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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DHAC,
Please find an IC asap. You sound so vulnerable, my heart aches for you.

Re his rules and codes about everything...F 'em.
The ONLY rules and codes that go now, are YOURS, ok?
You dont have to play acc to his rules. You set the rules, you play the game.

I fear he has lied to me for so long he can't or doesn't know what the truth is.

Thats probably closer to the mark than you realise. However, still no excuse for tripping up on events from immediate present.

Re OW - dont play into her need to play the lead in the drama. She is out - last week's garbage.
Btw, what did they talk about when she called him?


I sent you a pm re your son.
((((DHAC)))))

***

Miracle,
What do you and H hope to get out of the weekend retreat?

***

There were up to twenty a day and I’d see her, me, her, her, her, me and I’d wonder how the fuck he did it without messing up.

He called us both "Babe" so guess that made that easy.

***
Ukg,

My Dad (bless him) was always insistent that we did Mothering Sunday only and ignored Father’s Day. He said my Mum worked very hard and was available to everyone 365 days a year, the least we could do was give her one day of thanks

Your dad sounds like a real prince. How sweet of him!

***
BT,
I passed! Thanks for asking.
I am now allowed to interview a child, who has been abused/hurt,and that interview would be admissable in court as evidence, thus nullifying the need for the child her/himself to testify in court. Or something like that!
I am emotionally just drained out.
Re the anniversary - nothing to say. I got through it. It didnt exist for H...wonder what that means.

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 12:46 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YAAAAAYYYY Congrats LH2!!!!!

Great job on the exam. You just keep amazing me every day.

As far as the anni, I am sorry he did not at least acknowledge it and the pain it must bring you.

((((LH2))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Shirley.

Something odd happened today. When he picked me up from the station today, he casually told me that he he had been shopping for his garden (thats his new hobby now). I didnt know he was going out shopping (he is working from home today) and said so. He said he didnt know that he had to account for all his time. Errr ..actually you do. And thats what you have done in the past 2 years (am sure its in the R contract somewhere too).
So he asked me if I want to make a big deal of it and its not as if I have been so accessible lately anyway.
Oh. So thats what this was about. A PA way to show yet again that he is unhappy with my "distance".
As soon as I made that connection, I let it go. Instead of defending myself and then trying to show him how close I was really, I terminated the conversation.
I just do not have the energy for this.

ETA:
You know what annoyed me though. I reminded him to give the kids their hayfever medicine as I left v early. He forgot and told me that he would go into school to administer it. He forgot. When he remembered it was time for them to come home.
Forgets the girls medication, but remembers his garden.
Sheesh.

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 12:49 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he asked me if I want to make a big deal of it and its not as if I have been so accessible lately anyway.
Oh. So thats what this was about. A PA way to show yet again that he is unhappy with my "distance".

Sounds like you hit the nail on the head with this one. All of his old "tricks" aren't working and it is probably driving him batshit! Just keep doing what you need to do for yourself.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Shirley,
Have you resolved the F's day card dilemma?
Will the girls make their own or joint one?

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 12:52 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speeding in –
Hey LostH!! Well done!! Congratulations!!
Not surprised you came home drained. Have a pampering bath later.

As to the anni, maybe he felt he couldn’t really do anything, kind of damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. Just a thought. Have you asked him what the day meant to him? Now it’s passed, maybe he can say without anyone getting upset. I think you dealt with his getting hissy very well. Let it go. If he has nothing to bat against, there will be no point to it. You reminded him, wouldn’t be drawn into his game and yes, tough shit. Good on you, girl.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The girls are making him a card. I am doing nothing. I talked to him about it and he said, given what he has done, he really didn't expect anything. I told him that every card just made me so sad and he just thanked me for sharing it with him.

It is so very sad that I was so nice and caring to that "other" man who was so selfish and self-absorbed. I just can't find it in me to be caring to "this" man who is now so caring and loving.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks UKg.
I know I do go on about myself here..the thing is that there is noone IRL that I can brum (for the Americans that means boast)to..and I need to keep reminding myself that I am not a worthless waste of space, KWIM?
So thank you for allowing me to brum!

***

Shirley,
Why pressure yourself to feel different from what you feel?
Anyhow, I sort of think that its in nature to be caring anyway..look at the way you handled this card thing with your H - that sounds pretty darn caring to me!

Hey about starting a new Fathers Day tradition - for the ones who werent really fathering all these years?
How about on F's day, they show us what good fathers they really are!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - Congrats on your accomplishment. These children (and us) are so lucky to have you. And brum all you want. It's always good to hear about the good things that are happening in the lives of our friends here.
HS - I find shopping for cards for my H to be totally depressing no matter what the occasion. It perfectly natural for Father's Day that the girls are the ones doing this for him. I was out shopping for cards, found one for my son, my son-in-law and looked at a few dozen for my H and gave up. Best friend, nope. Love of my life, nope. Faithful partner, fuck no. So you just give up and don't worry about it. The only cards that work are the Between You and Me cards. I've had luck with those.
On another note, my sister is back in the hospital so I haven't been able to post much. It's been a little touch and go but I think she is finally coming around. This disease is a nightmare.
I don't know how she keeps fighting sometimes.
Any and all hugs appreciated.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:57 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how she keeps fighting sometimes

Cos she's a tough cookie like her sister.

((((((((FNF))))))))))

Sending you both buckets of healing white light, my Friend.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((FNF))))))))))

You and your sister are in my thoughts.

HS


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

congrats lh....brum away.....the expressions you brits have are so awesome...i feel like i am learning a new language....

hs...good going on the card....i always hated buying cards for my wh and especially his dysfunctinal family....i'm the type that has to "mean" what it says....and when you hate someone it gets almost impossible....this fathers day i already gave him the gift of staying in this house with his kids.....

the workshop that he and i are attending is definitely a self help thing.....i am and am not looking forward to it, not looking forward to be alone with him, bot looking forward to the 3 hour drive to get there or back, and the saturday night has nothing scheduled...and this place is a real nature place with nature people...the evening class that they have on that sat night is in kirtan..which is a musical chanting...so so so not me....thats a bit over the top for me...i will bring my xanax, god bless that drug, even though i only take a 1/2 a pill, it does take the edge off...however if the idiot starts in the edge will disappear.....i truly don't know how much more of his stupid insistance that he's told "all there is" i can take....

pfm when you read this tonite....i do not believe you now, nor will i ever believe you so please do us both a favor and shut up...


fnf...my prayers for your sister....


ukgirl...some of what you wrote of sounds so much like my wh.....there are so many similarities between these men....there definite differences ....but too many similarities.....

i do not get how they all justified their actions for so long....their moral compass and value systems are just non-existant.....

i will pop in again later....got to go do dinner....i may post alot tonite and tomorrow morn, it depends on how worked up my nerves get....

thank you all for once again just being there....

btw...dhac...how is your son?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
didnthaveaclue
♀ New Member
Member # 23327
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam,

My son is getting ready to go on a holiday with his girlfreind. They leave Monday which I think will be really good for him. The little girl's funeral was yesterday and he didn't want to go. He didn;t know her he was just a good samaritan driving by, stuck in traffic and saw the car rolling and reacted. I am so very proud of him. He does not want to talk so I have told him I am here but will not ask him again if he is ok, but if he wants to talk let me know. I have taken on board the idea of counselling and I will approach him again when he returns.

It may be silly but I want to know if he gave her that perfume and how can't he remember that?

I love technology when I went to visit him at Easter I had a couple of drinks and got back to the house and sent the OW an email. Luckily the email didn't go thank goodness. It is amazing the things one can get up to when you have a couple of drinks. I now do not turm the computer on if I have had a couple.

I will not contact OW again I just needed someone in my position to confirm that she isn't worth worrying about.

When she called all he said was I told you not to call me now I am going to have to tell my wife. She is going to be so upset. She said that she missed him and he said that he missed her too and I asked him why he said that and his answer was I thought she wanted to hear that and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. What about mine!

When I met her she asked why my husband was so scared of me? She said all he worried about with that call was that I would be so upset and he had to get off the phone with her. The call lasted 2 minutes.

Miracle my WH did not have her phone number in his phone and had to punch it every time too. He only called her on her mobile if he could call her right back as he could never remember that number just her home one. Your WH can do that because in my own husbands words 'he was a devious bas***d'

LH2 you must be an amazing person to have all this going on in your life but are still there for others. To keep a child out of court is a wonderful thing. Well done.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2009
didnthaveaclue
♀ New Member
Member # 23327
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam,

My son is getting ready to go on a holiday with his girlfreind. They leave Monday which I think will be really good for him. The little girl's funeral was yesterday and he didn't want to go. He didn;t know her he was just a good samaritan driving by, stuck in traffic and saw the car rolling and reacted. I am so very proud of him. He does not want to talk so I have told him I am here but will not ask him again if he is ok, but if he wants to talk let me know. I have taken on board the idea of counselling and I will approach him again when he returns.

It may be silly but I want to know if he gave her that perfume and how can't he remember that?

I love technology when I went to visit him at Easter I had a couple of drinks and got back to the house and sent the OW an email. Luckily the email didn't go thank goodness. It is amazing the things one can get up to when you have a couple of drinks. I now do not turm the computer on if I have had a couple.

I will not contact OW again I just needed someone in my position to confirm that she isn't worth worrying about.

When she called all he said was I told you not to call me now I am going to have to tell my wife. She is going to be so upset. She said that she missed him and he said that he missed her too and I asked him why he said that and his answer was I thought she wanted to hear that and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. What about mine!

When I met her she asked why my husband was so scared of me? She said all he worried about with that call was that I would be so upset and he had to get off the phone with her. The call lasted 2 minutes.

Miracle my WH did not have her phone number in his phone and had to punch it every time too. He only called her on her mobile if he could call her right back as he could never remember that number just her home one. Your WH can do that because in my own husbands words 'he was a devious bas***d'

LH2 you must be an amazing person to have all this going on in your life but are still there for others. To keep a child out of court is a wonderful thing. Well done.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I met her she asked why my husband was so scared of me? She said all he worried about with that call was that I would be so upset and he had to get off the phone with her. The call lasted 2 minutes

dhac: this is good, whether he was scared or worried its good....because it means that you matter.....everything except for him telling her he missed her was good.....that part is really really bad....i am so sorry dhac....

how old is your son,he drives and is going away with his girl....he may be too old to force in to counseling, and that not good....you at least need to set the example, plus i think you will benefit from it greatly...

technology is both wonderful and very trecherous.....the technology that is in existance today makes cheating so damned easy.....too easy.....it ust goes to show you that anything in the wrong hands is no good....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dhac...just went back and reviewed you previous posts, your son is 19.....which means you cannot force him into therapy...does he do guilt?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
didnthaveaclue
♀ New Member
Member # 23327
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwan,

I am a little worried about using guilt to get him into therapy but I do truly think he would benefit from it as he keeps everything bottled up.

I could try guilt as he is very sensitive, but mach at the same time....I am coping. But deep down he is not.

He is out right now I will ask him when he gets home.

He wants to tell people as I said before he feels it is a monkey on his back but he is afraid that they will approach me and upset me with their concern. What can I say to reassure him that he needs to do what is best for him and that I am a big girl now and can cope.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dhac...just keep telling him that you can and will handle it, keep reassuring him, perhaps you can come up with a list of people together and tell these people together, kind of like building a team, a support team for both of you....and is that way you know who knows and how they were told, and how much info they were told....and your wh would also need to know the how much info part so that he does not divulge more info by accident to any of these people...

if he wants to tell any of his friends, that one he would have to do on his own, and you could encourage him to just let you know the particulars....that was what i had to do with my dd16....so far my dd has said nothing to anyone, including the adults in our life who know....the only person she is talking to is me, and she too is not doin too mcu talking, she is though handling herself unbelievable well, she is mad at him on a deep level, but she is dealing with him on a day to day basis, and as she says as long as he keeps his big mouth shut, it will be fine...ironic to me that he has this big mouth, always had and yet he kept such deep, dark secrets for more then 30 years....just goes to show you that you really don't know some people, no matter how long you know them, you really don't know them.....you know their habits, their quirks, their idiosyncrisies, their likes and dislikes, but you don't know who they are inside, their make-up, their deepest desires, fears, needs and what they have chosen to keep hidden.

i digress, and ramble...sorry....

back to your son....find yourself a counseler asap too, and tell him you are going and would like to go togther...maybe try the angle of a family counseler, which may be a good start for you as well, and from their the family counseler can recommend a private one, if necessary......

good luck with all this dhac...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh FNF, I’m sorry to hear about your sister again. She has your strength and support to help her. Keeping you in my thoughts. Big hugs for you and her. ((((((((FNF))))))))

Miracle, I know it will be difficult, but try to approach the weekend with a positive mind. You are going to be there as much for yourself as for your marriage. This is a chance to just sit quietly and say nothing if that’s how you feel. Take this as a chance for your own healing, it is not a time to dread being alone with your H. Absorb all the information, relax and forget about what you might or might not do tomorrow night. Take a book or something else for that evening. Plan a long bath with your i-pod. I’m sure you will be fine.

I too have had the “there is nothing more to tell” stuff. In the end, I just said that I neither believe nor disbelieve anything he says. I just knew the only person I could be true to, trust and rely on was me. That’s it, really. Most of the lies he told were stupid ones anyway. Esp in comparison to the fucking great whopper of the affair. And that she was “only” an “on-off gf”. He told me that even after dday. When I found out they had been together for over 4yrs and engaged, it was “but it didn’t mean anything, I wasn’t going to marry her”……. So why did the fuckwit ask her again this time around? >>>>>shaking my head<<<<<

DHaC, I read about the little girl and it must have been a truly shocking experience for him. I hope he stays alert to any repercussion that may happen to him, it could come out over the months or even years. As to wanting to tell people about the affair, this is an indication that he should be in therapy, by talking to the counsellor, he will be purging his thoughts. It will help. My boys don’t know, if any of them have an idea, they’ve not said anything. But I will have to tell them at some point. I do not want them going into a committed relationship without having a talk of the devastation infidelity can cause. I found out something recently. Soon after dday, I noticed horizontal indentations across my fingernails. Apparently, this often happens to people who’ve had heart attacks. My H literally broke my heart. THAT’S how bad it can be. I dread the day, but I will do it.

The memory of the WS: he may not remember about the perfume. To him, it wasn’t important. In the same way as what he said to her wasn’t important. You’d be amazed at how common it is to hear the phrase “I said it b/c it was what she wanted to hear”. FWH didn’t want to upset MOW either, even after dday. He was STILL telling her it would all be alright, things would work out, etc, two months after dday. Oh, and yes, he missed her. How stupid was that??!?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF, sending out prayers for your sister and all of you who love her.

Lost, congrats on the test.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
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