Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elizablue (43208)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How and when did your WS tell you about the OC?

A week after I found out about the affair, the OW called us both and told us.. we thought she was lying at first but it turns out she was not....


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out because I got an anonymous letter telling me that my H had been having an A and had and OC with this woman. OW later admitted that she had a friend send it. OC was 6 weeks old and OW was pissed that my H hadn't played daddy. When I called my H and confronted him (we were in the process of moving 200 miles away and he had to start his new job already), he tried to deny it at first but finally fessed up.

I'm sorry for everyone's pain right now. This time of year is hard for me too. OC's b-day is next week and D-day is in Jan. Just so many triggers. Blah! We've really made an effort to start new traditions and make new memories for us and our kids though. I don't want our COM to remember me always being sad at Christmas time.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW showed up at my and my H's work (we worked together at the time) about 3 months after 2 day, and 1 month into R and waited for us at our car- luckily H found her before I knew anything was up, because I don't know what I would have been capable of doing. It was obvious she expected him to leave me, as when he told her he wanted nothing to do with her and would not participate in raising OC, she pretty much flipped out.

I had a co-worker come up and tell me my H was talking to some girl with "shaggy bleached yellow hair" in the parking lot and immediately knew who it was. I confronted him, he told me we would talk about it at home, claimed she just "wanted to talk". I knew this was a lie, and went to a co-workers house after work. I immediately began to get texts from my H's adult daughter saying "Tell my dad I said congratulations on the great news". I guess I just sort of knew right then. I called my stepd and OW was there. I actually spoke to her on the phone, it was like talking to a 13 year old who was up late high on mountain dew. Her and my stepd giggled and thought it was soooo funny. She kept insisting she was "so happy" to be pregnant by my H, and how I "must be so jealous" of her. She literally spent most of the conversation laughing at me and giggling. I had no idea at this time my H had told her he wanted no part in raising a child with her, so I was reasonable and stayed rational (it was so hard not to tell her just what I thought of her). I told her she was ridiculous if she thought I had any reason to be jealous of her, as she was 20 and would soon be raising a baby alone, when she told me she got pregnant because thought he would leave me "for good" and marry her. That is when I got to laugh.

I ignored most of it and told her I would arrange for my H to contact her about being present at the next appt, as she was about to go in for the u/s where you find out the sex. When I got home I confronted him, with every intention of leaving him right there. I told him he had ruined our life together.

Well, H told me he had no intention of contacting her, and would not be present in the child's life. I was sure he would change his mind, but now that OW has spent the last 2.5 years harassing me (not him, the man who spawned this child), and turning his adult daughters against him and I, I think he resents the very idea of OC. I don't think he will ever change his mind. Sad for OC, but truly, that is a chance you take when you have a child with a man you know is in a relationship.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, on a much brighter note, OW is pregnant again, and not by my husband!

After a "pregnancy scare" with another MM earlier this year (she is claiming her IUD "fell out"- right) I knew she would be trying to get pregnant again.

She is now with 19 year old fresh out of high school. She has been seeing him since June or July and he just announced on FB that she is pregnant.

Her and her slutty uterus are officially someone else's problem.

The way I look at it, BEST case scenario, they marry, she is happy and goes away... maybe he even adopts OC, who knows? He already refers to himself as OC's "daddy" despite having been with OW for only 6 months or so. WORSE case scenario, he dumps her, then she has someone else to obsess over. Maybe those are both wishful thinking, but I have to attempt to stay positive. It's the only thing that gets me through the day.

[This message edited by Want2help at 6:15 PM, December 7th (Monday)]


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LiveYourTruth)))))

Welcome to the club that no one wants to belong to.

My FWH told me about 2 weeks after he found out OW was P. The A happened in March, he was told about P in June, before Father's day. I was told 6/27. It was devastating. You will find a lot of support and information on this forum. Some days, it is the only safe place to let things out for me.

OW called FWH Sunday and told him that OC was not moving and she was going to the ER. Her mucus plug fell out over a week ago and Dr thought she may have been losing too much fluid. She texted FWH and said asked if a procedure was done on OC, would he be present, FWH asked what it was. OW said that the Dr thought OC was breech and may have to be manually turned which could risk the OC. Why they are doing this a week before they are inducing I have no idea. FWH asked why will Dr just not do a C section when OC delivered if he is breech. OW said they were trying to respect her wishes to have OC natural, but if FWH did not want to come, she would do it on her own.

FWH said that if the procedure needed done, he would be there, he was just asking. It is like no one can question anything she does or she gets all pissed off. FWH was angry at her attitude and said if OW tries to threaten him with not seeing OC if she gets mad (I can so see that happening) he will just pay his CS and not worry about it, he cannot control OW. This was after OW was complaining that she has not heat in her house as her dad did not get her wood heater pipe put in and it cost to much to run her central heat. Like what did she want FWH to do? Put on his cape and race over there?!

OW did go to the Dr Monday and said OC is not breach, also asked FWH if he wanted to come to hospital the day OC is born, or come out after. I told FWH that he needed to be there in case he had to make a decision regarding the OC's health if OW is unable to. I will be glad when this P is over. If OW wants to risk her health, I am all for it, but she should think more of her baby than she does.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2help,

Don't really let your guard down about OW (even though she's pregnant by a new man). My fWH went back for some CAKE last year. She'd married BH#2 after OC was born, even had daughter w/BH#2. EA/PA#3 wasn't a complete shock, but after all we'd gone through about OC in 2000/2001 & then fWH becoming paraplegic in 2005, I realized that OW would never give up her feelings for fWH & he was pretty good @hiding his feelings for her for a long time (I knew all along that OW still loved fWH or why else would she call fWH b4 marrying BH#2...to see if he was separating or divorcing, as she'd call off marriage).

Anyway...I was so glad that fWH didn't impregnate OW again last year...as he didn't think condoms were necessary (since he's paraplegic & things don't work like they used 2 - plus he figured she was clean since she'd only slept w/her husband & whoever else since 2000).

As many can back me up on this, some OW don't stop...even after OC is born & your husband doesn't leave you for her.

Some unfortunate souls have multiple OC (spaced years apart)...by same OW. Doesn't it just make U want to force fWH to get vasectomy as part of R????


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I debated putting vasectomy on my R list!

But that would have just punished me, as I want to have another child. However, we have both decided that FWH will have vasectomy after I have 2nd COM, even if I have tubes tied. But, we have to get past D Day antiversary first, not to mention OC birth, DNA, etc. What a long row to hoe!


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhm, OW's pregnancy came to light 1 month into R. I also want 1 more COM, but once that child is born, FWH goes under the knife. That WAS a condition of R.

Not because I am afraid of the possibility of another OC, but because should we divorce and both remarry, I want to be sure that my children are his last. This probably sounds selfish of me, I know, but I don't give a ****. I'm just looking out for my children.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good news!

Went to Christmas recital/singing @elem. school for OC. OW, BH#2, & OW's mother showed up (don't know where her 4-yr-old sister was though). fWH saw them come in @back of gym, but I didn't bother looking around & even when OC went to tell them goodbye @end, I didn't see any of them. OC almost forgot they were @gym, as she was ready to go to the Book Fair in the school library when we reminded her to go see her OTHER family before they left.

Yay! Yay! Yay! I wasn't compelled to glare @OW or her family & I actually got to enjoy the concert. fWH made me change into a nice sweater (looks good on me) & some tight jeans, then wore my black leather tailored-looking jacket. fWH said I looked good & should stand up to film the performance so OTHERS could see me...I didn't, but I'm glad he said it. He said, "I'm proud of the way you look."

Send me some good vibes. OC has 2 ballgames Saturday (12noon & 7pm). OW said she isn't going to 1st game (it's farther away), but that she will be @game#2. I don't know who'll show up, but my mom's going to take the boys tonight & most of Saturday for DS10's b-day stuff (he really hates going to ballgames & mom has been whining about seeing him).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sending prayers and good vibes your way!


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Game #1 good, no OW. We got skunked...OC very depressed afterwards (0 to 20).

Got skunked @2nd game also (6 to 22+, they quit scoring for other team...don't know actual score). OC made a basket during game & many were made during warmup.

OW, BH#2, & toddler showed up @end of Q1 (they live near us, don't know why they were so late...maybe play practice for toddler @church). They sat way-way-way far away from us. I could barely see OW. But, I did note that when she's alone @that gym w/toddler, she lets her run wild all over the place...with BH#2 there, she didn't even let toddler off bleachers.

I did make one mistake though, I should've gone over w/fWH to talk to coach after game (to see about practices this week). After he's been over there about 2-3 minutes, OW prances right over (her husband already gone outside w/toddler) & talks to coach only 1 ft from fWH. I know she did it on purpose, as she could've waited until fWH came back over 2 me....but, at least she didn't sit behind us @game. BH#2 still hasn't cussed fWH or anything for banging his wife for months & months (or sexting & sending nude picturemails back&forth). Doesn't fWH deserve a good cussing...since I didn't give him one, shouldn't OW's husband???? I mean, BH#2 held fWH's head after his motorcycle accident...him spitting out blood & all....would he have been so nice to fWH, if he'd known any of the truth about A#1/A#2 (her leaving BH#1 for fWH during A#1)...if he even suspected his wife EVER loved fWH (was told it was ONS).

Anyway...probably another game this weekend.

One thing that bothers me completely. OC said that her sister's play @church was this Sunday. fWH would have allowed OC to leave early this weekend to go to her sister's play, but OW never even asked. I am hoping that OC is wrong about the date & it's next weekend (when OC is back w/them for a whole week - except for Christmas Eve/Morning until 10am). Toddler didn't even see OC singing @school, due to play practice last Thursday night. That would be so sad, if OC didn't get to see toddler in play...when she COULD have. If that's the case, I just wonder if OW is pulling away from OC again, and making the 3 of them a little family w/out OC. I mean, fWH would be happy if OW gave OC to him full time, but I would be sad for OC to feel abandoned by her "real" mom.

On a BAD note, OC threw a temper tantrum @Wal-mart yesterday. I had to drag her out & take her home. Didn't get any of the shopping done (needed dry goods etc & then planned to go to FoodLion). Now, OC is grounded (no TV - removed it from her room, no Xbox360, no PSP)....plus fWH had to spank her because she wouldn't even get out-of-car @home. I had to drag her out w/help of DS13 (boy, is she strong). Had to call fWH to get her out @Wal-mart, then she was kicking her shoes off in lobby saying they HURT, DS13 was about to get a buggy for me & she pushed it about 3 ft in front of him. Pulled her forcefully out-of-store, got to car, had to push her inside...know all the people thought I was kidnapping her. So I loudly said "do you want me to call Daddy so you'll get in the car Sis?" She is almost as-tall as me @8-yr-old (I'm 5ft2in) & weighs about 110 lbs.

On a good note, fWH was very affectionate this weekend...but, in the back-of-my-head, I am just worried that since he saw OW Thursday & Saturday (hasn't seen her except once since March)...that he's only interested in me because he saw/desired her. I know, that's just silly, but it is very odd that they went NC completely last year (but had to see her Oct-March due to OC's games)...and his intimate behavior toward me lulled until this weekend. I hope it's just the holiday cheer instead of longing for her/settling for me. I did look good pretty good @2nd game though (reshowered after tanning bed Saturday & redid makeup & hair).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Send thoughts and prayers my way for tomorrow. Tomorrow they are inducing OW. FWH and I will be at the hospital. I am not going into the room, I am waiting out in the waiting room, hopefully away from OW's relatives. It promises to be a long day. I am trying to psyche myself up. I did not sleep last night, but will tonight even if I have to take a Tylenol PM.

This too shall pass.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((altered)) Sending thoughts and prayers your way. You will get thru this. Remember once you leave the hospital, you can scream your head off. I know it is going to be hard and hopefully OW's family will stay out of your way.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
brkn3+1
♀ New Member
Member # 26599
Target  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if I don't know what I want?

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Iowa
brkn3+1
♀ New Member
Member # 26599
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I was supposed to say how I found out.

I found out about the first A in April. We separated for a few months. I moved back with my father, while He went through two women living in OUR home, one for a week until she got her own place and He kicked the second HW out after about 3 weeks and asked me if we could work through this.
I decided I wanted to make our relationship work and while I still stayed at my father's, we went on dates and had lengthy discussions about the infidelity, our relationship problems, our future... Everything seemed to be working. We were commmunicating better. We were trying the "transparancy" thing, as it's called on the SI website. And for the first time in a very long time I felt secure.

Not even 3 months into our reconciliation, the tramp leaves a note on the bar in our kitchen while we were out. It said she HAD to talk to him. I found the note first, or so I thought and my heart sank. I knew then that she was pregnant.

Ironically it had been a part of our discussion one night... I asked Him what He would do if HW was pregnant. He told me she couldn't be and not to worry. So I didn't.

We both had plans that evening so I knew I wouldn't see him until late so I pushed the thought from my mind and focused on a fun night with my girlfriends at karaoke

After karaoke 2 of the girls and I decided to stop at one of their houses and make a midnight snack... lol
while the pizza was cooking my friends both recieved a text message at the same time from a gossip friend of "ours." I say "ours" because I wasn't sent the message.

It stated that OW1 is pregnant and doesnt know the father, but it wasn't my H. and OW2 is pregnant and the father was my H.

I couldn't move. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to hear that it was all a lie. My stomach twisted in knots as I remembered the note on the table that day. The ride home was the slowest it had ever been that night. I entered my home and found my H and a friend in the living room. I asked Him when he was going to tell me about this. He said He just found out that night too. I went to bed. I couldn't eat or move or speak.

The next few days are a blur. I don't know how but I survived that. He begged me to stay and promised we could make it work, and at that point I believed him. But now everyday is harder and harder. I find new things to hate about the OW and new reasons not even to want to deal with the OC. It's a struggle and before I found this website. I felt really alone. I felt like no one knew what this situation felt like.

I don't want my H to have anything to do with this baby. But I feel terrible for wanting that. I am so torn! Someone Help.

[This message edited by brkn3+1 at 9:49 PM, December 14th (Monday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to repost the OC Handbook for our new members so you don't have to go all the way back to pg. 5. These are some very good suggestions on how to handle this and came from some of our members. We can survive this.

Below are some helpful starters for "newbies":
OC HANDBOOK (courtesy Me&My3)

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a pseudo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibility of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.

FAQs wrt OW/OC:

Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE

A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.

Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.

It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 separate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.

The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables

Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.

This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:


NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.

Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.

Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.

Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.

Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohh altered

((HUGE HUGS)) I"ll be thinking of you all day tomorrow.
Maybe take a laptop to the hospital to talk to us from to vent to etc...
The day OC was born I wouldn't have made it through without being able to post here!!!
YOu CAN do this! It will be ok!!


brkn3+1
I'm in Iowa too :)

I'm sorry you're here.
THere is no right or wrong way to feel about the OC. Don't beat yourself up over not wanting the child or your husband to have contact :) keep venting and posting hon

(HUGS)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Altered, I'm thinking of you!!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Frustrated  Posted: 10:39 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((altered))))

You are in my prayers today. I don't think I could've handled me or fWH being @hospital w/OW & her boyfriend (now BH#2). I was seeing treatment (IC) for severe depression @ so thankful that OW was so pissed @fWH that she didn't even tell him that she was in-labor. She called him after she got home w/OC from hospital & fWH paid for DNA the very next week @ an out-of-town somewhat local hospital who does DNA as an outpatient type service (paid $500 cash).

I was so worried he'd hold her hand during delivery & she rags on him today (before NC was in place) for not being there, but she never really gave him the option, did she? If fWH had played the happy-go-lucky father & OW's support during labor, I don't think I would have been able to say w/him & continue R. He was with me during both deliveries & I cannot imaging him being there for her like that. I almost had a nervous breakdown by-the-time OC was born. I had just started IC about 1 week b4 birth & I was in really bad shape. I honestly didn't care if I lived anymore & wasn't giving my children the type of care that they needed or the love they deserved. I slept & cried, when I wasn't @work and attempted to care for my kids. fWH was on night shift & he never really saw the pain I was in, as I hid it from him in attempts to keep our family together. After A#3, I do not hide my anguish any longer....he needs to bear my pain & see what he's done to me & our family. I had blow-ups after A#1/A#2/OC, but he never saw the utter helplessness & pain he'd caused me. I'm not so sure that IC might have tried to have me committed, if she hadn't been able to bring me around & out of my depression somewhat.

(((brkn3+1)))

I'm so sorry you're here & maybe there's still some hope that OW#2 child isn't his? What about OW#1, is there a chance that her baby is his as well? As you know, R after As is a rollercoaster anyway...adding OC to the mix, just makes it even harder. Some on here go NC completely & just pay CS, other get joint custody or full custody of OC. Take things 1 step @a time & verify paternity first, then the decision for him to go NC is his....you may choose NC for yourself or COM (if any exist), but his choice to be a parent to OC, is his to make...but, let him know how you feel & whether you will take part in anything to do about OC. These decisions can be made later...take care of your mental health first.

GOD BLESS YOU!


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am posting from my kindle. i am in the nursery waiting room and have not seen the ow family. fwh has been very supportive. he is back and forth. ow has high bp and they are watching the oc closely. i am holding up surprisingly well. i have just prepared myself for how awful it would be. i am giving myself the whole way home to fall apart. i try not to think past right now.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.