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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 10th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most( I thought all) states will not allow the discontinuation of CS on the request of mom. This is 100% a legal process and it will only end when there is someone legally obligated to take care of the child financially and that is after adoption is complete.

What OW was going to do was stop the enforced support order so it wouldn't come out of my H paycheck each week and then she would have to file another paper each month until the adoption was final to "forgive all debt". So technically my H would still have to pay CS but she was going to "forgive" the amount each month so we didn't have to pay. Kind of confusing, I know.

Now we are going to just file the adoption papers that we got in the mail on Friday and OW will just have to wait for it to be final to have her religious ceremony done.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 11th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody else find that Mother's Day is a trigger about OC?

OC was great, gave me a photo they did @school w/her holding cards that said "I LOVE YOU TO PIECES" and around the card were puzzle pieces glued to the makeshift frame. During Sunday school, OCs class made MD cards & OC gave it to me. I said, "do you want me to hold this for your mom until we get home from church?" And she said, "No, it's for you."

I started triggering after dropoff of OC w/OW. Rest of day was ruined. WH finally came clean that OC was conceived during full-blown affair after DS9 was born. That he "loved & cared for OW & wanted to have a child w/her." Man, what a Mother's Day.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 11th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OC was conceived about 3-4 months after I gave birth to DS9. OC is only 13 months younger than DS#2.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 11th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody else find that Mother's Day is a trigger about OC?

It used to be cause it used to be a big hang up for me that I wasn't the only woman to ever give my H a child.

Now I don't think of OC at all on Mother's Day, she has her own mother. She isn't part of our lives so I don't get gifts and such from OC.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 11th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody else find that Mother's Day is a trigger about OC?

I'm so sorry repeat. That would be so hard to deal with, even so many years after the fact. For me, it only was a trigger the first and second years. The first because we were only 3.5 months from D-day and OW threw a fit that my H didn't send her a mother's day card. Yes, seriously. Then the second year because I was worried about what she'd do.

The OC for me was conceived when my youngest was about 2 months old. At least I know that my H didn't want her and it wasn't intentional, at least not on his part.

Auntcis: I'm so excited for you - hopefully the adoption goes quickly and you and your family can move forward with your lives.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

want2bok

Is there NC between OC/OW & your WH?

Due to the increased amount of contact between OW/WH last year, they started another EA/PA.

I believe I was okay w/OC most-the-time, but all the new details of A1,A2,A3 (trickle truth) have really made it difficult on me to deal w/OC & anything about her. It's not OC's fault, but it really hurts.

And, lately, OC has gotten it into her head that WH & OW were married. I don't want OC believing that WH/OW were a happy family and I split them up or something.

At what point do I spill-the-beans to OC8 & DS9 that their father was a cheater & it wasn't "okay" for him to be with OW? I don't want any of the kids growing up thinking that CHEATING is acceptable (since I've not put up a huge fuss that they can tell).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had OC till noon on Mother's Day (OW's request). I love OC very very much and will do the best by her I humanly can. I even got a gift for OW to be from OC. When I dropped OC off with her mom, her mom had a card for me.. that said Happy Mother's day to a special person and then inside had written Thank you for what you do for OC signed OW & OC. I thought that was very nice of her. We have OC aobut 80% of the time now.

FWH did really really good at getting me stuff fromt he kids (something he's never done before, usually my mom had to take care of that), he also cooked me a yummy lunch and dinner for everyone including my mom.. he really really tried. It was the best MOther's day I've ever had. Maybe FWH learned a few things finally :)
However Sunday night i had a bit of a breakdown of sorts and went and drove around for several hours. I don't know why.. just felt like i needed away from everyone and everything. I just listend to the radio, cried and wasted gas LOL
So having an OC does still get to me i guess at times, and something about Mother's day triggered it. This is aobut the time they started hooking up last year we all think (neither can remember exactly). So maybe it wasn't mother's day but that instead??? Not sure.

((HUGS)) to all of us :)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((beajus)))

The first few Mother's Days were the hardest for me. My uncle also died in 1987 on Mother's Day, so it's a bittersweet holiday as well.

Last Mother's Day was bad because WH was such a $hit toward me. But, in looking back, EA was starting between them & he tends to be really mean to me when he's w/her (or that seems 2 be his pattern).

Your hurt is so new about OC. I am sending lots of
((((HUGS))))
your way.

OC's b-day is really bad trigger 4 me (plus the other b-days & holidays right before it). DS9 is Dec b-day, then Christmas, then Jan is OC's b-day. I've never gotten a chance to have a NORMAL b-day or Christmas with DS9. Everything was ruined b4 we could even celebrate him. He was only 7 months old when I found out & the GOOD times of Baby's First Year, weren't so good. I was depressed for a majority of DS's 1st year & the 2nd also. I was on cloud nine about DS, then the "tragedy" that is A#2 happened....nothing is ever the same.

I was really nice & gave OW a photo of OC (which we hadn't planned on giving her). I didn't get her a card or anything....this is pretty much the 1st year, that OW has actually spent any time w/OC. She usually just said "we're not doing anything, U can keep OC that day." What? You broke my marriage into millions of pieces for a child you don't even want to spend Mother's Day with (or her b-days, or your b-days either).

I think the only reason this MD was such a trigger for me, was that A#3 was only about 7 months ago & we are approaching the ANTI-VERSARY of suspected EA, D-day, etc.

WH was super good 2 me & made me breakfast in bed & got me roses for the yard....it was just that darn OW, that keeps looming over our M. She's my black cloud.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:06 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat - there isn't a lot of contact between OW and H or myself. At first, I insisted on NC. After a month or so, I decided that I wanted it to be his decision and I could live with whatever he decided. He decided that he couldn't be a father to OC. He tried at first, but OW made it very difficult by always wanting more. If we felt comfortable with taking OC for the afternoon, she pushed us to take her for the night. And then whatever we did wasn't good enough -wrong diapers, clothes didn't fit, etc. OW only has my cell number, not H's, so all calls go through me. I don't think she knows where he works either.

OW was really upset that H didn't want a relationship with OC and threatened and yelled, but H stood his ground. He agreed to send gifts for Christmas, Easter, and her birthday. I think it is stupid but whatever. Unfortunately, I usually end up buying, wrapping, and shipping them. My H hasn't seen her since July 2007 and I saw her last just this past December when I took over her Birthday gift.

I'm sure that I could deal with OC in my home if my H wanted it, but I don't think I could ever love her like I love my COM. I wish I could be as strong as some of you ladies that do though.

I don't know when you should tell them about the A. I struggle with this as well as I'm sure OW is just biding time until she drops OC off at our doorstep to meet my COM or find them online as they get older.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a Christian, but I used to pray that OW would miscarry. Now, I think GOD wants OC to be here for some reason & who am I to question him.

I really wish WH had asked OW if her husband wanted to adopt OC. They weren't married yet, but I think her husband would have adopted OC (he was in delivery w/OW when OC was born). But, that was his decision to be OC's father. I respect him for that, but it doesn't make things any easier. OW's MIL even asked if her son could adopt OC when WH was injured....thinking that his quality-of-life & lifespan were diminished & he couldn't be around OC anymore much. WH proved them wrong...insisted that OC came home 2 weekends after he returned from 6-weeks in hospital.

I too am the person buying stuff for OC. I have always been Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, & birthday buyer. I've got to say, the first Christmas Eve that OC was w/us, it was really awkward to see MIL loving all over OC (as they never seemed to like DS#2 much). Weird to have video of OC with us & WH not holding her or anything. MIL bonded w/her immediately, but WH knew that Christmas was awkward for me....he sat in floor w/DSs & helped them open presents instead. I kinda hid in corner in la-la land.

Your husband may regret not knowing his child some day. Any other children in family, may be disappointed to know they have a sibling they'll never know.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right - he very well may regret it. We have discussed it repeatedly over the past 2 years. But that is why I decided that he had to make the decision, not me. His dad is not involved in his life at all and hasn't since he was 4 or 5, so he is fully aware of what it feels like to be in her shoes. I have also told him that if he ever changes his mind, to please talk to me and we will give it another shot. I am his wife and I will stand beside him on this, whatever he chooses.

As far as our COM, I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we get there. I expect them to be upset, but hope that they understand the difficult situation.

I pray almost nightly that OW will find a good man to adopt her 2 kids and be a wonderful father to them. I don't want bad things for them, I just don't want OW to continue to be a part of my life. OW doesn't know who the father of her other child is so I know she would like to have a father figure in his life.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is the twins b-day and even though they are not my H's one could say I would be upset because of the OW. But I am not. The twins are my kids in everyway that matters and I don't and won't give her another thought.

During the 1st year everything triggered me, but now I do my best to not to let OW and thoughts of OW bother me. Sometimes I do have a little trouble with the 10 yr. old's b-day which is next month. But I try to keep myself busy and dwell on the present.

I won't lie, sometimes I am driving and I can see my H and OW and I am visualizing what they have been thinking or doing those 10 yrs. It is an everyday struggle, but the pain does lessen. Hugs to everyone dealing with this.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our children know of OW and obviously of the baby. They love the baby a lot and miss her when she's not here (but she's here about 80% of the time lol). My kids are fairly young though, they know dad did something bad with baby sisters mommy, but that the baby is a wonderful gift and we will all love her. They have noticed that we treat OW kinda of weird..and they havec too, my kids usually hang on and annoy people to death LOL but with her.. they stay in the living room and won't talk to her.. my oldest asked me today before OW dropped OC off.. are we supposed to hate her mom.. I told him no... i said if he wanted to like her he could, but that due to what her and daddy did, mommy didn't think she could ever like her. But that no matter who we're dealing with we ALWAYS be respectful and curteous even if we didn't like the person. So when OW dropped OC off.. my oldest who is 8 walked out and said "You're **** you're my sisters mom"
Shde smiled and said yep I am! He said Well i'm *** and i'm her biggest brother, thanks for brining our sister over. and she said You're welcome ***" and it was pleasant.

I wasn't bothered by it earlier today... but am a little now.. I wish i hadn't told the kids they could like her LOL But I want them to form their own opinions, ya know.....not about this in particular but just about things that happen in life in general..

Although want2bok and her hubby decided to go NC, and may regret it, there are some out there who have decided to have contact and may regret that too.

It makes R. soooo much harder. It makes forgiveness so much harder as well.

By choosing to have contact I've gained another child. 80% of the time. I had my tubes tied after i had my own 5 children. If we had went NC we wouldn't need another vehicle. a bigger home. heck a larger dining room table LOL. We wouldn't have to take 2 SUV's just to go grocery shopping. IF we only had OC every other weekend and 2 wks in the summer like most of the time these things are, then it would be alright... I didn't expect to be full time raising OC.. So at times... like right now when it's 1 am and she's laying in my lap screaming her head off.. i kinda regret ok'ing contact. No right or wrong for anyone. ALl of our situations are as much unique as the OW are alike LOL.


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my H is going to the court house today to see if he can get the termination of rights papers signed, wish us luck!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
katiej
♀ Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a question... I am a betrayed spouse but don't have OC to deal with (I probably would have but my husband had a vasectomy years before his affairs).

I am in a field that has me going into homes to work with babies and children who have developmental delays. I am currently in a home where the Mom had the A, has the OC and the OM is in and out of the picture. I believe that the Mom and her husband are divorced now - at least they are not living together.

First of all, this is a very difficult place for me. I have to deal with the Mom who had the A (on a weekly basis), act compassionate re: the child and not put my feelings toward all of my husband's OW on her or my feelings about her choice to have an A.

My question (if you have read this far) is this. Are there any men who choose to stay with their wives who have an OC from an A? And participate in the raising of the child?

I haven't read all of the OC posts but most seem to be women whose husbands have a child from an A.


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beajus:

You are very polite to OW. That is very good of you. When kids are around, I am very polite to OW, if I have 2 be.

But, when I suspected A#3, I wasn't so nice (had been up to that point). I texted OW from anonymous website & sent her multiple Bible verses about harlots & adulteresses. She called WH & he called me to ask if it was me & to stop it. I also texted him Bible verse about how a husband should treat his wife.

I don't like my kids talking to OW or her relatives. Her nephew has taken-to my boys & sometimes comes & sits next to them & watches them play PSPs during ballgames. I don't really want them around him @all, but I am not rude to him (do give his mother the evil-eye sometimes, when she starts it). She usually gets the jist & yells for him to come back 2 her. I am afraid that OW's child w/BH will start becoming friendly & then I don't know what I'll do. OW lets her run wild all over the gym @ballgames (she's 3) w/out a chaperone/sitter/escort etc. WH said that once, the toddler asked him if he was Sissy's daddy & he said yes...she glanced @OW & then called him "DADDY" and giggled. She knew he wasn't her daddy, but she did it for meanness. She's a little spitfire....GOD, I hope DS9 doesn't meet her as teen & fall in love or something....they'll probably go to same schools & wouldn't that be down-right awkward.

YES...I have some illogic fears about the future. Tell me I'm insane & I won't argue about it! That was a big fear about OC...if I didn't allow contact w/kids, would she meet down the road & date my boys w/out knowing until we told???? YUCK! You see things like that on bizarro TV movies sometimes or read about it in VC Andrews books!


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beajus

Does it bother you much that you had tubes tied & WH had child after that w/OW? I had mine tied also after DS9 & I keep wondering that if I hadn't and insisted that WH got vasectomy instead....where could we have been now? OW wouldn't have had the leverage over our lives all-these-years. Yea, maybe OC wouldn't exist & maybe A#2 would have still happened, but then nobody else would have his child either (except there may be a sneaky one out there which an old friend w/benefits denied was his child over 21 years ago). We could have avoided all this BULL$HIT (pardon the language).

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 10:54 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Funny  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The judge signed the papers!!!! Now the adoption can get underway!!!!!

BMC, get ready for that celebration girl!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YEAH YEAH!!!

Sent me a message on my email and we will set up something!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Darn OW. Does she think I'm OC's private shuttle service? She locked her keys in house yesterday & I had to run OC to OW/BH home instead of the public park near our home.

YUCK! I feel so creeped-out by going to their house. Plus, I saw OW & OC's granny (who was pulling out after bringing extra keys).

Anybody else feel really weirded-out by OW's family or being near her house?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
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