Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Chenilleeee (43132)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe, I am feeling so much better after my recent stumble. God when I think of how low I fall, its really scary. But I am on my way back. Thank you all for holding my hand.

LH - "That's what friends are for. Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on us, for sure, that's what friends are for." If you could hear me right now I'd be singing this to you. So glad to hear you're feeling better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtGF2m102Wg (Here's another jingle for you and the tribe)
Btw, I love the Bee Gees. I went through a whole Bee Gee phase before I went country.
Ah, but at the time, WH thought it was. Or at least the pathway back to the love that should have been all along. Just makes me very, very sad.

UKG - they all thought this and why the hell not. They were worshiped like the gods.
They were petted, and adored and given all kinds of false praise. Then they were told how they weren't loved, appreciated, understood, etc., at home and how they, these OW, could do it better and our stupid ass H's believed all the bullshit. Of course they thought they were in love. The mirror was reflecting a false image and they loved what they were seeing in those lying images. (Now it's my turn to cap! ) IT WASN'T REAL!!!!!!!! IT WAS PURE FANTASY!!!!!!!
They would have lasted less than a month IRL if they had ever attempted to survive outside of their immature fantasies and we all know it.
Again, these men suffer from extreme low self-esteem and so to have these women showering them with praise as I know the OW in my case did, why of course they fell for it. It's pathetic really. I almost feel sorry for them if I didn't want to knock my H silly every time I think of how stupid he was.

My friend asked me the other day if I had stayed with FWH to stop MOW from having him

Oh I absolutely did this! I wanted her to see that she didn't have a chance in hell of ever having him.
ETA - UKG - we stayed partly to stop the OW from having them but let me ask you, why do you think THEY stayed? They could have left. They could have flown to "the loves of their lives" but they didn't. Lots of men do leave their wives for the OW but ours didn't. I believe that they knew, somewhere deep down inside, or maybe not so deep down, that this was purely a selfish need that they were fulfilling but when faced with losing us, they quickly realized what they stood to lose and were in a panic that they just might lose the "real loves of their lives." I know you struggle believing that your H really loved this woman but IMHO I don't believe that at all. If you'll forgive me for saying this, when I read your H's poetry it strikes me that he has some deep need for a fantasy life and I don't quite understand why that is but it's almost as if he's afraid of reality. The OW allowed him, even encouraged him to persist in his fantasy world but you wanted a real life, a life together with all the mess and excitement of genuine living. Real life is messy, complicated, painful and thrilling. How many times have we read that it is when a couple overcomes a challenge that their R is better for it. Every good relationship in my life, whether it is with my H, my mother, my sister or one of my children, has gone through difficult times and it is in the suriviving that these relationships have become stronger. Any relationship worth fighting for survives these times that's why I believe the relationships they had with these OW could never survive - BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:24 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been meaning to post this since I first read it. I read an excerpt from the Elizabeth Edwards interview with Oprah and these words really stood out for me.
"It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family and a home. You have to have enough respect for other human beings to leave their lives alone. If you admire that life, BUILD IT FOR YOURSELF. Don't just try to come in and take someone else's life."
Of course that's the problem, these pathetic OW know they can't build a satisfying life for themselves to they take what they can from ours.

I do love this message though and wish that every OW or potential OW would have these stamped on her forehead so that every time she looks in the mirror she could read these words.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. Back to the thoughts of our FWS’s backgrounds. Yes, I had managed to forget (???) that MIL had an affair. It was referred to in a letter from my FIL when he was saying he had "some experience" of what I was going through and that the best way to get over it was to push all the feelings down until they didn’t come up anymore. Something like that. Well, H had some idea something was wrong at one time when he was about 12. His parents were rowing a lot and the rest of the very large family were around all the time and at his Nan who lived next door to him. I think that’s the year they went abroad for a holiday (a big deal in those days). It has not been mentioned since the letter – not even in a roundabout way or with a knowing look. I said something once to MIL to try and gently draw her in to talking about it, but her lips are superglued on that one. I think it was a case of never, ever mention it again. EVER. But I don’t think H was affected by it, he was hardly at home, he played a lot of sport evenings and weekends. As long as there was food in the fridge and a bed to fall into, I don’t think he noticed that much.

Mind you, he had no idea that his parents “had” to get married, she got pregnant with H’s brother and her future MIL took her in (her own waste of space H prob with his other family). That came out one Xmas when I bought a video for the year we thought they m’d. She’d had the bucks fizz and a couple of sherries when she burst into tears (told you she was a drama queen). A fib for 38yrs! We just thought it was hilarious!

Secrets and lies though.

Both of H's grandfathers were unfaithful rogues. Hard men who stepped in and out of lives as the fancy took them, meanwhile having other families elsewhere. H didn't have much time of either of them and despised his maternal grandfather who abused his mother when she was a child. Something else "known" but not talked about. Fucked up family, i guess, with the outward appearance of one more like mine.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I don’t think H was affected by it, he was hardly at home, he played a lot of sport evenings and weekends. As long as there was food in the fridge and a bed to fall into, I don’t think he noticed that much.

Hmmmm, I'm not so sure about that UKG. If nothing else, it sounds like he learned "conflict avoidance" from his parents. This is one other very common characteristic in our LTA H's personalities. They typically run from conflict rather than staying to work through it. That has been one of the areas that has been hardest for my H since d-day. He has had to stay and work on his issues instead of running away so that we can get to the bottom of them. Every time he would try to get away when I asked questions I would shout at him that he was a coward. Our MC insisted that if I needed to discuss something that my H had to "put on his armour" and work with me. So it became a joke between us. I would start a "conversation" and he would walk away and then return telling me, "Ok, I have my armour on." I can't tell you what a huge step that was for him. Learning to talk through problems instead of running away is one of the benefits of R. It takes a lot of guts for these conflict avoiders to that.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:06 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, UK, Shirley, Lost and FNF, I've spent a lot of the last year learning in minute detail how our childhood affects who we become. I honestly had no idea how completely we are creatures of our childhood milieus -- even if we don't want to be. This probably goes for most everyone here, but I mention you four because I have heard you talk about your H's childhoods enough to know that they had really dysfunctional, repulsive, sexist, selfish beliefs foisted on them. They were steeped in horrendous attitudes about women and men, about self and others, and about how to appear to be one thing while actually being something quite different.

Not an excuse for any of them, including my husband. They all became adults and had every chance to choose different paths. Just a realization that the roots of their beliefs and behaviors go very, very deep and take serious, conscious efforts to change. And the desire to do so.

In some ways we are asking these men to change at a molecular level. I don't think we should ever underestimate the extent of the change they have to make to be the men we need them to be. Truly, the odds are against them being able to do it, or even wanting to. But we really shouldn't accept anything less.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In some ways we are asking these men to change at a molecular level. I don't think we should ever underestimate the extent of the change they have to make to be the men we need them to be. Truly, the odds are against them being able to do it, or even wanting to. But we really shouldn't accept anything less.

BT - another excellent post. And believe me, I know how much of a task my H has had and try to remember that when I feel the changes aren't being made quickly enough to help me heal. Just this weekend we had a friend's DD's wedding. My H had been away with the guys for a few days and we met at the reception. He reverted back to some of his crude, vulgar behaviors and I was so disgusted and disappointed in him and let him know right there at the table (quietly of course). He immediately made the effort and we then began to have a good time but I can see that he still has a lot of work to do.



D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They all became adults and had every chance to choose different paths. Just a realization that the roots of their beliefs and behaviors go very, very deep and take serious, conscious efforts to change. And the desire to do so.

BT - once again a very insightful post. I am not IN ANY WAY trying to make any excuses for my H's behavior but I think I have learned a couple of things over the last two years.

First, I am not sure he WAS capable of taking a different path. That horrible, abusive, sexist, drunken behavior was EVERYWHERE around him. His family, his relatives, his friends families, probably the entire town he grew up in. He never knew anything different. I think that by being with me he was trying to take a different path by association. He could learn from me how to ACT like a fine upstanding citizen and professional without actually being one.

Secondly, they do need to really desire to change. We cannot give them books, send them to doctors, give them polygraphs, check up on them, etc, etc, etc. They have to do all the hard work all by themselves and we have to hold ourselves apart and watch very, very carefully to see if change is, indeed, happening.

I agree no one is enlightened enough to raise a child. I think about all the damage that has been done to my beautiful girls over the last two years and it makes me cry. I just hope than can be honest, loving souls and not be made too cynical about marriage and relationships.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I am not sure he WAS capable of taking a different path.

I would go one step farther and say that perhaps he didn't see that there was a different path to take.

My H would say that he had an ideal childhood. His parents were really pillars of morality. They just did not give their children much to work with. His mother called him a dummy all the time and his father never approved of anything he ever did. He used to cry on my shoulder about never being able to please his father. Now that the man is no longer living, he was perfect in my husband's eyes. He dotes on his mother, not out of genuine love, but because it makes him "the good son" (It's that image being reflected, just like in the A.).


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf,
H's r with MIL.

H was known to everyone as his mother's child - she doted on him and set his sisters to task to cater to his (almost) every need, such that they grew up deeply resenting him.
His F on the other hand, had no time for him. Certainly from the time I knew them, FIL would make these not so subtle putdowns, and resented H's relationship with his mother.He would gripe about she would serve H the best cuts of meat or wait late for him to get home and or sneak cigarettes from FIL for H (as a teen). She smothered him to the detriment of her relationships with her DDs and her H.
As soon as he was able, H left home.

When he told her about wanting to marry me, she was truly devastated, for not only could she not accept that her "innocent sweet" boy would even have hidden a girl from her, but more that he had chosen me, the DD of the woman she suspected of having an A with her H.
To this day, I dont know how he could have chosen me, knowing how much she hated my mother. I never knew till my FIL died when my SIL told me. (For the record, my mum never had an A with FIL or with anyone else. FIL and my F were close friends, not my mum. However my FIL was quite a lady charmer and MIL was very jealous of all women)
So was H choosing me the ultimate F.U to MIL, or was it due to him seeking his F's approval? We will never know.

So H and MIL continue to share a close relationship after our M and I accepted it. However, he tried desp to make it up to her and would go out of his way to show her how little I meant to him, or show her that he was not having a good time with my family.

Their r changed when he took up with OW#2. MIL came over to spend a few months with us at the height of this LTA, and he for the most part ignored her. She was very hurt. Their r has not recovered since. He hardly calls her and when they do talk, he ends up being very blue and angry. I know her and I know what she does well to him - she makes him feel very guilty and very ashamed.

When I told her about OW#2, she said that H had been a good man until he married; she couldnt blame him as he must have been so unhappy. When I found out about OW#1, she was shocked and maintained that he had been a good boy till her left her. No, he would always remain her good boy, innocent and sweet, not at all like his womanising violent F.

So thats my H's r with his mum in a nutshell.

you talk about your H's childhoods enough to know that they had really dysfunctional, repulsive, sexist, selfish beliefs foisted on them. They were steeped in horrendous attitudes about women and men, about self and others, and about how to appear to be one thing while actually being something quite different.

Yup, that about sums him up.

But we really shouldn't accept anything less

How do you stay the course though, as this is so tiring?
And add to this, that I am also trying to sort out my FOO issues. I also have to make alot of changes in myself, for I too have some deeply dysfunctional beliefs.
Sometimes its just seems like that crest will never be in sight.

***

It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family and a home. You have to have enough respect for other human beings to leave their lives alone. If you admire that life, BUILD IT FOR YOURSELF. Don't just try to come in and take someone else's life

Strange - I thought that was more relevant to H and OW#1. He betrayed his very good friend, went into that home and helped break it. Never mind that the cracks were already there (OW had been trying it on with other young men before H); OWH trusted H and put his young family in his care. H should have this phrase stamped on his head!

***
Thanks for the song, Fnf.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2 -

wait late for him to get home and or sneak cigarettes from FIL for H (as a teen).

My H's mom had him ROLLING HER CIGs FOR HER when he was 11!!

What is it with these women. This was put forward as a "treat" that he was allowed to do this. Of course, she looked the other way while he pocketed some. Also, the booze was left out on the counter for anyone to take. The whole thing just makes me so angry.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They typically run from conflict rather than staying to work through it.

Shit. I think you could be right there. H didn’t finish romantic relationships, he left it for the girl to do the dumping. Fuckity fuck. You have a point.

we are creatures of our childhood milieus -- even if we don't want to be.

I guess that goes for me to. Maybe I have to peel back the layers, although I don’t think I’ll find much. I think I grew up assuming H’s family were as sound as mine. When they weren’t. And they excelled at pretence to being something they wanted to be, but maybe didn’t have at their core.

He dotes on his mother, not out of genuine love, but because it makes him "the good son" (It's that image being reflected, just like in the A.).

Ditto, kalamity.

his mother's child - she doted on him …… His F on the other hand, had no time for him

well, his Dad didn’t have much time, full stop. Maybe H became her focus of attention. Jeez.

So was H choosing me the ultimate F.U to MIL, or was it due to him seeking his F's approval? We will never know.

Fucked up families, eh? Hugs sweetie. (((((LostH)))))

How do you stay the course though, as this is so tiring?

Because we have worked out how it should be. We know the flaws, the trials and shame of carrying the sins of the fathers (and mothers) and this just is not right. We know things can be different and we know we do NOT want this line to continue through to the next generation. This is what I will work on with my boys. At some point, BEFORE they marry or shack up, I WILL tell them the history of our families. I regret that my FIL did not take up the genealogy searches that came to my inbox. He just did NOT want to know and would not give the information. And it was all to do with his father. Under the carpet, skeletons in the cupboard, secrets and lies. And these days, does anyone care? Are we “tainted”? WTF are we feeling the shame of ancestry?

I too have some deeply dysfunctional beliefs.

No you do not. You have sound core values and you want to live your life by them and pass them on to your children. Your dysfunctional family are not on the same wavelength. You are on the right course, do not lack belief in yourself.

Got some thinking to do. Thanks, g’nite and love my Tribe.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:00 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny Story...

Last evening we spent some time with MIL and SIL (never married - lives next door to MIL). MIL asked me out of the blue how much ($) I would take for H. I told her that there are moments when I would give him back to her for free. SIL responded that he would come running back to me after a few hours with his mom. (Neither of them knows about the A.) I think she's probably right!


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have some deeply dysfunctional beliefs.
No you do not

Actually Ukg, I do.
Part of going through ALL this (even though it would be sooo much easier to look the other way and just live life on the surface)is for me face my demons, which inclu my false beliefs.
Why did I allow H to treat me so badly?
Why did I accept his bad behaviour?
Why did I cover up for him, or even worse, make it up for him to others?
Why did I continue to work harder on myself to be a better W when it was so evident that it was him who was faulty?
Why did I accept less (way less) that I wanted?

Because I didnt value myself. Because I had very low self esteem. Because I was "taught" that thats how men are and us women should be superhuman. Because that was what I thought I deserved as I was fat/not clever/not pretty/dodgy FOO etc. So many false beliefs.

Whereas H's false beliefs led him to hurt everyone in his quest for self gratification, my false beliefs led me to hurt myself. Not the same, I know, but bad too. For now, some of those beliefs would have been spread unconsiously to my children, through watching me all these years.

For me to put an end to this cycle, I have to fix myself. And its blooming hard work. Its kinda like going through adolescence in a way. A painful but very necessary transitional phase.

Anyone else tackling themselves?

***

kalamity,
I wonder why your MIL asked that.

I told her that there are moments when I would give him back to her for free

Would you consider asking for a refund plus extra for false advertisment?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH, please do not do yourself down – there are enough people in this life to do that for you. We are all the products of our upbringing, usually a combination of good and bad. I was lucky, it was mostly good. Except with my dad being so ill, my mum never having time, having a twin who was a pain in the arse, having a much prettier and cleverer big sister, having to do household chores before homework cos my mum worked full time, failing the 11+ which was equal to a lifetime of “failure”, you’ll only ever work on the tills at Tesco, blah, blah ……….. see what I mean?

Every generation brings about slightly shifted beliefs and social acceptances. We all live in hope that we can offer something better to our children.
You allowed him to treat you so badly because you hoped that he would see that you only wanted the best for him and your/his family and that he would come around and understand that you were not trying to make him less of a man.
You accepted his behaviour because you thought that he would eventually see the lovely person that you are and be grateful and happy
You covered up for him or were inventive for him because you wanted to keep that illusion of a happy family, believing one day it would be true
You worked harder on yourself because that is easier than trying to change someone else who is resistant – you were trying to fit him instead of compromise on both your parts
You accepted less because less is easier to live up to.
And that could all be said of me. Truly.

We have all been taught that women have to take the burden of being everything to everyone. We know that it should be a partnership, but it is often a lop-sided partnership. You did not know what it was that was wanted from you, but you tried anyway. You are not dysfunctional. You know what makes for a happy family, but you have others laying down what “should” or “should not” be the ingredients for that. You are open, they are not. You are warm, they are not. You are true, they are not. You are fighting to live by your values, hence the conflict. But, sweetie, you are right. You are. And you are a wonderful person who wants nothing more than for her husband, her children, her mother, father, sisters, to be happy. You can’t do that for them. The best you can do is to be happy within yourself. By doing everything to be the person you are inside. You.

Stop beating yourself up. No one is perfect. All we can be is try to ourselves, and live by that.
Okay, the last glass of wine is nearly gone. So with that, I bid you all goodnight.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Content  Posted: 6:34 AM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((LTATribe))))))

Quick jump in to say good morning. Hoping and praying that life is getting better for all.

FNF,

Real life is messy, complicated, painful and thrilling. How many times have we read that it is when a couple overcomes a challenge that their R is better for it. Every good relationship in my life, whether it is with my H, my mother, my sister or one of my children, has gone through difficult times and it is in the suriviving that these relationships have become stronger. Any relationship worth fighting for survives these times that's why I believe the relationships they had with these OW could never survive - BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR

Wow... loved this! Such a great realization.

I too believe that we grow from adversity, kinda like the flower struggles thru the concrete...

We work hard to have a safe and loving home for our children. We hope we have taught them to be the best they can be and we try to protect them from hurt! I did the absolute best I could with mine. Could I have done better, probably, but it is what it is. They had to deal w/their father's choices, and they did it the best they could!

We, as a family, are stronger, closer and more loving. We have survived and continue to grow. I am proud of my kids and thankful that my H has become a better father and husband.

I am finishing up my last day at work and then we are going camping for about 10 days. Going to enjoy the holiday weekend with some great friends and then Mon. we are going off by ourselves.... I will keep all of you's in my thoughts.

Live, Love, Laugh

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a great time, Lovin’, you are a shining star and your H has shown how it should be done. Spring Bank holiday here and the schools break up for a week or so with plenty of people towing their caravans and tents for the camping up here. I will use the weekend to try and declutter a bit. View it as therapy. I’ve done nothing since dday, so you can imagine …… not so much housewife as houseslut!

the relationships they had with these OW could never survive - BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR

This made me think of the “80/20 factor”. The one were the WS got 80% of needs met from the marriage and saw the missing 20% in OP. By concentrating on the 20% the WS’s were bigging it up to 80% and belittling us to a value of 20%; until the day a choice had to be made. Then they realised that the 80% they thought they were getting from OP was actually without value. That the 20% that was “missing” from the marriage was actually missing within themselves. So, no the OW were not worth fighting for when faced with a distraught wife and a marriage in jeopardy. The fact that MOW was also distraught didn't affect WH, he said it was her choice.

I find it hard to accept that I am 100% for him now, when I was (at some point) 0%. During the affair, MOW was like, 100% while he was with her and probably as much as 95% for most of the five years. I can see with hindsight that I meant very little to him, I was just a housekeeper.

Sex, love and affection (and PDA too) are very, very important to H. They are all wrapped up together and can’t really be separated, although he tried during the A, hence his attitude towards me. And MOW craved it. Her BH is not the touchy-feely type. But it’s the complete obsession about her, the love and the sex, the whole fucking package he gave her that I can’t stomach. Another pixie step away from him.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm off for the weekend but I wanted to wish all of you a peaceful, easy holiday.
See you on Tuesday.
Hugs to the tribe.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope the US gals have a great Memorial Day weekend. Be good to yourselves!

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, May 23rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a good spring bank, memorial or just ordinary weekend everyone. I'll be checking out til Tues, so it might be quiet in here with some of the tribe off.

Hugs to all (((((Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 24th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope that the lack of posts means that the tribe is having a good wkend!

{{{LTA tribe}}}

Thinking about you and praying daily...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.