I just can't take life without WW.... In general ATM you have a thread explaining recent events and why I'm trying to do a 180, we are talking S and inside I'm dying. I have absolutely no will to do anything, and no ressources to get into much needed counseling.
I'd love some tips on how to get through this part.
And please, keep posting - there are people here for you; it's just that this particular page is a bit quiet!
At the time of DDay, FWH admitted that he has been abusing alcohol for years while traveling for work. He would drink minimally at home (we would both have 2, at most 3 glasses of wine most evenings together), but as soon as he got on the road he'd be drinking himself into blackouts sometimes 1-3 nights a week. This led to him choosing to hang out with a terrible group of co-workers who all whored around together, leading him into an EA with MOW#1 and a PA/EA with MOW#2 over the space of two years. He also admitted to boundary issues and several almost ONSs in years prior to that.
He will start IC this Friday, so I don't know or understand much of anything just yet. Fortunately for me I received a ton of great information from SI members yesterday on a thread I started asking about R and addiction issues in the WS. One person suggested I check into the Beattie books, which I ordered last night.
I have what might be a misplaced question. Have anyone else's MC or FWS IC suggested adult ADHD or ADD as a possibility for the addictive behaviors?
I am glad you said that because I have been evaluating the role of AD/HD in our problem too.
I am a blue collar expert on AD/HD. Meaning that, I have years of schooling, conferences, studying, behind me, plus two kids with the disorder. But I'm not published and ain't got no Ph.D.
From everything that I know about AD/HD, I firmly believe that it is a large factor in my husband's behavior. No, it's not WHY he cheated, but it's WHY he has the problems he does. When you look at AD/HD from the perspective of Dr. John Brown, who presents AD/HD as a deficit of all executive functions, it fits. AD/HDers have a very difficult time regulating emotions.
To complicate matters, I've got a 40 year old AD/HDer here who has never been treated. HIs mother has "never seen a problem" with him...even though she's had to bail him out financially hundreds of times because he was too disorganized to manage finances.
My WH will begin IC shortly (work schedules and travel haven't allowed it yet this month). All of the therapists I have recommended to him specialize in adult AD/HD. I feel like it's such a strong issue that it can't be overlooked.
Treatment options for adult AD/HD are wide, varying, but typically very successful.
I'll have to elaborate more later as I have to get to my class soon but .. I am glad there is somewhere I can go to chat now.
Well, my H has been in recovery about 6 weeks now and this weekend we had a bit of a breakthrough and started getting a bit more intimate with each other. Even better, I was enjoying it and actually feeling good! Then yesterday, I find out that his trip with the boys at the beginning of Feb has been postponed. (I've booked a week away in Spain to coincide.) He was anticipating a reaction from me so he delivered the news quite coldly - arms crossed, dramatic language etc. I think I took the news quite well but, after he'd left the room, I was a wreck for about an hour! Finally managaed to detach , recite the Serenity Prayer over and over, and accept that I just had to get on with my life and, if he relapses, he relapses.
But what a fool me - thinking things could turn right that easily and quickly.
I have read that codependents are eternally optimistic. I know I see that in me now. I used to see my husband drink tons every night. I'd wake up the next morning and hope that today would be the day he didn't drink!
I see it now with the cheating as well.
I'm glad to see this thread get moving. I'm reading the "Codependent No More" book now. I've marked the characteristics in the book, as o, 1 or 2, depending on how well they apply to me, both for before I found out about the cheating and after. That's been kinda' interesting. It's good to see that there's improvement now. At least I am not repressing anything!
I just started "Codependent No More" yesterday. I'm only on chapter 2, but I am already feeling like I am reading a book about me. While I haven't always sought out relationships that focused on addiction, I have always chosen the boyfriend or friend who seems to "need" me. In addition to trying to learn about codependancy, I've also been looking into love/approval addiction. Does anyone know if these are considered the same thing? I'm not far enough into the Codependent book to feel like I understand for sure.
What does the rubber band signify? Is it a reminder of something, or do you snap it when you catch yourself doing something?
I need to get my CoDependent No More book back out. I'm going to go to a week long retreat soon to figure out why I'm codependent. I am scared, but looking forward to it. Things have to change in my life.
I wish I wasn't, but I am, and I wish I could remember this for more than a nanosecond at a time.
Having a hard time with WS. I am wanting to be hundreds and hundreds of miles away from him, but living in the same house that bit of me that thinks he will do what needs to be done to R wants to cuddle up to him and pretend he isn't feckless and faithless, think that if I just love him enough he will come back to me, completely and properly.
sigh, i really am codependant when the self-help books send me over the edge.
ah, blessed humor in reality! Thank you for the laugh.
Another clue is hating/denying the label, ignoring it, and then yanking Codependent No More of my bookshelf and reading it in its entirity in one day...taking notes the whole time.
Yeh, I've been here before and thought I was "all better" (the book has been collecting dust for awhile now). Six long years with a lying, manipulating, gas-lighting, serial cheater put a crimp in my recovery...back at it!
Finally feel like I am getting a handle on 180, and am feeling moments of peace for the first time since October.
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
The question I have, and I wonder if anyone else has the same one or has found the anwer is, how do we stop?? I keep trying to find something with exercises or some other form of anything that would help me learn how to catch myself and so far I haven't found it.
I have though been journalling a bit more recently and it helps me stay a bit calmer, and I have been practising accepting that I don't want to accept WS's behaviour.
For example I might write out a few times something like:
"I accept that I don't want to accept that WS is not doing what I need to heal from his As"
I find it amazing that this seems to help; it is like a stepping stone to acceptance, but its also my truth in the moment.