WE know OW is NOT a stellar mother so I'm worried about OC as well.
The boys want to know where little sister is and all i can do is mumble things about "OW" and what a bitch she is...
I know it is hard when you get so attached. Now you guys have to seriously sit down and discuss how you want to proceed with this because once you start there is no going back. I am so sorry that you are going thru this.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:26 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)]
Sorry your poor babies had to deal with that crap it's soo NOT FAIR.
I know she's not out and out abusing her.. but she just isn't the best mother.. does just enough to get by and enough so it doesn't interrupt her sleep or her social life
Right now we're kinda stuck because we need to come up with the rest of the retainer for the attorney before we can go after OW for full custody and with christmas coming up etc.. it's going to take a long time to get that money :(
Our poor baby girl :(
For the first time in years VD (OW) is taking the kids for the holiday. It shocked us. We'd already made plans and everything (and bought a 20lb turkey). Even with the biggers, the house is so quiet now.
I hate it.
I am having a tough day. Talked a moment with WH. I asked about three texts he received from OW. He did not reply or call back.
Apparently, she was letting him know about an upcoming doctor's appointment. And that at this appointment she would find out the sex of the baby (which WH said he isn't going). I am having a hard time with this for a few reasons.....1. She just had an f'ing appointment on November 6th where they said she was 11 weeks along. How the F can they dertermine sex now? And what the F does she have another appointment?!!? Her appointment is the 10th and she'll only be just over 16 weeks. Unless I am wrong (which could be as I don't have kids) what kind of F'ing game is she playing here!? SHE CAN'T HAVE MY WH! He wants nothing to do with her! He is ACTUALLY complying with NC! WHAT THE FUCK! (sorry)
I just don't get it. It isn't a fake pregnancy (WH heard the heartbeat on the 6th), and WH told me the first time the slept together. So I don't get it. Is she just trying to get him alone? Trying to get him to care? I am going to F this girl up!
Then when I try to explain to WH about this "odd" behavior and how I think she is full of shit, he gets mad at me!?!? Granted, we are not living together and not sure if we are going to R (well, HE'S not sure), but that doesn't mean I don't care....I know he is having a tough time and still hasn't faced what he has done, but seriously, he needs to wake up to her crappy behavior. I am beside myself. I seriously want to call her and talk to her myself. But I know that would just give her the power. I can't have that. I just don't know what to do.
I don't know if I can deal with this if we R. I still don't think she knows I am even in the picture. WH lied to her and since we aren't currently R'ing, he has called her and told her the truth as stated on my Fab 5 bare minimums he must complete for me to R and heal. I just don't get it. I want to call WH and talk to him, but he isn't feeling well and already told me today that "he doesn't want to talk about it right now". The thing is, he never wants to talk about it and I feel like I am stuck with all this baggage. How can I deal if he won't? I can't. We don't have a plan in place, we aren't in R, he is in IC....but I am still stuck alone, in limbo. I hate it.
I hate her.
Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to do this to me? To us?
I am sorry, I began to ramble and vent. Sorry...
I am so lost and confused, and I hadn't really thought about OC in a while. I wanted to focus on us and our M....but we really don't have that right now. And now the holidays are here.....I am just spiraling out of control....I am so sad and distraught....
How can I get WH to talk to me about this?
I am guessing I can't until he is ready.
Any advice would be appreciated. Especially about the crap OW is trying to pull...
I hate this....
I am so close to giving up...
But I still love him.....
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
It is bullshit. She won't know the sex. I hoped they would at 16 weeks, as many books state that you can tell at 15-16 weeks, but my OBGYN clarified, they may be able to, but they do not until they do the 20wk scan, which is 3d (or 4d?) and they scan all of the organs also at that time, and not at your OBGYN, at a specialists.
She is most likely just trying to get him to come to as many appts as possible, try to get him "excited" or "happy" or "attached" to the baby.
I read in an email from OW to one of her friends, that she was hoping OC was a boy, as my H has his girls from his previous marriage, and therefore thought he was more to be attached to it. She also planned on doing the room in "camo" boy or girl, as "Mr. Want2help loves camo" (correction, he has 2 pairs of camo shorts-which he tossed out, that is it- he doesn't "love" camo, and he now hates it) whether the baby was a boy or girl. She also intended on naming the baby (if it was a boy) the boy name FWH has told her WE had picked out... why he even told her, I have no clue.
They will do anything in an attempt to try to get men attached to the baby. It is sad.
How do I convey this information to WH without him getting all upset at me? I just don't understand. I told him today that doctors can't find that stuff out until about the 24 week (it was a guess). But then he gets upset and says "I don't want to talk about it". Which just upsets me. I didn't do this! He did. I just wanted him to be aware so that he didn't get sucked in by her batshit crazy!
I feel so awful right now....
[This message edited by beajus at 8:59 PM, November 24th (Tuesday)]
FWH also did not want to talk about it hardly at all in the beginning.. once OW got to be about 37 wks-38 wks i freeked and said NOW you dont' have a choice that baby could be here tomorrow! NOW you WILL TALK ABOUT IT with me! and once he realized I was right.. that OW was full term and the baby WAS coming.. he stopped saying i don't want to talk about, i don't want to think about it. At first it was a lot of me talking him listening and nodding.. now he talks more... FINALLY
[This message edited by beajus at 8:58 PM, November 24th (Tuesday)]
I agree that the OW is pulling out all the stops to try to get him interested in the pregnancy in some hope that they will be one big happy family one day. You have told him what you need to try to R, he either is unable or unwilling to do what you need at this point. You must take care of you. I know it is easy for us to say this, but I am serious. You will go crazy thinking about the OW/OC situation for the rest of the pregnancy. The waiting in one of the hardest things. So sorry i wish I could say something that would make this better.
Anyway we are currently in a custody battle to see OC. OW is being a complete witch and trying to keep OC from FWH. She hates H and blames him for everything. She thinks she is the victim and that FWH abanded her.
We've done 1 conciliation and have to go back for the 2nd on 12/08. She went totally nuts and was talking over our lawyer and yelling at the conciliator. She is digging herself a HUGH hole and helping our case. She actually told the conciliator that H will NEVER have an overnight, she gaurantee's that!!!
For those of you who haven't gone thru the legal system, the concilitaor is the person who tries to have everyone come to an agreement before it goes to a judge. The concilator is a step down from the judge.
OW told H on Sunday that he is OC's father by a piece of paper and that's all he will ever be, she promise's that! She is SO stupid, she knows she can't keep H away from OC. She is trying to control everything.
Her mother even threatened to call CPS on us if we continued on with the DNA test and then recently said that we don't want it to go to court because they will tear H to shreads. Pur lawyer said they are just blowing smoke...the courts care about whether or H wants to be involved with OC, not how OC was conceived.
So much drama...there is more to tell, but don't have a lot of time right now to type...well post more details later.
At least I know now that my WH isn't the only one who avoided that conversation. It isn't that I WANT to talk about it, it's just needed...I guess for me. I am sure that he doesn't want to face it as well as not wanting to fight about it either too. I don't want to fight with him....I actually try not too....I just want him aware of what that whore (sorry!) is trying to do.
WH told me he is not interested in going to any of the appointments. That is part of my bare 5 (NC until OC arrives, then it just changes slightly). He knows that. I also know he desperately wants this to go away....as do I....but it is looking less and less likely. I am barely able to acknowledge that it's real. I can't even imagine when it gets here....oh well...
I guess I can just let it go until if and when WH wants to R and do my bare minimum 5...and then deal with OC when it is closer...
Thank you guys for the support and ear. It truly helps!! I feel slightly better!
Thanks...I am truly thankful for each of you.
So good luck with this. If visitation and contact is what want, I hope it works out the way you want.
2) For us, we were able to tell sex by 16th week for DS13. I didn't go to OB/GYN until 5th month for DS9 (insurance issues), but we had a hard time telling 4 sure with him because he refused to roll over.
3) Yes, it would be nice for fWH to see his child in an ultrasound, but he could make up some lie about having to work, but give her a VHS (if they still use them for recording ultrasounds) and let him watch it alone. The #s on the screen would also confirm due date & possibly ~date of conception.
4) Holidays are really difficult for BS, whether there's OC involved or not. Don't beat yourself up over triggering & being moody.
5) if fWH isn't sure about R, try to move forward and look into your options if he decides not to. You don't have to sit around waiting on him to enjoy the holidays or anything. Even if he doesn't go back to OW, the M may not R. Protect yourself & working on making "you" happy.
6) after a while past D-day#2 (when I found out OW was several months pregnant), fWH quit talking about OW & soon-2B-OC. It was almost like they didn't exist. I know now, that he periodically checked on her up until almost 1-2 months of her birth, but he was hiding that from me. I was actually under the impression that they were NC after she told him about pregnancy. They actually had a pow-wow @her mom's house about child support, visitation, etc and what they wanted to happen (well before I even knew). I actually think, we was probably overjoyed at her pregnancy, but @some point our family broke the fog & he said "OH SHIT, WHY DID I WANT TO GET HER PREGNANT?" I think they were still a couple (even though he denies it) for a while after she confirmed pregnancy. It's just a feeling I get.
7) OW used a middle name for OC that was of a child that fWH thought he had w/xGF. His name was even on that child's birth certificate until she was about 5 (even though when she left him, she told him the baby wasn't really his - it was her xBF who she actually married). Why would you want OC to share a middle name w/a baby who fWH loved & missed terribly & turned out to not be his? Even OW's 2nd child has a middle name that rhymes w/OC's. fWH's xGF would find it odd to know OC shared her 20-year-old child's middle namename. I think OW did it to try & make OC more important to fWH than my boys (as the xGFs baby was really his first baby - even though not biological).
Really fWH has another biological child out there, but teenage girl went NC 100% and married in high school after fWH knocked her up & fWH gone back to his xGF. He was 16-17 & had 2 kids on-the-way (one not being his really). Now, that's something scary.
8) During A#3, OW scolded fWH for not being @ OC's delivery...huh? She didn't even call him until after she got home w/OC because she was so pissed @him. Her BF (now BH#2) was in the delivery room w/her. If they'd have been married by then, OC would've had his last name (instead, OC had OW's xBH#1's last name until the DNA came back & fWH had her name changed). I wanted fWH to ask that OC's middle name be changed @same time to Melody (as I really liked that name and had hoped she'd have a name that was "just ours" to call her).
I hope some of the crap I've gone through helps any of the newbies in some way. Honestly, if A#3 hadn't happened, I was pretty much adjusted to OC being part of our family & I was even polite to OW. fWH & OW really screwed that one up, huh? I was in my little make-believe world thinking fWH loved me & OC was just OW planning to ruin our marriage & she seduced fWH for ONS that ended in OC's conception (only one-sided planned pregnancy) - boy, was I so wrong.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:25 PM, November 25th (Wednesday)]
I agree also that OW is trying to get H attached to OC, probably trying to have the mommy,daddy,baby moments that are all built up in her head.
But, you can't control OW, nor can you control your H, you can only control yourself. Focus on you, take care of you. Look into the 180 in the Healing Library.
My FWH goes back and forth between depression and denial. He is very remorseful and goes into pity parties at times. He is also going to prenatal appts which was very hard for me. His last was 11/16, and he said that he would not go to anymore until OC is born. I am going with him for that one. I understood why he went (see some of my previous posts) and I really don't think they would do anything sexual. I was mostly worried about their emotional contact, if he made any promises to her, his motivations. It made me crazy. This last time was better, I stayed busy and focused on me. IC helps and it's good to start even if you are waiting on MC. OW may also be full of P drama so take care of you and do not get sucked into the triangle. Worrying about paternity will not change the outcome of the DNA, but I know that's hard to avoid.
OW in my situation is very manipulative and I think lying about FWH being the father. (There is a chance however) I at first wanted to "protect" FWH from OW's drama and her behavior, but it just hurt me when I tried. I realized FWH is a grown man who got himself into this mess and needed to handle the consequences. I listen if he needs me, but I don't warn him anymore, it's useless.
Don't choose to stay in limbo. Think about the next good thing you can do for yourself.
Thanksgiving wishes to everyone and (((hugs))) to everybody that is having a hard time. Love you guys!
[This message edited by altered at 10:20 AM, November 25th (Wednesday)]
Here's the link;
She is BEAUTIFUL! WOW!
She is my crazy little redhead girl!