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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
iwantamiracle
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Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He seems to have learned a lot about my reactions to his A from her.

did she have your permission to do this...this just seems odd to me for ic, i would maybe expect it in mc but not ic......

enjoy your day lostsoul.....


as always

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says once we get going she has enjoyed it... but many times she only has done it for me. Before Dday she says she did have desire, for me, her lover and even masturbated... but now.... nothing.

tryn, my H went through this too and is still struggling with it. He admitted early on in R that he was "messed up about sex". He wanted real, deep, compassionate, connected lovemaking, but was always holding back... wondering if I was going to trigger, if he was going to climax, if I was.

That he was so hyper-sexual during the affair period (he never approached me, never had sex the whole 7 years) that his sexuality became tied up in nasty, sneaky, dangerous sex. With me (prior to the A) he'd had wholesome, caring, intimate sex.

He wasn't sure... still isn't... that it will ever come back. He's talked to his therapist. He's talked to his doctor. He still has no desire. If I start something he's more than willing to go along, but he also "tests" my frame of mind. And it can only be early in the morning, never after a day together or if we find ourselves suddenly alone. Usually there's been some "issue" arise during the day that turns either him or me off.

It's frustrating.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy...how sad for you....did you ever wonder during that whole period of no sex, why? and now why is there no desire?

if this makes u uncomfortable i understand if you don't want to answer.


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy.. It's just crazy stuff right now in my M. So after work last night we came home to a very nice evening and couple glassed of wine... I cooked... very nice converstion about her week and mine. She fell asleep on the couch and I went upstairs to watch TV. She comes up about in about an hour and she falls asleep in my arms for about an hour. I'm strong with my convictions that I am not going to pressure her any more and I was going to wait.. no pressure.. not going to asked for it... Only if she wants to make a move on me... I was very softly rubbing her back and then wham... she did! It was great, very caring, we looked each other in the eyes... very loving.

So this morning, I said, did she really desire me last night? She said yes. It was good but I really have no idea if I'm being gaslighted or not?

IC today says my wife has so much to deal with, she likely needs some "sex space"... She needs much more work before we could really connect in a very healthy way and said I should not take it so personnally. Validation for me maybe should try and come from other ways. For LTA like my W has been through is almost unimaginable as years and years of thinking about how wrong you are, how evil your are, how bad you are... having to deal with those thoughts and place this somewhere in her mind... oh well.. life goes on.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TRIBE))))
Lots of activity on here lately! I'm still recovering from my "slip and fall" accident, but getting better.

My IC had me read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" and a lot of the steps for recovery are about focusing on yourself rather than trying to control/manage your partner. SO, I was wondering what you all think about this in the context of the aftermath of an A. Often we BS set down our boundaries/lists of things the WS must do to R. But how do you all think this relates to recovery from co-dependence to a relationship where that person (here the WS) needs to take responsibility for themselves completely on their own?

Just curious what you wise folks think......In my own sitch, I think about this even more since after the LTA I had that list of "requirements" for R which came from me, but he fell back into an old pattern after three years of staying the true course and then is now back to recovery. I think it is good to have set expectations as the BS if you decide to R, but the lines get blurred as to us BS dictating the "rules" to the BS and them actually internalizing/managing themselves.

Hoping this will spark some good discussion

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hearbroken... thanks for the post.
focusing on yourself rather than trying to control/manage your partner
That is what I am trying to do after 10 months now.

how do you all think this relates to recovery from co-dependence to a relationship where that person (here the WS) needs to take responsibility for themselves completely on their own?
I guess after all we have been through, It is my hope that she now has enough respect to tell me if she needs another person to fill some need that is missing.

I'll still have my boundaries though...
First is that I will never again accept a male "friend" or "co-worker" meeting for lunch, drinks, cell phone chats, email.. etc. And I will communicate my position like this... This close relationship makes me feel unsafe. I am not going to accept unhealthy relationships and in my head I'm saying Damn it.. I will leave too! That shouldn't be too hard for her to manage.

But I do think it is up to you to make the best possible spouse...I do make a commitment to try to be as loving as possible into the future years... I will always try and listen when needed... be there everytime now... more affection... more appreciation.. more and more... doing all my part should lead to her wanting to make love to me more... wanting to do more for me... at least I hope.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
lostsuol
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Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

did she have your permission to do this... this just seems odd to me for ic, i would maybe expect it in mc but not ic.

IWAM: I may not have expressed myself correctly. I think that she explained via analogy that made sense to him how a woman thinks in/or about certain situations or behaviours. My H didn't elaborate on her analogies other than to say he was ashamed. I'll find out more Monday morning. She will see us together after that apptmt.

hearbroken... I will have to think about your post. Not sure I have the wisdom of experience to respond.

trynhard... I hope you have a great wkend. It seems to have started out well.

weepy... I can't imagine 7 yrs of no sex in a marriage. Did you go to MC at all during that time? do you think MC would help you now re:

Usually there's been some "issue" arise during the day that turns either him or me off.
I just wonder if that's a P/A way to avoid intimacy between the 2 of you. I don't have a remedy but perhaps a professional might.

{{{LTA }}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"slip and fall"

hearbroken: what happened? r u alright?

and as for your question:

Often we BS set down our boundaries/lists of things the WS must do to R. But how do you all think this relates to recovery from co-dependence to a relationship where that person (here the WS) needs to take responsibility for themselves completely on their own?

for my sich...i did set down the boundaries, he chose not tohonor them...so i have taken responsiblitiy for my own healing completley on my own...

i actually believe that a ws can help us heal, but ultimately i think we need to heal alot of what we feel on our own....the ws can certainly help this dramatically and even hurt this dramatically.....but the final healing, when you become your own true self is purely up to you...

tryn: it sound as though you had a really good night with your wife, maybe you should stop analyzing everything she does right now, take a break and just enjoy each other in all other ways, and relax....

i know much easier said then done when one is horny...no need to tell me....at least you have an outlet now and then....

lostsoul...i would love to hear what analogies she gave your ws...if thats ok with you when you go on monday...

as always

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, July 18th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

actually believe that a ws can help us heal, but ultimately i think we need to heal alot of what we feel on our own....the ws can certainly help this dramatically and even hurt this dramatically.....but the final healing, when you become your own true self is purely up to you...
I do beleive this too, but taken me months to work to this... and
he chose not to honor them
and that is what I pray I never have to make.. iwantamiracle, you seem so powerful and strong to me... oh crap! there I go analyzing everything again... lol... My mom just told me the same thing and she has no clue what I'm going through right now...

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 18th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

my mom has just learned of my husbands multiple pa's, including the 2 lta's....she doesn't know everything, but enough.....prior to her newfound knowledge her comments were incredible, and they ran the gammut...from imagine your reaction if u found out he was sleeping with someone, to you were betrayed (about the money stuff)...to does your counseler know how angry you are.....she was always supportive, but didn't truly undertand, now she does and its so much easier to be me....but now she has to deal with her issues, she's triggered from her own sich, she has a hard time having to be civil to my wh, because we are still living togther and 2 of my children do not know....she is having her own anger issues as a mom.....

i frankly do not know which way is better....but if i thought for one minute that my wh and i could reconcile i would not want her to know....because the 2 of them had finally gotten to a really good place, after being married to the man for 20 years!!!

so as hard as it is for you, i would think it best to keep it private, because it would make it so difficult for your mom to have to deal with your wife.....making reconcillitaion that much more difficult.....i feel the same way about children learning of this kind of info, it only makes it harder...

and you could analyze away, i am always open....one never knows where new insights can come from, and any new insights is power, power to be be true to yourself, power to let go, power to hold on, power for whatever needs need to be met...etc....

and i thank you for thinking me powerful and strong, somedays i feel powerful and strong and then there are those other days....the ones where i turn into a blubbering idiot.....i am very human, a strong minded human, but human!!!

and btw i think of that photo/poem often....lately when i am the recipient of someone's wishes and thoughts, whether they be small or large, fleeting or enduring i find myself completely humbled....and quite grateful.


as always

(((((tribe))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:32 AM, July 18th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 18th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... not sure why I wrote it but when was standing there, I did think of you as that boat. I only wrote one poem for my wife befor Dday and that was back in 1998 or so... I did it because she was telling me she just wasn't feeling good... about her career... missing home. Not ever a word about me not being romantic to her, me not paying attention to her. She read it at the time and said that's nice... It didn't mean to much to her because what I wrote was not who she really was... It was called Picture Perfect... cause that was who I knew. But inside, she knew different... far from perfect... anyway maybe that is more analyzing.. lol. So I never wrote more until recently. I can only write something like that now when I am crying.

My first IC says don't tell the family... so I won't. No need because my stepfather may need liver transplant and my mom doesn't need my worries. Kids know. It was horrible for my daughter. She hated my w for awhile. I just keep telling her to help us, we just needed her to try real hard to stay out of trouble and love both of us... the details were not her business and that will help us both... My son tried to asked me what he hell was going on... but I shut him down and said to him to just love us both, come see mom often and all will be ok... He's been great.

Anyways... off to a wedding party.

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:12 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 18th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

I can only write something like that now when I am crying.

oh no, does that mean you were crying when you thought of me, i don't whether to be flattered or insulted....lol ....ok, ok, ok...i was flattered, just being thought of like i said earlier really touches me.....

your kids are how old.....?

please don't shut them out, no matter the age they do not need details, would serve no purpose, but do they need some kind of answers just as you do.....if left to their imagination or other sources the info may be way off and somewhat detrimental to their mental well being for the future....our spouses are living proof that parenting skill or lack thereof can cause affects for what seem s like forever to us......

knowing that you are working on the marriage together and that you are willing to try and forgive is a huge bonus...

hope you have/had fun at the wedding...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 6:38 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you were crying when you thought of me, i don't whether to be flattered or insulted
lol... never really cried in in about 22 years, that I can remember...I guess it was when my mother and father said they were going to D... Funny how I've tried to write something not choked up, but afterwards, I think they are not so good. That poem I thought about you but it was about me too, in togetherness maybe?? so please don't be insulted... I'm wanting to be strong in my mind... I'm sure I'll be a lion again... when it's time. After dday, cried everyday at some point near 3 months. When in my mind wanted to D, ready to D, firm in my mind to D, Is when started to stop crying.

I have not said anything to my kids yet. I figure when they start a new serious relationship, I will talk to them... about our M and M in general. It is so important to pick a good person to M... and even at that, you take a chance, because anyone can fall for lust.

But not everyone has the ablity to carry on a R for years and years. That is one sick person...

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:29 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

When in my mind wanted to D, ready to D, firm in my mind to D, Is when started to stop crying

when did you go from d to r? and did the tears stay away?

But not everyone has the ablity to carry on a R for years and years. That is one sick person...

the abiltiy to carry on a r for years and years depends on the persepective of the person, the health, finance and children sich as well.....

i don't think someone can be classified as a sick person becuae of the personal choice to reconcile with someone whom they love.....love has had all of us doing things, dealing with thing and living with thing we never dreamed of.....

and reconcilliation can take several turns from what i've seen here on si, whether they be setbacks due to the ws cheating again to triggers that won't go away.....

trying to undo the damage of betrayal is monumental to say the least...and depeding on the severity of the betrayal it could take those years and years.....

i believe people make mistakes, i believe that mistakes can be forgiven when true remorse and true for lack of a better word...penance is done.....

a true apology from somenoe who is truly sorry for their action as opposed to getting caught should consist of

1. the "i'm sorry i did ________"

2. "what can i do to make it up to you"

most people get both wrong...

on the first the apology needs to stop with the action you are apologizing for, no excuses, no reasons, no justifications...just a simple apology concerning the action you are apologizing for.....

on the second part.....the penance persay....what can i do to make it up to you...well for infidelity there is ann extensive list...because it is a serious action...

all penance must match the ill deed.....

for a simle instance....you break a window....you apologize for breaking it, and then you replace it.....

i've taught this to my kids from when they were little....say what you are sorry for and how can you make it up to them...but i am finding that this has not been taught to too many people....the art of apologizing seems to have been replaced by people wanting and needing to find reasons and excuses for their bad behavior......and their really isnt any good enough to justify serious offenses.....the word justifiable has taken on a whole level of people trying to get away with bad behavior....if they can justify what they've done they don't have to feel so bad about it, and hense feel better about themselves....

as much as people are really hard on themselves on alot of issues, when it comes to hurting other people they seem to have lost the ability to really look at themselves in a not so nice light...the reflection is too painful...

anyways i will get off my soapbox now.....i've bent your proverbial ears enough.....

oh btw....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

When in my mind wanted to D, ready to D, firm in my mind to D, Is when started to stop crying

when did you go from d to r? and did the tears stay away?

But not everyone has the ablity to carry on a R for years and years. That is one sick person...

the abiltiy to carry on a r for years and years depends on the persepective of the person, the health, finance and children sich as well.....

i don't think someone can be classified as a sick person becuae of the personal choice to reconcile with someone whom they love.....love has had all of us doing things, dealing with thing and living with thing we never dreamed of.....

and reconcilliation can take several turns from what i've seen here on si, whether they be setbacks due to the ws cheating again to triggers that won't go away.....

trying to undo the damage of betrayal is monumental to say the least...and depeding on the severity of the betrayal it could take those years and years.....

i believe people make mistakes, i believe that mistakes can be forgiven when true remorse and true for lack of a better word...penance is done.....

a true apology from somenoe who is truly sorry for their action as opposed to getting caught should consist of

1. the "i'm sorry i did ________"

2. "what can i do to make it up to you"

most people get both wrong...

on the first the apology needs to stop with the action you are apologizing for, no excuses, no reasons, no justifications...just a simple apology concerning the action you are apologizing for.....

on the second part.....the penance persay....what can i do to make it up to you...well for infidelity there is ann extensive list...because it is a serious action...

all penance must match the ill deed.....

for a simle instance....you break a window....you apologize for breaking it, and then you replace it.....

i've taught this to my kids from when they were little....say what you are sorry for and how can you make it up to them...but i am finding that this has not been taught to too many people....the art of apologizing seems to have been replaced by people wanting and needing to find reasons and excuses for their bad behavior......and their really isnt any good enough to justify serious offenses.....the word justifiable has taken on a whole level of people trying to get away with bad behavior....if they can justify what they've done they don't have to feel so bad about it, and hense feel better about themselves....

as much as people are really hard on themselves on alot of issues, when it comes to hurting other people they seem to have lost the ability to really look at themselves in a not so nice light...the reflection is too painful...

anyways i will get off my soapbox now.....i've bent your proverbial ears enough.....

oh btw....

I'm sure I'll be a lion again

r u sure u really stopped, the "lion" is never really gone, we are all every animal at all times....they just take turns as needed

and finally how was the wedding?


seems to be a pretty quiet weekend....hope all are having a peaceful, happy weekend...

as always

((((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey iwantamiracle...

In December, I wanted a D.. the pain was too much, I couldn't stop thinking about it... so I said I wanted a D because all my friends that had gone through same thing are all so happy. My W asked to please keep trying... and for my kids, life as I know it... decided to keep trying. I have been so in and out about 3 times so far.

But not everyone has the ablity to carry on a R for years and years. That is one sick person...
What I mean to say was carry on an A... lol I do think you are right on.... I think my W is trying everyday to show me she still wants me...

My wife wrote me this...

I remember the days before you, I can’t imagine another one without you.
D, The days before you were so very long ago, I (we) was so young. But I knew then and I know now, we are meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I am so deeply sorry for having lost sight of everything that you mean to me. You are the best person I know and I am blessed to have you as my husband and the father of my children. Thank you for loving and forgiving me. I will live the rest of my days honoring you and our marriage – if you let me. God has worked many miracles in our lives – none more then lately, and if you are able to get through this – and still want me by our side – it will be another of his miracles. I love you and I need you and I want you p for the rest of my life.
All my love, T

Wedding was great..We danced...ate...great people... party was great.. wife was great.. boating today was great.. overall a great weekend for me... but with all that said, I still think about the A all the time.. I hope you had a good one...

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:40 AM, July 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and did the tears stay away?
Not yet.. but I can now cry about things that happen to others... Today, I have more compassion for others.

I will share more from my W...

I want to tell you that I love you for the husband you are to me, the father you are to our children, the son you are to our parents and the friend you are to me. I appreciate the way you take care of things for the house and for all of us. I love that you volunteer for things – even those that you know will drive you crazy! I love that you are passionate about your hobbies. I love that you are generous with our loved ones when they need anything. If I know anything now that I didn’t know in the past, it is how very much you do love me – and how hard you are willing to fight for our marriage. I am so sorry that I lost sight of all of this and have hurt you so deeply in doing so. I am trying to the right things, to focus on all of the good things about you, the good things in our marriage and in our life and the fantastic things to come in our future. We show our love in very different ways, but I know you know that I love you. I do need you and I need to re-gain some self confidence, too.

Living for today is what I need to start doing...

all penance must match the ill deed.
So what is that in the aftermath of an A?

And the lion... kinda like a splinter in my paw... I can say I am working it out.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:03 AM, July 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

all penance must match the ill deed.

So what is that in the aftermath of an A?

the penance must be decided by the individual, each bs has their own unique set of needs that must be met in order to continue to have successful reconcilliation....

there are of course the basic requirements;
total discolosure,
no contact,
100% transparancy and
true remorse

once the basics are in place it up to the bs, such as some bs's want affection, other need distance.....some bs's want details, some do not...so forth.....

if a ws is willing to work at it and a bs can keep an open mind anything is possible.....

the problems come into play when the ws doesn't really work at, and its a half assed effort at best...or even the basic requirements are not in place

and then on the other side of the coin is the bs whose mind is completely closed.....or even if its open its just something that they cannot get past....

reconcilliation is like concieving a child, there is a short window in which it can happen with success, after that the odds start to stack against you....and like conception when successful it truly is a miracle.......so many obstacles to overcome....and too many ego driven fears to conquer.....

your wife writes beautifully and if you really feel that she means what she says and says what she means then i believe you may get your miracle tryn......

still quiet in here....i am hoping its a really good quiet....

as always
(((((((tribe)))))))


[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:41 AM, July 20th (Monday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well... all things considered... I guess my R is going ok...

My IC says I should try this below or something like it when I obsess... take control of your mind... it is your mind.

Serenity Prayer
GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living ONE DAY AT A TIME; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Drunks use that at AA.. lol so I am like a drunk too... drunkin love sick.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:45 PM, July 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

the serenity prayer.....wow, its ironic that your ic gave you that...i had actually copied it in my quote journal......its not just for addictions....they are words to live by for any sich....especially when one is faced with challenges that are painful...


lostsoul: how did it go this morning with the counselor?


as always
(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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