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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 10th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, I’m sorry I didn’t come back to you on your post to me. Your words help to take the image of “them” and their “relationship” away from the romantic ideal I have of it. I have more depth of character than I give myself credit for and I suppose a lot of her was about the loud superficiality of her love. As the saying goes, empty vessels make the loudest noise. And she certainly did that! I don’t doubt that she did (maybe still does) love my H, her ex-fiance, as her life long love. But perhaps she too recognised that the affair happened because she was unhappy within her marriage. I do believe my H had the affair because a little bit of him was still in love with her and he just wanted to “know”. He is a “hopeless” romantic, no doubt about that. The result meant he was chasing the fairy tale and she was both the princess in the tower and his first love rolled into one. But the happy ever after ends with the fairy tale wedding, not going to deal with the dog crap in the garden, the leaking shower, the laundry, the bills to be paid, the parents evenings. It was the mundane and his teenage kids and his overly efficient wife he was escaping from.

Bringing it down to the truth, I have to accept that the affair was going to happen if and when he found her again. I just never knew it beforehand or even saw it as a risk because no one even hinted at the length and depth of the relationship – I didn’t even know he had been engaged! Forewarned would have been forearmed to a degree. But the affair was conducted away from home and work, she was nothing to do with anyone connected with him, including other old school friends, she never came to my home, she was hidden under business nights away, or golf, his phone was also his work phone and he never kept her number in his contact list, he told no one about her or the affair. No one. I honestly do not know how I could have found out about her as long as she was willing to keep the secret too. If she had kept her side of the unspoken “agreement” that they would not leave their respective spouses, it would still be going on today. And that is something I am still shaking my head at in sorrow and disbelief. I never knew him at all.

But I guess that goes for most of us in here. the very fact that we are all in the LTA corner means that we had spouses who were living their lies so successfully that they could carry on for years. So, to take myself to task, I have to work on ME and quit looking fix him. I have always looked after everyone else first, leaving me till last or not at all. And it feels odd, because I sometimes wonder just who I am!

Sighing and rambling my way out. Think I’ll have a glass of wine. Anyone want to join me?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 10th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK,

I'm glad you see who is the real deal here. My bet is that she did her very manipulative best to try to frame everything she told you to make it look like the romance of the century -- without sounding like she was openly of course. It wasn't. Whatever the hell it was couldn't hold either of them. She had gotten sick of it and wanted something real, and it sounds like he didn't want either what they had or what something real. He wanted you.

Now you get to decide what you want.

I feel very sorry for her husband to be stuck with her, although from what you say about his reaction to the whole thing, he sounds incredibly passionless.

But anyway, I would say to definitely focus on yourself. You are a fabulous woman and gorgeous. Go back to IC and do that work on yourself. Find something in the world that really ignites your passion and make that part of your life, too. You're in almost the same place I am vis-a-vis your kids -- it won't be too many years before they are out of the house for good. Now's the time to gear up for the next phase.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 10th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey tribe...suitey posted in general and she's having a really really hard time...she's posted a goodbye...i am very worried about her!!!

suitey if u check in here please know that YOU MATTER

we care, we will listen and we are here.....please do not leave us like this......


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's deleted nearly all of her recent posts. I've sent her a pm. Hopefully, she's just taking a break, but there's nothing anyone can do if no one knows her IRL and if she deletes her posts. I just hope she's okay.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me too ukgirl....

i'm hoping that when she deleted them that she at the very least read the posts from all of us...

i also pm'd her...she did not read her pm's so far

its such a damned injustice what infidelity does to a person.......put that together with the incessant lying that the wayward commits is just criminal......


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a pm from her saying she was leaving. That she really couldn't find the right place here. I pm'd her back telling her that I think a lot of us go through times when we feel so alone. I didn't see the post in general or recon until after. I hope she is okay.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suitey- if you are lurking, there were some times I felt like you do about SI. I left and came back, but looking back in hindsight I think it was part of the deep depression of finding out about the LTA that made me *feel* so alone and isolated. There really ARE people here who care. I hope you are getting into individual counseling- sometimes SI is just not enough to get through this kind of trauma. It wasn't for me, anyway.

forgiveness:
The question was HOW did I know when I had forgiven my H?

Such a deep question, but I will try to answer my best. I have to say also that I come from a deep faith and Christian perspective on this issue.

In order to know whether I had forgiven my husband for the LTA, I had to understand what forgiveness is not:
In my opinion:
*Forgiveness is NOT something you one can earn. Trust has to be earned back, not forgiveness.
*Forgiveness is NOT forgetting
*Forgiveness does NOT equate with a reconciliation or continuiing a relationship with someone.
*Forgiveness does not erase the hurt and pain, nor quell the anger
*Forgiveness is not always a "one-time" deal- I found (and the Bible talks about) having to repeat the steps of forgiveness
*Forgiveness is not something that the person "deserves"
*Forgiveness does not restore you back to "how things were before"

With these things in mind, it took me a very, very long time to forgive my husband for the LTA. Probably at least a year and half out from dday. My own brokeness, bitterness, hurt, depression were so overwhelming that I simply was unable to make this step. I wanted to punish my husband. I wished bad things upon him. I wanted to get even. I sat in judgment of him- he did something so very horrible, to me. I dwelled in my own anger towards him, but it was more than anger. My inability to move forward stood in the way of my forgiving my husband. I also realized I had a deep fear that if I forgave my husband that he would think that his behavior was OK.

When I started to heal, I also began to want to forgive my H. To forgive someone means making a conscious choice to do so. I decided that I wanted to try, because i felt it was holding me back from my own recovery-nothing to do with HIM. How did I know I had forgiven him? After multiple steps of forgiving, then back-tracking, forgiving, then back-tracking, I finally came to a peace within myself that I hadn't had before. I stopped wishing bad things upon him. I (mostly) stopped sitting in judgment of him.... in my faith, God will do that. I also began to be able to see him as human, rather than this horrible monster.

Now, he was working on himself and being accountable and earning back trust during this 3 1/2 year period. But I forgave him much earlier than I did begin to trust him.

And I have to say that on my second dday with discovery this year of the two-week online A, I was able to forgive my husband instantly. I think because after going through the LTA aftermath, I am a stronger person and also I did not want the hate to eat at me and affect my children like it did before. This time around I did not fall apart- and H is back to ground zero in the trust department. Just like after the LTA dday, he is showing me practically his every move. I had lightened up on checking on him after the first couple of years because he had earned that trust- he broke it again and this time if he does not really work to fix himself than I may consider leaving. But I have young kids whose lives I don't want to see destroyed by their father's dysfunction, and so I have every incentive to not only forgive him this time, but to support him getting himself better. His IC is holding him accountable and I am seeing steps towards growth, but again HOW I am dealing with him now is so much healthier than last time becauseI forgave him instantly and am not filled with the hate that I had after the LTA.

So, I don't know if that answers the questions or helps anyone but this is my most candid and honest answer to this question.

I just love the people on this Board- the LTA TRIBE are amongst the strongest women that I know.

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suitey - hoping you know that we on SI really do care about you and each other. It may not always feel that way but those of us connected here in the LTA forum, really do lean on one another since we are our own unique group of people struggling to recover from a greater trauma than those whose S' only had a ONS or STA. So, if you're lurking, please don't believe we don't care. Even if you just read (many of us do that from time to time) it will help to see what others are going through and to hear the support and advice of the many caring people here. (((((((Suitey))))))
HB - Wonderful post on forgiveness. It is such a freeing feeling to let go of all of that hurt and anger and yes, hatred. I don't know if you have been able to forgive the OW too. I am not there and really don't worry too much about that even though my faith gives me reason to worry about that from time to time.
I guess I just hope its ok to get to the point where I don't feel the anger and hatred toward her that I do when I let myself think of what she did to me. If you have any advice in this area, I sure would appreciate hearing from you, even if you want to PM me.
Sounds like you and your H are doing well and that he is working hard to regain your trust. Way to go!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:41 PM, June 11th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB - Thank you for that. I had several small epiphanies over the last few days and this supported them. First, I am not "ready" yet. I looked up the five stages of grief yesterday and realized I am "cycling" between anger depression and acceptance. I guess this is very common. As one gets near to acceptance, the anger can flash back and then *bam* back into depression. This is when SI and the tribe is so huge. I come on here and spill my heart out and you guys pick me up and put me back on my feet. Thank you so much for that. <happy> <happy>

Secondly, I read amazing posts like this from you and I see wonderful people who have found the way through and are willing to wade back in here and feel the pain in order to help us find our way through. And for that I thank you. <happy> <happy>

Finally, I need to look deeper into myself and understand what is holding me back. Why is it that when I get close to acceptance I retreat? More work to do...

However, if you do want to share how to get over the vitriolic hate for the OW please do. I spend waaaaaaayyyyy too much time thinking about them still. I know it is not healthy as can literally feel my pulse accelerate the instant they come into my thoughts.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS - I think one of the things that helped me get to the point of acceptance was really believing that I was going to be ok whether I stayed with him or whether I left. I knew that I didn't want my M to end but I also knew that if I had to leave for whatever reason, I would survive! I have a huge support system, wonderful children and great family and friends. Somehow knowing that I didn't have to stay if I didn't want to, or couldn't live with what my H did to me and to us, freed me from any fear I might have had about being on my own, alone - ugh such an awful thought for me. Once I knew that my choice was based on solid ground, not on fear or false beliefs, I allowed myself the freedom to make that choice knowing full well that I would be strong enough to leave if I discovered that I had made the wrong choice. Does any of this make sense???
For me, fear of being alone was a huge factor in initially deciding to stay. Once the fear was gone, it cleared the way for me to think my situation through. As long as I could see my H making very significant changes and felt his remorse daily, it seemed only right for me to give this M a second chance and to do that I knew I had to let go of the past. NOT AN EASY THING TO DO.
I do think fear is one roadblock to acceptance. Whether that fear is the fear of being alone, or the fear that we are going to be duped again, or any of the multiple fears we struggle with during this process, until we can work through those fears I don't believe it is possible to reach the acceptance phase IMHO anyway.
Maybe each of us has to first figure out what that roadblock might be before finally reaching acceptance but I can assure you that once you do get there you will experience so much peace within. It is a process, another annoying word, but you are doing great and so is EO. Keep the faith! You're getting there - I just know it!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a happier note - MY DIL IS IN LABOR - I AM BEYOND EXCITED!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY DIL IS IN LABOR - I AM BEYOND EXCITED!

Ooooooohhh, babies!!!! I love the baby smell. The little baby fingers and toes. Keep us posted!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her contractions are 5 to 8 minutes apart and I am so far away. It's killing me.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so far away. It's killing me.

Netjets.com....just sayin'


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wouldn't I just love to. Thank heavens I'm already booked but I'll have to wait a couple of weeks. In the old days I would have just flown over tomorrow. Miss those days!
UKG and LH - don't forget - we've set the date!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,
Thank you for that. I am going to have read that a few more times though.

***

Why is it that when I get close to acceptance I retreat? More work to do...

Me too.

I know it is not healthy as can literally feel my pulse accelerate the instant they come into my thoughts
.
Shirley, EMDR has helped me quite abit in this. Think your IC might consider?

***

MY DIL IS IN LABOR - I AM BEYOND EXCITED!

Yippee!!!!
I cant imagine your excitement..how thrilling. Seeing as I am much closer (geographically ) to her, I am sending her and baby loads of good wishes.
And what a beautiful day to be born on..the weather is lovely!

And you had better believe we havent forgotten your trip. Brooke4 might be joining us too.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS - sent you a PM - hope you're still on.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you had better believe we havent forgotten your trip. Brooke4 might be joining us too.

Okay, that's it <stomping foot>. How come you have to do this when I can't come <<whining>>? No fair, I wanna be there tooooooooooo.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, HS, I REALLY WANT YOU TO COME TOO!!!!!!!!! We'd have such a blast. I had no choice with my son's graduation on the 3rd. Come on, tell your mom you'll do Labor Day!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:57 PM, June 11th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe it or not we only have TWO weeks all summer when the kids don't have a commitment (don't ask ). That is one of them and we are going to the Cape to see my mom and hang on the beach. My mom, who I have mentioned is incredible and awesome, has even said it would be okay for EO to come so we will be going as a family. Should be, um, interesting!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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