectacular 1 year old DS

Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get ahold of the book codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Amazon might allow you to read some of it and the library and used books stores have it.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad to have found this thread as I have just realized (by self diagnosis on the internet) I am codependant and have been my whole life. Not sure what started it because I had a happy childhood but here I am. My wh is not a SA or addict in anyway, actually I think he may be codependant as well. Went through a couple of the first pages on here and am looking into the books you guys mentioned.

I'm struggling right now with knowing I'm not happy but not wanting to hurt anyone else's feelings if I leave (including WH). We are currently in an in-house trial separation (because of financial reasons we don't have another choice right now) and I felt good about it and still kinda do but now am thinking about everyone else and how they will feel about this and how it will effect them. Forgetting how I am feeling right now about the decision we made (which is I feel good about it).

So here I am, Just wanted to stop by say Hi!

[This message edited by scangel3 at 1:40 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@scangel3,

Hi! I can totally relate to the "worried about other's feelings, etc..." rather than my own. My whole life gravitated around other's feelings till about 10 months ago. Sad, I know.

I was raised by a pretty bi-polar, tyrant of an aunt who made it quite clear that my feelings were never as important as someone elses.

The thing I've realized about codpendents that I've been around is that NONE of us know what core happiness is, and how to be satisfied with ourselves FOR ourselves.

I've always sunk my happiness in a man (well, I tried). I'm changing that pattern and my PA boyfriend is having a difficult time reacting appropriately to my "pulling back and focusing on me".

I would read up this behavior more before labeling yourself as codependent. You may not be but your feeling other's feelings and worrying about those around you first and foremost is quite symptomatic of codependency.

I'm struggling today with letting go of "worriedness" over why my SO, who is diabetic, is not eating.

I got so drawn into it last night and finally just went to bed worried.

Tonight, I need to turn a blind eye and focus on my new/old living room furniture.

I went through the struggle with feeling guilty about standing up for myself while in my fucked of a marriage to an SA and an emotional abuser. I always worried about my kids and how they would take out their unhappiness on me should I leave their dad and take them with me.

[This message edited by 2kidsandadog at 12:28 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
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