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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480...
blurted out that he thought that everything in that article was a bunch of crap.
He knows it is not crap...

I'm not sure what you need to know more about the OW? I think at some point you just think... and I heard the following a hundred times from my buddy... You know they f'd, you know they had some emotional feeling for each other... what really more is needed... it is what it is. It is not going to change.

My wife and I have chosen to R. Sometimes to make yourself happy, you gotta just make a choice to love... It it amazing how it seems to be returned. Conflict can be a seed or a stone. I've always taken the postion that if I cannot recover after giving it my all... I will move on.

Let me give you an example of how I chose to love my wife Sunday... She was out of gas and asked me if I would fill her up. Did I want to? No, the damn Colts game was coming on. But I chose to lover her by just doing it quickly, without a peep...


In a healthy relationship, you:

Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Can trust each other
Are each sexual by choice
Communicate clearly and openly
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad


In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:56 AM, September 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: I really liked the article and am so glad you shared it. I have e-mailed part of it to my H. But I sure must still be feeling pretty bitter because when it got to the part about "...now your heart is safe with me again", the thing I feel is "Yes, you did break my heart and maybe all it's small shards are safe with you now but now that it's smashed it no longer needs safety and protection. The thing it needed protection against has happened, it can't be undone." I guess if my FWH said that to me at this point in time, I would put on the list as the stupidest thing he's said after d-day. Closing the barn door after the horse escaped sort of thing.

Chic: Just thinking practically, can you divide up the house into two apartments and live separate but still married (for financial reasons) lives? Maybe that symbol of distance will be able to give you breathing room.

Everyone else: big hugs


[This message edited by MollyBrown at 5:44 AM, September 29th (Tuesday)]


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great article, Tryn.
I am sure many of the newbies (WS and BS) will find it helpful.

Now if only there was one for those 2.5 years later...

***
Miracle,
How are you doing?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
brokenheart09
♀ Member
Member # 25338
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH read part of the article - "skimmed it" as he said and thinks that I find articles that make me more sad and that I don't form my own thoughts on things, I only go by what an article or an online friend told me. UGGG! I don't have the energy to fight him, but if I say what I really feel, he doesn't get it, if I say what I read online or in a book, he says it's not really coming from me. Is this serious deflecting or what?

I asked him to send me in an email 10 things he loves about me... we'll see how superficially he is still thinking at this point...


Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenheart09...
he said and thinks that I find articles that make me more sad
... you sad or he is sad? or both? I don't think that article was sad... it was a way to teach wayward how to heal us...
Is this serious deflecting or what?
Yes. But really, all you can do is what you can do... Maybe you'll be surprised about all the things he loves you for...

Lost Heart2.. why don't you write one for 2.5 years later?

Peace

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:51 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
chicstyler
♀ Member
Member # 25111
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(trynhard) Most of the analogy of a healthy relationship was great but some I didn't agree with such as encourage friendships. My WH wanted a single girl with a bad reputation that he worked with to be his friend. We argued for a yearf over her . WH lied to me in the beginning about her. I finally called her at work to tell her to stay away from WH. Her reply was "I'm getting tired of getting calls from wives telling me to stay away from their H's" . Gee my WH doesn't think I know what was going to happen? I feel that (respect each other)was missing from your list . If you respect each other you would nevr do something to hurt your partner that badly. Sad to say I know that my WH didn't respect me ,my feelings , or my wants and needs.And I feel that is the #1 reason for affairs ,#2 is selfish self-centeredness.


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn your list for healthy relationships is a bit of a stretch for those who are recovering from an affair in the relationship...that list is the list we all probably thought we had before our d-days...or at least some of it was...its funny but those items on the list that the ws no longer is entitled to are the very things my ws had and the things i should have had all along were not there til now....kind of a sick irony...he had them but not i....

lostheart2: i feel your sadness...sometimes we feel overwhelmed with the enormity of it all, and the fact that our ws's are not getting it in the way we need them to, are not saying and/or doing what we really need them to...as remorseful as they can be is as much is as i don't believe they really get it....and no matter what transpires since they can never know this devastation....and its so damned ironic that they have some of the power to heal us...they want us healed but are unable to do whats needed....and it would have needed to be done from the get go...because after so much time has passed, me for 1 do not think this is ever going to be possible...i will have to heal myself..myself..he is useless to me.....but i have a firm resolve..i will heal and i will do whatever it takes to do so, short of hurting my kids...anything that will hurt them more in the long run is not an option.....which means for now anyways he needs to stay here...but i know that that is not forever and i hold on to that and look forward to it....

lh2 i am "menza..menza" italian for half and half...it loses a bit in translation...basically i am better then i was, but i still have my days...last week was really bad...too much sadness, god bless xanax because i was a true mess crying at a drop of a hat..i still cry just not as much....inside i haven't really stopped crying though

but then again i have some really good positive moments, i'll share one...the other day my boys aged 15 and 14 had a sleep over with 2 other brothers that i have babysat for for years..so anyways my daughter 17 decided to join them...they were up til 3 am talking and talking and talking...the next morning they told me so much of what they talked about even the borrowed kids talked to me about their conversations...and i had one of those moments when you realize that you've accomplished so much as a mom....my kids have almost everything i wanted them to have...a few things went horribly wrong with the dad choice and choices but on my end i looked at all these kids and realized that they have an amazing life...a life that i am very much a part of....they are all great kids with really cool sense's of humor, they are warm, caring and loving towards me...and with each other they are funny, supportive, give someitmes not so gently 2x4's when needed, they help each other, they share so much together, even the borrowed ones....and it was such a cool moment...it was one of those rare moments where i am so grateful for my life....my ws's shit is still on my mind but it took a kind of back seat with the exception of how much more exceptional these kids would have been if he were the dad he was supposed to be...but all the damage control that i did through the years seem to be enough that they are really great kids....and for this i was completely grateful.....

so i have good moments now and then...and i appreciate my kids 100% of the time, even when i dislike them....

molly: its funny that you touched on the heart is safe thing... because pfm (my ws) had added this line to his signature after we had gone to a g2g in august, one of the other couples had mentioned her new tag line which made her bs very happy and it was this line about being safe,...so with that within a few days pfm added that tag line which made me just shake my head....he just doesn't get it....

and on the flip side to his copycat move i of course moved my mind over to his cheating and wondered how many copycat moves and lines does this man have...i would guess too many....

brokenheart09: of course he said its sad...sound like he is still waffling...and absolutley deflecting....so not owning his shit....the article doesn't make you sad, the fact that he doesn't see that its his actions that make you sad, his actions period...if he never had those actions that article would not matter.....you wouldn't have such sadness...im sorry your ws doesn't get it...so many really don't..they swear up and down that they do...but NO...just NO...


as always
((((tribe))))


[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:39 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found "healthy and unhealthy relationships" and only cut and pasted. For me... I think the list is right on. Do I have a healthy relationship right now? NO

- I don't Feel secure and comfortable.
- I don't feel this... "Can trust each other"
- I'm not sure about this one. This is a problem in my relationship that we are working on... Are each sexual by choice.

Do I want a healthy relationship? Yes...

All I can control is to do the right things on both list... And if my wife does not make good healthy relationship decisions... I will communicate that to her. If she chooses to ignore or say no. I will leave her knowing I did the best I could. I don't have a time frame but I will give her a good chance. After both of us living so long in an unhealthy relationship, I owe her that since I did not leave her right after dday.

BTW.. my failures in my own unhealthy relationship was...

- Not making time
- Ignore each other when one is speaking
- Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
- Try to control or manipulate the other
- Communicate clearly and openly
- Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
- Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:10 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...he said and thinks that I find articles that make me more sad...

My WW says that I find articles or read A related books to hurt her. That my showing my pain and trying to heal myself is only done to punish her.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor! You know I'm the only guy posting on this thread... I need help.. these girls gang up on me... (just kidding)

My wife said the same stuff. I hurt her by reading and posting here... I just tell her, You can think what you want but you are wrong.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can use this pain to make your marriage so strong, that no one and nothing can ever come between the two of you again or you can let your pain lead to the end your marriage.

Dr. Ellen

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:28 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTA are just a killer. Just so much of M and our past is all lies. I dont have much to say thats helpful today.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard. In you message about healthy relationships. What does this mean?
Have privacy in the relationship

IMHO insisting on privacy leads to bad things. My WW did this before during and after the A.

privacy = secrets.
secrets = no communication.
no communication = communication with someone else.
communication with someone else = A.

ETA.

Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own

So she can contact OM again?

Encourage other friendships

With same sex ok.

[This message edited by Razor at 11:17 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor... I think you misunderstand that meaning...
Have privacy in the relationship
I think these mean between you and your spouse only. For example, If I had been raped as a kid... I don't want others to know about that but it is something we both know as to not have secrets... MollyBrown had recommended a book I read where during sex your spouse urinate on you. I guess I would want that as a secret too.
As for the friendships, letters, emails and all...
It is from a health point of view... my best friend is a good man, fun to be with, we golf... etc... My wife should encourage those types of relationships... not say, "I want all your time! Drop the golf, the fun, drop your friend" You should not be able to control who your spouse wants to be friends with... It really is up to them to stay in boundaries. I think it is more a controlling issue or Jealousy issues. Or an introvert type person who has no outside friends and become totally dependent on the spouse.

And you are right... most people just don't survive LTA. They end in D. Heck, maybe me too... who knows? I cannot control the decisions of my wife... Forgiving is very hard.

I’ll update my situation… I am going to make myself happy. If my W tells me what she wants to make her happy, I will try 100% to give it to her. Right now, I know Retrouvaille has us in a good way. We can now communicate without fights, without someone leaving or shutting down. For me, I cannot remember my wife ever initiating sex. But heck, she could say tomorrow, “I don't want to initiate sex with you my H and never will.” Then I have to weigh out that one issue and decide if I can accept that for the rest of my life. I know this about me, her initiations will send me a message... I need it and want it. This one issue may end our M. I am doing my part to be intimate… I have stepped to the plate with less work, the roses, dates, erotic messages, candles, shopping… and took the "pressure off" have sex so often and all the quality time she so desired and said was the “reason.” Now it is her turn to heal and be the kind of wife I need. I hope I never have to make a choice to leave her. After this past year, I'm ready for whatever comes my way. I know I’m a catch… My buddy says I’d be the valedictorian of the dating pool… lol. Especially now I know what a healthy relationship is all about….

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:42 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’ve lurked a bit. I’ll be back tomorrow when I’ve caught up. At the moment, I’m in pieces with three of my four boys having just left the UK for New Zealand. The flight has just gone. And I don’t know when (or if) they will be back. At least they’re all together and will be for the first couple of weeks. Then, who knows. I have the online chat set up for when they’re online – but it’s so far away. I feel like one of those cows who have had their calves taken away, mournfully moaning with the ache of it and not knowing what to do other than wander aimlessly. I wanted to tell him that they have turned out to be the lovely young men that they are because of ME. I did that. He couldn’t give a flying fuck while he was in his affair – in fact the was out to alienate himself from all of us. He would come home and they would vacate the room he came into. How sad is that? He didn’t come to parents evenings or participate in any decision making or help for any of them. He became a born again father after dday. It makes me angry inside (I’ve said nothing to him about this) that he is saying how much he is going to miss them and yet he was more that ready to chuck us all into the trash for the sake of his first and life long love cum fuckbuddy. I hate him for what he so nearly did to them. And it DIDN’T happen because I wanted to hold our family together, because I put my family before myself. He, POS that he was, couldn’t have cared less about them. And that MOW bitch was more concerned about her existing family and the fictitious family WH and she had missed out on than the real family that he had responsibilities for. And he mostly resented us for existing anyway. I’m getting mad here, so I’d better stop my vent.

Tryn, I copied and pasted your article for the WS. It was excellent, although much too late for my FWH to take on board, so I just kept it for me. He kind of “got it”, but never really addressed his affair, so much less gave me an explanation. He’s always been in denial about the depth of it and took too long to kick MOW into touch after dday. I get the feeling that he misses her company (or the company of some other OW) when he’s away. I went with him on business stayaways a couple of times this last month, but it ended with a slightly sordid edge. As if I was being the OW. Which is stupid, b/c the fact is, SHE took MY place. Arriving early and it being assumed I was his wife. Sex just felt grubby and I wish we hadn’t done it. And I couldn’t sleep for the wondering about it, even though I had put up the biggest “stop” sign in my head. And gave myself a few 2x4’s.

I’m absolutely shattered. Cried my heart out and hate this burden of secrecy. Poor DS4’s going to miss his brothers so badly.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"...now your heart is safe with me again"
Yep, feel pretty much the same response as others on this one. And that he will not be entrusted with my heart again, my heart is mine to look after and he will never, ever be allowed to hurt me as deeply again. No more unconditional love for him, I couldn’t take the pain a second time. If he is stupid enough to have another affair, I will NOT consider staying. And he knows that. And he will know the fury of a woman scorned, he will be toast even if I am burning next to him.

When it comes to trying to pinpoint my failures in our marriage, I’m not sure that they can really be taken as failures. H found the “excuses” (and he was already in his affair when he said these things) that I was emotionally drained with dealing with DS’s (particularly DS3), that I made him feel unappreciated, undervalued and in the way. None of Tryn’s points of failure apply to me. I suppose the only thing was that I didn’t go out to work. But he had his sideline business that I ran the accounts for. I was taking a small salary and if I got a “proper” job I’d be into the paying tax and insurance brackets. In that way, I guess I allowed him to “keep” me. Although if I did "go out" to work, with him being away so much I’d still have the four boys, the two dogs and the three floored Victorian house and garden to look after. I think I became part of his goods and chattel and taken for granted and that was probably my failure. Oh, and being too efficient at being housekeeper, mother, accountant, gardener, interior designer, events manager, etc.

I wonder if he is trying to blame me in some way, or punish me through projection by telling me he has given up playing golf because he can’t concentrate on anything until I can forgive or recommit or stop hurting or in some way stop getting upset about his affair. Seems screwy thinking to me. And when he says that, I just shrug and think “your loss, pal. Not mine”.

Okay. I’ve had my little angry tirade. I know it’s because I’m still in bits, but not so badly now, thank goodness. I can’t help but think that the boys would be here with me now if I had thrown their father out after dday. I’d be divorced, yes, but maybe more healed. I’d be broke – as in really skint. Happier? I don’t know. Wish I could do a sliding doors and choose which life to jump to.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:15 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey UK... Obviously, If a spouse is having an A, you don't have healthy relationship. Can you look at yourself and say... I was doing healthy things from my side. For me being truly honest with myself, I was not perfect... but my wife lived much unhealthier than myself. Hell, maybe there is no such thing as a perfect healthy relationship. But, if you make all the right choices and live a healthy lifestyle, I would think your odds of misery are far less. It is up to yourself to be a good person and be healthy. I don't view any of these healthy relationship items as excuses that forced, drive someone, to have an A or any other bad behavior. If I say something “hurtful”, should that give you the right to beat me with a bat? No. The bottom line is that you are responsible for your own actions, period. Just look at all the misery my wife caused herself, me, my kids, her friends, my friends, her parents and family, not to mention the hatred OM family has for my wife. There has been so much sadness, illness, anger by so many. But you always have this too. There are just evil selfish people that are going to do what they damn will please. I can only do what I can do, I will avoid unhealthy people. Let’s hope my wife can change her behavior.

For me, I really believe I would have healed quicker with a D... Because someone else would come my way and I would be totally focused on her...and with no memory negativity "baggage" per say. But I know far more today about being a good H then last year too. Maybe if I would have left, I would be healed with a new woman and life, but not the new me... the new person that knows what healthy means.

Today, I’m choosing a healthy spouse… and if not, I will move on to the next a bit more careful.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:21 PM, October 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it wasn’t healthy. But WH was the one with issues, not me. It is one of those horrible cases where he was telling everyone what a great marriage (including in MC) we had and yet it wasn’t enough. He keeps on telling me he ruined the marriage and that there was nothing wrong with me or us – it was him. His problem stemmed from his relationship the first time around and how it didn’t gain the closure for him that it should have done. In my profile, The meeting with MOW’s BH in 2008 gave me a fuller picture and a bit more understanding – but only if it had been a brief affair rather than the LTA it became.

My H was offered and accepted a place at Oxbridge, which is not something to be turned down, as well as a place at his gf’s redbrick uni, which is where she wanted him to go. After 2yrs, she dangled her new bf in front of him as the “you will change or else”. He left her. They were in a very unhealthy relationship with both of them trying to wield control over the other.

FF to the affair - if it had been out in the open, they may have well reconciled their past and had a healthy new life together. In fact if I had thrown him out, I think he would have ended up with her. It took him four months to go NC with her after dday.

He met her and was gone in a nanosecond. I cannot see anything I did to turn him away from me or for me to prevent it happening; it was going to happen one day.

I am essentially a good person. At least I was. Open, honest, generous, loving and would do anything for anyone at the drop of a hat. Now it seems that only the most selfish people seem to get what they want. And he is selfish, but a little less so now.

He said from dday he had dealt with it and he just wanted her out and me back. I want to be back to how we were, but that can’t be and the only healthy option for me is to stay a step removed and for him to accept that.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:40 AM, October 2nd (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i do not have much time need to take mom to the dr's...she was diagnosed yesterday with high blood pressure, due to stress it was scary high, very scary high....i put pfm on notice that he is not allowed to talk, complain or cry to her....because she is such a good woman she listens, she gives him a good piece of her mind, but she listens....which used to drive me nuts, where does he come off...she is MY MOTHER....just becasue his mother is a total waste of a human life and evil to boot....this is MY MOTHER...


anyways i have been trying to keep up withthe reading...

welcome back uk girl, and you know what i noticed, time and time again he rejected her, and when he really could have had her time and time again he chose you....this affair was so not about you, and yes it was totally about him, his selfishness, his needs and finally his fantasy....unfinished business fantasy.....and that is not going to change...

we cannot change what happened, but only find a way to accept that it happened, you do not have to forgive him, but for you and you alone you need to find a way to accept that this is just that...it is....we all need to do that....in doing that we can let go of some of the pain that feels crippling to say the least....and thats where for me at least the hard work is....acceptance...the first step..

anyways i gotta go take mom back to the dr....hopefully i will have more time later to either expound on this or rant or whatever....


as always
((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK.. I do believe you. I did nothing to deserve my wife's A. My W f’d some guy 3 years into our M back in 1988. She calls that youthful stupid bad decision. She says she stopped after I told her she was heading toward “dangerous waters”… I cannot even remember that? I call it just bad morality and evilness. (You call it cake-eaters I think) Some people have it, some people don’t. After that, I can remember her telling me, not in any powerful way… but, “she was not happy”, “It was not me she would say, it was her” and I encouraged her to get a college degree, paid for it, encouraged her to work, she got a job, all because I knew she wasn’t “happy”.. then she f’d her boss for 8 years. I think since we met when she was 18 and M at 20, she just never experienced enough bad selfish men and got fooled by this guy. After a few years, she figured her lover was not the marring type, a drunk, selfish, gambler, cheater… lol. But she was stuck, too afraid to leave her job, could not break it off because I’m sure in that small office environment, it would have been very unpleasant… and all the A related mental aspects… She brought all this misery on herself. Did all that make her mental life any better? I think the past year was about as bad as it gets. On two occasions, I found her balled up in a corner in mental breakdown. It really is about taking care of yourself and living healthy, making good choices… all those things on the list. UK, I too have always maintained a pretty healthy relationship. I think I discounted my wife’s feelings sometimes back in those days. I worked and was gone a lot. So I can conclude I wasn’t as good as what I could be in our relationship.

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