Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wanted to give you all a small update...

my mom a couple of weeks ago asked what was my wh still lying about...i told her that i would tell her after the 4th of july...(we do a really big shindig...needed to concentrate)...i then told my wh that he should be the one to tell her, and to tell her after the 4th...well, instead of checking with me and how to proceed with my mother with htis news, he decided to tell her when he took her back home after a visit with us, (she lives 45 min away)...she prompltly told him that what he did was dispicable and she threw him out of her house.....

i was proud that he told her...very angry that he didn't ask me how to proceed....i am her only kid, she has no husband, because he left her for my mom's sister, she has no close family, she basically has me and only me.....i wold have preferred to tell her in my home where she could hold me if she needed to....and i can at least make sure she was o.k. in person....

saw my counseler, she is still very proud of the way i am handling everything, and agrees that i am winding down...

tribe...in the face of all of this crap i am still happy because i am still me....now that i have me back i am not letting her go...i feel stronger then ever.....don't get me wrong, i am still angry and hurt but i had a small revelation the other day when i was power-walking...i love my life....apart form my wh i love my life, i love wheere i live, i love the friends i've made, i adore my kids, i love and most especially i like them....

its such a strange almost euphoric feeling, i know that i will be just fine no matter what happens....

i wish you all could have this feeling, i pray it lasts and i don't get lost within again....but i really believe it will last

this lta forum seems so quiet lately...i hope that means good things.....

will any of you be around for the ny get together in aug.


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mojos for LSís DD and the imminent birth! I hope she delivers close to her due date and that she finds it a joyful experience. Keep us posted!!!

I am sure that when we look at our children and welcome babies into the world, the A crap takes a step back from the front of stage. I put my WH first and myself last. Unfortunately, instead of putting ME first (as he led me to believe), he also put himself first and me last. Now? If the boys are needing me for something, they come before FWH. I am trying to turn things completely around and put me first. Something I should have done long ago. But itís hard, kwim?

Miracle, do you think pfm told your mom when he did because it was eating him up? Perhaps the waiting for the ďright timeĒ as dictated was too much. I certainly think he should apologise to her and explain why he told her when he did. But he did it. You werenít kicking his ass for being a chicken and avoiding the conversation. Iím pleased you are feeling you can look at what you have and count your blessings. There are many, many things that make life worthwhile and we all deserve to find happiness again. For me, I still have to say I am walking my own path. FWH can be there beside me or he can go his own way. I will NOT be walking the path of HIS choice.

Iíve been reading the SC Gov thread and wondering if FWH was in the same pathetic, adolescent and euphoric state for most of his A. His writing and ďpoetryĒ certainly has the same nauseating quality as the confession and interviews given by Sanford.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in the face of all of this crap i am still happy because i am still me....now that i have me back i am not letting her go...i feel stronger then ever.....don't get me wrong, i am still angry and hurt but i had a small revelation the other day when i was power-walking...i love my life....apart form my wh i love my life, i love where i live, i love the friends i've made, i adore my kids, i love and most especially i like them....

Miracle - I love that you wrote this and that you feel this way. I think it is so important for us to embrace and never let go of that inner joy that sustains us during these times.
It was the one thing I struggled so much with immediately after d-day - trying to recapture my inner joy since I felt my H had "stolen my joy" because of his LTA but it was there all the time and just needed to come up from under all his bullshit.
I recently decided to try to get into the book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I had tried several times and just couldn't seem to get through it so I decided to take it with me for my flight to London. There was a passage in there that I think you would relate to. I hope you find this as powerful as I did.
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it . . . I'm putting this happiness in a bank somewhere . . . held there as insurance against future trials in life."
This passage is so meaningful to me. I have been determined that no matter what my H has done or may do in the future, I will never again allow his selfishness to rob me of my joy. There is no question that life is full of pain and challenges but it is also full of beauty. All I have to do is look into the faces of my two beautiful grandbabies and know that great love is there for me.
This world is full of beauty. No one should be given our permission to interfere with our enjoyment of all that is good in this life.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget.. thank for that post because I needed it right now.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it . . . I'm putting this happiness in a bank somewhere . . . held there as insurance against future trials in life."

I just got through with a long run praying for a message, a sign, some strength.

All my life I have lived by that passage... except I "become lax" in my marriage, allowed my own boundaries to be pierced... and now I'm faced with unhappiness... I know I can pull myself out of this...

I commit to making myself happy...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf...you were right that passage is truly an inspiration, i will write a copy of it in my quote journal....and i am happy that you found your inner joy too...babies sometimes have a way of bringing out the best in what we feel, a renewal of sorts and most certainly the miracle of a new life.....

i am so happy that you enjoyed your visit with julia, and i hope you get to visit her often.

welcome trynhard.....as we say here in si, sorry you find yourself here, but happy you found us......

i am still considered a newbie, even though i feel like i have been at this for a lifetime.....

i read your profile, its good that you are doing a lot of reading, staying procative in your own recovery is truly a blessing and enlightening....

we all possess the power of with-in....tapping into it though when in emotional turmoil sometimes feels impossible....self-pity sets in and rightfully so, but one should not allow oneself to wallow in it too long.....

trynhard....i also admire that you are putting an enormous effort into reconciling with your wife....

do you think pfm told your mom when he did because it was eating him up? Perhaps the waiting for the ďright timeĒ as dictated was too much. I certainly think he should apologise to her and explain why he told her when he did

ukgirl...no, i don't think it was eating him up as much as i believe its his way of taking control of a hard task that i've given him....i also believe that he is trying really hard with everything else, because he still can't do the one thing he truly needs to do, which is to stop the lying and fess up....i know he still holding onto information regarding sex with women.....

in my reading i've learned that this can be a power move, when they lie, they have control of what you know and how much you know, relinquishing control is something he is unable to do at this time, and he may never get to that point, which i find very sad for him...i told him yesterday that if he dropped dead his legacy would be that he was a liar...not a pretty legacy to leave your kids....not a pretty legacy for himself either....

and ukgirl....as you walk you path remember that you must put yourself first and foremost.....even the boys must not preceed you putting you first.....if you nourish you, you will have more to offer them...

hugs to all

(((((tribe)))))



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's another passage from Gilbert's book that I hope you enjoy:
"My life had gone to bits and I was so unrecognizable to myself that I probably couldn't have picked me out of a police lineup. But I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started . . . (I'll leave each of us the opportunity to fill in the blank ), and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."
I loved this passage so much and have always believed it to be true. I could perfectly relate to the first lines as well as I felt completely unrecognizable to myself in those early days.
I also felt that I not only had the obligation to myself to recover my joy but to my children and loved ones. And I think it gave me a goal to focus on that was separate from the goal of R'ing with my H. I saw this as the one thing I needed and had to do for myself and I was determined to do it.
I want to add though that unlike our FWS's, happiness is not something we seek at the expense of those we love, it is something we must strive for for the benefit of ourselves and our loved ones.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:04 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard - welcome to our special corner of SI. I hope you find what you need here and please post as often as you like. There is always someone here willing to listen and share (although weekends are a little slow). Sounds like you are doing some great reading. I hope you also have a good MC as well as an IC. I can say from personal experience that our MC really was instrumental in bringing my H out of his fog and had a way of getting him to be accountable for his 8 years of betrayal. I do hope your W is prepared to do the hard work of R. It is a tough road and not for the "faint of heart."


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

as inspiriational as your next quote from the book is...i quite love what you said

happiness is not something we seek at the expense of those we love, it is something we must strive for for the benefit of ourselves and our loved ones

it kind of encompasses all of it, and i like that

ourselves
comes first...

very well said fnf, very well said indeed


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
REALLY SAD
♀ Member
Member # 23030
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I would like to introduce myself because unfortunatley this is where I belong.

I found out December 29/08 that my husband had been having an affair for the previous 2.5 years. I had suspected for sometime...drastic changes in behaviour and attitude at times, birthday and christmas cards that he explained were from this desperate woman who was stalking him to an anonymous phone call to me from someone claiming to be a friend of the woman that my husband was having an affair...calling me because I deserved to know.

Like I said I found out 12/29/09 and we started R the evening of 12/31/09...it was short lived. DD#2 came 02/21/09 when I found emails between the two of them and I told him that I wanted him to leave. We attempted R again on 03/01/09 and I thought it would be different, he seemed genuine and was forth coming and offered information up that I didn't know which was a first....his previous MO was lie and deny. It had been tough some bad but some real good until about mid May when I noticed a change in him and his attitude towards me and things started going drastically downhill from there. WH travels a lot for work and basically wasn't home much in May and June which is tough to deal with in a healthy marriage and when he was home on the weekend I was mad or upset about what happened on the phone or the week before or was just generally lonely and missing him and feeling as though something just wasn't right between us. Fights became more frequent, more personal and nastier.

It all came to a head last Wednesday July 1st. He told me that he wasn't happy. He told me how much he loved me, that he didn't think he could ever love another soul the way he loves me, that I was his best friend and that everything that he/we had he owed to me but he just didn't know if his heart was in it!
I then asked him if he'd been in contact with his AP and he said yes that contact had been sporadic at best but that he stopped by to see her in mid May. She lives 4 hours from us and on his way home from working out of town, he detoured through her city to stop by and see her new place, she had moved the month prior. Said he stayed for an hour and left. When I asked if he'd slept with her he said "NO!!!" and when I rolled my eyes he said "her kid was there"! So had the kid not been around then it could have been a whole different story.

I did ask him if I was all of those things to him and he loved our life and our home...what was missing for him? He paused for a few minutes and lamely shrugged and offered up the word "passion" with a ? after it!

I said puhlease! We've been together for 18 years, we know each other inside and out so sometimes to ignite the spark you have to work a little at it and that means both parties but considering the fact that he'd been sleeping with someone else for the past 2+ years and my self confidence was at an all time low he needed to step up to the plate on that front and make his wife feel desirable and like he wanted her again.

I told him that it made me frustrated and sad that at a time in our marriage that I feel he should have been giving 150% he couldn't even muster up 100%. He said that he was sorry that I felt that way but he felt as though he'd given 100%.

I go through stages where I'm confident and almost relieved that this whole sordid mess has finally reached a conclusion even though it's not the ending that I wanted. Unfortunately for me I still love him. I hate the person and husband that he has become but I'm desperately mourning and missing the guy that I knew for 17 years before this.

I've been reading your stories and felt as though I should introduce myself. You guys seem like a great bunch and maybe some of the wisest people that I've ever had the misfortune of meeting!


Truth whether good, bad or ugly can be dealt with. Hope on the other hand can be devastating!

Me - BS (37)
Him - WS (36)
Together - October 1991
Married - September 2005
DDay#1 - 12/29/08
DDay #2 - 02/21/09
His heart just isn't in it -


Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello reallysad, as i've said a few time before, i'm so sorry you are here, but welcome to a very safe place....

you've been a lurker, does that mean you've been to the healing library, if not please go there,
trynhard....you too, have you been to the healing library....

this is a rollercoaster of a new journey in your life, please remember to take care of yourselves, the road is long and its a really hard one...but rest assured that whatever the outcome, you will survive and learn to thrive...

post as often as you need to, sometimes this board is a little slow on weekends, but for the most part one of us is usually around....even if we can't give you answers we can give you support, hugs and prayers.....

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:42 PM, July 9th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Really Sad and Tryinhard. There is a lot of good advice, shoulders to cry on, hugs and the occasional laugh in this corner of SI. We all have different stories but over time we have found so much similarity that it is amazing.

I would usually try to hang and give more advice but we have had a loss in our family. My father passed away this morning after a long illness. We knew it was coming but my mother is still devastated. They would have been married 65 years in August! Please say a prayer of peace for my mom.

Thanks,

HS


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtshirley and family please accept my deepest sympathy....

words cannot express the sadness i feel for you and your mom especially......

((((((hurtshirley and family)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley,

My sincerest condolences on the loss of your father.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle, hurtshirley and forgivenotforget, Thank you for those kind words.

hurtshirley.. my prayes you get for your mother and father.

I know today is better than yesterday... If I could only rid my mind of this poison.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard...

take it one day at a time, sometimes its one minute at a time......

and be proactive in your own healing....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I had a magic wond that could make may wife do what I want right now... it would be...

- Let's both want to find new jobs in Florida... downsize to a house in distress, fix it up, to rent or flip... make new friends, me starting a property mgt company... Jobs we both love and kids come live near us. Simplify my life with no obligations to others... just myself.

- I would want her to forgive herself.

- tell me she will be by me forever.

- tell me she finds me sexually attractive.... when I least expect it, she would taking my hand, pulling me as close as she can to her body, a long passionate kiss, without a word... take me to our... and... while looking at me with her blue eyes...well you know the rest... oh yeh with a candle she lights...

- tell me she is a new person... and will never ever betray the boundaries outside what a good person is suppose to be.. I don't know, maybe she has said this..

oh well.. I'd better wake up now.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC did suggested Retrouvaille... It was kinda funny that I asked my wife to go.. she said she would... so I look at flying down to Dallas. She didn't want to do that cause kids stuff. So I mentioned in August here in Indiana... she said yes.

She got on line and requested info... I got on line and signed us up! that says it all about the way our R is going so far.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard....i loved how positive your dream is...it shows a man who really want to make it work....

and yay for you, going to retrovaille.....

i just met ya and already i feel proud....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, Iím sorry to hear about your Dad. Age or illness doesnít make the grief any less. I hope your mom can get through this, although with your support, Iím sure she will. Many hugs for you. 65 years. Thatís something special. (((((HS)))))

Welcome trynhard and reallysad to our corner of SI. I hope we can give you help and advice and that you can find that this kind of betrayal is survivable. Reconciliation and trust issues are very hard after finding years of lies, so itís best to start by taking care of yourself first and foremost and to take baby steps. Iím sorry to say that I donít stray too much out of LTA, I find some of the stuff in Gen too hard to take (can be harsh) and JFO too painful Ėalthough I do read and have given support for the early newbies. I was all over the place when I first came here.

Tryn, It sounds from your profile that your wife is working hard on her issues. I hope you have found a strong and sympathetic MC to help you in a structured way and some sort of IC so that you KNOW it was nothing to do with you. We all have our different stories here, but every one of us can identify with the long term element that others in JFO or Gen have difficulty understanding. Know that we do understand how hard it is to look at your marriage and think it was just a lie. The difference is you were living the truth, your spouse was living the lie.

Reallysad, I donít know what to offer you. I see you have been here for some months, so I assume you have read the Healing Library and the posts in JFO by SerJR and others aimed at bringing the spouse out of the fog and at looking after yourself. He sounds as though he is in a delusional state. You are right about the ďpassionĒ statement. It is a state of limerence, not passion, and certainly not love. He is chasing rainbows and a lost youth. I can only suggest the 180. It seems he is hell bent on self destruction. Have you asked him to move out for now? Sometimes the reality of living in a crummy apartment or your basement/garage brings them out PDQ. You sound strong, take all the help and support from here and follow through on the message you are giving to him. Hugs hon.

As for my own news, nothing much Iím afraid. This pm FWH held me and said he was sorry. He had planned some sort of getaway holiday thing and missed the booking deadline because I was doing the online banking and would see the transaction. So he lost the break he was hoping to surprise me with. I told him it didnít matter, although it obviously mattered very much to him. Why the secrecy??? He asked if I wanted to know what he had tried to get. Ummm, no. if Iím not getting it and I never knew I was going to get it, why would I want just disappointment? DS4 is off on a school trip to the Far East next week and FWH has booked the week off. I have said that I would like to go away, but not out of the UK and to be contactable for DS4. He could make those convoluted arrangements for MOW on numerous occasion over the years and it becomes a big issue to do ONE break for the two of us.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:12 PM, July 10th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ukgirl)))))

sometimes men are just plain stupid.....

no offense trynhard please....

too bad someone didn't do a book for the ws's titled

"how to make proper amends and repairing relationships when you committed infidelities for DUMMIES"

i know it would sell alot of copies....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.