fWH called OW to see if she counter filed for OC's check. She said no. She said that she filed for disability & they contacted her saying OC already receives benefits through her father. Since OW's disability check will be less than fWH's, OC's benefits will go to her instead. She said she did not know they would ask for backpay on OC's check. She has known for weeks/months about this (probably not long after she filed), but didn't tell fWH.
Of course, fWH is going to talk to his lawyer about it today (if available) and then when he fills out papers, he'll say that all the $$$ was expended on her care & justify it w/the #days/week he has her, that he has her daily afterschool (food/snacks), and pays for her medical insurance/dental insurance/vision. I'm hoping SSD will say okay & not insist on repayment. They even asked that if we "invested" her check, that any interest earned was payable to them also.
Not sure how she's disabled? Chronic depression after death of brother & being jilted by married lover & marital conflict? Her poor ankle gets sprained periodically, maybe she cannot stand for long periods (at least she can walk & stand - which isn't something fWH can EVER do again due to paraplegic)? Maybe her big tits injured her back? Maybe her big belly roll makes it impossible to sit comfortably? WHO KNOWS!!!!
It just REALLY pisses me off!!!! fWH said, "so, am I supposed to use the 2 checks I get to help care for my sons, to pay for my daughter since her mom's to lazy to work?" I am hoping this is the final straw & he now sees how OW truly is. He is always pissed about people filing for disability & sitting on their butts, when there's nothing logically wrong w/them that should keep them from working. By what we've seen, SHE doesn't visibly have a disability. My guess is some sort of mental instability (depression, psychosis, etc.) fWH wonders if it's mental, if she even needs to be caring for OC.
BTW: you know how I volunteered us to keep OC last night, because OW was even too sick to go2church (plus I had a all-hands insurance open enrollment meeting @4pm)? Well, supposedly she wasn't going anywhere....when fWH called her to ask about why he got the SSD letter & if she'd filed, OW wasn't home. We called her cell & there were women cackling/laughing in background. She either went 2 church after miraculous 3-4 hour recovery, or she was @her mom's house socializing. Why didn't she call & say "I'm feeling better, why don't you just bring OC to me @park instead of you keeping her, I miss her terribly?" Well, we didn't get that call...guess she felt good enough to GO OUT, but not to see OC. Except for Monday night, we have had OC since last Friday because OW was TOO SICK.
So sorry about OW. Mine never gave up either. She finally had her 3rd A w/him. He could've left me easily, but begged/pleaded/cried for me to stay.
She is so childish for even writing that on his window....
That's what I keep telling myself...all these NC-breaking lately, are just OW's ploy to get fWH's sympathy over illness & other stuff. She's looking for her KISA again. He can't have me & be her KISA. He seems to have chosen me, no matter how grouchy I've been lately.
Why won't they just give up? IF they didn't leave over OC, what makes them think they EVER will?
I think they want to cause conflict & bring a wedge into your R. They know he'll be ripe-4-picking, if your M is on-the-rocks.
I think, my NewYear's resolution, is to bite my tongue about OW. Last night he said "don't let it get you upset, I am very mad about it, but I would stay angry all the time, if I let it get to me."
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:24 AM, January 21st (Thursday)]
#1Survivor welcome to our group. I am so sorry that you are dealing with a pyscho OW. This is situation is hard enough to deal with than to have to go thru that. Please feel free to PM me if you need extra support or need to talk.
repeatbs, my goodness it just never ends. I sincerely hope that you guys do not have to pay that back that is really disheartening. Have you guys thought about taking custody of OC? or this that another fight?
Chandler, thinking of you and praying things go the way you want them.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:10 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]
Ok so just about 9 months ago I suspected my husband of having an affair with a coworker. It has recently come out that he has (New Year's Eve- Happy flipping New Year) & is claiming to be pregnant (due in May) with his kid . She's married too and I don't know what to do. I don't believe her but he does . He wants custody and all that (at least that's the impression I get)- he doesn't seem to understand the laws regarding paternity in our state (the presumption of her husband being the father). She's been telling him all this stuff about her husband and he seems to believe her. I just want things to go back to the way they were- I feel everything crumbling around me.
I guess I just want advice/support- I'm sorry for the long sob story. I'm just so overwhelmed recently... thanks for listening...
Sorry you find yourself here, but please don't worry about your "long sob story"... have you read any of our posts yet? You barely wrote a paragraph. We sometimes write pages!
If OW is married, what makes her so sure it isn't her H's? Has pregnancy been confirmed? (As in, has anyone seen her pregnant?). Does her H know about the affair, or that the baby may not be his? Do you live in a state the presumes paternity?
This thread gets kind of slow in the evenings, so pm me if you like. I'll be on the board on and off.
Anyhow, claiming that she is not sleeping with her H is another lie I am sure, but before you worry about any of this, your H needs to go NC with this woman and focus on your marriage (assuming you have both decided to R?).
Then you need to consult with an attorney. Find out exactly what the laws are in your state. Once the child is born, I would suggest NC until DNA is established. Some H's go to the delivery, I personally see no reason for this. It is for the benefit of the OWs, and there is certainly no need to be at the birth of a child that you don't know if it is yours or not.
I know all of your emotions are so raw, but if you could give me a little info on the status of your relationship I can give you more advice (until the more experienced ladies get here, like repeat and BMC).
The girl is his coworker (as in the same company, but not the same location) so I don't know if they are still communicating or not. He tells me they aren't and I have all her numbers & check his phone.
I just wish May would just get here so we can see if this child is his or not. It's so frustrating- I'm still hoping that somehow she's lying about the pregnancy or that something will happen. Then I feel sooo guilty for feeling that way.
OC in our sitch is almost 2 (will be in March). Our DD will be 1 in May. Neither H or I have ever met OC. OW showed up at our work 1 month into R, after H left her to try to R with me (he moved in with her on DDay). She was 16 weeks pregnant, and expected him to come back to her. Once he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with her, she never, ever contacted him regarding visitaion during the entire pregnancy, for the delivery, or once the OC was born (so we of course assumed it wasn't his- until we got CS papers in the mail, when OC was quite a few months old).
Despite the fact that she didn't want my H involved, she set her sights on harassing me. Called me to gloat and ask if I was "jealous" of her, wrote me to tell me she hoped it "ate me up inside that she was carrying my H's baby", that she hoped I "couldn't sleep at night", and to assure me how much she was "still enjoyng H's SPERM". My H went from being completely indifferent towards her, to hating her the more she hurt me.
I think this is what led to my H's resentment of OC. He doesn't want visitation, which is what I thought was the best in the beginning. But, I question that decision everyday. Especially now that I have my own daughter. I loved my stepdaughters (who are now adults and have befriended OW- long horrible story) and know I am capable of loving OC also. However, I must put my own daughter's best interest in mind. OW is nutty. Contact with OC would be bringing OW into our lives, and consequently my daughters life. On top of that, I don't know how OC is being raised, how much of a "handful" she is, and what affect her behavior would have on my daughter.
Also, we have hopes of OW's "fiance" (I use that term loosely, as they have only been together a couple of months- he just recently broke up with his own girlfriend, but she is already knocked up by him, and claims that they have agreed to get married). He calls OC his daughter, and OW and OC are very, very involved with his family (they accept OC as their own family member also). The draw back is this guy is considerably younger than OW- he just turned 19!
I am at a loss. Not see OC, in the hopes this guy adopts her? Push the issue with my H, who won't even look at a picture of OC on Facebook or myspace.
It is also very hard for me to accept that my H has a child out there that he doesn't want to meet. He was never that "type" of guy before.
There is no black and white solution, just all gray.
Have you read up on the "180"? What do you think of implementing that?
I myself would not even consider R until H had left OW. I didn't find SI until over a year after Dday, and almost a year into R, so I didn't know about the 180, but I was doing it anyway. Put the house up for sale, and 180ed him completely (with the exception of walking up to him twice a month and silently sticking my hand out so he could give me the majority of his paycheck to pay half the mortgage, my car payment and expenses, etc ).
I had no idea there was such thing as a "false R". No idea of the possibility of him coming home but still being in contact with her. It hadn't even crossed my naive little mind.
It sounds like he may be "fence sitting" or "cake eating" as they call it here. This is when he wants to be with you... or thinks he does, but doesn't entirely want to give up contact with OW either. You can't allow this. If he is in contact with her, and you don't enforce any boundaries or consequences, he will continue this behavior.
the "180" is essentially showing him what he will lose should he decide that he doesn't want to R, or should he keep up contact with the OW. He needs to know these things.
The court liason misinformed us. She told my H we would know the results of his paternith test yesterday. The lab said no 4-6 weeks. So now we wait. I am very frustrated I mean really people are waiting for results and you tell them that they would have instant results and the reality is 4-6 wks
So waiting is all we can do. Wait and pray.
Sorry you have to wait. But, just by OC's newborn hospital photo, I knew before the results came. fWH "really" knew, but he was playing like there hadn't been a full-blown affair & certainly never admitted to planned pregnancy until after A#3. OC looked like DS10's newborn photo...they could've been twins (only 13 months apart). After I saw the photo, I told fWH that she was his & there was no doubt in my mind about it (same nose, same eyes, same facial features).
OMG. I cannot believe how OW was harrassing you! Our OW didn't harass me until after D-day#3 (EA/PA#3). The way I really found out about the affair was that she texted "Keep praying. fWH loves me." and "Congrats. We are getting D. That just makes it easier for me to be w/fWH." fWH had broken up w/her previous day & due to my talking to BH#2, their D-day had been on same day as fWH/OW's breakup, plus BH#2 kicked OW/OC out & kept their toddler daughter for a few weeks (maybe a month or more - cannot remember). She & her family harassed me @OC's ballgames. You can read old posts, if interest. I ranted & raved every week after OC's ballgames. I was torn up. R#3 has been much harder w/OW being a butt-insky & learning about the lies from A#1/A#2 (conception of OC).
fWH is a very good Dad. He has a grown child out there somewhere, but the young teen who gave birth married another man (while in HS & pregnant by fWH), so fWH had a big fistfight w/the husband and they ended up agreeing that her husband would raise child as-his. It does bother me that fWH has another child out there that doesn't know it's siblings, but yet fWH was adament about having OC in our lives/homes etc. None of the kids know about fWH's other child (which was never truly confirmed by DNA, but the husband verbally said he was told it belonged to him). The girl was just a friend w/benefits, but had been in-love w/him...he was just using her for company when his on/off/on girlfriend would leave him (and take her baby w/her - the one that he helped raise 4awhile & thought was his until she left him). Anyway. It's weird to think that some girl/boy might show up one day & say, "hi Dad, my mom just told me that you were my father, nice 2 meet you." I wish someday, that he meet the young adult, but I don't think it'll ever happen. I suspect the child only knows her Dad (and not that she was unplanned pregnancy w/another bio-father).
Wanted2H: that would be good, if OW's new fiance adopted OC, but I would say they would prefer the 18 years of CS payments, more than adding him to the BC.
fWH had promised OW that as-long-as OC was cared for (not abused), then he would never try to take OC away from OW. I wish we had better records of how long we had OC. We had @first year done that...we had her for 3-4-5 days sometimes, or a week @a time (she never even called about her). Funny, she can call my house all day long, when she's trying to start trouble, but then doesn't call about OC @all when we started overnights @2-3months old.
I want OW to be part of OC's life. She was "pretending" last year to be good mommy...but, that isn't happening anymore. fWH always thought she was "bad" mommy until A#3 was going on, then she became a wonderful person...depressed about M...just great mom. Now he's back to saying what a horrible mother she is....his perception of OW's parenting abilities is foggy, when he's foggy about OW.
Guys, just pray for our family...that good things are in store for us & that we don't have to pay SSD back that $1064. We really did use her checks on her. I could probably furnish receipts for her clothes we bought in Jan (b-day) which was >$ than her check & she shared Christmas gift (go kart) 1/3 for each kid was >$ in the Nov check which came in Dec.
We are supposed to be claiming her on taxes this year (after forms got final w/Judge, OW is supposed to alternate w/us). This'll be first year of claiming OC as dependant. I hope OW doesn't screw-us-over & file taxes first. They will put hold on ours & probably audit both families, if we both try to claim OC.
I hope that you do not have to pay the money back and that she lets u claim OC on your taxes. Did your H get to talk to his lawyer about having to pay it back?
sending good thoughts and prayers your way
Sending prayers everyone's way. It's really disheartening how little of this we can control and how none of us asked for this.
I have been having a lot of problems with holding onto anger, resentment and hurt regarding OW. It doesn't help that she is a master game player. Like last night, she took extremely sick OC (just got out of hospital) so they could stay with her friend and they could have some drinks and socialize. FWH texted several times to ask how OC was and OW ignored him. She then texted BIL and said pass along that OC is fine, she was asleep when FWH tried to C her.
I was reading a post on Flylady.net that a woman got her purse stolen and while she got her wallet back, she lost the $300 in it. She said she kept the anger and resentment, then made the decision that she gave the person $300. She said it freed her. I know this is not a perfect analogy, but I used to work child protection and found children homes, created families. Maybe instead of focusing on how OW stole the child I had been hoping to have this year, the sibling for COM, maybe God meant me to give OC to her. What she does with OC (as long as he is safe) is her and FWH's domain.
After all, OW did not get FWH or ready-made family. She can deal with it and grow up. My family is not perfect, but it's mine and I will fight for it with everything I have. Worrying about what she does, her boundaries, her stupid immature games just saps me of strength that I need for me. I will not allow her to make me a bitter, angry victim. I am 10 times the woman she is.
We all are!
I'm going to the city that OW lives in later today. I don't know if it was a coincidence or what, but the same day I made definate plans and told a few friends, she asked me if I would be coming down there. It was very strange. Anyway, she invited me to stop by and see OC if I felt like it. Part of me wants to, but the other part of me isn't sure if I can handle it today. I haven't seen her since last Dec, and myFWH hasn't seen her since July 2007.
fWH did speak w/his lawyer. He said he wasn't familiar with laws about SSD. But, he said to call Child Support Services down the road from his office & they might tell him how disability & CS work when concerning OC. I'm just worried that if he does it, then they may decide (for the state) to recalculate CS. We haven't had to pay since March 09 anything @all (since OW was capable of earning more $$$ than fWH due to her previous $70,000 jobs in 2006-2008). I never thought we should pay anyway, since we provide so much for her & OW didn't even provide care for OC much before.
I told fWH that we should play dumb & call soc.sec. to find out why he got the letter. He could probably even ask if OW was on temporary disability or permanent (which might make difference, if she EVER went back-2-work making more $$$ than fWH does on disability).
I'll keep you updated.
OC's rash keeps getting worse, so fWH picked OC up from school after his Dr. appt & is headed to Walgreens Clinic w/her right now. I don't think it's an allergy to OW's fabric softener (as she suspected)...I think it's staph infection...hope not, that stuff is contagious. Just makes me itch thinking about it. I am glad fWH stepped-up & took her. But, when I picked up papers @new Dr. office this morning...OW had actually called them & given OC's name & info. I have a new patient packet to get OW to fill in (I don't know her birth weight, if she had diabetes/high BP during pregnancy, difficult pregnancy or birth - except she lost a lot of weight because OW's mother called & told fWH that he needed to come see OW to check on her because her morning sickness was so bad and the weight loss.) Maybe I can get her to fill-in during ballgame half-time or something, so I can drop off tomorrow. I guess OW might have done as-said & signed release of medical records...we'll see.
I'll post back if I know something about SSD or OC's rash.
P.S. my best friend & daughter might go to OC's 2nd game tomorrow night. I'll feel much more relaxed w/fWH & best friend there w/me.