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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and tryn..no offense but you are a man...sex to you and sex to us women is like night and day.....most women need more in the everything in my life needs to be o.k. dept for sex to be a happenin...most men can skip that and go straight to gettin it on....

I think most women feel this way, but not all. For us, it was the exact opposite. He started with the first ow with my permission within an open marriage. I saw it as sex, he "fell in love" and continued some sort of contact, whether physical or emotional with her for 12 years...


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, the conversation slowly and quietly deteriorated until I said to him you don’t know what it’s like to be so hurt you can’t breathe. And then I misquoted Sleepless in Seattle, but he knew what I meant.

I said he didn’t know what it was like to have to get out of bed every morning, remember to breathe in and out and then, after a while I wouldn’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out. And then after a while, maybe I would stop thinking about how I thought I my life was so great and perfect. I had tears trickling down my face, remembering how I felt back then and saying those words.

He slipped into a funk and wouldn’t talk to me. He didn’t hold my hand on the way back to the room. He turned his back on me in bed and went to sleep. The next day, I asked him why he behaved like that. He said something about I was wielding triumphalism (if there is such a word) over him and he felt so inadequate. He said he knew I didn’t mean it, but that’s how it came across. Transference of guilt, or what? HIS fucking affair and he makes ME feel bad about getting upset?????

I was just telling him how it was. Maybe I shouldn’t, but until he “gets it” about how I feel about certain things and deal with them the way I need to, he going to carry on getting irritated by my actions. I should have shut up, but I am NOT going to play down how I feel in front of him.

OMG...r these men (sorry... people) all cut from the same cloth? My h does the same thing...playing martyr over feeling bad about what he did, but not "getting" how I feel....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok..so did the quote box thing wrong..hmmm....guess not as technologically adept as I like to think...LOL


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ejs5;


He did agree to tell me the details of the affair, about what kind of sex etc...but I am still not sure I even want to know.

the details that you need to know are:

-did he love her
-how long did he feel that love
-does she love him
-how long has seh loved him
-how it got started
-how does he know her (work, etc)
-is no contact in place
-did he have unportected sex

and he needs to be tested as do you for ALL STD's

the rest is totally up to what you think you need in order for you to move on....

very important to tell him not to give you anything you may not be ready to hear, it would be best if he waits for your questions....and he really needs to answer them completly truthfully

keep in mind that once you know you can never go back....

i am one of those people who need every little detail...and i mean every....but this is not to be....my wh is still a liar and will probably take his details with him to his grave....

leapyearbaby:

thank you for your kind words...and as for my dd.....we is all better.....apologies went back and forth, it is over and in the past.....thankfully her meltdowns are far and few between, and this last one co-incided with her brothers', who always has them.....but both are in a better place with me.....

and as far as your quote boxes....lol...i got so confuse when i started reading what you first posted, i am thinking wow, holy shit wow....its like she is in my head and i wrote those words....and then when i got to the 2nd post i realized that those were my posts....lol ...guess i'm just not savy enough to know my own words...LOL

as always
(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the details that you need to know are:

-did he love her
-how long did he feel that love
-does she love him
-how long has seh loved him
-how it got started
-how does he know her (work, etc)
-is no contact in place
-did he have unportected sex

and he needs to be tested as do you for ALL STD's

the rest is totally up to what you think you need in order for you to move on....

very important to tell him not to give you anything you may not be ready to hear, it would be best if he waits for your questions....and he really needs to answer them completly truthfully

keep in mind that once you know you can never go back....

i am one of those people who need every little detail...and i mean every....but this is not to be....my wh is still a liar and will probably take his details with him to his grave...


To answer your questions he did not love her in his own words at the counselors...it was about the sex and companionship, from what I gleaned from her facebook page before we blocked it(she wasn't his friend but somehow he could see her wall and info(not anymore), she did love him she commented about missing the cuddling and her best friend, he said he never said it to her nor did she say it to him, we both were tested for std's and yes I was the lucky recipient of hpv(the cervical cancer causing kind) and have had two acus paps(I think he feels bad about this), There has been no contact on either my part or his with her, she has sent a few texts but they were shared with me and I check the bill, she worked with him but he is in a totally different job now thank god!
More recently he has agreed to no contact with friends of the affair(2 former coworkers who knew about it) without me being present...this just came last week and finally without the woe is me I will never be trusted again speech he kept giving me before. I feel stronger and we are being better with each other around our kids...and the sex is good, that was hard at first but I already have hpv and nothing I can really do but take care of myself...and it is a way to reconnect with him and we both like it So I think we are doing pretty well as a unit...me personally I just can't decide whether I should press for the details we did decide to bring that part up during a counseling session and to hold off on making that decision until I know for sure...I am afraid it will make my mind pictures even worse to know those details
Thanks,
ejs5


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ignore, ignore, ignore. That will be our credo! (I get some satisfaction from the fact that it obviously drives her a little more insane than she already is!)

Kalamity, I will ditto your H's response - ignore her but keep the letter in a safe place (you never know when you might need it for harassment charges). However, if she does try to contact you again, I would send a simple NC letter which would also state that you would have to take some punitive measures if she makes contact again.

***
Welcome Ejs5
Some people (like me) needed to know as much as I could re the LTAS. Other people were satisfied with the bare details. If you are still unsure about it, hang on a little until you are on firmer ground. Its helpful that you have a MC to hold your hand through this.


***
Hi Shirley.

How do we ever learn to live a normal life again?

((((((((Shirley)))))))))

You are going through an emotionally trying time, which would bring out your worst fears and doubts. Hold onto the work you both have done in the last year- You have both done really well - and let that shoulder you through the next few weeks.

Have you dicussed your dreams with your IC? Maybe she can help bring about some resolution with them?

***

Hi Captiva
I am actually going through a little rough patch but am trying to deal with it, thank you for asking.
The unfortunate effect of my rough patches, is the effect on my body. I am very somatic (if thats a phrase ), so whilst I can keep things in, it takes a toll on my health. Fortunately I have a good IC and homeopath who believe in a more holistic way of counselling.

Re your MC - there are some Imago trained MCs in the London area. Worth a shot!

***
Miracle, thank you for holding the fort.

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 3:00 AM, August 9th (Sunday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking and reading and I can't believe how everyone's feelings seem like my own. It's horrible there are so many of us.

My WH had a 12 year A and it's been just 2 months since Dday.
He says he wants R but I have not committed to it yet, it's just too hard.
I'm so confused and so I read and read and read. I don't know who he is and I don't know who I am anymore. Nothing seems in order, my house is in a shambles so to speak.
I had a melt down last night and WH gets mad at me...says I need to move on, that he can't take it. Imagaine, HE CAN'T TAKE IT!!! I feel like running away.
I guess I just needed to vent. Sorry guys!
I just don't feel like I belong anywhere these days.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun:

welcome to our little corner of si, please go to the healing library if youhave not already done so...and i am so sorry you are here....

My WH had a 12 year A and it's been just 2 months since Dday.
He says he wants R but I have not committed to it yet, it's just too hard.
I'm so confused and so I read and read and read. I don't know who he is and I don't know who I am anymore.


your d-day is still very new and still very raw....confusion is unfortunately normal and expected at this stage...its so overwhelming, not to mention devastating....

Nothing seems in order, my house is in a shambles so to speak.

who really cares....NO ONE....so let it go and concentrate on YOU, what you need....especially in the beginning of this journey into hell and back.....remember to breathe, eat and exercise if possible...

I had a melt down last night and WH gets mad at me...says I need to move on, that he can't take it. Imagaine, HE CAN'T TAKE IT!!! I feel like running away.

your husband it seems needs his own dose of reality....i am so sorry he is not doing what you need, most of them don't....they are still in a selfish mode.....its when it becomes all about you, and all about your marriage that true healing can begin...and both need to be in place or it will be false R.....

stay strong, stick to what you need, he has a pair, do not let the man railroad you.......put yourself FIRST...even if he can't...you need to be fisrt...so its your turn to be selfish...

I guess I just needed to vent. Sorry guys!
I just don't feel like I belong anywhere these days.

vent away anytime, we all do...nothing to apologize for....and we all from time to time have those feelings of just being lost, really lost....


losth2:

what going on with you?.....are you ill?...physically or is the emotional taking a phsyical toll.....?

ejs5:


I feel stronger and we are being better with each other around our kids...and the sex is good, that was hard at first but I already have hpv and nothing I can really do but take care of myself...and it is a way to reconnect with him and we both like it So I think we are doing pretty well as a unit

this is good, not the hpv (that is very bad)...but the fact that the 2 of you have seemed to connect.....connecting is good and necessary in any relationship.....so good for you

me personally I just can't decide whether I should press for the details we did decide to bring that part up during a counseling session and to hold off on making that decision until I know for sure...I am afraid it will make my mind pictures even worse to know those details

2 reccomendations:

have your husband write out all the details and put them in a safe place ( this is so he doesn't forget them)

take your time on deciding, this is not something to rush into, if you think you might regret it more then don't, if somewhere down the line you change your mind, you can.....this is not something that needs to be written in stone....and if your wh understands that it shouldn't be an issue....he seems to be doing all the right things so far for you...

if you change your mind the details will be on paper, so he will not have to rely on memory which sometimes fades....

and if he remembers anything else along the way, he can add it to this "detail journal" of sorts...so that it will be ready...

and down the line should you decide that you don't want them ever...make a little ceremony out of it by burning the pages together.....

so you have options, and none of these need to be decided until you are ready and not one moment sooner!!!

so sad to see so many more members here at lta...and those who are lurking my prayers for us all.....

as always

((((((tribe))))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Nofun I understand where you are coming from one day is good and the next the mind pictures or thoughts of a loveless marriage make me think I should just move on. I just keep taking it one day at a time. My husband isn't open about feelings so it is hard to know where he stands in it all, other than the fact he is being extremely nice lately.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may not be pertinent to this thread and if there is a place to go, if someone would please direct me...
I have questions about herpes and continued sex. My h contracted it from one of his women. I am still clean, but in the probably remote chance we might resume sex, does anymore have any sources, recommendations, experiences to report? I know the most secure way is to avoid outbreaks and use condoms, ok to the first, yuck to the second? Any ideas?


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EJ - my H is not open with feelings either, so I'm not sure if this M is going to hold up. I'm not getting what I need from him right now and I don't think I ever will. So why prolong the inevitable? I'm scared I guess. I've lived with him most of my life. The questions that go through my mind are endless. I take one day at a time and am hoping the right decision will come to me.
It's just so sad that there are so many of us.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leapyear,

I, too, contracted herpes from my H, but didn't know it until I had a horrific outbreak a couple of years ago. An excellent online resource is http://www.racoon.com/herpes/

ejs 5, some of us want ALL the details because then there are no secrets anymore between OW and our H. Some don't want all the details because they don't feel strong enough to handle them, or because they just don't want those movies playing in their heads.

What might be more important than finding out all the details is our WS willingness to answer whatever questions we have and taking responsibility for their poor choices rather than trying to protect themselves or shift blame.

I think iwantamiracle's suggestion that you have your H write out the story of the A with all the details is an excellent one.

nofun, I am so sorry you are hurting. I hope you understand that your H's choices had NOTHING to do with you no matter what he says. Please read as much as you can about A and take care of yourself. I agree with the others that your H is still very much in the fog and not doing what he needs to do if he wants you, himself, and your marriage to heal.

I haven't been on SI in a while and didn't know about this particular group, but my circumstances are similar, and I definitely relate to the stories here.


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silly me! I see that I had several posts on LTA in 2006. I guess this is just more evidence to me about how damaging A are to BS that even our memory can be affected.

Sigh.


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


i am so sorry for those of you, and there seems to be quite a few, who contracted some disease from these affairs....i think that sucks big time....

all of you newbies: are your ws's in ic.....should be one of those dealbreakers...imo....for someone to engage in a long term affair, that person has serious issues....an lta is not an immediate fix, or just a mistake...to be able to continue with these double lives for as long as some of them have needs to be addressed...especially if recovery is wanted....dealing with what made you do it and do it for so long are biggies....and obviously these ws's are not good with coping with their issues....they need to learn how to cope with problems productively, they need to come to terms with their past issues, usually involving foo....they need to heal themselves before they are capable of healing your marriages....or us for that matter.....for those of you who have spouses who have at least have given the whole truth and you are confident you have the whole truth, and no contact has been established you are then in a position to work on your marriage at the same time he/she is working on him/herself.....both will be needed....

if they were capable of handing their issues, any or all of them you wouldn't be here on s.i......you wouldn't be suffereing from the aftermath of infidelity...

having issues in marriages is normal, it how one chooses to handle them where new and sometimes worse problems can occur


and remember no one has to rush into any decision at any time, there is no reason to ever rush.....any decision you make is one you and your children (if applicable) will have to live with.....

i reccomend making a list, with 2 sides, one pro and one con...list every reason and include all outcomes that are possible from each pro and con....

once this list is compliled look at all options that you can take and the repercussions that go with each.....which one can you live with and which one can you not...

and remember you have no control over anyone but you....so prepare yourself for what you cannot control too....

its how i've lived making decisions for most of my life...and it really is very cool to have little or no regrets.....

just my 2 cents worth....

as always
(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fairyfriend:
thanx for the herpes website, I looked at it and it seems very good.
But as usual, wishful thinking took me out at the knees again. I must have a very strong streak of masochism...I keep going back for more pain.
So we were supposed to meet today for another discussion. Supposed to have points written down about what we each want, what we are willing to do, where we want to go. I walk in the door, get my laundry started and he says, Oh, I have to go finish my letter...I'll be down in awhile. (we agreed on this 10 days ago) I totally lost it (main part of the 180 I just can't seem to follow!), threw something at him, which of course missed, horrible throwing arm.
I show up with my points all nicely written out and some excepts copied from here that I thought might be useful. And he has to finish his? 10 days and it wasn't a priority for him? Why, oh why, am I so surprised?
But now I am trapped...clothes in washing machine. Yes, I could have left and retrieved them later, but we have finances to settle up for the month, so I calm down enough to do that. He offers to make lunch, I accept and of course, just as we are sitting down, he has to leave...on call and there are other people to save. But he doesn't have time to save us...
So I give up and leave. Why am I so nuts as to trust anything he says? I have to get away from this...figure out how to get my self-respect back.....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No IC for my wh, I'm lucky he will attend MC as the last marrige counselor said some things he didn't like so he refused to go after that!


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ejs5: if he refused to go to mc because he heard things he didn't like...well then you will have some issues...because he will hear alot of things he won't like...
just like you heard alot of thing you didn't like, but you needed to accept them...so does he...for your own sanity this should be one of your must do's for him....otherwise you are probably wasting your time.....

you need to make a list of:
1. musts
2. would be nice
3. total dealbreakers....

and you need to work out the consequences for each....dealbreakers is self -explantory....don't put any thing here you are not willing to follow through one....

actually any consequences you tell him muct be followed through...or he will not respect you nor will he do what you need....consequence need to fit the action too....

and with that you are actually putting the ball in his court and he decides whether or not he is willing to do what it takes....

my wh committed deal-breakers...so we are done....there are certain things i willnot live with nor settle for EVER!!!

fairyfreind: men are wired differenlt then us, most procrastinate and are just not into certain things like writing, ther are of course exceptions but too many from what i've seen, compound that with the fact that he doesn't want to do this in the first place and procratination is inevitable....as long as he does it...cut him some slack,,,if he renegs ...thats another story....


as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone… I want to share my thoughts about my weekend. My W and I grabbed a lifeline called Retrouvaille. It is for married people that “Think” they may want to “Try” and to keep your marriage. Retrouvaille means to rediscover. Like all here, I am fighting for happiness again. I think us all here have a choice… We can..

1) Forgive and R.
2) Forgive and move on with a new relationship.
3) Be bitter.

Happiness is a choice that requires effort. I was drawn to this board because someone here posted a quote and I cannot remember who it was, but I thank them dearly…

By Elizabeth Gilbert, "Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it." So I seek it! I think first and foremost is to turn your heart over to God. You likely married in a church, so think about that day as being a time when you were so happy… It is a must.

We always start our marriage relationship with someone we feel real love for at that moment in time. So much of that starts with a romantic fever but that eventually it moves to different feelings, disillusionment. Then out come the ugly habits, the unkind words, the selfish lifestyles… and Misery. Third party interference entered all of us here on this site. Believe this, all marriages go through these stages… (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening.. but they all do.

During my wife’s A, she wore a mask... and I admit one too. Those mask created stage 3, our misery in my marriage. Retrouvaille will help you and your spouse take the steps to peel off that mask.

If you even THINK you want your marriage and your spouse Thinks they want the marriage, take the step and sign up to Retrouvaille program. I beg you to go. I plead for you to go.

Today, this morning, I feel happiness and a peace I have not felt in a long time. It’s a feeling like that day you get your first new job that begins your career and on a scale of ten, it’s a 9. If my feeling was an image it would be like the feeling you could get when walking on a lakeshore at sunset… a peaceful happiness. I want you all here on the LTA thread to feel this feeling.

We all here take a risk when we R after our spouses. It has been 11 months as of yesterday since my D-Day. Months ago, I made the choice to try and R. This weekend, I believe I finally reconnected with my wife.

God has even touched me with a sign again… and I don’t expect everyone to believe me but I pray they can. I want to tell you this story. Last week, I mention here on the LTA board birds have been a message to me. I thought I was going crazy… I have been driving down the road and birds have flown to near death in front of my windshield. Every time was thinking about leaving my wife or hurting the OM. I jump every time. After three times ignoring the warnings, I lost my mind and hurt my wife leaving a bruise on her arm. At home on the couch, I was so depressed and so down wanting to end my marriage. Then a bird flies into the front door as I was staring out. It scares you! How often have you seen a bird fly into your door at your house? It changes my train of thought to more positive. Again, I was enjoying a boat ride with my wife, enjoying the breeze on a perfect day, a happy day when this white bird came above us, flying above us and gave me time to get my camera and take a picture. I titled the image, He’s Watching Over Us. This weekend, during the Retrouvaille another miracle happened. When my wife and I started practicing what the fine people conducting the program asked us to do… I was heading down the wrong path of unhappiness again… so while looking out the window, again a bird flies into the window…Scared me and I jumped.. It was loud crash into the window and that bird flutters off again! I was touched by God again! This cannot be happening to me! My wife see this bird too and knows and lives these bird stories… I want to tell you I accept and believe…

I chose to let go of the past.
My life is about today.
I cannot know the future.

I think you cannot R on your own. You will not be able to do it. Retrouvaille can help you if you risk it and let yourself go… and if, you and your spouse are willing to try again. It is better then any MC or IC we have ever been too.

I pray for happiness and peace for all here...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:00 AM, August 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,
I am pleased for you and your WW that the weekend went well. May it mark the beginning of many more positive steps for you both!

***
Welcome Nofun.
I think many of our WSs wanted us to just get on with life after dday, but they slowly realise that that is not how its going to be. Just take it very easy in these early months - make sure that you are eating and sleeping and getting some mild excercise. Your body and mind (and heart) have just been dealt a huge trauma - it will take some time for both to get back into working gear again.

(((((Nofun)))))

***
Ejs5,
I misunderstood - I thought you were in MC but realise now you are in IC. Maybe your H might change his mind later on about IC/MC, but the most impt bit is that YOU have that support now,IRL.
Are you finding your sessions helpful?

***
Hi Fairyfriend,
I too joined in 2006.
So how are you doing now?

***
Miracle,

what going on with you?.....are you ill?...physically or is the emotional taking a phsyical toll.....?

Guess a bit both.

We are taking the children for a week to Lisbon;they are so excited! Holidays have become very stressful in the last 2 years,so I am hoping that this one goes smoothly. Our relationship is not the best at this moment so that too is casting a cloud.
But I will try my hardest to give the chn a good time!

****

((((((((Tribe)))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ironic, we get along swimmingly as long as someone else is around and the "issues" are not being discussed..very easy to fall back into that pattern of "before".
I call it my “guest personality”. I wear it whenever we have people over and it goes with my fake smile I keep on my dressing table for just these occasions. We had FWH’s cousin over last Thursday and it slips on so easily, it’s a very convincing cover and we even manage to get through the odd conversations with no trouble. Cousin was saying about how he was invited over to some stag/shag/very inappropriate weekend for some 50th birthday do. No partners invited and they were going to have all these women (prostitutes) lined up for a great time. Cousin said he shook his head and said he was a happily married man and wanted to remain so, so he wasn’t going. Then he said he didn’t know how some of them could do it, but…… and gave a “who am I to judge” shrug of his shoulders. Another comment was as he was leaving to go home, he nodded in FWH’s direction and said to me “keep him on the straight and narrow”. My light and casual reply was “it’s a bit late for that, don’t you think?” Went over his head, “he’s alright, our Mr UKg” Yeh, really?
********
Nofun, hi and welcome. I have read some of your other posts and it would seem you have a very difficult task on your hands with a stroppy cake eating self centred WH (is he still WH?). He ain’t trying none and he is very much in the fog about what he has done, what it was all about and what YOU NEED. This is NOT about him any more, this should be him thinking only about you. Definitely a case of kick him out for a wake up call. And don’t put up with any “poor me” crap. HIS decisions, HIS choices, HE takes the consequences. Sorry he is behaving like this.
********
Leapyear, same here, except I contracted it years ago – the big pointer to FWH’s foray into adultery back in 1992/93 (I reckon – fling with colleague, but no proof). It’s been a subject over in Recon.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=310248
It’s not a big deal as a virus, but I get outbreaks when my immune system is down. I haven’t told FWH I have it!! Don’t ask me why, I don’t know, after all I’m not the one who’s been shagging around!!!
As for the non response for a letter, I am not surprised. He’s hoping this will all go away. I have put things before my H for him to reply to or deal with and he has taken weeks to do them. Even when it has been asked for in MC. Just stand your ground, show that you have done your side and he has to do his. Ask him to arrange the day and time. But only when he has done it. Tell him it is part of him at least showing willing. If he doesn’t, then you must conclude he isn’t willing. Good luck.
********
for someone to engage in a long term affair, that person has serious issues....an lta is not an immediate fix, or just a mistake...to be able to continue with these double lives for as long as some of them have needs to be addressed...especially if recovery is wanted....dealing with what made you do it and do it for so long are biggies....
Ahh. Now this is something FWH does not want to go into. I think it would mean admitting something he simply cannot admit to me and therefore he would have to admit it to himself first. That would be just how emotionally deeply involved he was with MOW and reliving the pain of it all, the indecision (patently and painfully clear in his writing) and the wanting of us both yet not the situation he had put himself in.
********
Tryn, well done on the Retrovaille. It’s a popular choice for a lot of folks on this site and always gets good reviews. It gives a sense of purpose and that, however bad things may seem, if you are both facing in the same direction, together you can reach the destination. But yes, it is about letting go, learning and moving on. I hope this has helped you both take huge strides forward in your relationship.
********
We are taking the children for a week to Lisbon
Very cultural and cool! Remember to breathe, close your eyes (not if you’re driving though!), wait for the tension to pass and then smile. You can do this and so can H. Have a great time!
********
Okay, now for the quotey boxes. Click and highlight the text you want in the box and then click the “quote” box on the left. If you get it wrong, click the little note icon top left of your post, go back in and make sure you have [qu0te] at the beginning and [/qu0te] at the end. And replace my “0” with an “o”. I did it like that to make sure I didn’t have just a little empty box when trying to exlain!!!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:06 AM, August 10th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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