You're dealing with this, with so much class and grace hon! Just don't ever let your guard down around OW.
MIL/FIL had never been very warm toward DS10, as I think they believe I tricked fWH into having him (they didn't know about A#1 w/OW, which was pre-DS10's conception during HB). They never hugged on my son, never wanted him to just be "brought up" to see them like they'd done w/DS13. They probably only saw him <8 times the year he was born & they live next door.
I have video to prove it....that MIL held OC (a girl) during the whole opening presents thing of Christmas 2001, helping her open...and, fWH & DS10 sat over against a wall...opening presents together & I sat w/DS13 opening (DS13 was 5 & DS10 had only just turned 2 on OC's first Christmas w/us - she was 11 months).
It really hurt, to see how MIL acted toward OW/fWH's daughter, when she'd never been that way w/my son. I guess I thought that COM would matter more, than COA. I honestly think, that my ILs believe that he's not fWH's son or something, because they knew we were having marriage problems. OC & DS10 could've been twins they looked so much alike....I don't think they much liked DS10 & they only took care of him in 2005 because fWH was hospitalized for 6 weeks & they ran my mom off (they were remodelling the house so fWH's wheelchair would fit doorways & adding a ramp to the porch). I will never understand why, they acted nicer to OC than to my child. Maybe I am the stumbling block that keeps fWH from having WHO he wants or they think OW would make him happier. I think they've always thought badly of me, for wanting a career & actually finishing high school & getting a degree (B.S.). They are old-school & think a woman's place is in-the-home. WHAT would their precious son have done, if I'd been SAHM & he got hurt and was on 60% pay for short-term disability? How on earth would we ever been able to support ourselves on the small amount of savings we had aquired? Much of what would have normally gone into savings (before OC), now went to child support & the added expense of having OC w/us 3-4 days per week. We only missed 1 payment the whole time fWH was on std (6 months & that's because OW told us not to send one).
I refuse to be nice to OW again....I let my guard down for so many years...and see what it got me? EA/PA#3!!!!
Oh, BTW. Incase I didn't mention, both fWH's STD screenings in Dec08 & mine last month were good. No STDs for me & no sign of HPV. Even my very first mammogram was good. Pesky high cholesterol that didn't even go down w/losing 35 lbs. though.
AND, I snuck a peek @my Christmas gift. I asked for in-expensive diamond earrings to wear on date nights (few & far btwn).....he spent most of his MAD-MONEY he had left from his layoff. The diamonds are even bigger than my engagement ring he'd bought when we were only 17 & 19-years-old (poor guy made regular payments every paycheck until he got out-of-layaway/////you know, when we were young, honeymoon part of dating, stupid, before all this CRAP ever started, when I was still on my pedestal wearing my halo).
I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD CHRISTIAN STEPMOM...sometimes, I am the wicked stepmother in OC's eyes, like when we ground her for backtalk/misbehaving & take her TV cable (even moved the TV out last week). Just pray for us, is all I can think.
I think about your struggles guys, if A#3 had never happened...I was feeling comfortable w/OC's existence (after almost 8 years). Stupid husband....I'd never have needed SI & OC support. Being around OC & OW, just became much harder last year. It's not OC's fault, but it happened.
It's been 7 hrs and i'm still so mad i shake on and off...
Hug the boys on Christmas & tell yourself, no thinking of OW today!
Anyway, I'm mostly pissed because she's using OC to get to fWH yet again. She's supposed to call me or text me, unless actual emergency!!!!
Why can't she just go NC...it was going so well until ballgames started. Why couldn't she have texted me????
I've puked, screamed cried etc etc etc.....
Merry fucking christmas to us
Go to general to see what she's gettin for christmas LOL
Merry Christmas OC, wherever you may be..I hope your mother did something special for you and made this a great first christmas for you if she can ever see past her own selfishness.... Your brothers asked soo many questions the past 48 hrs. about you..... we really really love miss you baby girl!!
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Now it's time to get a lawyer and legally enforce visitation!!!
WH is visiting for the holidays and he and older daughter got into it. She really let him know how she feels about everything he did. And she mentioned that WH loved the OC more because WH moved out of state to be with him. Son said something hurtful to WH, so WH turned around and told them that he does love the OC more.
WH acts like a little kid in that the kids said some hurtful things to him, so he responded the same way. He's always spouting the bible so I asked him what God would expect of him. He couldn't answer. I told him that God would expect him to lead by example.
The way he is with the kids turns them off and causes them to dislike him. I mentioned to him that if his intention was to inspire hate, he was on the right track. And that whether the statement he made about OC was true or not, it was the most hurtful thing to say. He told me that it wasn't true, but how can you trust an established liar?
He wants to come back, but I am to the point that I can do better without him. I just graduated last week on friday and have one more year for my Bachelor's Degree. I definitely don't need the hassles that WH comes with. I don't believe that affair partners should be in contact with each other. WH mentioned to me that OW told him she still loves him. Now if you are only talking about the OC, how could that come up in conversation?
You guys who deal with this situation when there is contact are very brave. But don't you get tired of the bs after a while? My kids wish the OC well, but they want nothing to do with him. I realized that I don't need WH living here and leaving to visit the OC and bringing hurt down on my kids. I have to do what is best for me and the kids no matter what.
FWH never left us to visit OC it was Al done at our home, so we all had a chance to bond. My kids are little though. They are used to having baby siblings LOL So OC was no big deal. As they get older things will get tougher as will their questions though.
Yes i am very tired of OW's BS. But i love OC so i'm willing to deal. Not put up with but deal with her through the legal system. I put up with her bull shit for a while and when i stood my ground she took off with the baby. I'm soooo angry at her for hurting my children. i think that is the toughest thing. She didn't just hurt me, she hurt my children and OC!
Did any of your WH try to make it work with the OW for the sake of the OC? Or where they committed to you the entire time?
When WH told me about OC, I was willing to work it out with him IF he was still committed to us. Of course, he was a fence sitter AND cake eater. Then I took the cake away...anyway...he was telling me that he was trying to do the right thing for the OC by trying to make it work with OW.....he realizes now that he can't and doesn't want to. That he can't let go of me. That he wants me in his life.....I just don't know now. SO MANY LIES! SO MANY BETRAYALS....
Did anyone deal with this???
I am so lost right now guys. I don't even know what I am doing...Please. Any insight will help.
fWH was trying to be "friends" afer A#1 (then had A#2). He was trying to remain polite w/OW for years & years...see what that got me, A#3.
I completely believe in our situation, NC is the only way. Even the limited renewed contact for OC's games, have started the calls over again from OW. On Christmas day, OW's toddler daughter called fWH through her sister OC to say "Thank you Caity's Daddy for the Christmas presents." We always get OC's sister something small. How come she didn't call me? I was the one who picked it out!
Oh, BTW! I completely over-reacted about the Santa letter phone call last week. It wasn't OC's mother who called...it was fWH's mother (MIL). I think I just had been expecting her to call yet again (because her call on that Monday & insisting in talking to fWH while I wasn't home)...that I was just freaking out when he said OC & mom/mother.
Christmas was good.
Weird thing happened @park during pickup on Christmas Eve:
Wednesday evening (4:30pm). I showed up @park to get OC from OW (BH#2 & toddler). There was a man & two young kids (boy/girl) with the kids riding bikes & playing on swings & climbing equipment (figured it was maybe their Christmas gifts & maybe a single dad w/joint custody or something). While OC was jumping in the van, the man & his kids loaded their bikes in the truck & the two kids got inside the truck. OC & I started to back out. The man walks into the middle of the parking lot, up to my car. I was concerned that maybe they needed my cell or something (thinking maybe a dead battery, since his truck door was open & the kids inside). I didn't see a weapon. I rolled down the window & asked if he needed something. This isn't word-4-word, but this is what he said sorta:
GOD is working for you. He knows your need and he is working on it. He loves you. Do you know GOD as your friend? He hears you and hasn't forgotten about you. As you pulled in before, I felt a coldness come over the park. I just felt guided to tell you that GOD loves you and is working on your need.
May I ask, are you still with WH?
What kind of boundaries do you have with him now?
It seems my WH while he was kicked out of the house, was trying to see if he could really be with OW for the OC. He didn't want his OC to have a broken home. But he couldn't give me up and NOW wants to give me everything I want for our M and to R.
I am just so lost. We don't have any children of our own, I don't know what I am doing!? Why do I want to put myself through this when I don't have to!?
Damn love it strong.
Please help, guys...you are the only ones who truly understand at this point.
Yes, I am still w/fWH. I had been dealing w/OC all these years, but I'd mostly been pickup. No calls etc, unless place/time/person had changed. BH#2 & OW separated for a short while (not related to fWH issues) & that's when EA#3 started. fWH was calling to check on OC & I think it continued even after she moved back in w/BH#2. BH#2 never knew that OC was related to multiple months of As until I told him when I suspected A#3. @some point, EA#3 turned into PA#3 & all the lovey-dovey stuff.
D-day week, he admitted to sexting & sending nudes to/from OW. I started thinking about divorce & had even contacted my brother to ask to borrow money for downpayment on apartment, but I hadn't planned on filing yet. That Thurs, fWH was supposed to go "4-wheeling" w/the boys. He stopped by my work before & hugged & kissed me (very odd) and didn't leave until 10am or so. He called around 12noon & said he was home (left 4-wheeling early). That his mom was cooking dinner for us, to stop by there on way home. He was passionate that night, like never before in years. Telling me how much he loved me, that he wanted to work things out, that he'd never have anything to do w/OW. I was happy. I wasn't thrilled about the sexting etc, but hoped the PA which I suspected, hadn't gone that far.
Well, OW texted me next day. That BH#2 kicked her out, that it'd be easier to be w/fWH & that fWH loved her. I was completely broken. I called fWH & he confirmed my worst fear...that they'd been having EA/PA again. I called my brother, he took $$$ from his checking account, took it to lawyer for me, & they faxed me a retainer agreement. I called fWH & told him I was filing for divorce & had appt. that next week.
Needless to say, fWH came 2 my work, crying, bawling, begging. He's never done that b4...not even when OC was expected. I left work early & went home after I got DS13 from school @3pm. He begged, bawled, sobbed, held his chest in panic attack. Asking me to not leave him, that he didn't realize how much he loved me until I said the D-word. That he'd broken up w/her the day b4 & that's why he made love to me so passionatly...that he could not imagine losing me, after being together for 19 years. Our 15-year anniversary was the next month. After a moving sermon @church about family & being in w/the pigs & still having a family welcome you back. I decided to try. It has not been easy. I learned things about the first 2 affairs & OC being a planned pregnancy (on both parts). Everything that I'd been lied to about, makes R#3 much more difficult. I still don't know some days if I made the right decisions. OW harrassing me @ballgames last year almost did-me-in.
I stayed after A#1, thinking that since he blamed me for being uninterested in sex, that it truly was my fault. I wanted 1 more child w/him, because I believed he is/was a good father & I want all my kids to be his (as I was planning on getting tubes tied after 2 kids). I believed that DS10 was fWH's second chance with me. Unfortunately, OW would not go away. fWH insisted on remaining friends w/OW during my pregnancy (after a short period of NC when he broke-up w/her). I should have put my foot down. OC might not have been here, or he might have left me instead. I do really love fWH, but sometimes, I'm not sure there's enough of me left....I'm not the happy-go-lucky person I used to be w/fWH. I am a bitter woman, untrusting, holding grudges, cannot give myself completely to him. My mom & best friend tell me, that until I forgive him for the 3 affairs, I will never be happy w/him. I am trying...but, the fact that he has no real remourse for A#1/A#2, gives me no incentive for forgiveness. That he never forgave me for the online sex b4 we got married, makes me wonder why I should forgive him.
For the most part, fWH is trying. He was trying very hard until his layoff & is depressed, I think now.
fWH & I have gone through many things (Jan1 will be the anniversary of his accident & his paraplegia)...I just don't know sometimes, if staying...trying to be stepmom to OC, dealing w/OW...is worth it. I feel very fortunate that I have a nice home, two loving parents for my sons, & a great job that I usually enjoy. I guess, I have grown accustomed to fWH being around after 20 years...and don't really know how to NOT be with him.
P.S. there were lots of tears etc. this time...as I didn't feel like I even cared to hold back for his sake & the kids. They saw every blubbering, bawling, red-faced, minute of what I felt. They saw fWH crying & such over me also on D-day. DS13, remember is very well and felt like fWH is sincere. I hope so. I still have a retainer in-place w/the best lawyers in the county...but, I don't want to have to ever use that $2500 retainer. Just knowing it's there, makes me feel like I have more power over my situation though.
My H tried to be the OW's friend before I found out about the A and the OC. Trying to be somewhat of a good father is what kept him in the relationship for so long. It was finally him that told me the truth because he was sick of living the lie. Once we began to R, it took sometime but my H realized that he couldn't be nothing to the OW, not even her friend, and after founding out all the shit she had done, he now wouldn't want to be.
Your marriage can not survive with him having any kind of contact with OW unless it is contact that you are involved in and it is control on your end. Children are born into broken homes everyday and there are children whose parents are divorced. They have issues yes, but it can be overcame. There is no excuse for him to be more than a parent to the OC unless he wants more.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 12:31 PM, December 28th (Monday)]