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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering what everyone thinks....
I am 2 and 1/2 yrs post d-day. My husband had a long term affair-5 yrs. Lots of contact with the OW..she was a married co-worker and drinking buddy...

The affair only ended after I discovered it!

My husband has been extremely remorseful since day one. Initially we separated and I filed for divorce..during this time he went to AA, IC and kept writing to me and begging for me to take him back...

During the separation he was willing to answer questions that I had about the OW and the affair . He never volunteered anything..it was only after being asked.

During the separation...because I saw many positive changes in him I agreed to go to MC and then, after 5 months I let him move back home.

My problem is that I continue to struggle with triggers etc. having to do with the long term affair... I often have questions that drive me crazy... or thoughts that become obsessive.
The only person that can truly answer these questions and reassure me about things is my husband... yet, since we reconciled he absolutely refuses to talk about the OW or the affair.
It always becomes a huge fight..with him often running out of the house to get away from my questions...or him yelling at me that I need to stop...that I need to move forward... that I am destroying the marriage by continuing to dwell on all of this for so long..

That comment always gets to me... yes..2 and 1/2 yrs is a very long time to still not upset about the affair but... then I realize that the affair continued for double that length of time!!

sorry, for the long winded post... I just need to know what you think...

Am I being unreasonable?

and yes.. I have been in IC for over 2 yrs. Stopped that a few months ago... and... I was on meds... spoke to a minister...read many books...
but as my husband says..I'm stuck.
I still need to ask him questions about how he felt about the OW...what he thinks of her now..2 and 1/2 yrs. later... how have his views on the affair changed now that he is sober, etc.

He just starts yelling:
"We've talked about that before" and.."I've answered those same questions 1,000 times!"

Any comments and advice would be appreciated.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal...i just answered your same post in general...


ms martha: please post what you can of your situation, i myself find it cathartic to post, ranting and rambling sometimes, getting it out...it help(s)(ed)..it will help us try to help you....

but if your not ready, thats o.k....we will behere when you are...

molly: in one of your earlier posts when you ad that list of what we go through....i found it ironically funny....o.k. sometimes it goes i norder, but then most of the time, we can experience any or almost all those emotions at the same time....the rollercoaster....

i find i have more issues staying the course when my mind movies play over and over, and no matter what i try to replace them with, they continue...making me somewhat insane....i hear the things they said, he said, she said, which she, so i replay all of that and then i replay all the things he's told me thus far, trying to add up the unaddable...then i stop myself and my mind will drift to different movies...and i always end up back at the same place, i was the hole, and he loved #1 more then me for most of our marriage....he loved her enough to risk me and his kids, he loved her enough to abuse me, he loved her enough that she was "it" and i was a hole....he loved her enough....why doesn't or didn't he ever love me enough....i dont deserve this, and moer then anything right now i want him out of my life...and that is yet another need that cannot be fulfilled, to sacrifice that need i would have to sacrifice my need to be a good mom....so my kids needs must come before mine....when will it be my turn....

see ms martha, i had no intention of doing this, but once i started i can't seem to turn it off, kind of like these stupid mind movies....i highly reccomend it....

journalling out loud
the journal talks back
the journal gives hugs
and getting the toxins out is always good for the soul...

tryn: i've been slightly obsessed with these damned cranes....but i did find out today that this is not an isolated event, that they are spotted, not frequently according to the geese peace man, but that they are seen...so they are so way not a figment of my overactive imagination...

o.k. need to go elsewhere and get lost in others now....

as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480… Am I being unreasonable? NO. For me, I don’t concern myself at all with the time it takes me to recover. I just say… When it is time it is time.

A couple a Retrouvaille told us there story. They came to the program in 2000. Today, they are happily married. They are to the point both can talk about the A without the emotions. The lady that had the A just reassured her H… over and over. For some reason, why can’t the wayward spouse just answer the question? They just can’t.

It would be so simple… This is it…. My love, I took advantage of our M, I was selfish. At that time I thought I loved the OW…I didn’t know true love, I was someone I hated today… I see my mistakes and I am with only you now… I love you more now then ever before and will never go back to that dark hole…..

I will say even my wife is the same… she just cannot bare to see who she was.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yet, since we reconciled he absolutely refuses to talk about the OW or the affair.
It always becomes a huge fight..with him often running out of the house to get away from my questions...or him yelling at me that I need to stop...that I need to move forward... that I am destroying the marriage by continuing to dwell on all of this for so long..

very gently here....please know I say this to help...

I would remove the word "reconciled" from your statement. You cannot be reconciled if he is avoiding and blameshifting and that is what he is doing. He is refusing to "own his shit" which is what answering questions requires. There is no time limit on this. If he would answer you honestly and help you it would:

1) show that he has done the work on himself that is necessary to understand why he did what he did.

2) show that he is truly remorseful and willing to admit to the devestation of his actions

3) show YOU that he cares enough to help you at whatever cost

4) help you move toward understanding, forgiveness and THEN, perhaps, reconciliation.

Currently, he is trying to make YOU feel bad for what HE did and that flat out is blameshifting.

that I am destroying the marriage by continuing to dwell on all of this for so long..

This statement just flat out infuriates me. Yeah, right, fucktard, this whole thing is MY fault. Please tell me you can see how ridiculous that statement is.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
MollyBrown
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Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal1480: To me it sounds like you two are in reconciliation, not reconciled. If that is the case, then he needs to understand that he needs to be doing everything he can to help you, regardless of what it takes. He needs to be committed to the reconciliation process 100%, it doesn’t just happen by magic (or by ignoring the issues you still have). It may seem a little counterintuitive to him, but if he calmly and kindly keeps answering your questions, regardless of how many times it takes, they will slowly start diminishing. But the more he resists, the stronger your compulsion to ask will get. He needs to understand that by resisting answering, he is increasing your pain instead of alleviating it, which he should be doing. He may be trying to avoid his own pain of going over the A repeatedly but it is at the cost of you having to shoulder the pain instead. He has to see that he must shoulder the pain instead of you. I explained it to my FWH like this: when I ask you about the A, it is like there is a knife sticking in me. You are the one who put that knife there. When I ask you a question, you have the opportunity of pulling the knife out, each time you don’t, it is as if you twist it a little bit more. The reason it is still a strong need for you to ask after 2.5 years might be because you didn’t get to finish this process earlier. It may have gotten interrupted when he moved back in if there was a premature jump to the “reconciled” state vs. recognizing that you are still in the process of reconciliation.

Miracle: it’s funny you should mention the order of the list because I was thinking about it myself this morning. I can see that I still have elements of many of the phases more or less at different times but I guess it’s what I feel the predominant issue for me is/was. I certainly didn’t go through the 5 grieving steps that they sometimes try to apply to BS’s, because, as I mentioned, I felt anger, despair and bargaining throughout the entire first year, just superimposed on the other things. It’s only now that that has subsided for me, not that it can’t flair it’s head up at a moments notice, but it’s not the predominant emotion now. I think the 5 steps of grief and the books on infidelity are so inadequate compared to what I have experienced and what I have read here that others have experienced.

Trynhard:

I could not agree with you more... But then again... who knows??? He gets married and his new wife cheats

That would definitely be the karma bus!

I wanted to tell you that I too, became physically abusive (to my FWH and myself) and that is not like me at all. I felt like a cornered, wounded bear. Our solution was to buy a foam pipe insulator that I could “beat” my husband with. I know that sounds just terrible but it was terrible times. I know that I was out of my mind with pain. I do think that the WS’s “out of their mind” is different from what I experienced but I do understand what you mean. I have to say that my FWH is not the mild and meek type of person who would generally take this sort of treatment and I have a lot respect and good feelings towards him for letting me get it out of my system. One thing that I think I can begin to see is that FWS’s were living in an altered state of reality, sort of like a Picasso, where the perspective isn’t true to life.

Leapyearbaby: With the relationship you had with your FWH, you must have really been in shock when you found out. Did you experience PTSD? I did read some of your posts but don’t really know your story. Your signature says you’re ready to give up on false R. Is he still in the fog, won’t own up, or what? Are you still living apart? I hope you don’t mind me asking.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for such insightful comments....

The only people who can really understand this emotional roller coaster are other BS....and especially those that have experienced the betrayal of a LTA.

You all understand me... why is it so hard for him to 'get it'.

I really do believe that if he could talk calmly about the A and the OW...I would feel more and more reassured and the need to question everything would decrease.

I think you are also correct about what I keep describing as the beginning of reconciliation for us...it was actually the time that I agreed to let him move back home after we separated after d-day.

And...I told him then..that I was only promising at that point to try to work on reconciling with him and trying to get over the affair...

in his mind.. I guess... it was a done deal... he had squeaked back in the house...it was over and all was forgotten..

An example of what I am dealing with....
I posted this question in a few different places...General, Reconciliation, and LTA...in the hopes that I may get a variety of people responding...including WS...
and...
I've gotten a lot of valuable advice...
I really want to share your advice with my husband.

I guarantee that it will be a battle to get my husband to read any of these posts!
He will probably begin screaming...run out of the room...tell me I'm crazy... that everyone on these sites are crazy people that are obsessive and just want to ruminate on being miserable instead of working on being happy..etc. etc.
I will try to get him to read these posts when he gets home from work tonight...
Who knows...maybe he will surprise me...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((njgal)))
you might want to think about reinstating the 180 if you think it's needed.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Helpless  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad evening.
I'm not doing as well as I thought/hoped.
I triggered and had a melt down, now I'm sleeping in the spare room.
We were in the kitchen getting ready to head for bed and I thought about all the times during the 3.5 years of his A when we had been in that kitchen and he was lying to me.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry Molly I know how you feel I was at the fair with my girls today(h was working out of town) and I thought about last year we went together and how he had been doing her at the time. I have a hard time looking at family photos too recently as I think how could he even smile in the photo when he was screwing someone else.
Our MC said when I have a trigger I should reach out and ask for a hug or just take a little time rather than throttling him with the ugly hurtful words I want to use.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ejs5: that ic would not be for me, tellling me to hug the man that betrayed me is just, well out there, i don't want that man anywhere near me...that is a privilege he lost, no correction he gave away when he decided to be unfaithful, the way i see it i've got years of hugs, affection, sex...all of it due back to me...all of it was given by me uncondionally....well maybe i should correct that too....it was conditional...he needed to be faithful....

all those years of so called great sex...sorry having ameltdown right now, i am triggering and need to get it out....

so called great sex.....how great could it have been if all those years he fantasized about ow#1 EVERY FUCKING TIME.....so i obviosuly didn't do it for him... iwas the damned hole...she was the one that did it for him...how can he say we had great sex....oh, thats right it was JUST SEX...no love,...she had that too!!!!


aaaarrrrgggghhhh

o.k. sorry for the that...

molly...sorry you are having a bad night...obviously i can relate...those triggers can be brutal....

tryn: you were physical with your wife only once...that doe not consititue an abusive husband, an abusive situation for which there is no excuse, but an isolated situation....i don't think you can compare the two....

hs: you sound very self-assured these days...full of insight too....how are things going for you....you've had a full plate lately...

njgal: most of our ws's don't get it....and if he doesn't want to get it, he never will....sounds like a man who wants it all to just go away, bury his shit in the sand and move on....if it were only that simple for us.....


sidenote tryn on those "cranes"....turns out they are egrets, i don't know if they are in the same family as the cranes, i got really close to one of them today, almost like he posed....and he was a gret white egret...the grey one, i am learning is some kind of red-winged one....still learning....but i have to say they are truly beautiful birds...and i am so NOT a bird person...except for the cardinals and blues jays....oh no...i feel as though i am moving to the "bird side of thing luke skywalker".....

sorry my sense of humor may be a bit on the stupid side tonite....i need some serious sleep....

maybe later....

as always
((((tribe))))

short message to the oldies on this forum:....i hope that not hearing from you guys mean that you are all doing really well.... all of you are in my thoughts and prayers


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks ejs5,
I ride horses and I remember when my husband tried to teach me to roll when I fall off.
First time, I hit "splat" then thought about rolling.
Second time, I thought about rolling mid-air but still hit "splat".
Third time, I hit "splat" then rolled.
Fourth time was the charm
I think what your MC suggests would be a good thing if I can do it and I can see myself trying to incorporate it like I did the rolling
Worth a try because I know at those times I am hurting and need comfort.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: you were physical with your wife only once...that doe not consititue an abusive husband, an abusive situation for which there is no excuse, but an isolated situation....i don't think you can compare the two....

ditto!

when we are out of our minds with pain, we do things we wouldn't normally do.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it hard to do it to Molly, and my feelings get hurt easily but I am also trying to be more assertive and if I can just trigger and say hey I need a hug having a tough moment or day...he doesn't even have to know that it is about the ow just that you need something from him.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
8yearsflushed
♀ Member
Member # 25401
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here. I just found this forum a few days ago. It has been 4 weeks since D Day.

Here is my story (sorry for the length)
My world as I knew it ended 4 weeks ago. I found emails between H and OW that uncovered the truth they were more than "just friends". I have been reading past posts and could really use some insight. I will give you a shortened (hopefully) version of my situation.

H is a senior military officer. We have been married for 18 years and together for 22. We have two children ages 12 and 8. We had a happy marriage up until the 10 year mark. Shortly after the terrorist attacks of September 11th, H was promoted to Major. I found out (by his admission over the past 4 weeks) that he got incredibly drunk at his promotion party and ended up kissing a girl from his office. A couple of weeks after this he deployed (one of the many, many deployments to come). During this deployment he kept in touch with her through emails. I believe this is when an emotional affair started with her.

I had no idea he was unhappy in his marriage or bored before this. I am not sure if he became this way when he got closer to her or not. When he returned the next Spring he turned into a giant Drunk Frat Guy that only wanted to go out the bars with all of his single friends and drink. We started fighting about this immediately and he described it as needing to blow off steam after the stress and constant adrenaline rush during his time in SW Asia.

I noticed immediately his flirting and closeness with the OW. His parents and sisters also noticed his binge drinking and shitty attitude. I warned him he was playing with fire and should not be friends with this woman. He played it off as just friends and told me she had a boyfriend she lived with. (She did, and has been with this boyfriend for the last 8 years still). I didn't know at the time he was all ready in an Emotional Affair with her.

Long Story short, they became physical that summer - all the times they were drunk, in parking lots just messing around - no intercourse. He deployed some more. He came back in the fall and admitted to sleeping with her once around Thanksgiving. He deployed again most of the winter and spring. I knew the marriage was in trouble and started counseling by myself while he was gone and read every book on the subject I could. I even talked with him about Emotional Affairs and Infidelity and sent him articles.

When he returned that spring we got another assignment 2000 miles away. He went out a few times before we left and I found out when I went house hunting that he slept with her four more times - all when he was drunk. We moved. They kept in touch by emails and phone calls. Not all the time, but enough. He always blew it off as "just friends". I guess I wanted to believe that.

At the new assignment, we tried to reconnect, but he was unhappy in the marriage. I tried everything I could think of to get through to him. We went to a marriage counselor a couple of times before he needed to leave again. We went on a trip together to try to get closer and had a great time. However, now he admits to seeing her on two separate occasions during trips - once back to the old base and once to Vegas. He admits he slept with her 4 times - all when he was drunk.

In Fall of 2004 H got ready to deploy again and I had enough of his indecision and general misery with the marriage. Right before he left we stayed at a hotel and I planned to ask for a divorce. We got into a huge discussion, took all kinds of quizzes from Marriage Builders and decided to try again.

While he was away he admitted that he really didn't email this woman much and we reconnected. He came back from the deployment and seemed to be a different man. He was wonderful and we both were happy. He admits that this is when he realized he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of my life. We moved again and endured 3 more long (6+ months) deployments over the next 3 years.

I always resented his friendship with this woman and once in awhile an email would slip through. I found out he asked her to go to Atlanta for a couple of days with him in 2007 - supposedly when he was happy. I caught this email and he played it off as meeting her with a bunch of his friends since she would be in town for work. I told him that it was unacceptable for a married man to be meeting a woman in hotels. I asked him to stop contacting her. He said he understood my point of view and promised to scale back his friendship with her. He admits that they would contact one another only by email every couple of months or so.

We got another assignment to an overseas location. On our way there we had to stop in the state where she was located because that is where his headquarters are. I asked him if he was going to call her. He arranged for all of us to meet for a drink. They acted fine. I actually liked her and thought maybe I was crazy to be suspicious. He admits now that it was awkward for them, but he finally thought that he had closure on the affair. He says he knew without a doubt that it was me he loved and wanted to be with. We started our life in Japan and had a great time with each other and with our kids.

He needed to go back to headquarters in November of last year. I found out he saw her twice. Once for a bike ride. He says nothing happened. Once for drinks. He admitted to walking her back to her car and they were both too drunk to drive. They sat in the car and when they went to say goodbye he kissed her and one thing led to another and they ended up having sex in the car. Nice. He said he felt guilty and bad after it happened. However, recent emails I found they talked about the incident and were very flirty and sexual in nature. I also saw he wrote ILU. He went back to the same state for business in February. He actually went out hiking with her and her boyfriend. Then he met her once again for drinks at his hotel. They ended up in his room where he admitted to oral sex, but no intercourse because he couldn't get it up. Nice. I saw after that time, they went for several months without an email or call to one another. H says now that during the last two visits he knew the affair was over and didn't know why he fell back into old patterns. He loves me, but admits to being excited by the secrecy and the flirting back and forth on through emails was just a fantasy type of thing. Anyway, I saw in the emails that he was trying to plan another trip back for business.

I found all of the emails 4 weeks ago and knew he was a liar. I confronted him and he finally admitted to the affair. I wanted to take my kids and get the hell off of this island immediately. He was absolutely remorseful. He begged me to stay and not leave with the kids. He wants to work this all out.

He called the OW immdiately and told her I found out and he does not want to have any contact with her ever again. He called our priest and talked with him. He went to see a counselor, and we went to see a marriage counselor together. He called his family and told them what he did. The kids knew something was up and he even told them what he did. He says he is glad the lying is over that he feels a big weight has been lifted off his shoulder. He is doing all the right things to show me he wants to be with me and change.

I wrote an 18 page letter to the OW and told her my story with my H from my perspective. I wasn't going to mail it, but then I though WTF, I don't give a rats ass what she thinks of me anyway. I was brutally honest and told her what I thought of her (without sounding like a guest on Jerry Springer). She wrote me back and apologized and was very remorseful. She promised no contact ever and wants to work it out with her now fiance. My problem is I am so angry, hurtful, resentful, disgusted and confused.

I know many people would love to have their H declare there love and try to work on the marriage. No question is off limits with him and he is very patient, helpful and understanding now. I know he feels like dogshit about the man he became. It would almost be easier if he wanted to be with the OW. He admitted to a problem with binge drinking and is addressing that now. He said the OW was his downfall and he hated the person he was with her, he said that he is a better person with me. He said the affair probably would have fizzeled out at the first location if they spent much time together. He admits that the only thing they had in common was that they could discuss work, politics and liked to drink alot.

The affair lasted for 8 years - thankfully he was geographically separating from her during most of it, so they were physical about 15-20 times. Why do I not feel anything for him right now? I decided to stay for a little while so the kids can be in school here and we can go through counseling to understand why the affair happened. I am hoping that it will make thing more clear for me and let me make a decison about whether to leave him or not. It is strange in the house, it seems at times like we are a great family, we get along, do fun things together, he is more helpful around the house than ever before. It is just an illusion to me though, I look at him and vacillate between wanting to cry and wanting to haul off and give him a roundhouse kick in the nuts. I keep telling myself 8 years! 8 years of lying! He admits that he lost out on so much time with his kids and with me while he was in the fog of his affair. He says he wants to prove to me he can change and be trustworthy. But, 8 years! Why am I not on a plane out of here? Can people really change?


BS-Me 42
WH-Him 41
2 kids - 10 and 12
OW -engaged during whole affair
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
LTA - almost 8 years
DDay - 8/6/09

Posts: 74 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

8yearsflushed... I am glad you shared your story. Yes, 8 years is a long time... know that it was the same time frame with me. I think my wife was physical hundreds of times??? I have felt your pain you are now feeling. Next week is my 1 year anniversary, d-day. I can say my anger is gone, I have cried a gallon of tears, depression is still with me, but I am starting to feel some peace again. Please, just give yourself some time. The sun will shine again for you. There will come a time that you will accept what has happened to you. It is not fair, but life is not fair. Military life is so hard... I know, because my brother is becoming a Major soon too.

Why do I not feel anything for him right now?
of course you feel that way... He has so much work to do... you too if you decide to stay and work on the M. He will be very lucky if you decide to R.

Why am I not on a plane out of here?
Only you know.. but for me.. my kids, comfort... my friendship with my W... so much more kept me from leaving.

Can people really change? YES

I think you need to take care of yourself... So many posters say that and what does that mean?

Make your new boundaries and stick to them. This is my boundary… I will not allow my wife to chat, phone, email, go to lunch with any man or male co-worker without my full knowledge, approval and the consequences of that act will be me considering a divorce. And I damn well mean it. I can and will D her if she goes outside my boundary. This is protecting my happiness… While my W’s A was going on with her boss, she was going to lunch with him, talking on cell phone after work hours, while I’m away on business meeting for after work drinks. Protect your happiness.
For me, Separation meant I will file D.
Get in shape, exercise, focus on your body... and soul.
Seek help from a friends, positive friends.
Pray

I so wish you peace...

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:58 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you MollyBrown and iwantamiracle... I did look up what a Spouse Abuse is... humm?? and I guess I don't fall under that

Spouse Abuse – What is It?
Spousal Abuse is a difficult behavior to define because it encompasses a set of symptoms that involve both physical and/or emotional abuse. When it takes the form of emotional abuse, it is characterized by verbal ridicule and/or putdowns that demean and patterns of neglect. Physical abuse involves the threat of physical violence and may include slapping, shoving, and deliberate physical assault

hummm I see A's do fall under this... patterns of neglect So often I can think back at the times I asked my wife... Why don't you want me any more... she would lie and say it is hormones... Oh yeh.. lol

Iwant... From Wikipedia - An egret is any of several herons. Cranes are large, long-legged and long-necked birds of the order Gruiformes, and family Gruidae. There are fifteen species. Unlike the similar-looking but unrelated herons, cranes fly with necks outstretched, not pulled back. Cranes live on all continents except Antarctica and South America.

I'm learning about those birds too... I took this picture this past July... A Great blue Heron

Is this it?
I found this...

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:59 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said the OW was his downfall

Completely and totally wrong. He was his own downfall. Until he gets that, he isn't worth reconciling with.

Hopefully, he will get it soon. He sounds like he has made a good start.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MollyBrown:
With the relationship you had with your FWH, you must have really been in shock when you found out. Did you experience PTSD? I did read some of your posts but don’t really know your story. Your signature says you’re ready to give up on false R. Is he still in the fog, won’t own up, or what? Are you still living apart? I hope you don’t mind me asking.

Of course I don't mind you asking...we are still living apart. I see that living apart and trying to work on these issues isn't the best of situations, but at the time I felt I had no other choice but to leave. Been bouncing around since then. Thought we were headed in the right direction in April, so gave up my apartment and then he had a temper tantrum because I hurt HIS feelings....well, excuuuse me and kiss my ass. So....living with my sister for another 2 weeks until I move again. Don't mind being a free spirit and living out of a suitcase, but I am tired of moving all my stuff around. This new apartment is someplace I can stay if we end up apart.
Yeah, it was quite shock...I am still incredulous sometimes...looking back I am sure I had some PTSD...recently found a book about it called Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder, but a little too simplistic for me and a little too much religion and I am not religious..written by an x-priest.
My signature is from June when I called it quits in MC...I may change it, he does seem to be finally getting it, but it has been so the usual roller coaster that I am afraid to trust that this time is different. Things really blew up a month ago. We were picking up our grandkids for a week visit and had such a huge fight that he left. Declared a truce while kids were there, but I think it finally convinced him that I am not going to just get over it and "hunkering down" as he calls it is not going to work.
I think he has finally defogged, but people here seem to use the term slightly differently. He has been NC with all of them since early July 2008, but unremorseful until January. He says October, but since he had major surgery and a TIA in October/Nov, I kind of think things got put on hold for a couple months. He is finally starting to own his shit, but very much a smoozer and having difficulty believing he can't just smooze me out of this.
I think my very first post/rant/vent has most of the details but a quick synopsis is 2 LTAs for about 13 years, one after an experiment with open marriage that we agreed to close, but I was the only one that did. Second LTA with old high friend that he only saw when he went back to the East Coast for training or conferences 2-3x year...sort of a friends with benefits thing. One ons (at least that I know...I think he is still trickle truth...my guts says there is more to it).
But as I said in an earlier post...I just can't figure out why I am still here...clearly I want to be or I would have been long gone, but although I don't have a huge amount of hope that I will be able to trust him again, I also don't seem to be able to cut that last very slender threat connecting us.....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle:

si g2g

What is this?


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
Sereneaspiration
♀ Member
Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Everyone,

I hope I'm posting this in the correct place. (Update, was told perhaps this was the best place to post even though we're in reconciliation...WH has been completely open and honest, issues are with triggers and just wanting to pick the brains of FWS)

My WH and I are in R. He told me he had an off and on again affair with a woman at work for about 2 1/2 years last Sunday after two weeks of dealing with an email I found of pictures he sent to a woman in CA (we live in FL). I told him we absolutely cannot work on our marriage until he comes completely clean and he finally did.

Not surprisingly he's had many mood swings throughout the past two years. A couple of times he exhibited ugly behavior but for the most part he still flirted with me, we had great sex, great communication, everything. However, over the same period he used to receive and make calls on his cellphone several times a night and more often on the weekends--he always walked outside for the conversations.

Now that I know the story, my H also informed he sometimes visited her at work on Saturday evenings when he washed his car (I'm thrilled he's been so open), sometimes they had sex and other times he didn't. He said the reason he called so much was because he wondered what she was doing, where she was and missed hearing her voice.

He said none of this was my fault, he accepts responsibility. He told me he's always loved me but resented being married and often wondered, "Why can't she (me) make love to me like OW?"

Here is where I need input from FWS working on their marriage...Did you love your spouse even though you had a long term affair and had "loving" feeling for the OW/OM? Did Dday jolt you into realizing how much you loved your spouse? Did you immediately or shortly thereafter stop the affair? How long did it take to get over the OW/OM?

My H told me that he stopped seeing the OW two weeks before Dday because I had a health scare and it made him realize how much he loved me. However, when he learned the OW was having sex with another guy at work he called her the day before Dday to inquire about it.

WH has been reading regularly over at Dearpeggy and answering all of my questions without hesitation. He's been sweet, loving and kind to me and open about how he's feeling any given moment. I haven't seen this side of my H in a long time. Before Dday, when I brought up suspicions he would get irritable, defensive or laugh things off...not anymore. I just don't know if he's telling me he's over her to make me feel better due to hurting me so badly, or if he truly is "over" her. He said the phone call Saturday after learning she was having sex with another man was a knee-jerk reaction.

All this week he's told me that he did at one time love her and he cares for her. When he spoke to me about how much he called he seemed heartbroken that it's over with her. Is this normal? How can he say he loves me but be appear bummed over losing the other woman?

The hardest part for me emotionally is remembering how often he called her. How could he have loved me and displayed affection for me while at the same time missing and longing for her?

Are you over the Op? Do you think you really loved them? Did the excitement of having someone other than your spouse blind you to your true feelings for your spouse?

Edited to Update: Update: H and I had a talk before he went to work this morning. I'm continually blown away by how comforting and open he's been with me. I said, "This can wait until you get home from work." He said, "I love you and want you to be able to heal. Please tell me what's on your mind and ask any questions you want." I asked if he still loved her and he replied, "At one time I thought I did. But, again [he did say this a few days ago], when you got really sick I realized how much I loved you and I was worried sick about you. It brought me back to reality and my love for you." He also added that it's the caring about her that he needs to get over, they were friends before it happened and that's the part that's hardest to let go.

I did ask him about the sex too. He told me that it's his fault he was unhappy with our sex life because he wasn't giving himself fully to me like he was her and if he would have put more effort into it and not gone astray--the passion would have been there.

Even though I'm still in pain, I feel better than when I posted this morning. We went on a date last night and had a wonderful time together.

BTW, I must add that me sticking with the 180 increased his appetite for me...he said I was a challenge, lol. I asked, ""What does that mean? If I'm not a challenge it won't be the same?" He said, "No, not now that I know how much fixing our marriage means to me and especially since OW is no longer involved...because now I'm focused solely on you."

[This message edited by Sereneaspiration at 7:12 AM, September 4th (Friday)]


Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

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