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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something OW and ILs set up. I did say that I did not have a problem with OW bringing OC to them (this is their property). FIL is disabled and cannot ride, sit for long and OC is 1 hr away plus her house is currently falling apart. They are staying with friends. I thought however, that OW would bring OC over there on a weekend, when FWH, COM and I are home. Then we could bring COM there and do the introduction. COM is really to young to understand, she is 3 but very immature 3, she may have autism spectrum we are getting her checked.

OW is playing too young and breastfeeding card. FWH does not want overnight visits until OC is 3.

I have decided that I cannot change any of this. I cannot take off work to stay with COM. What I can do is pick up a pizza when I get home ignore the housework and play with COM. I will show her that her mother cares about her and will always be there for her no matter how much her family life changes.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
Mandilwen
♀ Member
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I will show her that her mother cares about her and will always be there for her no matter how much her family life changes.

I really like this statement. It is what I am trying to do for my kids. I believe that family is more than just titles such as mother, brother, sister, father. It's the actions behind those words that give them meaning. I hope everything goes okay and you and your daughter have fun playing!


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning when I dropped off COM at IL's. I told MIL that if introductions are made, I wanted MIL to do them, I said that COM did not need to hear from stranger she has met once. MIL said they had not planned introductions, I said if OW starts them, to please take over. I also told FIL to be careful, mentioned the texts we were getting a few days ago. Said take care of COM.

Called FWH and told him what I said, felt better after ILs reassured me. FWH said it would be okay.

FWH called me back and said IL's cancelled visit. FWH said he guessed FIL would never see his grandson. Now I feel like crap. Did I overstep? I was only worried about COM and ILs being aware of boundaries. Maybe I just should have kept my mouth shut, let everyone tend to themselves. This sucks!

OC's dedication ceremony is Sunday and ILs may go to that so it's like they won't ever see him.

Where is the line between standing up for yourself and family and being crazy BS?


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they cancelled, that is on them, not you! They obviously didn't think your wishes could be followed, so be glad they cancelled.

((HUGS))


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Altered:

Don't feel bad if ILs cancelled the visit w/OC. Be glad that they are putting your M & COM first. If you feel really badly, just speak w/them & ask if they rescheduled for a weekend when COM wasn't around, or if they were somehow going to be able to get your disabled FIL to the dedication ceremony.

My ILs had told me they DIDN'T want to meet OC, but changed their mind when fWH brought OC home to meet her brothers. They did not attempt to meet OC prior to DNA proof & fWH was the one bringing OC over. Later contact w/OW & OW's family wasn't much appreciated by me...since OC is w/us every weekend once fWH was released from hospital (after an accident & had to suspend visitation for 6 wks)...it wasn't appropriate for her or OW's mother to be calling ILs (in my opinion), when they could get OC anytime they wished to (we are next-door). I told them it was inappropriate for MIL/SIL/niece to sit w/OW & her extended family, when fWH/I were at another table w/COM.

You guys could still do overnights, if OW is breastfeeding...I pumped @work for 6 months when I was breastfeeding DS10. It was no-problem for fWH to feed him during day & even daycare was willing to use bottled breastmilk when he went 2 daycare for a short time. No good/valid excuse for no overnights. OC could still do partial days @your home too.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:34 AM, January 14th (Thursday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BFing, doesn't preclude visits... I can understand OW not wanting to do overnights yet.. that is hard.

But yeah... she can pump (WIC offers them free if she says she cannot afford one). That would at least allow for a few hours.


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't get these OW, why do they feel like they are part of our extended families. If it was me personally I would not feel comfortable around the parents of the man, who I tried to destroy his mairraige, and place such havic on their son's or fathers life.

Why can't this OW just know that this is not appropriate behavior.

How can these ILs think this would be okay as well, why would they want to be around such an aweful person, with little character, or values for the sanctity of family, and marriage.

I am not trying to say we all have higher morals than all these people, but if the man is trying to repair thier marriage, why can't people see that these OW don't have a place in this family, yes the OC have every right to be involved, but should this not be the fathers position to involve the OC, not OW.

Is this kind of like a divorce that ended badly, and if ILs are still in standing with son then, it should be taken care of through the son, not some piece of shit. Excuse me.

I just don't get this stuff, and OW find this appropriate to be involved with a persons family that you tried to destroy, especially the mans parents.

Give it up tramp, this will not win him back, expecially if he did not wnat you because you were pregnant in the first place. "Let it go", move on , and out of our family circle.

Sorry, this shit just irritates the hell out of me, have been going round and round on this topic for some time, and not getting anywhere.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree! OW asked me for FWH's mom's phone number and i said UMMMMM NOOO!!! She said can i have her email and i siad NOOOOO and i dind't evne give her my MIL's last name!! I think they believe if they get in good with the parents then that will have some influence over the son or WS and that gives them a shred of hope to hang on for just a bit longer.

As for the IL's i don't know what is up with these people.. but if my IL's had opened their arms to the OW, one of my rules for R. would have been NC with the IL's.

I told my MIL about OW's request for her information and she said "Mother of god, tell me you didn't give it to her" LOL THAT is the response these IL's need to be having. If the IL's cannot respect the family unit, then they don't need to be invovled with it!

JMHO


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. OWs do not belong. OC are part of the family but OWs are not. There is no place for them and it is not appropriate. There are no boundaries with this woman.

However, if they knew what was appropriate, they would not be having A's or getting P with MM.

I for one would feel uncomfortable to say the least.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
nocoping
♀ New Member
Member # 27210
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oc was born 15 years ago. my child was born 1 month after ow. ow has been stalking us for 15 years and now the bastard is just as bad. ow is CRAZY. we move, she moves, my son plays basketball, hers does. she makes sure i see her or him every day. i can't take it anymore. next year the kids will be in the same high school and i don't think i can do this. i want to move but have elderly parents and sister in a nursing home. she has no family or job and is not from around here. please help!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2010
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were me I'd file a restraining order or at least get an attorney to send her a ceast and desist letter!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nocoping, I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I read your story in the other forum and it seems that you have done everything that you could to get away from this woman.

I seriously don't know what more you could do unless you go the route similar to the witness protection plan. Where the restraining orders put in place before you moved from one place to another? Does she leave records of her calls? I know you said she called your job repeatly. Does she call your business or your home? I don't understand how this could not show a pattern here.

I personally would get a video camera and point it at your drive away so that it records her coming down your road. That way the time and date stamp would be on it. She could not possibly claim to have a made a wrong turn more than once.I would consider getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) and connect it to both my business and phone and home phones to document the harrassment.

This is drastic but I would move my whole family somewhere away. Find out what it would take to move my family to another nursing home. I know that they don't know about this, but maybe they should, maybe you need their support. Does the OC harass you son at school?

I am so sorry I can't imagine what your family is going thru.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all I see some new people have joined us and I want to welcome them.

Now here is the update on my situation:

Went to court yesterday the court asked my H if he is the father (his name is not on the BC) He said he wasn't 100% sure so they asked if he wanted a paternity test (on the states dime) ANd of course we said yes. That will happen next week and then we go back to court in Feb. OW is pissed (poor baby..NOT!)

She did get a rude awakening though because when she entered the courtroom she stated that she wanted to sue for termination of rights and the said that she needs to do that through a private lawyer and she has to wait because now the state has the case. She is so stupid. So now I am praying that my H is not the father it's doubtful but I can always hope.

So for now we are in limbo.

She did look like crap and I looked GOOD. I was right by his side the whole time and I could see she was bothered by it. Seeing the look on her face after we asked for a paternity test was awesome.

Thanks for all the support you guys are the best!

[This message edited by Chandler at 7:34 AM, January 15th (Friday)]


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad that went down the way it did Chandler. It was for the best. Because now she loses some of the control. If the OC is not his, then no more dealing with her, if he is the father, then she can't totally control everything. Also she can file for termination of rights, but they more than likely will not grant it unless she has another man to become the father and if your H is willing to be a parent, they definately won't approve it. One of the reasons she was pissed.

So the next 4-6 weeks we will keep you in our thoughts while you are awaiting the results. It sounds like you handled the situation gracefully. Good for you, I know it was hard.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:23 AM, January 15th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Going2MakeIt
♀ New Member
Member # 27225
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I'm new to posting here, but have been reading for months....

Anniversary to Dday is tomorrow and actually reliving it all and having rough few days.

My story...a few years ago my husband and I were having problems. Not going to make excuses but I started talking to someone, ended up being a PA that lasted quite a while. My husband suspected all along but I kept denying. He actually caught me with OM(not being physically but just gave him more proof I was lieing) After that he starting talking to a girl that had brought problems into our marriage a year before. At that time, H had met her through work and was just texting her, that all ended within 2 weeks when I saw the cell phone bill and confronted him. Anyway, he started talking to her again, when he caught me. His affiar with her only last a few months, was strictly sex and mostly her texting him, He had no feelings for her, he was confused and mad at me. Not giving him excuses either just trying to have you understandd my story.

She wanted more, always had. he tried to end it, they were together one more time, a few weeks later and guess what she ended up pregnant. He thinks she tricked him and tried to get pregnant.

He stopped seeing her, he stopped going out completely. We were still fighting alot as I was still in middle of my A. I was in my own little world not thinking of anyone else but myself. It lasted another 8 months and it was destroying my life, my marriage, the fighting was hurting my kids.

I finally came out of the fog and stopped all contact with OM. My H and I started really working on our marriage, I know about the ow but didnt know she had had my H's baby. We were getting our marriage back and falling in love again then.....

One yr ago tomorrow, Dday, he was basically forced to tell me the truth. She had gone after him for CS months earlier and now it was going to be taking out of his paycheck, he had to tell me.

We have been working hard to R since, it's been bumping at times, but he is doing all he can reassure me, love me, and comfort me. It's just still hard. He has NC w/ ow or oc. I still obsess over her, check her out on myspace, we've emailed each other, some nice and some not so nice email.
I know I need to try and move on, But there is a kid out there that is my H's. We have 2 boys and he is an amazing father. I just always thought I would be the only one to have his babies, you know?

So there's my story...sorry so long...Just thought it was time to share, since so many of your stories and words of advice have helped me over the last year while reading all your posts. Thank you


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2010
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Going and NoCoping
Hugs to you both.

Going, NC is something you both have to be comfortable with. I know it is hard not to obsess about OW, it is like they took a piece of your family that was supposed to be only for you. C can begin at any stage, if later you or H change your minds, children do not remember C when they are very young anyway.

Visiting with OC is very important to my FWH, but every person is different. Talk about how you both feel. It sounds like you and H are working hard on your M. Transparency and open communication are so important.

No coping, I agree with the others about documenting. The only other thing I can think of is maybe hiring a PI to document the harassment? It's so hard when they stay just short of blatantly breaking the law.

Hugs to you both


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I have stepped into the Twilight Zone. I know we should not project our emotions, logic etc. on others, but I have to ask. Who brings their 4 wk old baby on a date?

OW texted FWH with OC news, he rolled over etc. and mentioned she had a date Sat. FWH did not care, but did ask where OC would be, OW said with her. FWH said keep a watch on OC. WTH?! I said he should've said if they are going to drink, make sure someone watches OC.

Does this strike anyone else as out there? Of course everything OW does is out there to me.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who brings their 4 wk old baby on a date

OOOOO OOOO A question I know the answer to!! Whores do!!!
Because they lack basic principles and morals! Your OW is gonna be like mine and NOT get that it's bad for the kid to be exposed to a differant man every week.

Poor OC's! They didn't ask for this shit and their mothers just are not good for them in most cases. We all know that with such loose morals, it bleeds into other aspects of their lives beyond sleeping with married men :(


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our OW did it when OC was about 4 weeks... to a dirt race track. The kind ADULTS wear ear plugs and goggles to (I went once, sat in the back row, was miserable, dirt was floating through the air, got in my hair and ultimately clogged one of my tear ducts & I had to go to the doctor).

Guess where OW and OC sat? The front row. Not the behaviour of a concerned, attentive mother, if you ask me.

To some OWs, these are not children in the emotional sense us moms feel. They are trinkets from the affair. Similar to Monica Lewinsky and her blue dress.

[This message edited by Want2help at 5:34 PM, January 15th (Friday)]


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1944 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2Help

To some OWs, these are not children in the emotional sense us moms feel. They are trinkets from the affair. Similar to Monica Lewinsky and her blue dress.

This can not be more true, that was a great comment, love it.

However, I have never raised my own children, and find these women to have inappropriate mother skills for the OC, they were all ploys, as a selfish act to win the hearts of men that's heart were already spoken for.

Welcome new members, sorry you find yourself here, but we all share something in common, sad but true!!!! Lean on us, or ask away and we will help as much as possible..

This site and forum has helped in so many areas of construction and healing of me and my marriage. I will tell you it is tough, and sometimes very rewarding. But each moment is that a moment, take baby steps(No pune intended, LOL) at first then look for bigger steps, they will come.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
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