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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LH2)))))

Thinking of you and your baby in heaven.

UKG - I read your post in general but thought I would respond here. Before dday(s) I used to do everything for H - shopping, laundry, dry cleaning, making appts, etc. I stopped completely. As Brooke said, I was FURIOUS that he had come home from meeting with those skanks with the scent of their sex on his boxers and put them in the wash for me to take care of!!!

So, now, mr. executive business man does his own laundry. I told him I would never do it again. Period. Final answer.

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up and fast. Maybe this is a test for you, IDK, but it is selfish and immature (especially if he knows it triggers you). I would just let it go. I seriously doubt he will walk around in rags and if he can get through college, he can figure out how to buy a suit.

Brooke - see I kinda agree with WAL post and not as a PA response but because I am starting to believe that EO's lifetime of deceipt has killed something in me. Everything is "flat" now. I take little joy out of most of life even when I really, really try. My kids are the only thing that brings even the smallest smile to me and not as often as it should.

Is there anyone on this site that has been through this and made it out whole? I would love to ask them/pm them how. I am not dealing with an LTA, I am dealing with someone who was never ever faithful, who lied to me our entire marriage, who subjected me to what I now consider abuse by making me feel like *I* wasn't doing enough while he was fucking around.

Yes, he is remorseful now. Yes, he is working on himself now. But, I am not sure I can even feel anything for him other than as a co-parent. Crap, Crap, Crap. I hate these really down days. It is a beautiful day here. There is a fair in town. He is there with the kids and I had to come home because tears just kept welling up in my eyes. These were the days I used to treasure and now they make me feel so sad. They make me feel like so much has been lost and for what?

I know I am rambling but I have to get this out. Can anyone tell me of someone here who has a story like mine, as bad, as thorough and who is happily reconciled?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((HS))))))) - I wish I knew what to say to help ease your pain right now. One thought that comes to mind is that you are still grieving and from my own experience I can tell you that the hardest stage to reach is that of acceptance. Afterall, how can we truly accept what has been done to us. It is so overwhelming - the extent of damage, the lies, the cruel neglect.
I know that my H's A definitely lasted at least 8 years, that's what he admits to. I also know that his partner told me not to believe this - that he is sure it was much longer. And he would know - he worked with them for years. That idea is always in the back of my mind. But I somehow did come to some semblance of acceptance because I knew I could not live indefinitely in a state of limbo (for lack of a better word). It has taken 3 + years to get to that point, and I know I will NEVER understand how anyone can be so self-absorbed, so devoid of concern for their children and their spouse, but I also know that I wanted to move past the worst of the pain.
Life can be so unfair. I was thinking of how both LH and HB have lost babies. It breaks your heart. Why does something so awful have to happen? I can't imagine how long it must take before you even want to try to live again. (I hope this is ok and that I'm not upsetting either of you - my sympathies are and always will be with you both.)
But in many difficult situations people do ultimately come to a point of acceptance and you will too. I hope you have the support of others IRL but you do know that you have all of our support and concern.
((((((((((HS))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
brooke4
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Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


((HS))

I think forgivenotforget has put it beautifully. You know, I keep thinking about the families of those people on the Air France flight. We lost a friend with a young family on 9/11. The human ability to rebound is astonishing and you will.

I have to think that part of what's going on with you is that not only was the length and breadth of EO's deception astonishing, the way you have uncovered it has been extremely drawn out. If you think about it these journals are almost like another d-day in that they're throwing you right back into the thick of it yet again. Of course you feel like you can't get out from under it.

But you have to *believe* that you will eventually. I can tell from your posts that you will. And that's kind of what I was saying about WAL's post- we all owe it to ourselves to believe that we can have more than that.

It will get better, I promise. Have you thought about going back to IC at all?


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1481 | Registered: Feb 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - Thanks for your kind words (especially when I know you don't like to post on weekends). It feels a lot like grieving. Just a constant sadness. I look at the world differently. I have less/no hope about things in general. I hear someone talking about celebrating a birth, a marriage, an anniversary and I just feel so cheated.

I also feel like a man crossing the desert with the contant mirage on the horizon dying for water. "One day at a time" "Make it through the first year" "It take 2-5 years" "No acceptance until 3 years" "I still am hurting at 4 years" and on and on and on. When does the pain stop and someone gives me some water? I want to feel the cool, luscious quench of love on my soul.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
brooke4
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Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



I donít think I am being P/A. I am waiting for FWH to be active. The business of not going shopping with him Ė why shouldnít he learn to go shopping for himself? He has not booked a holiday for us (turns out that used to be my job, just didnít realise it). And I mean a proper holiday. Before DS1,2&3 go off at the end of the summer. The taking care of his health and weight. I wonít nag him to see the doc, what to do about his diet, what to do about his bad back Ė Iíve had it with all that. He should do it. I've fixed his skin and scalp problems, given him exercise sheets for his back, given him massages until he fell asleep, got him to go to the chiropractor and the chiropodist, buying and making healthy food, etc, etc. I do realise that I was taking care of him and he hasnít really taken care of me in the same way. Maybe he thinks that by earning the money and me being the SAHW&M has given him that right. I dunno. Am I suggesting he is the one being P/A?

I don't think you're being PA. I think you're struggling mightily with a miserable situation. I know things aren't perfect (your posts sometimes make me want to put a boot up your H's backside), but you're pressing for better.

And, yes, I think your H should grow the fuck up and take responsibility. Should I tell him that ?


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1481 | Registered: Feb 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When does the pain stop and someone gives me some water? I want to feel the cool, luscious quench of love on my soul.

I found over these past few years that wherever or whenever I could, I took the love I was offered from my children, my grandson, my sister and yes, even my mom, and drank it up as best as I could and it did help. They were the ones, and many on here too, who made me believe that it would get better. Drink up the love and joy of your children. I know this is hard when you are feeling so much pain but the innocence and excitement of the young can be so refreshing. I would be so down and all I had to do was spend a morning with my grandson and look at his beautiful smile or hear his laughter and know that life was worth living. I saw such hope through his untainted eyes.
Some of my very first true belly laughs came when I spent time with him. Look for those people who give you these moments and try to let yourself feel their joy. It really does help.
Also, I wholeheartedly agree with Brooke that reading these journals must feel somewhat like another d-day. Do you think this might be so? I know you might not be ready to hear this and maybe this isn't for everyone, but sometimes just letting our FWH's comfort us is the very thing to help us through these times. I know EO wants to be there for you. If you think you can, let him be there for you now. You need a good strong set of arms around you now.
(((((((((((HS))))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need a good strong set of arms around you now.

I do. I desperately do. But I want them to be the arms of someone who hasn't hurt me so badly. I want them to be the arms of someone who was ALWAYS there for me. Someone who was looking out for me not trying to destroy me. I cannot accept it from him now.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
brooke4
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Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm backing up FNF here. I think what she just said is extremely perceptive.

You're not ready to let go of the past. How could you be? But you can let EO hold you up a bit right now without sacrificing any self-respect. The unfortunate fact is that he can't change the past but he is working pretty hard to change the present and the future. It doesn't mean that the past doesn't exist but it might help you (as in you, not you as a couple) to let yourself look ahead at the same time you're trying to make sense of what's behind.

You know, FNF's words reminded me that I realized at about the point I was trying to get myself to let go of the defenses a little that I had never, in all those years of marriage, really let myself lean on my H, although I don't think I'd ever acknowledged that to myself. And he was too much of a self-centered fuckwad to have noticed. Even before the A self-reliance was a way of life for me.

((HS))


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1481 | Registered: Feb 2007
brooke4
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Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Oops, posting at the same time.

I agree, that's the ideal, but he wasn't that person, although I'm sure he wishes he was as much as you do. There's just no changing it. I can see all the million reasons it's hard to accept it from him now, particularly having been in a similar place. But what do you gain from not trying?


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1481 | Registered: Feb 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, June 6th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First... Thankyou for being here this weekend. I'm so glad to find messages here.

I'm thinking of LH2's baby in heaven as I prepare food & snacks for dd's baby shower tomorrow (with the help of FWH who's doing the yard work as we hope to be outside). It feels like I've stepped back in time before his A! We are working together - with a common goal - we are the happy couple looking forward to a 2nd grandson.

But this doesn't stop me from wondering how we got to this place - where no matter what I'm doing I have that voice in the back of my mind asking "Why? How could he? with her of all people? and on and on...

I'm thinking of birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals, as well as letters, journals, shopping trips, and laundry (a necessary evil and reminder)... and my LTA sisters... sending good vibes to all of you and hoping that they come back to me.

HS: Your post at 2:14p mirrors my thoughts!

FnF & Brooke: As usual your words of wisdom and comfort let me know I'm not alone - making me thankful for this club that none of would choose to belong to.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart2
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Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, June 7th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My homeopath commented yesterday that I must think of DS2 every day....and I informed her that actually I dont. For that first year, he was on my mind ALL the time; I would feel him move in my tummy and then realise that he wasnt there anymore; I would wake up in the night and hear him crying for me and ache with wanting to hold him; I hated my body because everything there reminded me of how I failed...the breasts with wasted milk, the c/s scar and stretch marks with nothing to show for it.
When I fell pg with DD 2 years later, I was terrified the whole time that it was going to happen again. And the back of mind constantly was DS#2.

And as time went on, I thought of him less and less. Both the girls were born and I bathed in their presence, and DS#1 was a constant joy. DS#2 was not forgotten but he was no longer a part of my everyday daily living. And here I am 11 years later...no I dont think about him every day or every week; I dont burst into tears when I do; I am still able to love and care for my other children..in fact I cherish them more knowing how fragile my grip on them is.

Whilst I am in no way equating losing my baby to the loss of my M...I hope that in some ways, recovering from the LTA will be similar. That days and weeks will pass and I am not reminded; that I will be able to love and care again properly, that I wont break down everytime I am reminded, KWIM?

HB,

To this day, I recognize him as the father, but when it comes to the grief I really feel that it is "mine" - that probably sounds crazy. But just admitting the reality of it

You know before, DS#2 was all mine. I alone grieved him. Apart from my mum, nobody else appeared to remember him. There were times when I would remind H that it was DS's bday and he would say, "Is it?" and I would wonder how could he forget?
This year was different. Just hearing his name being said aloud so many times this weekend by the kiddos was so weird. Sharing him too was weird. They wrote him little notes and attached them to the balloons. I think this is definetly going to become a family ritual! We watched them until they disappeared and it was a "nice" sadness. H even participated.
Sharing him after all these years was weird (that word again!) but so affirming.

***

LostSuol,
I hope you get good weather and enjoy the day with H and DD. Whenever these good times come, we should grab them and revel in every moment.

***
((((((Shirley))))))

Both Brooke and Fnf have given you some good support. But if you feel like you really cant accept H right now, can you spend some time with your mother/sisters? I know you are close to them and that they have been very supportive.

And re someone who has fully R'd after a M based on deception... How about our BT?

****
HB,
Question:
How did you know that you had forgiven your H for his LTA?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, June 7th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, please remember that every time we have more information, the setback is like a slap in the face from the FWS. You are coming up for two years in August. I had two years of finding out stuff that FWH never thought I would, finishing with a second meeting with MOWís BH two weeks shy of our second antiversary. Life became hell on wheels, careering out of control at times, through a shifting, desolate landscape I didn't recognise. A rollercoaster would be a fun ride in comparison. This time last year, I truly thought I was going mad, heading for a breakdown, heading for suicide even. I was laughing hysterically inside at myself and the ludicrous situation I was in. Who the fuck was I married to? A bare-faced liar who continued to lie and tell me everything was going to be alright and that the affair meant nothing to him; that he made a ďmistakeĒ because of the black hole he was in (yeh, not a bad way to make himself feel better though). And I find out over time that his woman had always been there, lurking in his heart. I find a man I never knew at all. A man who actually didnít care.

The whole thing, this life, existence, just seemed so fucking pointless. Like most though, I hung on to what was good in my life. The one thing that made me say in spite of this crap FWH dumped and continued to dump on me, the boys were shining stars in my otherwise blank world. I donít know when the turning point was, exactly. I knew I had to keep going because the older two were on the other side of the world and I had a responsibility to them to just be here. The thought of what it would do to them kept me this side of sanity. By the time they came home in the September, it had somehow passed. I think I walked through life in a haze, just waiting for the pain to stop. And when it didnít, I just recognised it was going to just be there every morning. Like the last words in the song: ďmight as well get use to you hanging around, good morning heartache, sit downĒ. Eventually, it faded to a dull ache, which I could manage.

I donít know what else to say to help you. FNF has said it all so eloquently already. Please take her words to heart and know that she is right in saying let him be there for you now. He can help you if you let him. And he is learning so much about the man that he was which is helping him to become the man you thought he was and he wants to be. So let him. And when itís all too much, come here and let us hold you.
((((((((((HS))))))))))

LostH, Iím glad you could share the day with your kids. I think it was important for them to know about DS and how he fits into your lives. And H came too! I hope he recognised just how much this means to you. Well done!

Lostsuol, Hope the day goes well for you. Like LH said, revel in the good times and make sure you enjoy every moment. You deserve it.

How did you know that you had forgiven your H for his LTA?

Iím interested to know that too, HB. I canít get to even thinking about forgiving him, even though I know I should be doing it for me so that I can make that first step of moving on. I think I have to get to the point of acceptance first, and I havenít got there either!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:20 AM, June 7th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 7th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it's ok that I make an attempt to answer the question on forgiveness because I think it ties in with what HS is struggling with.
First I'd like to say that I felt very much like HS in wanting someone I trusted and loved and who I knew would wrap his arms around me and make me feel safe. That person is my oldest brother. My father has been dead for over 10 years and my brother has taken his role in our family. His is so tender and caring and I have always known he would protect me to the nth degree. When I had my second d-day, I was beyond devastated and my sister kept telling me that I needed to tell my brother. I couldn't. As much as I needed him I knew he would never be able to forgive my H and that if I decided to stay, it would make their relationship very strained. It was a very tough choice.
So I decided to let my H be the one to hold me when I grieved, wept violently, sobbed till there were no tears left to cry. And you know what. It was the best decision for me because when I would finally look up at him, I could see how deeply affected he was. I could see that he knew that he had destroyed me, that he had brought me to my knees and that it killed him to know that he had done this to me. He was devastated to know that his actions created so much heartbreak. I guess this was when I began to feel the first pangs of forgiveness. I could see he wasn't the coldhearted, no-good bastard that I believed him to be on d-day. Somehow, I can't imagine how, he was able to lie to himself and believe that I wouldn't get hurt. Comforting me and seeing my devastation he knew how successfully he had lied to himself and I could see the deepest regret in his eyes. He held me and never let me go until I told him it was ok. He told me every night how sorry he was. He told me how it broke his heart to know that he was the one who stole my joy. He was grieving with me and this broke the ice that had formed in my heart. Forgiveness came easily after that.
So, this is why I think when HS is ready, she should try to let EO be that man for her.
Yes, we want someone who has not hurt us but you know, they are the ones that broke us, why shouldn't they be the ones who help us come back to life?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
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Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 7th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH did that for me too. But I think his grief came from not only witnessing my complete breakdown in front of him, my hysterical grief that my whole life had been shattered, but also from me having to know in the first place. He never intended for me to find out and was totally shocked, surprised and devastated by my extreme reaction. All he could do was hold me until I stopped from sheer exhaustion.

Just how he thought the affair would finish, well, I donít think he even thought of that Ė he was selfishly living in the now with no thought to the consequences in his dogged pursuit of MOW, never letting her finish it either. And that, in the end, in order for the end to come about, he had to bring it out in the open and tell me Ė before she did. So, once again, it was about his selfishness and his need to finally finish the affair that brought me to my knees. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to live with a man who only ever thought about what he wanted right now, this minute, and the image of the perfect happy family he wanted to portray to all and sundry.

Leastways, thatís where I am at the moment.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 7th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have allowed myself to live with a man who only ever thought about what he wanted right now, this minute, and the image of the perfect happy family he wanted to portray to all and sundry.

Leastways, thatís where I am at the moment.

UKG - I think you and I are in the same place. I replied to you in general. Tell your H you are not his mommy and go the fuck shopping by himself. Don't be guilted into anything.

BTW, I didn't let EO hold me but I DID let him get up at 6 am both days this weekend to take various kids to soccer while I slept in.

That works pretty well.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 7th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, I didn't let EO hold me but I DID let him get up at 6 am both days this weekend to take various kids to soccer while I slept in.
That works pretty well.


HS - it's good to see you laughing again.
UKG - I'm with HS and the others - let him do his own fucking shopping. Tell him that when he's ready to give you what you NEED even though it makes him uncomfortable, you'll consider doing something that he WANTS.
LH - your post was so beautiful. I will always be amazed by your strength and your huge, loving heart.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:18 AM, June 7th (Sunday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
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Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 7th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone on this site that has been through this and made it out whole?

Me, for the most part.

I think I did it by getting to the point where I was sick to death of worrying about it. I mean I was really annoyed by having to think about the whole freaking mess. And I was enraged that I had had such a shitty life. Really just enraged. We were both in IC and MC and had done lots of other stuff, too. We had read books, done seminars, posted here and elsewhere ad nauseum. I was burned out on the whole thing, but still pissed about it.

At some point around 2.5 years out, I had a day where I realized I was happy. I was doing something with the kids, I think, and I had this light-hearted feeling I couldn't even identify it had been so long since I felt it. It was joy. Completely unbound happiness. I realized it was a feelimg I had had very little of in my life, and not just since d-day either.

I decided I wanted joy.

That meant I had to make some changes, and the most obvious place to start was with my problematic marriage. I realized that I couldn't keep holding onto this ready-to-leave-at-any-minute attitude I had had since d-day. I had to make a commitment to be all-in or to get out and find happiness elsewhere. I took a good look at the changes we and he had made, at the way our family life was going, and at the questions/doubts I still had, and I chose to try to make it work.

That decision disciplined me in many ways. It gave our marriage value again in my mind, made it something I was willing to honor and work for. It made me treat him better -- with more understanding and more compassion. It allowed me to see him as a man and a husband rather than a rat-bastard, betraying WS. It made me see myself as a person who really was as strong as I had always pretended to be and maybe as a nicer person than I had ever believed I could be. And all those changes together allowed my husband to relax a bit, regain his sense of human and fun and help me to do the same.

Since my marriage was fucked from basically day one, I saw this new marriage as something completely different. A chance to do it right this time, and for the most part I think we have done that. We are open and honest in a way we have never been before and neither of us lets the other get away with disrespect or distance. We're not perfect, but we're really good.

I think the impetus for my decision started with the thought that a friend from another board planted in my head. She kept telling me that I had to stop living from my emotions and start living from my beliefs. That my happiness all started and ended with me and who I was. That I had the power to be exactly the kind of person I wanted to be if I would make the choice to work at it. What I wanted to be was a thoughtful, forgiving, compassionate and empathetic person. I didn't want to be the crazed, angry, sarcastic, suspicious terror I had been since d-day. She convinced me of my own power -- something I had never truly believed in before.

I also had a little outside help to put things in perspective. Living through Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath for one and having my H fall seriously ill not once, but twice. It wasn't that those things made the affair and my hurts somehow less important, it was that they showed me that other things were important, too. I had spent so much time and effort trying to sort out truth and meaning of the affair etc. that I had tuned out the rest of the world. But that little taste of joy combined with everything I had learned from all those wonderful sources, including SI, helped me to make the choice.

I'm not saying I don't still have questions and doubts because I do. And I still have the occasional trigger or bad day. My mantra for handling that is to explore the feeling until I am sure I understand it, and then to let it go. If there is some change I need to make because of that feeling, I do it. If not, I consciously put it out of my mind. I promise myself not to dwell on anything I cannot change.

Shirley, I firmly believe you will get to this place, too. Like me, you have a great need to understand your H and why he was the way he was. That's important, as much for what it tells you about yourself as for what it tells you about him. I hope you also keep dragging your attention back to yourself. All of us who are on this forum have lots of issues to work through, lots of traumas to be healed and lots of our own power to unlock.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Suitey
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Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 7th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Suitey at 10:22 PM, June 10th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 784 | Registered: Jun 2007
UKgirl
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Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, June 8th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your words of experience and encouragement, BT. This is something all who are trying to reconcile need to see written down. I know it can be done, I know I can become the person I was before dday and not this wary, cautious individual I am now. I am constantly mistrustful of FWH, knowing how MOW has been somehow there, slightly between us, all our marriage. So, like you but in a different way, my marriage was also fucked from day one. So after 29 years of loving and being with this man, I find it was all an illusion. He says not and I guess he wasnít exactly unhappy, or we would not have stayed together that long. Believe it or not, he is naturally a risk-averse man in every aspect of his life and yet he was willing to gamble all on this affair. The conclusion is that he had to know. Being risk-averse meant he HAD to take the chance to find out who he truly wanted to be with, or live the rest of his life never knowing and never quite being happy enough. He couldnít up and leave me (too much at risk, personally and financially), but wasnít willing to let her go untested.

I do recognise that this is all down to him. His decisions have brought us to this point. But because it was all about him, that is where my focus lies rather than on myself. Until I can throw off this mistrust and regain some belief in him, I am not willing to make any commitment to a ďnewĒ marriage. I do realise I cannot spent the rest of time with one foot pointing to the exit, but Iím damned if Iím ever going to let him that close to me again. The man continued to lie, even in MC, for over two years. The result is that I donít see how I can trust him with my heart again. The lies may not seem much to him, but they speak volumes to me about how he didnít and doesnít want to really face up to what he has done. Yes, his action speak volumes in that he wants to stay with me, but his words (or lack of) make me wonder if he just reckoned I was the better bet overall.

Iím not in IC at the moment, a deliberate choice to take a break, but I am trying to work on me. Trying to get back that sense of self worth and belief and thereby look ahead positively. He has a ton of work to do on himself, IMO, but it is his choice not to and so his loss.

I wish I could articulate my emotions and situation as well as you do. Somehow, you make it sound a step by step process toward a goal. I just go around in circles.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:58 AM, June 8th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, June 8th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suitey, the definition here for a long term affair is a PA for two years or more. A ONS that turned to a long distance ďfriendshipĒ (EA) would depend, really. We have had folk whose WS has maintained a long distance affair, but having sex whenever they do meet up even if itís only a couple of times a year. If someone feels they belong here, thatís fine. All our circumstances are different.

Hope this helps.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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