My suggestion, get a free consulation from a lawyer who can explain you rights and the best course of action to take here for the state you live in. Please feel free to PM me if you need extra support.
It sounds like you have done everything. Is your seperation only on paper? Perhaps that could be an option. My thoughts are with you.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
I love him. I want my daughter to have her father. OW would love to see me leave him (she has moved on to someone else's hubby, is telling him she wants to have his baby, etc, etc) and I don't want to give her the satisfaction, but GOD HE IS SUCH A FUCK UP! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO OUR LIFE?? We already lost our house when we split up, I got laid off so we lost our car, and now we have lost everything we have worked towards for 8 years.
If you still love fWH, maybe you should still R. Don't make OC & OW force this on you. Seek legal advice about S, but if it's only on paper, please make sure fWH is aware of everything & possibly goes to lawyer with you. Make it clear to lawyer, that you are doing this to protect your daughter's future. But, in your state, if you legally separate from fWH, will it impact your ability to be covered under his health insurance? That could be an unfortunate loophole.
For us, we ended up in better shape after fWH legally filing CS/custody papers. OW had been complaining of being moneyless, yet had made $70,000+ annually for ~3 years before she changed jobs (this didn't even include the 2 or 3 jobs that her BH#2 had) & then got fired from the $9/hr job which she took after quitting the other big-$$$ one. But, I honestly think taking the more-local job was a ploy to make it easier to position herself in A#3 w/fWH. I think as a manager, she was too busy & didn't have enough time to kick the EA into PA....think that's why she took the other job for less $$$. Maybe she thought she could quit to be SAHM, once she & her KISA were back together and she figured he'd leave me this time for sure.
Anyway...OW did sign OC up for bball again this year (a week or 2 late). OC had the option of playing in girls 8-9 league through B&G Club, or on the 9 & older league. Our B&G club has ~3 teams in each league for girls & then other teams for boys (plus a tiny-tot co-ed league). OC informed me this morning, that her momma (OW) was able to get her on her cousin's team in the 9&up league (OC can barely play basketball & should've stayed in the younger league in my opinion). Well, YAY! Now, OW & or her sister will be at every practice 1-2 times/week & every game 1 or 2 each Saturday (starting sometime this month & lasting until tournament in March). You guys remember how much trouble OW & her family (including the sister) were & their bad behavior last year. I really dread this, for sure. If they sit right behind us in empty gym & follow us in vehicles again this year, I don't think I can make it. fWH has assured me that this year, he will move to another part of gym...as he wouldn't move last year out-of-stubborness except for one of the last games during tourney. He said he might even say something to them, if their behavior is so annoying again. OW's step-niece & teenage friend even walked out-of-way down through bleachers between me & DS9 last year (when the walking aisle was 2 ft away)...just to piss-me-off. AND, OW's sister (OC's auntie) let her son (OC's cousin) sit w/our boys to watch them play their PSPs. Oh GOD! I really don't wanna do this again, but I don't want fWH going to games & sitting near OW either. I am about in tears, just thinking about how hard it was last year. I would cry after leaving ballgames & almost in tears during 1 or 2 games...then being all weepy all weekend after seeing THEM. OW only missed 1 game all season...trying to prove she was #1 Mommy-of-Year.
I guess I am fortunate that OW in our case only comes to get the children every two months or so. Geesh. To see her smarm weekly would do me in, too.
OW in our case called yesterday to inform us that she WOULD be picking the children up for Halloween and to ask them what they wanted to be. Damnit! We were going to go shopping this weekend, since she's not picked them up in 2 months. The children even told her they wanted to be with us!
Repeat, if I lived near ya, I'd go to the practices with you for moral support and to shoot dirty looks at the tart. I promise I would! Bleh! No one should be made to feel bad but her...YOU didn't do anything wrong!
Delean-de, the OW has visitation? I didn't know that. She can just call the kids up and decide to take them for Halloween? I am so sorry. I remember when I first got the OC they didn't even know what halloween was. Sad! Now they look forward to it and I am sorry that she is infringing on that time for you. I am so glad that the OW seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. The good thing, the judge told me I don;t ever have to let her see the OC ever again until they are 18 and they decide if they want a relationship with her.
Hugs to everyone that continues to deal with this situation everyday of our lives and to the new members who have just joined us. It can get better with time, but it can also be an up and down struggle everyday.
The terms of the papers say she can have them every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends of the month (which means she can have them every dern Halloween!).
However, she goes long periods of time without exercising her right to visitation - which is totally fine by us. It's been since school started in late August that she's picked them up (and nary a louse since then...big issue - one of the reasons we got custody is the chronic lice infestation the children have when they return from her house - when she called, my husband asked if we had the lice meds or if we'd need to pick some up...it's THAT bad).
She's only called a few times since she saw them last, too. Every time she talks to them she makes them cry.
I suppose it's wrong of me to hope she gives up someday.
As for ballgames, I guess we'll see if she's pulling stuff again, like last year. I told fWH that I really couldn't deal with us sitting near her again & if it kept up, I'd expect him to say something to her about her behavior. He said he would.
As for OW's sister, nobody can stop her from behaving horribly also. Her son decided to sit w/our sons during several of the games...and she didn't stop him. How awkward is that to have OW's nephew sitting w/us???? OC's auntie gave me some dirty looks after one of the games (of course I returned the favor) & OC's granny (auntie & OW's momma) was rude to me & OW was also by forcing their way in front of me....then fWH pushed his wheelchair right up in front & he heard granny say something like "he just did that, because you got in front of HER." Referring to me.
I did have to see OW's mother the other day. OW & BH's vehicles got repossessed & they bought an older model vehicle (probably someone gave them the $$$$) for cash. It has a hanging tag that says "Don't laugh, it's paid for!" in the back window. Well, BH#2 is taking classes to be a truck driver & I guess OW couldn't use the car. Granny (who supposedly couldn't drive for months now due to horrible arthritis), was sitting in the driver's seat & OW in passenger w/toddler in back when they picked OC up. No notification or anything about Granny being there. Neither of them looked my way @all the whole time of dropoff. I'm so glad OC can walk & climg in/out of vehicles by herself now. It used to be really awkward after fWH's accident, when OW or BH#2 leaned into my car, or I had to step out to do her seatbelt.
Send me some good Mojo...games/practices could start as early as next week. fWH might have to take her to practice, because the car issue w/OW, but the auntie might pick her up after or something (I suspect). Everyone in OW's family was pissed @fWH for jerking her around again & they blame me for outting A#3 and getting her kicked out of her house by BH#2. I don't know what they feel about it now...but, to me, it feels like they think OW should be w/fWH and he doesn't love me and should leave me. It just feels that way. fWH said that auntie told OW that "he'll never leave his wife, you should quit waiting for him." For some reason, OW told fWH about that...maybe to encourage him to say "oh no, I'm just married for the boys...I'll leave her someday." I don't think she ever got a reply like that from him...he swears he was never gonna leave me (guess he just was gonna cake-eat forever until I found out).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:07 AM, October 23rd (Friday)]
That's me sending you all kinds of good mojo!
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:59 AM, October 23rd (Friday)]
We're not just talkin' about rules, here...it's a whole nother mindset over there.
I am at such a loss....I love my H. But this possible OC is killing me. We don't have any of our own. We were in the process of trying before the A...and my H knows I want a child with him so much. But now OW could be having the child that should be mine.
Can it still work?
I think about us having children. I realize that our first child would still be OUR first. He will be with ME during the pregnancy and with ME in the delivery room. It just pains me to see him holing a baby that isn't mine....especially that we don't have any of our own. The OW isn't thinking about the child. She can't provide for it. She doesn't have a job. She is living at home with her mom. She's only 25!! Before NC, my H discussed with her all the reasons that she should let us raise the child and have either a semi-open or open adoption. She wouldn't hear about it. She would rather ruin everyone's lives, including the innocent child's. It KILLS me. We are getting a lawyer and I am hoping this will open her eyes (to either a fake pregnancy or truly think about her options). Fingers crossed.
Any advice? Suggestions? Any one relate? I could really use the support right now. I am just beside myself tonight.
There are a coupole of members here that have gone thru the same thing. I am not sure if they are online today. My suggestion, go back and read this thread from the beginning. This will give some idea of the trials and tribulations that everyone with an OC situation goes thru.
Alot of whether your relationship can survive will depend on your H's attitude. If he is remorseful, put the OW outside of your marriage and works with you as a united front you have a chance.
Things will not be easy no matter which way you go. hugs to you.
It was horrible. We had been going to MC and talking about the family we had always wanted when she showed up 16 weeks pregnant. She lied so much during the entire pregnancy (about how far along she was, it kept changing over and over and over) that we we convinced it wasn't his. Our MC advised us to go on with our plans, or else we would grow to resent each other. She had the baby, and we never heard anything from her paternity or child support wise (just myspace harassment) until we got paperwork telling us to come to a state office (she was on welfare) to take the paternity test... we found out it was his a few days before Christmas.
We are NC. We have never met the child, and my H has never even seen her (despite their being a billion pictures on every social networking site imaginable- she even made the baby it's own myspace (yeah, your OW is 25 living at home? Mine is 22 and living at home with her parents).
I am very happy to have my daughter, but now the child support for OC is killing us. If you read my previous post to this board, they are leaving my husband with $600 a month to support his family, while OW lives with her mommy, paying no bills.
PM me anytime if you wish to vent. I know how awful it is to feel like someone else had the baby that was meant to be yours.
But to make it in a R, you definately have to have one another on the same page in regard to visitation and communication with OC/OW. Or YOU won't survive it. Period..
The OC are just adorable, and I can grow to love them just like a step child. However, seeing the OW is difficult on both of us. I do hold a lot of anger towards her, she is a homewrecking whore, and I will never see past that of her.
I do have a large giving heart, and have been told that is one of my biggest down falls in this whole ordeal, when it comes to what I have faced and forgiven, and been put through, I still care so deeply for WH and those boys.
It's such an up and down ride. Today was a good day for us. He brought up CS and all that, and it scares us both to death. We live in California, and we don't know what to do. We know we need to see a lawyer, but my H is sure that the OW isn't thinking about CS (she told him he didn't have to be involved at all), but I keep telling H that she could change her mind and come back and destroy us financially. It is such an awful situation. My H just wishes he had made better choices and realized what he had at home. Too late to think that way.
I just don't know. I love it when we have a good day, but it is something else when it isn't. We want to try things out, but there seems to be SO many things in the way. I still don't believe that she is really pregnant....I am sure that that is wishful thinking though...
The only thing I know for sure is that OW will have a million people telling her "You better get him for child support!" Or ?You better get some $$$!".
If she so much as tries to get state health insurance, the state will go after your husband for child support. I am sorry, but it is very unlikely that she won't eventually.
This sucks so bad! What I really need to do is stop thinking about OW and OC and focus on my H and our M and R.