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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often think there is an advantage in the R when the spouse has been in a long term affair.

A new affair is fresh.. WS's are fooled into thinking you are in true love... you want this person very badly cause of the lust and newness of it all.

LTA it had a chance to play out... you think maybe this is not the person I can live with... WS has a chance to compare. (Spouse is a real friend, my lover is just that.. a lover)

maybe I'm wrong?

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:14 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is no advantage in any affair...most especially a lta

if its lasted that long, love is usually involved.....and thats ugly.....

my wh has had many ow....the one that hurts the most is the first one, she's been there since before i had a beginning...it was she he made love to while i was just the "hole".....a place for him to play out his fantasy of "her"......

the last one he had he connected with that entire week prior to d-day....and it was intense.....very intense the newness, the proximity, the chase.....

and it still can't compare to the one he loved for 30 years.....

i guess i am in a unique position of having a wh who's had so many diversified affairs, from love with another to phone sex with a judge.....the one they love will always hurt the most......


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
REALLY SAD
♀ Member
Member # 23030
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with iwantamiracle, no advantage and especially in lta. The hardest things that I've had to deal with and try to come to terms with is not the physical relationship and the sex it's the time and the affection and the "dates" and the memories that were created with someone other than me. In a ONS or a short lived affair while it may be exting and fresh, I can't imagine that the emotion and the attachment are there?

Maybe because those are the things that I treasured so much about my relationship with WH that those are exactly the things that make me sick to my stomach thinking of him sharing with OW.

RS


Truth whether good, bad or ugly can be dealt with. Hope on the other hand can be devastating!

Me - BS (37)
Him - WS (36)
Together - October 1991
Married - September 2005
DDay#1 - 12/29/08
DDay #2 - 02/21/09
His heart just isn't in it -


Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that there is no advantage to an A of any kind, but I understand tryn's thought process. The LTA APs have surely had an opportunity to see some of the negative things about each other, perhaps ultimately making the journey back to reality less arduous. This has definitely been the case for us.

But it still isn't easy. The hits just keep coming sometimes. I was hoping for a little vacation from the whole thing after the phone call/TM fiasco a couple of weeks ago. Not to be the case. We live in a small town (1200) and so does OW and her H. Her H still thinks that they are just good friends and we have chosen to let that be unless OW causes problems. Last night he called to tell us that her brother was found dead in his house and suggested that my H give her a call of support. We decided to jointly send a sympathy card to the family and call it good. My H is so turned off by this woman now that his normal level of compassion for anyone in this situation did not kick in. I don't think that would be the case had his A been short-term. We do have a plan for the event that she may contact him. He will ignore text messages and/or emails and if she calls, he will offer OUR condolences and, of course, tell me about any communication.

We saw them at a social event over the weekend, fortunately not in proximity forcing interaction. (We see OW's H and continue friendly interaction with him on a regular basis.) My H said he was glad we saw her - the more that happens the less he is anxious about the possibility. And it will continue to happen in our situation. Sigh.


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kalamity,
I just can not imagine meeting OW in social situations, heck in ANY situation. That must be so bloody awful.

I know you have your reasons for not telling OWH, but I am picturing this poor man, being so compassionate to his WW, and not knowing what she really is. These people...

****

((((((ReallySad)))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2: Actually, I've pretty much reached the indifferent stage. It would not affect me at all if it didn't still make H uncomfortable (and he's uncomfortable because he doesn't believe that it doesn't bother me). Anyway, we both actually really like her H and we see them out and about more together, so it seems they are working on improving their relationship as well. That's good for us too.


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 13 months since DD and still swimming in circles. Let me explain my situation.
Retired on disability, moved (gladly!) to small mountain town from large urban area for H new job. Relationship had problems, but got even worse when we moved. I had had several thoughts of separating, but never seemed to be able to take that step. H's total submersion into new job as dept head with some serious problems to fix meant a very different life for us. Prior to my retirement we were both in the same field and that was a common interest for us.
After 3 years here, he came home from work and told me he had contracted herpes. He told a clearly bogus story about sleeping with someone before we were married (that would be 26 years ago) and that this woman had looked him up to tell him she had tested positive for herpes. Yeah, right.... Although I am retired, for awhile I was running a small business. I had just come home from work completely exhausted when he decides to tell me this story. I am in shock and aware this there is something wrong with this story, but my brain is toast and I can't put it all together. Went to bed early and in the morning, started putting all the pieces together. For the first time ever, because for all of our time together, I had trusted him implicitly, I accessed his computer and email. I discovered he has had 2 ltas, both lasting almost half our marriage and at least 1 ons, that I know about.
As everyone here has experienced, I was completely devastated. I called him to come home from work and confronted him with the evidence. I was completely out of control, crying and he just sat there like a lump on a log. Finally I asked if he had anything to say and his response was "not at this time".
He went back to work and and I fled....I just couldn't stay in that house. I went to the next larger town nearby and spent the night. I did come home the next day and he wanted to act like nothing has happened and everything is ok.
Problem is, we had a family vacation planned for our kids and grandkids, starting in 10 days, at Disneyland, all nice and cozy in our timeshare. The time before we went is a blur for me...lots of yelling and screaming and crying on my part, that's for sure. We went back and forth on what to do about the vacation and finally agreed to go and just pretend for a week that everything was ok. That meant 2 days in the car driving out there, with him pretending everything was just hunky-dory and this was just a small bump in the road and everything would be just fine. And that includes my car blowing the fuel pump on a northern AZ road and waiting 5 hours for AAA to come get us. Horrible, horrible day.
Let me back up a little. We moved from the midwest to CA for better jobs. Life style in CA was certainly different and we were both involved heavily in outside activities. We had been married 12 years at this point and there were some problems starting to crop up, some communication issues, but looking back, I think we were too involved in other things and weren't spending enough time with each other.
We had friends that were involved in some alternative relationships, so I suggested that we explore something, as a way to jazz things up, as our sex life was starting to suffer as well. It was my idea, not his and I will forevermore regret that suggestion, because his infidelities grew out of that suggestion. I fully recognize that his choice to betray me was his choice and not my fault, but I did open that door. We have talked about it since then and he says if we hadn't already had an open relationship, he would not have gone looking for a stranger. But because he had a ready partner, it was easy to do. There are not many things I believe him on anymore, but this thing I do. So...our experiment was that he was allowed to sleep with other women, as long as I knew about it and he told me everything. For some reason I found it exciting for him to be with other woman and then come home to me. To be honest, physically I still find it a turn-on, although emotionally I would never ever do that again with anyone. But we discovered we have something of a gender stereotype reversal. I clearly see love and sex as 2 different things...better together, but not the same. He doesn't...and fell "in love" with the first woman he was sleeping with. I recognized after only a few weeks that there was a problem and we had the ow to dinner. Within minutes, I knew that she was doing everything she could to get him to leave me for him. After she left, over the next days we talked several times and I said essentially pick one...me or her, but decide. He decided he wanted to stay with me and stopped seeing her. I know he did because she was so upset she left the country and worked on cruise ships for awhile. She would write these long soppy letters to him and he always showed them to me, at least at the time, I thought he was slowing me all of them. Now I don't know, although he says it is so. this was before computers, cell phones and such, so letters were their only forms of communication.
She was out of the country for about 18 months and when she returned he told me. I could tell he still had feelings for her, but he LOVED me.
So....Dec of 95, he is inadvertently involved in an incident at work and to make a long horrible story short, he is fired 3 days before Christmas. We had to hire an attorney and with the union's help fight to get his job back. We are both in the medical field and something like this can be righted financially, but his reputation was completely ruined and no money can fix that. The 15 months he was off work, I worked my ass off on as much overtime as I could get, sometimes 7 days a week, 16-18 hours ago, just to keep the bills paid and we won't even talk about the legal fees. And what was my reward? He took up with this woman again. yes, he was deeply depressed, scared, embarrassed, all the normal emotions for anyone involved in an event of this magnitude. Drinking too much, clearly not doing well. As with many men, his identity is his job and he is worse than any other person I know. I got him/us into therapy through our union and he did go a couple times, but by this time, he was heavily into this ow and if he talked in therapy, I might find out, so he maneuvered the situation so he could stop going. I was beyond frustrated, working many hours, trying to keep his spirits up, trying to keep him doing the things he needed to do in order to fight not only for his job, but his license. It took about 18 months, but he was finally back to work, albeit under a cloud, and financially reimbursed for the time lost. It seemed that things got better, a little more normal, but I am apparently pretty easily fooled.
During our open marriage period, he had also slept with one other woman, a friend from high school that lived on the east coast. He would go back there for various training courses and stay with her. This was only about 1-3x/year and initially he had permission to sleep with her, but after we closed the relationship this was supposed to stop as well. Of course, it didn't. I knew both of these women, not well, but had meet them. The east coast (EC for clarification) woman had always kind of bothered me in that she was clearly a very emotionally needy woman who was "looking for love in all the wrong places" as the song says, had just gotten out of a 20 year abusive and alcohol dominated marriage and I was more uncomfortable with her initially than west coast (wc), simply because I felt we/he were using her essentially as foreplay for our own sexual enjoyment. And we were....
So time moves on, things are fine, one daughter marries and has stepkids, other daughter meets someone with kids. I am having increasing physical difficulties on the job and eventually, after my 4th knee surgery, retire in 2003. We decide we are going to move to this very small town where we now live after my h has his 20 years in and do some traveling. One year before his retirement date, his dream job in this very self-same town comes open and it is a now or never decision. After tossing the numbers, we decide leaving @ 19 years is doable. this is 2005...we load a truck and he moves out here in April. I stay behind to sell the house and finish wedding plans for our youngest daughter that June. Wedding goes off wonderfully, we sell the house, load another truck and off I go in July. whew!!! busy, busy year, but we are happy, I think, everyone is settled and we have nowhere to go but up.
As I discussed in the beginning the job here was a complete obsession. We were very distant from each other, living as roommates with very little sex, snarling @ each other for the smallest things. I was miserable and keep thinking I should do something, but never deciding on what. Clearly mc would have been in order, but having tried it once with no success, never really gave it much thought. I am also helping run this small business my sister and I bought, partially as a way to keep me busy while h is working, but it is waaaaay more work than either of us had ever thought. Summer of 2006 he is at a conference and has a ons (or one weekend stand) with another attendee. That one he came home and told me about immediately. We had it out then, he promised never to do it again and I let it go, much to my regret.
In 2007, we agreed to take in our 12 y/o nephew who was in danger of being removed from my brother's home by the state. We thought getting him out of a very bad environment and giving him the attention he was not getting from his very dysfunctional parents would help him. Not so much...he was pretty severely disturbed, far more than my family let on and after several months of a pretty severe downhill slide, we are forced to return him to his home state. Bringing a troubled child into a situation where we were not happy was clearly a mistake, but 20/20 hindsight is always so good! Although he drove both of us almost crazy, I don't really regret it. He returned to be institutionalized and it is our hope that eventually he will improve with the help he is finally, at long last getting. During the summer of 2007, while he was here, my h developed some health issues, blood in his urine. He was seen twice by his doc and diagnosed with bladder infection the first time and prostatitis the 2nd. The 3rd time it happened his doc scheduled him for a test in 3 weeks. Leave 2 men in the medical field to think 3 weeks is an ok time to check this. He didn't make it 3 days before he completely stopped urinating. I took him to the Er on Sunday and they found a growth in his bladder, so Tuesday he saw a urologist, discovered he had a tumor and Wednesday he had it removed. So quick we didn't even have time to get panicked over him having cancer. And with a little research, discovered if one must have cancer, bladder is a good one to have. Slow-growing, easily removed, easily treated, and also we discovered presumptive to his prior job, which makes it a worker's comp claim. All the time that h is going through this, our nephew is acting out more and more, because he isn't the center of attention anymore, to the point of making false police calls to report false intruders....anything to put him back in the center of things again. He has since been diagnosed with an attachment disorder, which explains a lot of things, but didn't make it any easier at the time.
Finding out he had cancer seemed to trigger something about his mortality in my h. He had kept in phone/email touch with both his ltas since moving, having little internet sex interchanges with both of them. Saw the EC woman several times since moving, but no physical contact with the wc since, well, he says he ended that in 2000, but I don't believe him. I think he was still sleeping with her at least until I retired in 2003 and was around the house all the time. Prior to that, we were on separate shifts and he could come and go as he pleased. Plus he was very cell phone phobic, which frustrated the hell out of me, but now I understand...he didn't want me to be able to reach him. So after his cancer scare, his email contact with both women increased, as did his porn use on the computer, which I knew about and don't mind as an addition to a healthy sex life, but object strenuously to as a substitute. He also recontacted the ons and started up an internet romance with her, to the point of inviting her and wc to come to conferences with him that I wouldn't be attending. I found all or most of this stuff (he isn't very computer literate and didn't see any reason to delete this kind of stuff)on DD.
So here we are. I started ic immediately...I had no choice. Couldn't function, crying all the time, couldn't sleep, couldn't talk to friends or family then, horribly embarrassed that this happened to me!!! He started going to mc with me in mid-July, but started off by saying although he was sorry I was in pain, he didn't regret have have remorse over any of his actions. I was absolutely floored by this. He has since backed off on that, although I think what one first says, unprepared, is one's true feelings and I think that to some point, he does regret that I found out and got hurt, but doesn't regret having the opportunity to sleep with multiple woman. I pointed out to him that since his wife got turned on by him sleeping with other women, he could have spend the past 14 years sleeping with as many women as he could find. But since I would know about it, that seemed to rob it of the adrenaline of secrecy and sneaking around.
Our mc and attempted R has been rocky to say the least and in May, I pulled the plug on both.
This has turned into a very long submission and I am not done yet, however must go meet a friend for dinner. Will finish later....thanks for everyone for being here. I wish I had found this website earlier...I am on a couple others, but so far this one has been the most informative....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((leapyearbaby))))))

welcome to si, i hope you've gone to the healing library, if not do so. i read your story and i am glad that you are in ic......

i don't believe you can take any responsibility for "opening the door"....no matter what has gone on he made his own choices.....and the ons had nothing to do with an "open marriage", so that one kind of blows his theory out.....

i admit your story is unique to me, but you were still betrayed. the pain of this kind of betrayal is surreal.....

we are here.

kalamity: if i may ask,why did you opt not to tell the husband, and doesn't that knowledge make you uncomfortable?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Janis
♀ Member
Member # 18656
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seem to be confused lately...R,buying cards, anniversary coming up, birthday, etc...

R: he has become transparent after a year...maintains no contact, behavior says he has remorse--changed man, never have had full disclosure--doesn't want to tell me when, why, how it started (did vaguely tell me at one point they knew each other growing up and he ran into her at a airport and things started after that...well he has been flying places as long as I have known him !!)...so if this as honest as it will ever get do you keep asking or just stop ? (we are 19 months out) He has never used her name "just friends"...I do know her name...did find a paper for a funeral he went to for her mother in 2004 with her name and all her siblings printed in the inside...asked him who this was as I did not know the name (to see his reaction) he turned his back when he read it and stayed very quiet and then just said it was an old friend and he did not want the paper.

Any one have trouble buying cards ?
Spent half the day trying to find a birthday card for him that expressed my love but did not talk about the "good history" we had, etc... This happens everytime I get him a card...it is such a struggle.

Anniversary: H wants to celebrate our years together "anniversary"...last year I turned it into celebrating from last year on...I look at us as legally married but a couple living together as the vows had no meaning (any one else ?)...I asked him 3 times in the past year if he could honor the vows and he said he would do it again if things went bad again (then the next time he says he would not do it again--confused himself ?)...but then he talks about renewing our vows...(will believe it if it happens!)

My birthday this year is on a weekend when we have season tickets to a out of town football game...the problem is it is the same place where my whole birthday was totally ignored--it was my 50th--then that was when I found about all the calls he had with her all that weekend...He wants me to go that weekend and I have told him that that is the one place on earth I will never go again for my birthday...It has opened up massive triggers for me...can see everything all over again everytime I think about my birthday. How do I move past this ?

Any thoughts, suggestions on any or all the above appreciated....



me-52
ws-61
together 28 yrs (married 16 yrs)
2 boys--21yrs and 27 yrs
D-Day 12/4/2007
?EA for 10+ years (maybe always)
"just friends".....
R..One Day at a Time
Let the Facts be Your Guide...Not Your Emotions....


Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Janis, Everything I have heard and read is that you should know everything you want to know.
doesn't want to tell me when, why, how it started
I think this is critical info myself. It is needed to R. Why must it be known? How are you to fill that hole if you don't know why? It seems like "Attention" is the biggy. My wife would not tell me the name of her lover back in 1988. For weeks and weeks wondering who the hell was this guy? Was he a freind of mine that hook up while I'm away on business? So after some lion strenght came back to me, I say simply, "I need to know who this person is. Who is he?" (she gives me every excuse not to say) I don't stop. I kept saying the same thing over and over. "I need to know who this person is. Who is he?" A warning, I had to take my wife almost to the point where I was ready to leave before she would say. She finally told me his name after that... If you decide to do this, please be ready for a very emotional day.

And cards are tough to buy for me too... I just write them now on a blank... Find a poem on line that fits.. google them. I try to focus on the future... My hope is that this birthday can be the birth of a new you and me.. I also write things I want now... My wants my love, are you, with opened mind, open speech and open heart... I so want us closer... (That kinda stuff) Not as easy as buying a card but I think we all have that in us.

season tickets to a out of town football game
Sounds like this is a birthday present for him, not you? You really don't want to go I can tell by you comments. See... I used to do the same thing to my wife. I was selfish myself. She love football too but it was really about me. But my wife was always too weak to put her foot down. How was I to know she just didn't want to do it on her B'day. What I needed to hear was something like this... "D, I love football and it would be a fun trip. But this year for my B'Day, please give away the tickets and take me to something different. I am not going to go." Said very calm and nice... maybe even with suductive tone... and then not a word after.. You see this, I AM NOT GOING TO GO. Let him think about it... If he goes, then that is another issue.

Oh well, I have no idea if that helps or not, but my opinion.

kalamity.. "The LTA APs have surely had an opportunity to see some of the negative things about each other.." That is exactly what I'm saying. Less foggy about reality maybe.. It all hurts the same though I guess.

leapyearbaby... I thank you for that post. I said just a few weeks ago when my wife told me she just doesn't desire me sexually, do you want an open M? She just looked at me... Then asked me the same question... I said No... and she said she didn't think that would fix that problem...So here I am in limbo land with a sick W that doesn't desire me, a job I'm tired of, and trying like hell not to wallow in self pitty... but can laugh a little about it.. Peace out!

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:47 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

janis:

never have had full disclosure

this is huge, without it you will probably never trust him, and in your sould you will never move forward....

i too do not have full disclosure and i am 7 months out and i am done as of 1 month ago.......i will not live in a state of limbo, for me its just not a healthy mindset.....at least now i have a decision, i can live with real, i cannot live with false.......

r u both in mc, and in ic.......

and as far as cards go, i no longer purchase any cards for him from me, i do it for my kids but NOT for me...thats done too!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOOD MORNING!!

Stopping in to say hello to everyone, new and old!

Alot going on here. Always is.
Sorry to see such pain. BTDT!

I saw the pic from the get together. What a great photo and how wonderful to put a face to the name.

I know that I don't stop in much. Just busy living life and enjoying every bit of every day. Life is still good and I am very thankful! FWS has been a delight to hang with this summer and I will be sad to see Fall come, but thats OK.

Going camping in the morning till Monday. We can't wait!

Wishing, hoping, and praying for each and everyone!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey lovin:

good to hear from you....you always bring a ray of sunshine.... does us good to hear from people who are genuinely happy....

have a great time


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostmyway57
♀ Member
Member # 22842
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question: does 18 months constitute a LTA?


Me:BS 50
Him WS 52
married 30+ years
4 kids, 5 grkids

Isaiah 41:10


Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: in the wilderness
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome leapyearbaby and Janis. You have found a safe haven.

Janis:
I think trouble with buying cards is universal. I tend to stick with "encouragement" cards for everything since FWH remains in the "I don't deserve good things" stage.

I, too, acknowledge that we are legally married, but only in that sense. We will not be celebrating any anniversary again, but have decided to focus on celebrating each day we share.

I can relate to the birthday issue and the triggers. The first few months after d-day I avoided anything that might trigger me. Finally, at some point I had enough of restricting my own life like that and just plunged into those triggery places. It was very difficult at first but I find that it gets more and more comfortable. But...you have to be ready.

Getting the whole story was a deal breaker for me. This was very difficult for my FWH because he didn't want to face the whole terrible truth. But he has admitted that it was good for him to get it all out and has thanked me for pushing him to do so.

LH2 & miracle:

I am in the minority in believing that our relationship is our responsibility and their relationship is their responsibility. Not only do I not feel a responsibility to tell OW's H, I feel I do not have the right to do so. I try and put myself in his position and, honestly, I would not have wanted him to tell me if our roles were reversed.


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostmyway: welcome to the lta thread, but i am so sorry you are here....

kalamity: i wasn't going to tell the husband either, i didn't want the responsibity of ruining his life and possibly his son's life too.....but i felt i had to, when ow#1 was too stupid when i called her, in both giving me info and most especially i told her she needed to be tested for std's since my wh didn't stop with just her....and the latest ow was of questionable medical history...she thought she was so smart, telling me that she is a dental hygienist and that they are tested regularly.....well dope they don't test you for all the std's....but she thought she was just fine....that withthe fact that she lied and lied and lied...so i gave her 4 days to tell her husband, and theat i would call him that friday...i figured that would at least give him the weekend to recoup his sanity....friday came and she didn't tell him, so i did...hardest phone call of my life....and he was the nicest man....so anyways i could understand not wanting to deliver that kind of hurtful info......


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Janis
♀ Member
Member # 18656
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your input..it is so nice to realize things like cards is difficult for all of us...

Sticking up for myself is getting easier and am getting much better at saying no to things I do not want to do. Also getting easier to speak my own mind--both of which were squashed many years ago...

Realize certain things are always going to trigger all of us...but to set myself up for the biggest trigger of all is one things I will not do for myself---maybe some day in the future but not any time soon

I do realize that I need to know when,how, why it all started for my peace of mind...until then I just believe there has always been 3 of us and not two in this relationship...hope one day that can be clarified but it may never be....at one point I asked him if he even remembered our vows and he said he didn't so I handed them to him on paper...he read them over, looked sad, and never said a word. When confronted with anything he usually just looks down or sad but doesnt say anything...
I take it as a proof of guilt.

No, we have never been to MC (he doesn't want to go) and I have never been to IC---although considering it to get things off my chest if nothing else....


me-52
ws-61
together 28 yrs (married 16 yrs)
2 boys--21yrs and 27 yrs
D-Day 12/4/2007
?EA for 10+ years (maybe always)
"just friends".....
R..One Day at a Time
Let the Facts be Your Guide...Not Your Emotions....


Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is good to have set expectations as the BS if you decide to R, but the lines get blurred as to us BS dictating the "rules" to the BS and them actually internalizing/managing themselves

I wondered often about this, HB.
How much of what he was doing post dday was him wantingto do it (as it was the right thing to do)vs him doing it cos I said so?

We had a "discussion" today where he pointed out that he has made so many changes and that he wasnt the same person he was pre-dday. True.
How did he get here? Of course some of it was due to my rules. I would like to think some of it was due to him wanting it too, maybe my rules became his rules?
I dont police him anymore. And that is actually a huge relief of my shoulders. It puts the burden of being transparent and honest right on his shoulders. Whereas before he would say,"Look at my emails, cell etc. My life is an open book." and I would go hunting; now he has to tell me whats going on with him. If he doesnt, thats his problem.

How much of the right thing to do has he internalised?
I wouldnt really know. I know he tells me that he wont ever be alone with a female again, and by chance he has to for work, it would be in an open space. I have no way of checking, so take his word. Again about inappropriate internet activity. Etc etc. All on his word.

HOWEVER
I told him today what still strikes a chord of fear in my heart, is the fact that i still dont have an explanation of why he did what he did; thus how am I to know that it wont happen again.
He quit IC twice as he felt it wasnt going anywhere. However, it is my opinion that he quit because he didnt want to do that deeper searching, that harder work on himself. He didnt see the need to know the whys, for him it was enough that he wouldnt do that again.

Today he asked me if I was going to remind him for the rest of his life about his mistake.

You see, whilst looking at our babies pictures on a memory stick, I came across some pics of the OW2, sitting in OUR car, smiling at MY H, in the park where OUR kids played. These pics were alongside our babies pics.
And then I am reminded that I am living with a monster.
A true living monster, who sees the hell he put us through for over a decade as a mistake which I should over by now. He thinks I refer only to LTA2 and still doesnt get that for me, it was ALL of it. Every single fucking thing.

In IC on Monday, we discussed how can I move forward in this M. I have been hiding behinf the fact that what he did was against our religion, has broken the laws of society and morality too.
I realised as I was talking that actually the reason why I am still struggling was because he, putting aside religion and society etc which have all in some way could forgive him, BROKE MY RULES.
According to IC, I have to learn to live with this or leave. How do I live with this? How can I? After evrything that he has done? She asked me what would he have to do to help me live with this? Is there anything?
I dont know. I know that he's not doing it now. I know that despite being a better F and H than he has ever been, that its still not enough; that we are drifting from each other. For he thinks that just because he is not cheating anymore and that he has become involved as a F and H, that we are all OK.
But we are not. I am not. He is not.
Was it just last summer he told my DD (8)that just as she loved mum and dad, he had loved mum and gf?
Was it just 2 weeks ago when he accused me of having an A and got my DD to call me, whilst he screamed in the background for her to ask me which man I was with, what his name was?

HB,
I dont know what I am trying to tell you, ibetween my verbal outburst.
Yes, I think its imperative that WSs need to internalise the rules for themselves, not because its been dictated by the R contract. They must WANT it with evry fibre of their being because its the right thing, the ONLY thing to do. They should work on this actively, all the time. Like how a teetotaller can no more go to a bar or even eat a choc with alcohol in it, they should set up their own rules which they enforce irrespective of who's watching/listening.

For someone like my H who has lived his whole adult life duplicitously, I can appreciate how difficult it must to live "clean".
But boy, what a blessing to have been given this chance (again!)to be a part of this amazing family.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Janis... It doesn't hurt to go talk to a IC. My sweet Louise has been fantastic for me. I always feel great afterwards. The IC will help you learn/connect/think clearly so you can talk to your H... Call your insurance company and see who they recommend... then go... you keep going and at some point he will go with you if he really cares for you... he will.

Several years ago... after the 2-3 years into W's LTA, she did try and reach out, she just out of the blue said something like we have a marriage problem... It was such a shock to me? Us? I was happy at the time... Yes I worked alot.. but I always had been a great father, husband.. blah blah blah... I could not understand... we had a fight and I left for a few hours. Afterwards we both apologied and on with life. My not listen cost me maybe 5 good healthly loving years. If my wife was stronger, I would not be so unhappy today. What I am trying to say is that men don't listen like they need to...(That was a hard change for me.. just listen.) Just go on and go and my bet is he will follow at some point... You might need to asked him again... maybe a few times...

All this is called "taking care of yourself"

I wish you so much peace...

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:05 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kalamity,
I was not judging you. I guess I felt sad for the unwitting BH, knowing that for a long long time, that was me. But thats my issues coming out.
You do whats right for your M and for you.

***

Lostmyway,
It was decided,methinks by the powers that be, that about 24 months and over constituted a LTA.

***
Janis,
One of the boundaries I have liad for myself post dday, is to try to be more active in my own happiness.
If I were you, i would come out straight and tell H that going to the ball game on your bday was no longer acceptable to you. You would appreciate if he would plan something else, and if he found that too challenging, you could maybe help with a few suggestions on what YOU want.

I would strongly recommend finding an IC for you. Both of mine have been lifesavers!

****

Shirley? Fnf?
How are you guys doing?

Hey BT!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
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