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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Weepy! Missed you here and hoped life was improving.
More power to you on your decision to leave the toxic situation.
Please keep us informed and know you are wished only the best.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Weepy.
You sound strong and determined. Good on you!

***

(((((Miracle)))))
No words, just massive hugs.

***

Fnf, Ukg, Brooke, DHAC (did I miss anyone out??)
I am so looking forward to meeting you all.
See you in a week.
Someone pick a restaurant already!

And for the rest of the US crew..its not too late to join...


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2, Fnf, Ukg, Brooke, DHAC... I'll be there in spirit!

I've never been to the UK but it's on my 'bucket list'. Both FWH and I have relatives living there. A cousin of his from Kent was here just recently.

On this side of the ocean we'll be impatiently waiting for the arrival of GS#2. <GriN>

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not ready to go into detail yet..

but as dr phil says when there if you see 1 rat, there 50 that you don't....#4 goes back to over 10 years ago...

so basically he has persued anything with a vagina, and my gut says its been since before we even married....he is one of those men.....

never in a million years would i ever suspected.....

thats enough of me for now....

weepy, good for you, taking your power back is truly empowering.....being true to oneself is the way to live life...

ukgirl...this month is almost over, i know the added anxiety of it has been putting salt on an already big wound...

fnf....

. No sooner had they left and I had come into the computer room to check in on everyone here, that my H came back and told me that there was dust on the fireplace hood. WTF??
Not, gee hon, thanks for making tonight so special. Wow, you really knocked yourself out. Thanks for a great meal. No - just you missed some dust in the family room - FUCK YOU buddy, take care of it yourself. Then when I responded angrily, he stomped off mumbling under his breath and feeling sorry for himself because I always criticize him.
It's that kind of thing. This is so typical of his family upbringing. I saw that all the time with his parents. Hold out on praise and tell your children (and spouse) how it can be done better. Let me tell you for anyone who doesn't live with this, that this really gets old after 34 years of marriage and one LTA.
I'm off my pity platform and anxious to hear how everyone else is doing. Thank you for indulging me everyone. I do feel better.

needed to address this, i lived it for my entire marriage til d-day...

this emotionaly abuse can be so damned fustrating and i used to make excuses for it because i thought he was just misguided, overworked and would one day see the light....i also didn't know at the time that he had been fucking around......AAARRRRGGGGHHHH

and hurst shirley your reponse:

my H came back and told me that there was dust on the fireplace hood.

He is lucky he is still alive. OMFG!!! I want to drive down there a hit him over the head with a baseball bat. Who does he think you are? June Fucking Cleaver?

I gotta go cool off after reading that.

(marches off through dust bunnies of dog hair to cool off)

put a big big smile on a face that was feeling so sad, so thank you ....and my dogs hair has wings..it flies everywhere so i could most certainly appreciate your comments even more.....

each of these actions: provoking us, ommitting truths, withholding information, inappriate emails with "colleagues" of the opposite sex, whatever, is a form of P/A behavior. This behavior is very, very hard to change and they have to acknowledge it within themselves and work to change it

and forgive me i can't remember who posted this one...but boy oh boy can i relate......

it amazes me how similar all of these men are.....their stories at times are interchangeable, there is no uniqueness....and you gotta love the families that breed them.....not that thats an excuse because i
ve got a fucked up family with exception to my mom, but i always knew that my choices were just that my choices, not choices made for me.....and every time my wh came and comes up with that line of his upbringing it makes me so damned mad, because i am so sure that his parent never taught him to fuck around......and most certainly wouldn't ever tell him to do so....so if family approval is what you wee after, sorry not buying that one....yes your foo can give you some serious issues, but each person is resposible for their own choices and behavior......all you need to know are the fundamental difference between right and wrong.....and decide if you want to live a right life or a wrong life...i don't know call me crazy but being right is just so damned satisfying, being wrong just sucks....

right life vs wrong life.....

so many of you are having a rough month and to all of you i send (((((hugs))))) and peace....

and the few of you left who are doin o.k. i also send you ((((HUGS)))) and continued peace.......

and for those of you getting together soon...have a great time, and when you all embrace put the rest of us in your thoughts, because i for one will be there in spirit....



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

I hear you. The one promise I made to myself on d-day that I know I will always keep is to never sit still when someone treats me poorly -- particularly my husband. He has used up all his strikes.

I'm sorry your husband couldn't manage to get it together, and I feel for your son. But you taught him well, he knows enough to keep his distance from a person who is being hurtful. I'm glad he has the apartment as a refuge from your H's assholishness.

We're all here behind you, Weepy. I'm glad to see you staying true to yourself.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2, thanks so much for thinking of me! I stop in and read off and on. To be honest, sometimes coming to this site can be very hard for me. I don't know if it's triggering, or just making me think and feels things that I am not emotionally able to think and feel right now.

I hope every has a wonderful time together!!!!!


Things here have been pretty stable I suppose. We still go to MC, he tries when specifically told, but does not seem to be able to think on his own at all in terms of making things up to me or making our marriage better. IC and MC agree...he needs to be spoon fed. I need to accept that or not, but it doesn't appear to be changing. If I tell him specifically, for example, come lie down and rub my back because it hurts, thenhe will. But it won't occur to him to offer. Dumb things like that. I don't know if we will make it but I am trying and I think he is trying.

No word from ow in many months (January?? I think was the last). The porn has stopped. So things are moving in a good direction.

Affairs are just exhausting though. And if I coudl go back and change it all, I would. Mnay say they wouldn't, they like where they are, etc. I woudl change it all adn not go through this hurt.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and for those of you getting together soon...have a great time, and when you all embrace put the rest of us in your thoughts, because i for one will be there in spirit....

Miracle you can be sure we will be thinking of you and everyone here wishing our meeting included all of you. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity to meet these very special women.
Hang in there. I know this has to be so tough right now so try to keep in touch if you need our support and hugs. (((((Miracle)))))
SL - I know what you mean about coming here sometimes and feeling things that you may not be ready to feel. Do what is best for you and know that we are with you in spirit too. ((((SL))))
LH - I'm not sure when you leave, maybe today, but if I didn't miss you, have a great time and don't be afraid to let your hair down and PARTY! with the girls. Now you know I just have to post this link for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5JQjOLnzqQ
Now go and have a great time - you've earned it!
See you next Sunday.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anybody here have issues when WH talks about OW like they were married 4ever or something. Things were going well over-the-weekend & I said something about disliking OC wearing flip-flops (look cheap) all the time when she comes from OW's house.

Anyway, WH said something like

I don't know why OW puts flip-flops on OC. She's told me so many times how much she dislikes people showing feet in public & hates flip-flops.

I have an issue w/showing feet in public & it's weird that OW does also.

But, my problem is, when he says things like "OW always" or "OW likes" or "OW can't stand"...it makes me feel like he was married to her instead of me.

ALSO, over-the-weekend, I guess since we were changing clothes & such to find stuff for family to wear for family photos, OC must've seen my butt @some point. WH told me later that OC said

My mom (OW) has bigger tits than Momma, but Momma has a nice butt & mom's butt is flat.

OH GOD! Yea, I know OW has huge jugs & my figure is getting better since I've lost so much weight. BUT, why did WH feel the need to even mention OW. I would have been perfectly fine never knowing what OC had said about my figure.

Man, he's mentioned OW multiple times this weekend & it's really killing me. OC went home early (sun instead of mon night), so I got my mom to take DS12 & DS9 for the night. We were passionate & everything....why on earth did OW even pop into his conversation, when we had such a good evening alone?

I guess, I just needed to vent some. I didn't wanna get mad @WH, but it really hurt my feelings.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:29 AM, June 29th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Repeat. I read your profile and feel for your situation. I guess you must get a lot of support over in OC thread and this sort of thing must come up far more frequently for you than those of us without an OC to bring into the equation. Do you think OW knows you donít like flip-flops? I donít have OC or step kids, so I cannot imagine trying to accommodate part-time children into my life. I hope I would be inclined to just stick to acceptable behaviour from them and ignore clothing issues. If I really didnít want any connection with children that were not biologically mine, Iíd find somewhere to go while they were with their father.
BUT, why did WH feel the need to even mention OW. I would have been perfectly fine never knowing what OC had said about my figure.
Did you ask him? Havenít you told him you are not the slightest bit interested in OW and any comparisons only emphasise how low he was prepared to sink when he made his poor choices to go with her. That the only reason OW is still in YOUR life is b/c of OC.
I didn't wanna get mad @WH, but it really hurt my feelings.
Iím sorry, but Iíd tell him to shut the fuck up. HE is the one whoís done all the dishing out of pain, so why are you holding back? Is it that you donít want to hurt HIS feelings?

I'm not surprised you feel the need to vent!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly there. Just tomorrow and June can be packed away for another year. Maybe next year Iíll even forget June has any significance.

I went away to see 4xM friend (with same name but diff spelling as MOW) and saw her for her bíday. Weather was great and we had a lovely time. Came home and sank into a funk. Didnít want to get up Saturday. Bitchface MOWís bíday. It was sunny and warm and I just wanted it to be cold and rainy. DS3 had his 21st yesterday, so I had to get up and do some running around. And then I went back to bed. And then I was ill. I was so wound up and upset and angry and SCREAMING inside, I actually made myself ill. Fortunately, DS3 had gone off to the city to party with his friends and didnít stroll in with DS1 until noon yesterday Ė just in time to go out for his booked lunch. I made myself look reasonable and got through it pretty okay, forcing thoughts out and thinking of my boys. Boys went off round town, H and I went home, DS4 went off with his friends and I spent a couple of hours feeling like I was going to throw up Ė again. H was like ďdonít do this to yourselfĒ. I just wanted to slide away and disappear. I wish Iíd thrown him out. I hate how he put her before us. How he had to have the ďdecencyĒ to be home for DS3's 18th b'day. Which, of course, she was privy to. How could I not see it? He must have despised my innocence and naivety as he mentally flaunted his affair in front of me.
*******

Weepy, itís so sad that your H just canít change from that bitter, sarcastic man into giving a bit more. If he GAVE out, he would GET back and then he would have nothing to snipe about. But maybe he enjoys his life in vitriol. Iím wishing you every inch of success to get your goals for the autumn and after all this time your choice to leave has to be the right one. Probably a case of way too late for him, which is extremely sad. But you canít let yourself stay in such a toxic relationship, itís pure poison. No one can say you didnít give it your all.
And going to the gym every day Ė wow! I bet you feel and look GREAT!
********

Miracle Ė which stone was this one hiding under and what does your H have to say?
********

Affairs are just exhausting though. And if I coudl go back and change it all, I would. Mnay say they wouldn't, they like where they are, etc. I woudl change it all adn not go through this hurt.
Hi SoL! And to say I totally agree. Every time I try to examine my contribution to his choice to fuck his old gf, I canít find a thing. Nothing. Maybe we should have moved house more and all that, but we had the boys to consider and I was NOT going to carry on drifting around the country on his coat tails. I reckon he was going to have an affair with her come what may. But if we had emigrated to Australia in 2004........? Who knows.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:33 AM, June 29th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my main issue is, I'm the wife. Why in the heck do I need to know things about OW that I don't ask. Yes, OC cause the remaining contact, but he NEVER should have picked back up w/her. Their off & on PA/EA has been going on for 10-11 years now. I really should have left when I was pregnant & he broke NC. I could have forgiven A#1, but this just keeps on & on. I can never let down my guard. I really thought our marriage was SAFE after he got paralyzed in 2005. I feel like I gave SO much to his care & wellbeing, plus became the main caregiver for all 3 children. It just makes me so mad that 10 of our 15 years of marriage have had her as a 3rd wheel! I had basically gotten over OC somewhat (as much as possible), but now OW is there again. But, instead of staying out-of-picture like a mistress should...she's been much more verbal/texting etc & doesn't have any shame in the whole thing. I deserve an apology or something from her!

WH & I have been together 20 years in October. I just feel like the last 10 years were a lie....like I was the one in the FOG.

GOD, I feel so stupid for being nice to OW....and thinking what she told me was a lie (when it was really WH who was lying & trickle truth). How can someone live w/secrets like those for so long and they not eat WH up?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, someone who does my hair & knows my situation & also knew how devastated our family was when WH got injured did my hair lately. She had seen us after D-day#3 @park w/3 kids & mentioned how happy we looked together. She offered to kick OW's butt for me. I should have told her GO4IT!

This OW just won't give up. She has an opportunity to start over again w/BH and they had a child. Why on earth, couldn't she work on her marriage instead of letting WH know of her continued feelings for him & starting up w/him again? Couldn't she just give up & go away?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat - I am so sorry that your situation is so unsettled and that your H seems so oblivious to your pain. I must say that it is critical to make him understand that there is to be no mention of her other than what is necessary to arrange OC visits. I remember in the early months following my own d-day my H would say "We, blahblahblah, and we etc, etc., etc. and I would scream that there was no "WE" other than him and I. She was his fuckbuddy. I was his wife, the mother of his children and the one who made his homelife warm and comfortable and loving. I entertained our friends, his family and mine, I arranged vacations, I handled all aspects of our children's care and education. She merely fucked him. (Oops, sorry for my mini rant ). I told him that if she ever had to come up in conversation he could only refer to her as "it" or on a good day, "she." He was never to say her name, discuss her unless she tried to make contact, or suggest to me in any way that he was ever concerned about her.
I would make very definite stipulations where the OW in your case is concerned. I hate to say this but I do believe that any unnecessary, continued discussion involving her in some way suggests he is still a bit in a fog and needs to be ended, IMHO.
Also, IMHO, GET MAD AT YOUR HUSBAND, it might feel better than you can imagine. Seriously, let him see your pain, your anger, your grief. You have been amazingly supportive especially considering his injuries. WTF is he thinking? I'm with UKG when she said, "I'd tell him to shut the fuck up." He needs a wake up call and a very serious discussion about appropriate and acceptable mention of the OW.
(((((((Repeat))))))))
UKG - One more day to June. It's almost over now. It sounds like you had a nice break from your sadness with your friend and with all the distraction of your DS's birthday. Hopefully now you can put this behind you and like you said, maybe next year you won't give it another thought. It truly does get better over time. I am always amazed when I look back and see how far I've come. In those first 2 years there was rarely a day when I wasn't in tears. I'm 3 1/2 years out and I can honestly say that although I have some lingering sadness, it is not the gut wrenching, numbing, incapacitating pain of those early days.
(((((((UKG)))))
Well, I'm off to pack up for tomorrow. I can't believe my visit is finally near. See you soon.
HS - are you ok??? We haven't heard from you and I was wondering if you changed your mind and got a head start to London. Maybe you've decided to come afterall!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget

WH actually saw the depth of my pain this time. All the continued contact w/OW for OC's bb-games really kept me crying a lot (especially in car after ballgames or @night in bed I'd cry all night long).

After D-day#2 and OC was impending, I had to go to IC for severe depression, so I guess since WH didn't see the true depths of my pain & I didn't want my children or OC to think that OC was "bad" or made mommy cry, I guess he thought I was okay w/it. I was doing most of my crying in ICs office, or when WH was on graveyard & I was home alone w/our 2 DSs. WH always used to tell me "don't cry in front of the children." Funny, on D-day#3 when he was bawling, he asked "how can you care for children & go through house w/out crying...hiding it?" I said, you've told me so long to hide my pain from kids, it's just what I do now. I have to put on a "happy" face for them. It bothered him that I could walk around not bawling like I was in our private bedroom area.

I am the contact for OC now, as that was a condition of R#3. It took some time for compliance & OW wouldn't agree for me being pickup/dropoff until she herself was faced w/R w/BH (he'd kicked her & OC out of house).

I think I need to sit down w/WH and tell him how great he's been doing by not calling her & letting me be contact for OC. But, that I don't feel any discussions about her (her wants, desires, feelings, likes/dislikes, etc.) have anything to do with US. I have to be harder on WH. I need to be less critical of anything to do w/OC also, as I am guilty of bringing up OW sometimes when I'm angry about something she has or hasn't done for OC.

I was so weepy for many months post d-day#3, that he said one day "this was the deal breaker wasn't it, you're going to leave me aren't you?" I told him, I didn't know if I was going to leave. I didn't know if I could stay. I've left it @that for months, but I just don't think he knows what I'm going through still.

OW broke NC 3x this month (talking to WH through OC)...her in background relaying info that should have been relayed through me via text or in written note to WH. The third time, WH got fed-up w/OC being relay & asked to speak w/her. He had promised not to speak w/her unless OC emergency & then he'd promised only to speak w/her when I was present. So, there's 2 stikes against him. They'd been 100% NC for about 3 months (when ballgames stopped). I had gone to every ballgame & she sometimes would try & talk to us (all friendly like) or talk 2 him when I wasn't next 2 him. Really pissed me off.

I just can't seem to continue cheerful R, if I get angry over everything. Some days, I am not so sure I'll be able to stay. I am really trying, but the things which he apparently believes to be silly forgetfullness on his part, are almost to the point of being dealbreakers for me. How do I tell him this?

I keep reminding him that he promised MC on D-day (or that weekend), but it still hasn't happened. We have other issues besides OW, but my biggest problem w/WH is his defense of OW (which is less & less now) & I want her to drop off face of earth! If I wish hard enough, could a meteor hit her or lightning take her out? I would probably feel guilt over it, if OW died though...thinking it was my fault.

In a conversation about OC's aunt getting a divorce, WH brought up that the aunt (OW's baby sister divorced once after leaving BH for OM and now I guess starting D#2) had always given OW advice. That she told OW that if she was unhappy in her marriage, to leave H, but that WH was NEVER gonna leave me after all this time & not to leave her H expecting WH to leave me. I don't know what that mean or when she said it to OW, but it makes me angry...as this is one of the people going to OC's ballgames & sitting near us to harass me.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:50 PM, June 29th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This must be so very hard for you, repeat. It sounds as though you and OWís family live pretty close by. And that others are in the know and letting you know they are in the know. For your own sanity, you have to create YOUR boundaries and stick to them absolutely. This too-ing and fro-ing is tearing you apart and it will certainly wreck your marriage if it continues.

Get angry. Lay down your rules and lay out the consequences if others donít like it. The OC is being a pawn here and that just isnít fair. Keep OWís H in the loop and anyone else who will bat for you. Be open, frank and firm to the point of being brutal. Your sanity and your children should be your first and, at times only, priority. They were playing stupid fucking games and you and your children were the one caught in the middle. Your H and his manipulative OW were going for what they wanted at the time, with no thought whatsoever for the consequences.

Put YOURSELF first from now on. Okay, so heís paraplegic, donít let him throw the sympathy card, itís clear his dumb brain wasnít affected by the accident. You do not owe him a thing. You have done nothing wrong, in fact you are the one trying to hold things together in a fair and reasonable way. He cannot be overly pleasant to OCís mother. He has a responsibility to the child, thatís all. And no doubt he can do as a lot of men do in this situation, pay her the money and have nothing further to do with either her or the child.

Sit down with your IC and draw up guidelines. Work through them until you are satisfied that they put YOU first before the consideration of your H, the OC or that whiny OW. Then act on it.

So many hugs to you, I could slap your OW into next week.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with UKG when she said, "I'd tell him to shut the fuck up."

i agree with this statement 100%...repeat i think you need to stand up for yourself, be true to yourself and lay down the law for you own sanity.....

your story is heartbreaking, but you will survive and you will thrive (my newest mantra)....

uk girl....last day of june tomorrow...

weepy stay strong

fnf...safe flight, enjoy your meeting and most especially meeting your new grandchild, you are meeting her aren't you?

solost....glad to hear that things are better....

Miracle Ė which stone was this one hiding under and what does your H have to say
?

this one was a co-worker.....i don't know all the particulars, i don't really know her pecking order, whether she was before #2 or after or even how many in between, he started to lie again, actually just never stopped....30 second prior to admitting that nothing happended he blurted out that she "just gave him a handjob"....and that was all there was...i am so tired of those words...i stopped him and told him that i had had enough....i wasn't going to sit still for this crap of trickle truth...and i meant it, as soon as my middle child is old enough...my boys will be told and this marriage dissolved......i told him that i deserved better and i want a penis attached to a person who WILL make me feel as though i "AM IT" for him...i told him that when this relationship happens that i will be discreet...i will no longer put my life on hold for him...my kids, yes i need to be discreet so that they know nothing, but i deserve some happiness and dammit i will have it...

he's been posting again and he's still not getting it at all, especially the one about "the truth is only the truth if it is believed"....and he thinks this is some concept....it just another way of trying to twist some more truth....now thats the concept...pure unadulterated truth...whole and complete...

but what do i know????

my daughter knows about #4 and that i believe that her dad is still lying....i did tell her that right now i believe he is being faithful...of course this is only sexually and i am sure that it will be short lived...urges will come back....he will want to get his needs met..only this time i will also get my needs met.....


he is the worst kind of cheater and his remorse is still selfish based...remorse for what he's lost, remorse for what he's done but no action to back it up, just lies.....how remorseful can he be if he still lying....the answer is......drumroll please...."he's not"

i personally in my soul, inside my very being where my true self lies is still good, that workshop brought me back to me...and i am stronger then ever as is my resolve....i am still hurt and angry therefore not ready to forgive but i know i will be there because i am truly starting to fall out of love with him....i feel some indifference to him and i know that it will be done sooner, especially at the rate he's going, "mr. you know all there is" he's also mad at me because i don't believe...youcould see it all over him even though he insists he's really mad at himself...and again how mad could he be...the lies continue.....

i am rambling again, sorry....i am just amazed at how stupid he is and thinks i am....

well that it for now....moving to f & g for some lightness...

as usual (((((HUGS))))) to all


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, have you read emptyoneís profile? Get pfm to read it, then he might ďget itĒ, finally.

Has he ever done a timeline? I got FWH to do one giving him guidelines by way of events that were going on in our lives at various times. Of course, he still lied and omitted and minimised, waltzing all around giving me bits of info. But it was better than nothing and I knew what to read into it. It has to be a case of ALL CARDS ON THE TABLE, not holding some or an alternative deck in the hand.

Iíve nicked this quote from a DL post and these are the pertinent points:
Lying is theft. Lying creates inequality. Lying treats people as means to the end you wish to accomplish.

The other thought being that as he had boxed this all up for so long (didnít they all) it is possible his memory is incomplete and as he is emptying the box those memories are being uncovered. I honestly think my FWH has altered memory Ė he has rewritten the affair so successfully over time (including the time he was still in the affair, particularly the last 2yrs of it) Ė that he does believe his painted picture he is presenting to me. After three years, Iím not going to get any more. But these WS do not seem to understand that after years of lies, the truth actually does matter. If we didnít want to know, we wouldnít ask.

..urges will come back....
Not necessarily. Heís got no belief or trust from you to hide behind. And he has recognised that by the exposure of that side of his character, it has to be banished or there is no hope for him in any relationship.

Donít forget to cut yourself some slack and step away from this from time to time. Just a day off where you say enough for now. Take a breather.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks UKG & IWM. I do post a lot in I Can Relate for OC, but I have a lot of LTA issues as well. Sometimes, I guess it's more about ME & WH & OW, than OC.

I have seen progress from WH. So much more guilt & what appears to be remorse than before. I honestly believe he tells himself that since he's not getting SEX & other things he'd needed from me, he is justified in cheating.

I think we both need IC & MC. He is laid off work right now & he'd promised to do MC, but then finances got tight. I don't even know if our new health ins. would pay for MC (probably would pay for IC w/copays). IC really helped me after A#2, but WH's EAP @work paid for something like 8 visits w/out copay & then I went over to using his regular health ins. for $40 copay/visit. I don't know if the pastor of my church does MC/IC (he's a new hire) & I'd feel weird about it, since I barely know him.

Does anyone else feel something like grief for your marriage woes? I had basically gotten over A#1/A#2, but still occasionally (on antiversaries & OC's b-days etc) had weepy spells/bouts of depression. We've gone through HB after A#1 & A#3. I miss the attention of HB. I feel like if he isn't giving me LOTS of attention, I get very down. I've never been so NEEDY before. After A#2, he was very gifty until OC arrived (digital camera for anniversary, $400+ Mother's necklace for Christmas, date nights etc.)

Nobody except my best friend knew about A#1, WH wanted us to hide it from ILs & my mother/brother. Of course, w/child on way, A#2 caused a big reveal & I also revealed A#1 to ILs & my family & coworkers (my distant relatives didn't know until OC was about 3 months). I had a 7-month-old & 3-year-old to think about so I stayed, thinking I wanted DSs to have a whole/complete family that I never had (I'm a bastard child w/my mom being the BlackSheep). I'm not sure why I stayed this time. WH seemed so different in his agony & more agreeable about NC & other things about OW. But, he has spells of what I call backsliding (making progress then doing stupid stuff like telling me something about their sexlife or talking to OW on phone when OC calls.) I told him the next time she tries to talk in background of OC's call, to politely ask OC to tell her momma to send him a note about her OC issues or to text me.

OW accused WH of being "whipped" soon after d-day, because I wanted them to go NC & him to find alternate pickup/dropoff person. SO funny...she must be whipped also. When her BH finally initiated R and allowed her to return home (w/OC), HE insisted on someone else besides WH being pickup/dropoff...then OW finally came calling WH to ask about it.

After D-day & she started R, she wanted WH to call her (from his work) the next week so they could discuss particulars of A. I think they wanted to sync their stories, so if I kept in contact w/BH, I'd not have any info that he didn't already know. This was initiated by OW....WH had gone NC for the most part. She had called & said for him to call next day. He never called & didn't answer her calls on his cell. She actually called his work & had him paged over intercom system. I do believe, he was being truthful about that & that he didn't intend on talking 2 her that day (as he'd told me about her wanting him 2 call & he agreed he wouldn't talk 2 her about it).

I'm approaching antiversary in Sept, but July had some questionable issues (like finding OW/WH @local park for OC's pickup after 1.5 hours when he was supposed to go to her house). DS9 & I were waiting on OC to come home, as DS was in the small aboveground pool waiting for OC to swim w/him. I called & called WH's cell, but no answer so I'd gotten worried after so long (it only takes speedDemon about 30-40 min roundtrip to OW's house). WH was @park w/his door open & OW standing inside it. She jumped in her car & sped off....WH followed me home & didn't come inside until way past 11pm (stayed in his truck for hours to avoid me). I'm afraid to tell WH that some of the issues I have lately, are due to things last year & not now.

I guess, it hurts so much that after so many years, he'd return to her bed (well, the one @roach motel anyway).

IWM: I'm sorry you are still getting trickle truth....I also think, I'll never know everything. I think there may have been OW @some point (he used to go out w/boys drinking a lot & I know his HR lady tried to kiss him & hold his hand @a restaurant while out w/others from work...she'd also asked him to go home w/her). I think he may be a sex addict. I'm not sure he knows how to love someone & associate "making love" with heartfelt desire to be with someone.

He said on D-day#3 & that weekend, that he never realized how much he loved me until I said I was filing for divorce. He said he realized that after almost 20 years together, that the house wouldn't be the same if he came home & I wasn't there. I don't know how much of this is bullsh#t or how much was him being afraid of being alone. I know OW would jump on the chance to live w/him...but, nobody can realize how difficult WH is to live with and how challenging it is to be the spouse of someone who is constantly ill. I don't think OW could stick-it-out like I have. OW only sees the romantic/sexy/horndog side of WH....not his weaknesses/temper/neediness.

As for our children, DS9 doesn't know. DS12 didn't know until after A#3. He's had sex education & I fully wanted him to know that what WH has done is unacceptable behavior, plus I wanted him to know why I was being so angry w/WH. I don't want my kids thinking I'm a total B#TCH for no reason. They heard WH crying on D-day & they needed to know why. They probably remember that WH was going to attempt suicide that day....they should know why. DS9 & OC8 are too young to understand. I think DS12 went into depression because of what I told him though OR because he'd thought we were divorcing. DS12 told me last week that they'd heard WH crying & crying, begging me to stay. I asked him what he thought about that. He said he didn't have an opinion really about everything, but that he knew his father was sorry for what he'd done, because the crying etc. DS9 said one day that he will NOT like OW when he grows up. I asked why & he had no real reason for it....only vague mumbling about OC. He'll have sex ED in 5th grade...I wonder wonder what he'll think about it then (he'll be in 4th this fall).

IWM, I'm sorry that DD knows about #4. I also told my DS that I thought WH was being faithful right now. I do also believe that

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

applies to WH. I guess, I'm always waiting on another A to be revealed. I do have a retainer for D w/county's best lawyer & have that card-2-play, if necessary (pretty expensive retainer nonrefundable $2500). WH knows I paid lawyer, so there's no question I was very serious this time about D. I had never uttered the D-word after the other As and I think it really surprised WH. I had told him after As to go live w/OW & even called her to say he's all yours. I had his stuff out, ready to pack also after one A (can't remember if it was #1 or #2).

IWM: it sounds like you are considering A of your own. Please don't stay married for kids & then betray yourself by having A. Don't let WH make you stoop to his level to get what you want from life. From what I've read in other posts, BS who become WS don't feel any better about themselves & even feel worse because now they've gone against their own morals (not really RA). They seem to say, they can't even look in the mirror w/out disgust in themselves. Talk to IC, post on SI, but don't seek the comfort of OP. You will regret it & if you kids find out, you will look like the badguy (as they don't know about WH's As, for the most part).

Thanks for everyone's support. I just need to vent sometimes & SI members either allow the venting or bring out the 2x4s :)

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:17 AM, June 30th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he ever done a timeline?

he's done many timelines...they ALLcontained lies and or ommissions....

the last itmeline he handed me i told him that he needed to make sure that it contained 100% honesty and that he was to proofread it because this was truly his last chance....of corse he blew it...totally ommitted #4...only that he had her number....

basically the bottom line is he only told me about the ones he was unsuccessful with...any successes he kept to himself...and #4 i was in his face somewhat again, quiety but in his face....he kept insisting that there was nothing, nothing and more nothing...then he blurted that it was just a handjob.....

i am sure that he has tried to get into any and every girl and or womens pants at any opportunity he had...

and as far as memory...that a total croc of shit for 2 reasons..he tried playing the memory card with ow#2 the 12 year lta.....he didn't remember if he ever fucked her....how stupid is he??? and the second reason is actually an observation...either he had sex with too many women to keep track of while married to me or he's lying...either senario has us back at square one......

repeat...if i have an affair..first off i would be completely discreet....there is no marriage to be faithful to....we are not in reconcilliation and i have never felt as though we were...one cannot reconcile with a liar.....and a liar is he.....i deserve some happiness...as it is i am putting my eventual single life on hold for my kids...this is not a marriage but a co-parent situation....right now one of my kids really needs his dad...my wh was a crappy dad to him and my ds has some issues...especially self-esteem ones....he is 15 years old and this is an age where he could go either way....he was the one i always worried about...i used to yell at my wh about the way he treated him, that he was prime pickings for a pedophile....

anyways, my kids will be walking in, i'll try to pick this up again later


(((((HUGS)))) to all


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

repeat....i wish i had words for you....trying to do the right thing for an oc, and your kids and it seems that you are alone in this quest...

it also seems as though your wh is also a liar...they kind of have to be to be able to pull it all off in the first place....the smart ones wake up and stop lying.....accept responsbility for what their actions have done and as dr phil would say ...man-up

please do not do guilt for you wh.....guilt is not a reason to stay with the man....the resentment will just grow and eventually turn toxic.....

uk girl...its the last day of june.....YAY...

and i will suggest he reads emptyone's profile.....isn't that hs wh...?and when i am done with this i will read myself again, i know i read it last week when i was reviewing all the posts i had missed, and then i was trying ot get to know all of you extraordinary women..right now my brain is malfunctiooing in memory....it feels so damned overloaded with everything i've learned about my wh's double life....

between that and the fact that he so DENSE...

hugs to all....

i couldn't believe how quiet it was in here over the weekend...i am hoping its because most everyone is having some kind of peace...or just a break for some peace of mind...

i'll check in again later.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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