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User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beajus,

I just talked to AuntCis this morning and she is doing great! I spoke with Lynne01 last week, she is still on her own, but she is strong and doing what she needs to.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohh I'm glad to hear they are both doing well, thanks for the update!!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, OW called while I wasn't home yesterday to ask if we could keep OC. Pisses me off. She even asked if OC could call afterschool. Why didn't she just call once school was out? Answer: she wanted to talk to fWH w/out me around. Why didn't she text me instead? Answer: she wanted to talk to fWH w/out her husband around

We need to talk to her about new health insurance for 2/1/10. fWH said "I'll call her later." I reminded him that I didn't think they needed to talk. So, he said "you call her then." OC had a small rash on her leg last night, thought it might be just mild case of hives or something. This morning, it's much worse. Now, we've got to figure out if OW can take OC to Dr. today/tomorrow sometime (even though she has no pediatrician - she quit liking him so now takes OC to Family Practicioner instead, isn't that mainly for teens & older?) Or, fWH will have to try & take her to Take-Care Clinic @Walgreens, like before (she's been there twice now).

Did you guys wonder why OW couldn't keep OC last night? OW is sick. But, when OC got home from school, she called her mom per request. She wasn't home. The only good excuse for not being home, when you're TOO sick to care for OC is 1) you had to drag yourself to Drs. office, or 2) you had to take OC's sister to an overnight babysitter. TOO sick to care for OC last night, but wasn't home when she called....really burns me up.

I dread speaking w/her today, but it HAS to be done & I have got to get a handle on OW breaking NC. I even overheard fWH telling MIL on-the-phone that "Repeatbs326 is getting aggravated about OW calling. She could have texted Repeat about us keeping OC, but she called me instead. Then she wasn't even home when OC called her. Plus, she didn't go to OC's ballgame Saturday, but wasn't home either when OC called to tell her about the game."

BMC0415,
Did Lynne01 say if she still had OC since Aug & if court let her keep child, since the mother abandoned OC @her house & her stbXH isn't around? I was afraid child services might put him into foster care.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope Lynne doesn't mind me answering this, but her WH took the OC. I have to commend her to taking this on and giving the OC love and security.

Unfortunately that doesn't give you any legal standing. All you can do is pray that they are being taken care of when they are away from you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all
Tomorrow at 4 pm my H is going in for his paternity test. OW is taking OC somtime today and they told my H he will know the results tomorrow. I know the chace is slim but please pray that OC is not his and at least part of our nightmare will be over. We still have to work on R but without OC it will be easier.

OW #2 told my H that OC did not look like him but it looked like another man that both of them knew.

I NEVER thought I'd say this but I hope OW #2 is right.

I will let everone know first thing Friday. My laptop is in the repair shop so no computer at home right now,

[This message edited by Chandler at 8:55 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Chandler)),

I am hoping that the DNA turns out that he is not the father. How are they getting results so quickly? It normally takes 6-8 weeks even thru the court. We had our done on 12/20 and did not get results until 1/29.

If you can get the results so quickly great, because the wait is really hard. I am sending you good thoughts.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Going2MakeIt
♀ New Member
Member # 27225
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler, I'm praying that the OC is Not your H's.

As for the question about forgivness... I have forgiving my H for the affiar. It was easy for me, since I had an affiar too and know how bad I feel, such guilt and shame and I know he feels the same.
As for him getting her pregnant, thats a little harder...He is NC with both OW and OC, but It's still hard and I dont know if that is the right choice but only he can decide that.
I had alot of angry towards the OW for the last year but even that has lessened lately. Probably cause me and H have been doing so good lately and I choose for her not to take up space in my head. She meant nothing to him and she shouldnt matter to me.
I do feel bad for the OC but wonder how I would feel if he was really a part of our lives.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2010
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm praying Chandler!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Frustrated  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm all shaking inside & flush in face.

Called OW to discuss:

new health ins (I cover OC on my insurance)
OC's rash (OW knew - she switched dryer sheets & has had rash since - why didn't she tell us?)
offered to change OC's pediatrician to our NEW pediatrician's office (old one retired) - boys see a male Dr, but OC would see her Sunday-school teacher who works there too
Plus, inform OW of additional game added Friday night in-town (she said she'd go)

Maybe OW won't call fWH today, since we took-care of everything.

I volunteered to keep OC another day, since OW said she was staying close-2-home, due to illness (not going to church). YES, I actually volunteered. We've had OC almost every night this week (except Tues), but OC will just have2 get over it. That solved another problem...we have work meeting @4pm about new health ins & I wasn't sure I could get OC back to park by 5:45pm since I must attend the meeting (so OW could go to church).

(((Chandler))) I am praying that OC isn't your fWH's too!

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:45 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless my H misunderstood, but he said they told him he would know tomorrow. I guess we will see. Thanks for all the prayers.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uggghhh. I forgot to mention, OW even asked "what type of fabric softener do you use on OC's clothes?" Like, we're friends or something. She was sickeningly polite on-phone. She used-2 think the same of me, as it made her feel bad after A#2 (OC).

I told her what I use for FS...but didn't want to. We use white vinegar, instead of fabric softener. DS10 is highly allergic to many things. 1/2 to 1 cup in rinse cycle (use my front-loader dispenser, but Downy ball could be filled w/vinegar instead, or just added during rinse cycle). Hate giving away my household secrets to OW. But, fWH does most my laundry now that he's SAHD (I just have to fold & put away).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat
It must be so frustrating that you have to give her advice on these things. I feel for you. I would scream at her to figure it out I am not her mother. You are a saint.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel repeat...

I helped OW with breastfeeding as much as I could and post partum care as much as i could.

It means we're GOOD PEOPLE with huge hearts!!!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beajus,

I'm not that chummy w/OW as to help her breastfeed (which she didn't wanna do anyway). It would have made it more difficult to pawn-off OC for 4 days/week, if she was nursing. fWH had suggested that I attempt nursing OC, if my Dr. could give me something to start milk production again...I'd just stopped nursing 7 months prior (we'd read that nonlactating adoptive mothers could nurse w/great effort to get milk started). She should've given OC to me @birth....she would've surely been much healthier.

Anyway, if I hadn't given her my laundry secret...she'd have bought some God-awful fabric softener (that stinks like a french whore). I hated her previous fabric softener anyway...I had to smell it on OC & stuff didn't even wash out, after we launder her take-home clothes. I am very sensitive to perfume smells (sidenote: that's why OW quit wearing perfume during A#3 - as I smelled it on fWH & he claimed "new handsoap @work"). Her fabric softener or letting OC wear her perfume triggers me sometimes. Maybe OC won't stink like Gardenias & whatever else now.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Frustrated  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well hello i am new here. It has been a year and half since my DDay. I must say i got the OW from hell. She harassed us to the point where after all the police reports the DA's office pressed charges on her. All this was while she was pregnant. Well she gave birth april of 09 and that was the hardest moment of my life but i refuse to let her have my happiness. My husband has done everything he can to make things better for us. Paternity has been established and we are going NC cause she is not interested in us co parenting she is just interested in my husband. She does not know boundries it is miserable. Anyways i just wanted to say hello and glad i have the support of this board finally. I have lurked since our DDay.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((#1survivor))))))

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.

Chandler-praying for you. Having just gotten DNA 12/29, I know it is a huge blow to see that positive, hope you don't have to see that.

Beajus-I am not very far out, but people seem to make forgiveness out to be this magical, one time shift, where suddenly you're "over it", kind of like closure. On the practical side, maybe your FWH is not speaking your apology language. Gary Chapman, who wrote the 5 love languages wrote the 5 apology languages. Mine is making ammends, FWH could say he was sorry, remorseful, but he had to do the work it to make any difference to me. It took me almost 3 months to forgive FWH, I still feel the pain, still feel the anger sometimes, but a lot of the blame is gone. Gary Chapman said that forgiveness is a commitment, where you chose to not let the betrayal come between you. I have to remind myself that FWH actions and mindset are not the same as they were in A and pre D day. Hope this helps.

I may never forgive OW, I may chose to not let the pain and anger control me and give her power, but forgiveness? probably not. I think it is harder because if you see OW, there is no distance to put the A into perspective, plus, we love our SO but have no emotional ties to OW or get any gain from forgiving them?

OC has an upper respiratory infection, almost pneumonia. OW sent FWH a pic of OC getting a chest X ray, strapped in. She said something to the effect that she did not want to be the only one to see their son in agony. She was just mad he did not go to the Dr appt and she had to be the "bad guy". He gets little shitty comments like that often.

I have held down COM to get a CAT Scan when she was 18 mos old. I feel no sympathy for her. I do hope OC gets better, he was sent home with meds. Please send thoughts and prayers for him.

Also, I am going to CS hearing, even though I cannot go in, OW did not like that FWH and I are taking off work and are going to spend the rest of the day together.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
HowStrong3
♀ New Member
Member # 26721
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything was going pretty good until...Since a few days before Christmas my H has started to make the OC a part of our lives. She is 2 and up until then OW would not let him take her. This is all very new to us, but it has been going as good as can be expected. She likes coming over to our house, likes playing with the kids, and they like playing with her. The only downside of it is that OW says that she does not want her daughter around me, so I can not be in the car when he goes and picks her up/drops her off. I have accepted that I should not be in the car and instead make my H bring one of our children for the ride. OW does not know that I have been home everytime OC has come over. Which since Christmas has been one day a week. I figured that this was going to be really hard to adjust to, but that eventually we would all adapt. My children do not know her as thier sister, just as a friend. We have not told them yet, but I know that we are going to have to tell them very soon. We are just trying to get comfortable with the situation ourselves first. Last Friday when my H was taking OC home, he was going to bring our middle child with him, but she wasnt interested in going and he had to have OC home for a certain time because OW had plans and he didnt want to cause any problems with her. He left by himself. The next day we were relaxing most of the day and getting thinds done around the house. Then in the evening we got the kids in the car to go to the video store and I looked over at him (he was in the drivers seat) to say something and I saw something written on his window from the outside. I asked him what it was and he didnt know. I read what it said. "I <3 U 4 ever" My blood started to boil. I got very quite and didnt say another word for the rest of the car ride. When we got home I avoided him, I was so mad. I wasnt sure if I should be mad at him, since he did not write it, but I couldnt yell at her, so I took it out on him. We started arguing, he was saying that he had no control over her writing that. He sent her a txt in front of me asking her if she wrote that on his car. She replied yes. He asked her when and she said when she got the carseat out of his car. He then said something along the lines of are you trying to start trouble for me. She later sent him an email appoligizing and saying that he is doing the right thing by spending time with the OC and that she doesnt want to ruin that (um, hello!) and that she will not do anything like that again. I dont really know what to think. I think that she only sent that email to him afterwards to make herslef look better to him, not because she was sincere. Ugh! Why cant she go find her own man. Why does she have to be obsessed with MY H?! Isnt it enough that they share a child together, and that we have to deal with that for the rest of our lives? She could just move on and find another man and never have to look back and live happily ever after, we on the other hand will be forever scarred.


Me: BS
Him: WH
3 Beautiful Daughters
Ages 8,5 and 3
OC:Age 2

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: NY
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't give 2 craps what OW wants.. you go with every single time he picks up and drops off OC!!


She's testing boundaries... NOW is when you need to show you're a united front..


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Beajus!!

The OC isn't here yet, but WH and I have ready established that! OW cannot keep you from OC. She cannot! My WH and I will pick up OC in a public place...never (if we can help it) at either if our homes. And I will be with him. If I can't another family member will be.

OW can't dictate everything. You are a mother too.

Just my thoughts!

Best wishes Chandler!!


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Howstrong-

I don't give 2 craps what OW wants.. you go with every single time he picks up and drops off OC!!

I completely agree.

OWs need to be shown that the consequence of having a child with a married man is an automatic stepmother for their child.

No offense, but by us not going to pick ups/drop offs, and not presenting a "united front" 100% we may as well wave a white flag and show our bellies.

Should H ever decide he wants visitation with OC I will be at EVERY pick up/drop off, and I will get out and open the door for H and OC so she has to see ME. The doting stepmom. Devoted wife. EVERY TIME.

[This message edited by Want2help at 9:13 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
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